family, gratitude, journey, marriage

To be close…

Within the first five years of our marriage, my sweet husband (who wasn’t always so sweet, in those days) would have these tender, night time moments where he would hold me so tightly and lay as close as humanly possible. I always knew these moments because there was something in him that was desperately searching and reaching. I always knew that this sentence would follow, and it warmed my soul- I just can’t get close enough to you
As most everyone who reads this blog knows, we divorced in our fifth year of marriage and officially reconciled two years later… Our reconciliation wasn’t anything like the days of blissfully falling in love and dying to be together. Anyone who has been through something similar knows this. Divorce, and the details accompanying it, are painful and difficult. 
For the first couple of years, after our remarriage, I would often lay awake waiting for those moments of his yearning for closeness to happen, but they never did. It has been ten years since we remarried, in fact, and it hasn’t happened once. For a long, long time that reality messed with my head and this ugly voice in the back of my mind assured me that he didn’t want to be close to me. Somewhere though, along the journey of our lifetime together- I saw the truth. The truth was me… Before, in those first five years, I built myself behind such a vast and thick wall of self protection. It wasn’t me in body that he was desperate to be close to- it was me. The divorce and the reconciliation destroyed that fortress, and with it my need for preservation and safety. I am raw and real now, honest with him and 100% available… 
BUT it’s something i have to keep myself in check with. Life is hard and painful, and vulnerability leaves us often times feeling uneasy… 
Today i will, in my 28 day challenge to love
– be present and available, for my husband. I will carve out time, just for him, where we spend time talking about what he needs or wants me to listen to. We will dream out loud together. I will be completely present and attentive, to him. 
– I will make the time to touch base and connect with my kids. To hear their voices, and keep myself attentive to their needs. 
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15 thoughts on “To be close…”

  1. God is awesome that He did this work in you…something that He started working on me as well many years ago. i remember when i used to wall off completely in an obvious way. having a softened heart is SO much better!

  2. Rita, It's what we do… We self preserve. We fear. You and I have talked about that very thing… and when we are on our own it's still an unhealthy habit- but in a marriage its devastating…

  3. keep yourself aware and present as well as available we can fall in a rut so easily… relationships are not easy… but so worth it.looking forward in reading your transformations.

  4. Your blog is just so real and so honest. I love reading it. I feel like we're sitting in the living room talking over coffee. This post brought tears to my eyes… my husband and I ALMOST got to that point at five years of marriage and fortunately we stuck it out. We've been together for 18 years now and I can't imagine life without him.I wish I was better at keeping my walls down, but I am working on it. Too much pain at too young of an age to really be capable of constant trust. It gets better all the time, and I was very impressed to read your honesty and your devotion to always keeping 'in touch' with your husband.

  5. MsByn, Thank you so much for saying that… it honestly means a lot to me. All the time children lose their childhoods (as we both seem to have) and it shapes us as adults. I see it in my own kids (who are not mine by birth) and i hope every day to love them enough that they enter future relationships far less damaged than I was the day I married my husband… thank you again, so much, for your kind words!

  6. I love how open you are. Being vulnerable is something that is really hard for me. Through my own marriage journey and my relationship with my husband. Being open to someone has to be the hardest thing for me to do. Thank you for your thoughts.

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