travel – Page 6

The better sort of list…

Published on April 6, 2016April 4, 2016 by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

Everyone is all about bucket lists… I made a beautiful one last year, to complete before I was 40. Losing my family and way of life shot my list all to hell, so I thought instead I’d make a list of the 100 BEST things I’ve done in my 40 long years…

skinny dipping in a natural body of water.
dancing in the rain.
watching fireworks, on a hilltop, set to Bach.
My first time at the ocean, a glorious week on the Oregon coast.
going in to NYC to see the tree at Rockafellar center.
Swinging with the kids I worked with, at Hope House, on a hot summer day with the public sprinklers on.
Snowcones with my kids.
Working at Hope House and the amazing, life changing relationships I made there.
Getting my nose pierced.
the tattooes I’ve carefully chosen.
I met Colin Firth.
falling in love with the culture and pop culture of South Korea.
Working at OBI and the dear relationships I made there.
That I’ve always been one to forgive and try again. No exceptions.
Seeing Starship on the Santa Cruz beach. It wasn’t Starship, but the beach, air and company.
My first upside down rollercoaster, in the rain, in St. Louis.
that I learned to appreciate music.
adopting.
The Chvrches concert. It was how concerts should feel.
New Mexico sunsets.
Reconnecting with my high school BFF and being one who demonstrated unconditional, sacrificial love.
Being stranded in an airport and befriending a total stranger.
knowing Jared Glenn.
Loving with my whole heart, even if that has never really paid off.
Understanding the value of true family, whether there’s blood relation there or not.
catching live crabs and cooking them on the beach.
the first time I held hands with a boy, no feeling compares.
seeing my niece be born.
the moment I met my husband and knew we would be married.
My first DMB show.
The secret P!ATD show in Boise, when Gen was little, complete with awesome treatment, tv interviews, etc.
Attending a wedding with an MTV film crew.
the first time I loped on a horse.
The gift of knowing and loving my grandfather.
My dog Paisley’s love for me. Life affirming.
My grandmother’s chicken and dumplings.
When my stomach finally eased after my first major bout with sea sickness.
The week long backpacking trip I went on, when I was in 8th grade.
Seeing a large meteor shower.
Seeing Wicked on broadway.
The time a bear went through our camp while we slept under the stars.
walking at the ocean, feet in sand and sea.
The first time I body surfed.
Genny’s Twilight impressions, when she was younger.
Learning to give facials.
any inside joke, with my husband.
Staying at the Regent Beverly Wiltshire.
Gen’s 6th birthday, in the hotel on Easter. it was really fun and a nice connection moment for C & I, with midnight cake and snuggles.
Christmas with my husband and all three of my kids.
The twin foster babies we had.
When my husband baked me a lemon cake for my birthday. It was one of the most beautiful, thoughtful moments I’ve had with anyone.
Tummy slamming, with Melanie, when we were little.
My cousin Kyle. He really changed my childhood.
My pet turtle Rosie, who made the journey from my house to my grandmother’s, a few blocks away, and back.
My german shepherd/husky (when I was a kid) named Betsy.
White water rafting.
The way autumn smells, in Idaho.
That huge, terrifying storm we had in Kansas, when I was 17.
Stars, porches and conversation.
My California girls trip, in 2001.
Alicia Michelle.
Petting an Elephant at the Portland Zoo.
The San Diego Valentines day getaway I had with Chw in 2002.
bacon wrapped dates in Illinois. Delicious dinner and lovely evening conversation.
The Blake hotel in Chicago. Stunning.
The gigantic moon the Christmas of 1999 in Phoenix.
My bus ride to Kentucky, from New Mexico.
The summer I went in a semi to Los Angeles.
The look on Chw’s face with his surprise 40th birthday. Making him happy was always my favorite thing ever, there was no one more deserving.
Hours and hours of playing Killer Bunnies.
Girl’s day on Make your Own Holiday day.
Being published in The Pink Project.
the living room conversation I had in 92. It was terrifying and safe to be known so well.
saving myself from my sexually abusive step dad.
the Detroit blackout in 2003.
the magic of my first plane ride to Michigan, amidst the turmoil surrounding me.
My grandparents shed, my safe haven.
playing “Mermaids” in Monique’s pool.
Seeing Chw & Gen when i got home from the LA nightmare.
My first trip to NYC. Tiffany & Co, Central Park & FAO Shwartz.
the first time I shot with my Canon.
My one and only healthy ultrasound.
Whenever I hug my son.
Face to Face conversations with my daughter Amanda.
Amanda’s wedding. Helping, being there for her and getting her through it, the father/daughter dance and how stunning she looked.
Waking up for 6 months of beautiful mornings, in the smoky mountains.
The most delightful conversation imaginable, with Emma Thompson.
Witnessing both the sun rising on the US east coast and the sun setting on US west coast. Different days, but still a gift.
email corresponding with my grandmother’s favorite soap opera actress, after my grandmother died.
Chw and his little figurine for me after I had my first real operation in 1999. It’s never meant more for me to see anyone in all my life.
hearing strange sounds and learning my cat, whom I didn’t even know was pregnant, had just delivered one single kitten, who looked nothing at all like her. It felt like a miracle.
A youth that included white water rafting, snow tubing, ice blocking and casually floating the river. It was a blessed adolescence for sure.
late night dance parties, being surrounded by the coolest of people you know.
Eerily quiet Chinatown, in San Francisco. Exhilarating.
Becoming sisters with my sister Sherri, who is my heart sister but I know there isn’t anyway we could be more genuinely real.
Being Julie’s heart daughter. She’s been gone a decade, this year, and I am still in awe of her love for me.
heart pounding risks…
following my instinct/intuition, and learning something anyway, when it may not work out.
Discovering Chinese massage. It may not be amazing everywhere, but here it is extraordinary.
My relationship with God, learning to blind trust and love through it has been the biggest adventure of my life…

Forty Eve…

Published on January 25, 2016January 24, 2016 by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

Last year my birthday had me turning 39…

I spent the day with my husband and youngest daughter, but I honestly do not recall what we did. I do remember my husband did one of his characteristically thoughtful little surprises. Those are the things I love to remember the most. It’s bittersweet…

The one thing I did FOR myself, on my birthday, was taking a time out to work on a list of forty things I wanted to do before my fortieth birthday.

Here is the list now…

My first 5K
get a job.
take classes or a course to make #2 easier.
go on a real vacation with my family.
get my passport.
get my concealed weapons license.
finish my memoir
Learn how to do four new things.
make a new friend.
get into essential oils.
have dinner with, and spend time with William. (My high school BFF)
see my son.
make it as natural as breathing to bless someone else’s day, anonymously, every day.
to go on a long weekend with my husband.
take up yoga regularly.
Go to Idaho to see friends.
See a new-to-me broadway show.
confront my fear and hold a snake.
Put my toes in the ocean.
Live intentionally, Savoring even the unsavory in some way.
write more letters and notes than emails and texts.
realize what is really important, and focus on those things/people.
Skydive
take Gen (my youngest) to the DIA.
Do something memorable and special, with my family, every month.
have a girlfriend getaway.
pick up my camera and become friends with it again.
get new wedding rings.
Ride horses again, it had been ages.
go up north in the fall.
create something beautiful.
Speak in a public speaking engagement.
dance with and date my husband intentionally.
make REAL plans with Kozzette, for Sundance.
be an intentional gift giver to those I love the most.
get a basket for my bike, to carry picnics and flowers in, all summer.
more non-tv nights than those with the tv on.
catalogue the things that make me laugh, for when I can’t.
Be a better version of who I was at 38.
plan an amazing celebration, for my next decade, with the people I love the most there.

When I pulled this gem of a list out, some 65 days before my birthday, I went through various stages of shock… Bold would be the things I actually have done/continue to do. I admit that I was a little devastated to read through these items. It was like having to face a bullet-list reality of your very personal failures.

If I were to make a list of things I wanted to bucketlist for my fortieth year, it would be eerily similar. I guess that proves that I did NOT become a better version of me. In fact, when I look at the severe depression I plummeted into about a week or two after I wrote this list, and how much darker and scarier it got, well… I’d say it’s fair to say I became someone much worse. The things my depression put my family through are things I may take a very long time to forgive myself for… I italicized Idaho because moving here, at the end of my marriage was not what I’d had in mind.

In a raw and very real way I figured I’d make a list of the forty things, both good and bad, that I did do from 39-40…

Saw a few concerts I’d wanted to see for a long, long time.
helped my husband remodel the kitchen. Before my eyes it transformed into something more beautiful than I’d ever imagined. It will always be my favorite room ever.
I got drunk. twice.
I worked really hard, with Gen, to give my husband a beautiful Father’s Day. He really deserved it and it was so fun to have a conspirator.
I played a fair amount of table tennis.
I rode a roller coaster. Still get migraines from them and they aren’t my favorite, like they used to be, but I still did it.
I saw a fortune-teller, at an amusement park.
I began (And quit… twice) an Esthetics program.
I moved away from my husband and daughter, to a million miles and hours away.
I made an a few friends, one of whom is amazing and I adore and miss her!
I finally came to terms with the fact that my mother is not capable of loving anyone, even her only child.
I took part in breaking my daughter’s heart and forever altering her life.
I was introduced to the beauty that is Korean television, by two friends of mine. I shared this with Gen and I miss us in this way, very much.
I had a car accident.
I plummeted into a deep, terrifying depression and had no idea for most of it.
I took Gen to get her nose pierced. (I got the part of my ear I can never remember, pierced.)
I got an ironic tattoo, while severely depressed, as a milestone tattoo. SMH
I saw a lot of movies. Of course.
I fell in love with Korean Food, Korean music and the loveliness that is Korean culture.
My Kate Spade collection grew.
I made a lot of stupid, unclear decisions while I was depressed. (If you ever find yourself in that position- just don’t…)
I spent a ton of time obsessing over M & S’s Wilder Mind album.
I finally dove into a vinyl collection. The start of one anyway…
I realized I love a good cover song…
Bowled a few times. It’s my absolute favorite thing and I got to bowl about 5 times, which is really amazing.
I skipped Thanksgiving, and probably will make that same decision from now on.
I had the worst Christmas I’ve had since childhood.
I had an even worse New Years, but that’s a holiday we can’t ignore.
I learned I will do almost anything alone, without fear or complaint, but there is a small list of things that it’s just not in my capacity to manage.
I bought Broadway tickets, but didn’t get to use them. That had NEVER happened.
I changed every single ounce of my life. I went from being a wife and mother every day to being a pen pal.
I did a mom swap for several months and it was the one thing, during my 8 months of depression that I really loved. It kept me going and motivated me not to lose myself in it.
I tried Couch to 5K, and quit. I decided running, though my husband loved it, was not for me.
I got my first apartment based just on my credit.
I then lived off of credit cards after I worked incredibly damn hard to build my credit, because my money was all gone on things like moving, apartment deposit, helping a friend, etc… Thus ruining my hard-earned credit. Definite negative.
I realized I worked really hard to build a life that I’ll never get to live again, and that life had been my world.
Didn’t see my son, but there were still beautiful developments and I’ll hopefully see him soon.
I did learn how to give an AWESOME facial. And how to wax…
Totally lost sight of myself and then life changed so quickly, in that. I have no idea how to be, who to be, or how to fix things.
I got to spend a lot of time with my daughters, prior to Thanksgiving… I’m reminded constantly that it will never be the same. I’m living with that.

What I learned in 2014…

Published on December 30, 2014December 30, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments

As we pull up to the end of what has become one of the worst, (if not THE WORST) years in my 38 years of life, I thought I’d take a moment to share the lessons I’ve learned over these twelve months. I’ll be linking up over at Emily P. Freeman’s blog Chatting at the Sky.

– Being at your daughter’s wedding is a roller coaster of emotions that I don’t think any mother can really be prepared for. {at least this one wasn’t}

– I’m pretty ok with being a grandma at 38 to my daughter’s awesome new sons.

– Just because a large majority of people believe something is the easy way out does not make it so.

– Wearing a swimming suit, in a pool, that is now several sizes too big for you is inadvisable. (VERY, VERY inadvisable.)

– also inadvisable, when you have finicky hair like mine, is changing shampoos when you have one you really love. Big, BIG mistake…

– That my people are my everything, and when something scary, tragic, devastating or sad happens to one of them it may as well happen to me.

– A champagne massage is possibly how I want to celebrate every single milestone ever. Heaven.

– I suddenly hate cheese. And anything that has recently associated with cheese. And yogurt…

– That I have a STRONG dislike of granite countertops.

– That I will probably never be the daughter my mother wants me to be, that she will hate everything I enjoy and there is nothing I can do to control that.

– Likewise, I will likely never the person my kids want me to be. I’m trying to be ok with this too…

– no amount of passion, love or effort guarantees results/success.

– chasing people is only fun and affective when you’re under the age of 9, and on a playground.

– Being a writer is hard. Way harder than I perceived in 2013 and DEFINITELY more so than 2012.

– Podcasting is awesome.

– Churches in the area we live in now are seriously different from the other 8 states I’ve lived, and not different in a good way. It’s a major disappointment that our family is trying to reconcile with.

– I’ve grown to dislike moving, but worse is this 5 month purgatory of moving to who-knows-where…

– Friends can say some mean, crappy and insensitive things. Some friends say they’ll be there and never show up at all, (see: Chasing people above) but people are human and flawed. That’s ok. Step back, reevaluate. Some relationships are worth sticking it out, some are worth cutting them go…

– game nights are the best. Like mini-vacations, leaving your worries behind for a bit.

– I like less tv than ever. Sitting there too long drives me crazy.

– Newark New Jersey is like a completely different world than NYC, despite their close proximity.

– eloquently penned (& pinned) quotes and sayings on Pinterest are not always based in truth or healthy, even when if they may stir your heart to read.

– Some people live really nasty, and are completely unaware. We’ve walked through so many homes with our realtor that were absolute disgusting…

– lastly, I don’t need a fancy house or fancy stuff. I just want a home that is warm, peaceful and has a yard for my dogs, room enough for the bed I share with my husband and a room big enough for our dining room table to hold all our family…

hours & minutes…

Published on December 18, 2014 by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

On Tuesday I spent two beautiful hours in the place I feel the most of everything. I walked city blocks, took in the tree at Rockafeller Center, rode the subway downtown to grab a bite to eat and found I was more me than I have been in a really long time.

For those two hours there were no mortgage nightmares unfolding at a snail’s pace, while questions of where we would live and other adult style crises hung overhead. For those hours there was only the city, and thousands of others sharing in those same holiday sounds and the alive energy that is New York City. To be honest, before we navigated my car into the Lincoln tunnel I questioned if I even wanted to attempt a few city hours. It seemed so pitiful and teasing, but the way in which they filled me left me realized these moments matter and to seize them…

Yes, everyone else realized this long, long ago.

On the other side of that tunnel, (the very reason we were in Jersey to begin with) there was an ICU room at Rutgers, where we’d left our hearts. This perhaps made our New York jaunt a little lighter as well. Visiting hours gave us a free afternoon and sitting in a hotel room sounded like too much time to think, too much time to worry, too much… So, we adventured. If you’ve ever been to Newark then you know, adventuring there was NOT a wise idea, so the City was the obvious choice. (But, of course…)

I drove through Pennsylvania mountains yesterday, heading home to Michigan. As the miles spread between us and that hospital room, between me and that city, I was overcome with all of the things that matter and all of the things that do not. I italicize “home” because it isn’t for me. Even, aside from the fact that we technically, right now, do not have a real home. For Christmas I need to find a way to make peace with this idea of the two coexisting. For my husband, I do. He belongs here, and that means I must too. While I’ve tried in countless ways to make it home, I have to keep trying and finding new ways. This matters. My marriage, my family, my beautiful daughters, my son- whereever he is- my relationships, my writing… These things matter.

Why, at Christmas, do we get so caught up focussing on those things which often do not?

For Christmas I gave myself the gift of seeing that RC Christmas tree, something I have always wanted to do. Standing there, with every other smiling, selfie taking person, I realized there wasn’t a gift in the world I could unwrap that would mean more to me than that did. Even if it took $62 in parking fees and a $14 bridge toll to do it. Life is about the journey, the moments… We fill up, on the inside, with the moments. A cup of tea and a hearty laugh with a good friend can do more for the soul than a new sweater ever could, so why is the second one so more easily attainable it seems? This is a sad, sad part of today’s reality.

Yesterday, driving through those mountains, I soaked them in. No, they were not my Pacific Northwest mountains of Home, but they were mountains none the less. They were refreshing to my spirit and I allowed myself to fill up on them like I filled on the city. 2014 has been filled to the brim with some of the ugliest and hardest minutes and hours I have ever known, the worst being within the last few weeks. It took seeing someone we love become a living-breathing miracle to realize that I have to choose to not let my 2015 continue in such a fashion. Even if the trend sets similarly, I will take notice, adventure and savor.

Cruel intentions…

Published on July 16, 2014July 15, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

Daily it seems I grow more and more aware of how honorable my intentions are, and how significantly far I fall from that mark. I think on this, as I sit in a quiet house after being in noise and busy for nine long days. Some ten days before this moment I saw myself further, progressed beyond the same place I’ve stood, unfinished. There are always grand excuses. Traffic, noise, construction, illness… But what did I manage to do? Distraction.

Well, that’s not entirely true either. A little.

Chw had a business trip in the northwest suburbs of Chicago and since Gen is gone for the summer, I decided to tag along and accomplish some writing. I felt I could (professionally speaking) use the inspiration of a change of scenery, and I love the hotel environment. As an added bonus, despite both of our infinities for Chicago itself, we had the opportunity to go into the city on Friday night. On one side of the journey I imagined it all so different than it was, and it wasn’t bad. That’s not what I mean. I was simply, well… Life.

During the week we put some of the best food we have ever eaten, in our mouths. We had great conversation, we explored. It started out really great. At the hotel, during the daytime though, my time was less than productive as there was major construction going on. It did not matter what I tried, or where I went, I just could not seem to accomplish anything, so by Wednesday mid-morning I simply gave up and buried my nose in my kindle. Then, Wednesday evening Chw got sick, and since he seldom gets ill, things plummeted quickly. Our too-late-to-change-plans adventure into Chicago itself was a gigantic waste of stress, energy and money as everything we wanted to do while there (Taste of Chicago and Millenium Park) were made much less appealing by A.) how my poor husband felt, and B.) the torrential downpour we were in. It was hard not to be a little disappointed, but if we haven’t learned life is anything but what we expect, by now- then I need to start paying better attention.

Once again home, and back in my office, I’m reflecting at my planner, my to do lists and just realizing that there has to be another way. Something isn’t quite “connecting” between the inspiration to do something and then opportunity to actually do it. But what? What am I missing? Getting away didn’t help… And sure, I could say “yeah, but it wasn’t as great as I hoped it would be!” But it’s not like we can all afford to redo every vacation or trip that doesn’t go as we planned. It is what it is, it was not a bad trip. I love my husband and we had fun, before he became miserable. I got to spend quality time with my daughter and her soon-to-be step-sons. I got to see my dad and sister. I fell in love with the wonder that is bacon wrapped dates. I went to the most incredible movie theater ever. My husband bought me the best umbrella I’ve ever owned! (If you didn’t know, I love umbrellas) and I got to sleep in a luxurious room with the best view of the Sears tower. I’m “stuck” because something is stuck… And I’m starting to think it’s just because I allow it to be. Maybe this disconnect is less of a seasonal thing (like it may have started out) and is now more of a pattern.

yuck…