Category: gratitude

On being Rachel…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment
It’s been an interesting mom week around our house. Being that Genny is our youngest and the only kid at home- it has been really fun to see her take on a different role. 
When Genny was six years old, she had a special friend in the form of a 13 year old girl named Rachel. While Rachel would “babysit” Gen, (at her house, while her parents were home- Rachel simply entertaining her) they played all sorts of games and formed all kinds of memories that 7 years later Genny still holds them among her most cherished. 
This week Genny has had a blast “being Rachel” to our adorable little six year old friend lil’ C… {Sidenote: up until this week, it was Chw (Big C) who had the most favor with lil’ C but i do believe Genny and I have made some headway :) }

I love when things have come full circle and I can sit back and reflect on the growth of my beautiful thirteen year old, as well as mine as a mom. 
What a lovely life gift this week has been… 
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Raw…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay6 Comments
When a woman gives birth to a baby, bestowed upon her is this power that she can make or break the entire life of her child with one smooth move. That’s kind of a lot. 
I don’t think most moms even realize it. 
In fact, I would go so far as to say that a woman wouldn’t grasp the depth of such a truth until she has come to love a child whose entire life was shattered in such a way.
I have three of these such kids. 
And the thing is, I know they love me. Loving me isn’t even the challenge. Allowing me to love them isn’t either. The obstacle is them believing that I could possibly find worth in them that is not based on their actions- and stick around unconditionally. That is the tough part. 
And so, I have been going along loving them through the big feelings that are far too difficult to accept and comprehend- regardless of how old these kids grow. As they get older, we talk more openly about some of these things. As best we can anyway. 
Life moves along. Good days, bad days; huge days, small days… 
And then the post man brings me a letter from my oldest daughter that changes everything. 
In it she tells me that she finally knows I am not going anywhere, no matter what disappointments she could ever cause. 
It strikes me, the power in that. 
The responsibility. 
The gift… Because, it is a gift. To extend such faith in me when the very idea of faith feels ridiculous… 
I am humbled and awed. 
And more than anything I am incredibly grateful…
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hurt healing epoxy…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments
After seven heart breakingly unique and horrifying miscarriages, (six pregnancies, once was twins) i found myself very ill and in need of a hysterectomy. I was 24. Almost anyone reading my blog knows this part of the story. Almost everyone also knows that we were supposed to adopt a new born from Arizona, but the adoption fell through. About 6 months later we took in a pair of foster twin girls that we grew very attached to. Their birth mother had consented, after 6 months, to sign the papers when a loophole processed her out of jail and she took them back the day before our tenth month anniversary with them. 
The idea of motherhood, for me, was this crack spreading heartache and I found it impossible to grasp the beauty or joy of it. I had plenty of friends with children of their own, but i just could not quite fathom the amazingness of it. And then, I accepted this job at a group home. I met Lucas and Amanda there. Lucas was 11 and Amanda was 10, and I was so lucky to be there with them, and grow to love them more and more, over the course of the following year. In fact, much to our dismay they remained in that home until they graduated high school. Over that time I (and they) was told that my love was not real, that our bond did not exist and that our being a family was not good for anyone. I learned about how God is bigger than circumstance though, and the love and bond between us grew despite distances and circumstance. It was not ideal, even with visits twice a year and the occasional phone call and letters. In the middle of this distance, God literally dropped Genny into my lap. Everyday we tried to reconcile what our family meant, how real it could possibly be and what actual reality it could ever be- and those reconciliations would come up desperate and empty until my eyes would fall, once again, on the framed photos upon my nightstand. My heart would warm in a way that nothing before- or sense- had ever made it do. Peace would flood my veins and I would remember that the hows and the whys did not matter. All that mattered was truth, and the truth was that we were a family and belonged together.

And we got there.
Eventually it didn’t matter anymore. Eventually we could be honest and open. We could heal hurts and hearts and made family memories.
The three of them are very close, and for that I am beyond grateful. I am very close with each one of my kids, in very different ways. I have their laughter, the rise and falls of their voice and emotion, and a trillion other unique things about them filling what once were the cracks in my heart. Each ounce of loss prepared me to love them, each second of heart break determined me to love them more.

Some women get beautiful and amazing birth stories…
As for me, I got a love story.
A life story… Because first my kids, in essence, saved my life- and then they made my life far more than it could ever have been without them. My heart aches to say that they were meant to be mine, but I don’t believe that they were meant for the horrors they knew before us- so I guess it’s mostly that they are mine and I wouldn’t have it any other way… 

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Five…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment
Me–
– Pedicure with my youngest.
– Read a couple of books, for me.
– Get a facial.
– Work on my happy book.
– the Dark Shadows opening day!
– Swimming/water.
Us–
– Cinco De Mayo family dinner.
– celebrate Chw’s birthday.
– our first camping trip of the summer.
– Drive in movies.
– plant flowers.
– Farmer’s markets.
– finish school {!!!!}

Heart–
– writing. writing. writing.
– water front journaling.
– good, quality friend time.
– hugs and snuggles.
– be kind.
– be grateful.
– spread kindness and gratitude. 
Create–
– Gen’s 13 year old photos.
– Sew a valance.
– build (possibly) an outdoor pop up kitchen.
– a new photo series. 
Home–
– dinner table talking.
– new recipes and treats made with love.
– movies and popcorn on comfy sofas.
– jokes, laughter and board games.
– creative projects, together.

Health–
– drink water.
– be in water.
– walk.
– massage.
– skin care. 
Love–
– date night out.
– date nights in.
– talking and kissing.
– twilight walks, and holding hands. 

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