When things just are… or aren’t…

There is so much happening, in life, at any given time. I was at a dental appointment yesterday, talking with my hygienist, and she mentioned I’d rescheduled my visit 3 times and was 6 weeks late in coming in. My eyes filled with tears and I had no word for her but Life. She touched me gently on the arm and said “I understand, it happens.” Moments later my dentist was telling me that my sleep grinding has significantly worsened and I’ve sustained damage to my jaw. This time her eyes moistened and she said “life”, so quietly. It was a rare human moment where, truth be told, I wanted to curl up and rest for a while.

Within that moment it was both safe and warm. There were certainties and kindnesses that don’t exist out here in the life part of reality.

For one who doesn’t cry, I’ve sure found myself in that tear-stained place a lot these past two days.

Sometimes our worst fears come true. Some of mine might be. Standing here, on the brink of that, I am both terrified and nauseated. I am sick and unprepared, but that’s the thing about life and revelations- these things were real and on course before I knew of them, so… There are things we all tell ourselves we will never, ever do. And then, then there are times when we stand on a precipice where we know we have no choice but to do them. I have to do this.

Suddenly, every God-awful moment before this one doesn’t feel as ugly as I remember. Here, wrapped tight within this heart-wrench, perspective beyond this is an impossibility. There is no later, other, then, when…

This becomes life. suffocating… deafening…

Broken life.

I’m standing in a place that I swore I would never stand, though I knew the possibility of it and kept it tucked in the back of my mind where I could pretend it wasn’t real, wasn’t mine, wasn’t a part of my options or realities. And yet, despite all of my swearing, and trying, and planning, and plotting, and loving, and fighting for (and with), I am standing here. Today my perspective can’t see past this moment, but I hope soon I can see a bigger picture, one that includes some hope, or at the very least, more than a mere sustainable trickle of oxygen…

In the meantime, I just needed to write from where I am at today. I may not have a lot of detail, nothing funny or poignant to say, but at least I’m not falling into a puddly mess at my dentist’s office, so that’s progress right?