Category: writing

Cruel intentions…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

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Daily it seems I grow more and more aware of how honorable my intentions are, and how significantly far I fall from that mark. I think on this, as I sit in a quiet house after being in noise and busy for nine long days. Some ten days before this moment I saw myself further, progressed beyond the same place I’ve stood, unfinished. There are always grand excuses. Traffic, noise, construction, illness… But what did I manage to do? Distraction.

Well, that’s not entirely true either. A little.

Chw had a business trip in the northwest suburbs of Chicago and since Gen is gone for the summer, I decided to tag along and accomplish some writing. I felt I could (professionally speaking) use the inspiration of a change of scenery, and I love the hotel environment. As an added bonus, despite both of our infinities for Chicago itself, we had the opportunity to go into the city on Friday night. On one side of the journey I imagined it all so different than it was, and it wasn’t bad. That’s not what I mean. I was simply, well… Life.

During the week we put some of the best food we have ever eaten, in our mouths. We had great conversation, we explored. It started out really great. At the hotel, during the daytime though, my time was less than productive as there was major construction going on. It did not matter what I tried, or where I went, I just could not seem to accomplish anything, so by Wednesday mid-morning I simply gave up and buried my nose in my kindle. Then, Wednesday evening Chw got sick, and since he seldom gets ill, things plummeted quickly. Our too-late-to-change-plans adventure into Chicago itself was a gigantic waste of stress, energy and money as everything we wanted to do while there (Taste of Chicago and Millenium Park) were made much less appealing by A.) how my poor husband felt, and B.) the torrential downpour we were in. It was hard not to be a little disappointed, but if we haven’t learned life is anything but what we expect, by now- then I need to start paying better attention.

Once again home, and back in my office, I’m reflecting at my planner, my to do lists and just realizing that there has to be another way. Something isn’t quite “connecting” between the inspiration to do something and then opportunity to actually do it. But what? What am I missing? Getting away didn’t help… And sure, I could say “yeah, but it wasn’t as great as I hoped it would be!” But it’s not like we can all afford to redo every vacation or trip that doesn’t go as we planned. It is what it is, it was not a bad trip. I love my husband and we had fun, before he became miserable. I got to spend quality time with my daughter and her soon-to-be step-sons. I got to see my dad and sister. I fell in love with the wonder that is bacon wrapped dates. I went to the most incredible movie theater ever. My husband bought me the best umbrella I’ve ever owned! (If you didn’t know, I love umbrellas) and I got to sleep in a luxurious room with the best view of the Sears tower. I’m “stuck” because something is stuck… And I’m starting to think it’s just because I allow it to be. Maybe this disconnect is less of a seasonal thing (like it may have started out) and is now more of a pattern.

yuck…

 

the plan, the reality and the provision…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

The past two weeks have been absolutely crazy. I suspected they might be a little busy as Gen returned from Jamaica and got ready to spend a hefty chunk of the summer with family & friends out west. As the mom of a teenager I get to be chauffeur and along with that we were seeing to all of the eye doctor, dental and physical appointments we usually take care of between school years. When planning the trips, it made absolute sense to have two solid weeks between the two, so we could spend quality time and lessen the blow of missing our girl (who is growing up so fast). While we did get some quality time, it was very bitter-sweet, and sad and chaotic and rushed… Minus Chw finishing a movie that Gen and I had already watched without him, (and wanted to see with him) we managed to accomplish everything we set out to do.

Though my blog was eerily quiet…

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Before she left, however, we spent the Fourth of July at Greenfield Village (A part of the Henry Ford Museum.) If you’ve never been, it’s a cool place. If you ever want to go for the fourth of July, I highly recommend it, but maybe do it differently than we did… We learned a lot about how NOT to go (which is how we went), but would do it again because the fireworks show is hands down the BEST ever…

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One of the two weeks that Gen was home, Chw was in Utah on business. This week he is once again out-of-town on business, (Chicago area) and I decided to tag along. My thoughts had been long quiet days of writing, reading, catching up on letters and just enjoying the down time. In the evenings we could try local restaurants, maybe see a movie, spend time at Millennium Park and take in a museum. Not at all a bad plan, but the drive into the area took twice as long as it should have, (think 8 hours instead of 4) and Chw had to work on a project before this morning so that was a bummer. My lovely morning was shaken, quite literally, by jackhammers and other manners of construction right outside my window. Even so, they upgraded us to a lovely suite with a full service kitchen, which will make my lunch times a breeze. (plus, there is a Trader Joe’s and a Super Target. I mean, seriously…) So I can’t really complain. Chw even left me his noise canceling Beats so the construction isn’t so bad, and I’ve decided to just pretend the shaking, vibrating and earth moving is a bonus massage. That works right?

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In April, when we were back home visiting, Gen was helping our dear friend D (her Godmother) with her (much younger) kids and D piped up and said “You know Gen, you should come back for the summer and help me.” D was serious because she works mostly from home and this would help her a ton. Gen responded with a resounded “Fine by me!” Because she loves those kids, she loves that family, she loves Idaho and it seemed fun. Of course, the weeks leading up to it (and the solo, cross-country flight) she was less thrilled and wanted to stay home. (Can’t fault the girl for trying.)

The week before Gen’s trip, D was injured and had surgery. She is now laid up in a cast for the next three months and definitely needing a TON of help. Of course none of us had any idea, prior to the trip, this would happen, but it’s still pretty cool that Gen is there to help her out. {Bonus cool is that one of Gen’s good friends from when they were younger is visiting from California and our Very dear family friend Aubree is ALSO visiting Idaho. She’s one lucky girl!}

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If I’m realizing anything, it’s that we make plans, and often the reality looks/feels nothing like the plan… BUT, most of the time it turns out awesome, OR it turns out we to be the best thing anyway, even though we didn’t know it when we planned it.

And, on that note, it’s Monday. This weeks Hi-Five:

SONG- THIS!!! Gen and I heard it on the way to one of our many appointments. We swooned. Adorable! (Not the best video, sorry! the song is worth it though!)

SHARE- Anne with an E. Have you watched these? I LOVE Anne of Green Gables and while these videos are cute, they aren’t really my favorite. (I’ve been spoiled by the quality of Pemberly Digital, I think)  What i DO LOVE about this series however, is their twitter feed. (among the characters.) Absolutely adorable…

SOMETHING I’M LOVING- This Trader Joe’s REFRESH Body Wash that I picked up here. I usually use Rain Bath and the TJ’s peppermint but forgot both and so I tried this. The smell is AMAZING!

SOMETHING I’M INTO- I’m embarrassed to admit this… Clash of Clans. I found out my friend K was addicted to it when we were home in April and I held out until a couple of weeks ago. Then… I don’t know what happened. Now my husband is getting intrigued by it.

SOMETHING NEW {TO ME}- Coconut water. I’ve held out trying it due to the steep price tag, but the hype is so big I finally gave in. I’m not sure how much I love it, but I want to. Any Coconut water tips/secrets?

On being very, very afraid…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay7 Comments

Fear is like a cancer.

There can be one big, debilitating fear that cripples you or I to the point of inaction. As long as that inaction remains in effect though, the fear will spread and become other forms and types of all-consuming fear. A fear of failure can morph into an overwhelming anxiety of rejection. Very seldom do we hear of an agoraphobic sufferer who just woke up one day and could no longer leave their home. No. It’s slowly consuming.

As a writer I once feared failure. I once feared writing a book and attempting publication with query letters not leading to anything positive. This was such a consuming fear that when I finished my first book 9 years ago, I set the ridiculous goal of mailing out 25 query letters. I mailed off my 25 queries and of those queries I got 12 rejection “letters” back. (I say “letters” because if you’ve never had the privilege of receiving one, they are the most impersonal wastes of postage out there. over half of them were just strips of paper with a sentence typed out that said “not interested.” I have to believe when the very system began, it had a bigger point than that, but I digress…)

In regards to my first book, it was written from a passionate place. While fiction, it was inspired by the lives of the women in my family and when my grandmother passed away in 2006 and I made the personal decision that I’d rather keep that work tucked away and private, within our family, for now anyway. It worked out better, and I am grateful for the hindsight.

I no longer fear rejection, in that way. I personally believe the publishing industry is a broken and biased system so this is partly why… but the other reason is because, technically speaking I “failed” that ridiculous self-imposed goal, and I survived intact. I’m still alive and no parts of the world seemed to be disastrously affected by my failure so I realized it wasn’t a big deal.

Fear never really goes away though, like I said, Fear is like a cancer. Even once I’ve conquered one, I still need to keep myself in check because there are others. New ones that will creep up and my writing is where I’ll be incredibly vulnerable because this is my life’s work.

I finished my second book awhile ago. I say finished because it is written, from beginning to end. It also needs some revisions and I just can’t bring myself to look at it, so I’ve put it away for a while to work on another project. It is fiction, and a very personal story for me. I fear that it won’t be loved. I fear that it will be mediocre. Sometimes I get caught up in the harsh criticisms and judgements that people hide behind, online, and it terrifies me to put my work in their hands… And so I remember wise words from long ago that urge me to allow fear to motivate me, and I think “I can do that…” And I imagine fear motivating me to make this project that much better, but I also realistically embrace the inevitable- that it will happen and I have to be ok with that and not care.

As a young girl I knew my life was to write stories and words that would touch or inspire other people. As I grew, I knew that I had stories in my heart that others could relate to, and that could help them with their own hurts. This means everything to be but this hurdle between the place of fear and the having leaped- I just do not know how to get there…

So I worry the fear-cancer spreads. And sometimes I just look away and ignore my projects. And most days I dream of a boldness that has to exist somewhere deep inside of me, I just need to figure out how to harness and mount it so that I won’t be so afraid anymore…

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Better six days late…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay5 Comments

than never…

I had ever intention of getting my MARCH post up, on March 1st. Ideally, I should have started working on it prior to March 6th… It has been completely insane over here though, there have been so many things to do, for so many projects with deadlines or other time sensitive issues. It’s been fun, but a bit CRAZY!

Every day I have to sadly transfer “March post” from the previous day’s to-do list, to the current. Oh well, what can you do? Six days late is better than sixteen. Or Sixty. Can you imagine me posting this in May? Yikes…

March… 

Me–
– work on editing, rewriting and polishing my manuscript. Still. Forever.{ The day this isn’t on my list, I will replace it with “do happy dance”, and I will do it too! }
– continue to try NEW things.
– celebrating my dearest friends, in small ways, throughout my birth month, because I’m so grateful to have them in my life.
 Us–
– Celebrating a month of family birthdays.
– Genny’s birthday party.
– A visit with Amanda. (miss her so much!)
 Heart–
– I’m focussing on more intentional reading (less fluff) throughout the season of Lent.
– journal more.
 Create–
– I’ve been really negligent on paper crafting stuff so I need to work on some cards and maybe a separate project or two.
– Writing challenge project for my online writer’s group.
– a birthday surprise for my husband, who turns forty in a couple of months.
Reading–
– Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist (still)
– Bread & Wine by Shauna Niequist 
– Tales from a Blue Bike
– Storyline By Donald Miller
Home–
– finding, DIYing or renovating a table for our bedroom.
Health–
– regular gym workouts.
– yoga
– Continuing with my fitbit flex, which i still LOVE…
Love–
– continuing with our intentional date challenge.
– going away for a quick weekend, together. Something we have only really done once, for a concert, and most of that was driving.
What is your March looking like?

Today I choose…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay8 Comments

I choose to love, not because I’m loved.

I choose to give, not because I receive.

I choose joy, even in the bitter, not as an insult to others whose bitter may break their hearts. My joy may be a matter of my own survival, my own lifeline.

I choose grief. Grief for the losses, grief for the sadness in the world around me.

I choose not to dwell on so much joy that I fail to see such grief, just as I choose not to dwell on such grief so that I fail to see the joy.

It’s easy, in this life of to-do lists and agendas, to embrace the smaller choices, like exactly how we want our cappuccino or which accessories we want to layer our apparel with. It’s easy, with so many decisions, to trick ourselves to believing we are empowered by these mini, irrelevant choices. Decaf soy, one pump of caramel, light foam. It becomes a part of us, these silly words spoken, that they boost our feathers as we speak them. As we generally drink our overpriced indulgence though, are we thinking of the joys in those very moments, the ones that matter beyond our lips? The barista who served with a smile? What about the instance when our detailed drink description wasn’t quite met? Are we handling those with love? When our breakfast order substitutions come back wrong and runny, do we still proudly embrace great choices?

I can honestly say my answer is no.

We’ve become a culture cloaked in the power of the mini-choice. Which tv shows to watch, of the hundreds. Which bands to love, which movies to see, where to have dinner, which books to read. We cling so tightly to all of these choices that we forget that these are all entertainment based luxuries and sometimes we (I) fail to embrace (or even acknowledge) the real decisions staring me in the face…

This post was written as a part of Five Minute Fridays, and I’m joining Liso-Jo’s link up as we all take five minutes to write using the same one word prompt.