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Stuck…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

I am participating in Five- Minute Friday again this week!

I am fasting from some things while fast toward some others.

I did this once, in the darkest and most dangerous part of my life, and two years later I am still overwhelmed at the goodness which came my way.

I am fasting because I want to grow closer to the God I love and be more of who I am meant to be, but also, secretly because my life is stuck. My location is stuck. So many things about my life right now feel stuck, and everyone has an opinion (me especially) about how much better things would be if the sticking were to get un-stuck.

I do not have a big-picture-view. I just don’t. So maybe I am missing a vital reason why here is the now. I am open to this, though honestly (and God knows this) the closed doors and remaining stuck is disheartening.

In this moment I am choosing movement, flow, breath, and intent- even though stuck I stay. I am flawed in my humanity and will likely embrace a meltdown and toddler-esque temper tantrum sooner than I would care to admit, but in this moment I’ll be. And that is literally the only power I personally hold in my sticky-stuckness: the choice regarding how I accept/face it.

And that has to be enough for me. (though admittedly fingers and toes are crossed and each prayer is post scripted with a please, oh please, oh please…)

It’s Friday, I’m in love…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

Two years ago, this week, I embarked on a fast which changed my life forever.

I’ll agree, that sounds incredibly overdramatic, but it is also one hundred percent the truth. That time in my life was among the darkest and most hopeless. While I never (ever, ever, ever) want to go back there, I also maintain being proud of myself for coming through it and growing in the ways that I did to manage it. The fast was fourteen days long, intentionally, and turned out to be seventeen days total. It was not a dietary fast, but rather a heart/mind/self-control one.

This week, while I am not in a dark place, I am embarking on a pretty similar journey. While I would love to sit here, in this space, and tell you all about the reasons why- I can’t. Not only would that be in violation to my fast rules, it also wouldn’t be a great idea. Someday, I’m sure… But for now, as I get ready to share the top five things I loved the most about this past week, I’ll ask that you send me all of the good thoughts/energy and prayers you can muster. Not for the strength to fast (though I’ll take that too) but for the outcome.

This week!

  • My windows have been open almost every day, and most days (this past week) I have been able to snag at least a few minutes of real-life vitamin D!
  • I Feel Pretty… (begin rant: There is so much love/hate about this movie and honestly, it just baffles me. It is your average light-hearted rom com, at base. If that isn’t the sort of movie some people enjoy, then why are they going? If you can’t stand Amy Schumer then why are you going? Why do some people do things just to complain about it? Life is too short for that nonsense! end rant.) It is poignant and lovely and chock full of wisdom girls of all ages can benefit from. I remember early on, critics were so upset that AS was playing someone “overweight and ugly” when she is neither. The thing is, that is irrelevant! It doesn’t matter. That’s the whole, entire point of the movie! At the end of the day, I think the topic is way outside of the industry’s comfort zone, so the idea is to bash it instead.
  • On Monday we caught a show by Nancy & Beth. We laughed a lot, teared up more than expected and had the best time! It was so much fun! If you aren’t familiar, get yourself familiar. Megan and Stephanie are natural performers and gave the show so much heart. The very special added bonus, (aside from the INCREDIBLY talented musicians comprising their band) was Megan’s husband Nick Offerman. My husband worships at the shrine of all things Ron Swanson and so this was a special time for him! I loved experiencing it with him, and watching him. Seriously- FUN NIGHT!
  • Issue 23 of my favorite Flow Magazine <3. I love them all, in their own unique ways, and it is a happy day when, after hunting, I have the new one in hand. This one does NOT disappoint!
  • This story makes me tear up whenever I think of it. Heartwarming and beautiful! I hope that, beyond the in-the-moment-selfless-help, this man is able to get the help/hope he needs… For so many of us, suicide is a very sensitive subject, close to our hearts. It was also part of the discussion in this week’s episode of our Collective podcast. (If you haven’t listened yet, you should!)

on writing and authenticity…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

Something out of nothing.

That is what every day, as of late, has felt like. Mixed signals out of innocent responses, hail storms out of calm. An impomptu meal whipped up from a fridge adorned with scarcity. Something out of nothing. Like me. Like this. I wrote out my heart for years, for myself. I focussed on the numbers and paid attention to who commented on what, where they hailed from and what they’d said. Social media found ways to feed my need for something- but bigger. Once upon a time my heart beat for everything out of nothing, immediately.

I don’t want to go there again, to be that person needing the validation of anyone who wants to summarize my worth or value with an Instagram double tap heart or Facebook thumbs up.

I would like for this little piece of internet real estate to contain something of value, but lets be clear- I want to always be the nothing. I don’t want to crumble if no one leaves a comment and only seven people visit my site. I want to write, because I am a writer.

I want to dream, because I am an artist and a dreamer.

I want to make, produce, believe, become and put myself out there, not for the awe and applause but because it is what I do.

I want for you to read something which grew from {me} nothing, and I want for it so continue to happen. Down the road I want the same nothing to be responsible for books and more than I can comprehend. I want to be the voice which stands within the most imperfectly imprecise body, speaking to a room full of someones. I want my motivation for none of it to be based on the “love” I may receive, because attention is fleeting, but art does live on.

When did being a writer, a photographer or a creator of any kind become so much about the glorification and applause and not about the process?

Today I put the pen to paper for me, for my heart, for my passion. For my breathe…

Out of gratitude, because I have the ability and I am truly thankful for this.

The rest, it’s just noise. When I think about it, it blocks the flow and that is what needs to not happen…

Turn…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay6 Comments

This is the week when I plunge back into joining the FMF writing challenge. I used to participate every week but, well, it’s been a long season in my journey…

Start.

To everything- turn, turn, turn… 

There is a season- turn, turn, turn… 

Turning seems more like churning these days. I grow weary. Who am I kidding? I’ve grown weary and I am worn. Torn, and battle weak. With tears streaming, as I drove, voice cracking as I alternated singing along with Hillary Scott and asking God why it always has to be so hard. I read once that for some it is always hard, that’s the path for them. For others it is always easy.

Screw my path, then, because I want theirs.

To everything- turn, turn, turn… 

I’m ready for a new season. A season of something other than aching inside and out, isolation, loneliness, a never ending weather winter. I long for connection and conversations, face to face laughter till my side aches.

There is a season- turn, turn, turn… 

My faith feels weak these days. It isn’t. I am solid and I know what I know, and that isn’t being shaken, yet somehow I feel low-blood-sugar jittery about it all. Where I stand, who I am, what I’m worth. That deep rooted feeling of how things never work out for me, grips me tight.

I want to be, breathe, believe. I want to wait and not feel discouraged, and I think I did that once. For a long once. And then my years long life winter wore me down.

The churning feels destructive, though it won’t take me down I will honestly (maybe) wish it would. Maybe I do.

But turn, turn, turn…and a time for every purpose, under heaven- I’m ready.

STOP

 

It’s Friday, I’m in love…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

You guys…

You guys, you guys, YOU GUYS! April has been wild! I can’t even believe what has happened, and how quickly things have just BLOWN UP! And by blown up, I mean it so many variations… Good, not-so-great, awesome, stressful… I am (SO) excited about things ahead, and trying to remain every thankful. And you make it easy! I am so grateful for my readers here, in this little space. I am grateful for your likes and love, your comments and the notes you send! I have said this so much this week, but your support is AWESOME and I love you guys! (And in case you missed it, Episode 2 of the Collective podcast is live now! Episode details, notes and how to listen are all available here!)

YOU Are my number one favorite thing!

And these:

  • This awesome little notepad has made this list before. It is just THAT Awesome! But really, I love the little games and notes Chw and I leave one another!
  • Speaking of showers… Being a skin care enthusiast and all, I stick with shower products which are free of parabens and sulfates. I really like that options are increasing, and this little bottle of magical scented wonder is my new obsession. The description of scent had me thinking NO WAY, but I love it! Intoxicating!
  • It is NO SECRET that I adore Shauna Niequist. In fact, if you’ve known me for over fifteen minutes, I have probably mentioned her once or twice already. (ADORE, ADORE and love her!) I am slowly making my way through her book Bread & Wine. It is the only book of her that I’ve not read, and the truth is I pre-bought it forever ago. I kept it beautifully sat aside, waiting on a special time to read it. I’ve packed it for three trips, naively thinking I’d have time to lose myself in it. Instead I was encouraged to crack it open now, in the season of stress and anxiety… So slowly, I read on. While I stand by my theory that it deserved a special time where I could devote myself to it, I am really glad to be reading it now.
  • I am obsessed with this song! I’ll be honest, I am all together mesmerized and creeped out by the video. On my third observation I had to admit the eyes are my favorite… The lyrics though, I love them!

I’ve got to be honest, it’s been a hard week. I’ve had a lot of work stuff, the weather has been brutal, my mom was in the hospital (hence the not posting a friday post, last week), tensions are high, sleep is rare and I’ve managed to transition from one sick dog to another. As I am typing this, it is 1 A.M. and I am in the gloriousness (*sarcasm*) that is a Fibro-flare. I hurt terribly and, living in a second story condo, each and every time my poor pups need to be sick, it’s up and down the stairs. I have made that trip today well over fifty times, and there is no end in site. I am super discouraged about a lot of things… Like spring. WHEN WILL SPRING BE REAL? Is spring like Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny? Is it something we tell kids to manipulate them into being good?

Wednesday night I went to an event in “Detroit” (which was not actually anywhere near Detroit. They ALWAYS do that with events here, it’s like people might just be a bit terrified to go into the city. Detroit is AWESOME, world, GO!) where I was assaulted with pellets of hail as I travelled from vehicle to venue door. (I think it was like a 47 mile walk, though it could have been less. The welting balls of ice may have had a way of distorting my perception of the distance.) As I was walking, stinging in the exact same way Macauley Culkin’s sweet little My Girl character must have felt when he died*, I thought to myself THIS! This is exactly what the past 4 years have felt like. This… I’m ready for spring. Life spring, of new growth and blossoming, of warmth and ease. And also real spring…

My husband was supposed to be out town this weekend, but he’s going to be home so I am thrilled. Last weekend was terrible for us and I’m happy for the chance to redo it. (and also, happy to tag team the dog sickness situation because- TIRED…) Also, super happy to see I Feel Pretty and grill some steak. And sit in a coffee shop and read my book. These are my weekend wish list items. How about yours?