Category: gratitude

just call me the bag lady…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay3 Comments

IMG_2948My weekend was a mixed bag…

Whenever that happens, and it’s not simply a fantastic set of days, I’m tempted to wallow and cast a negative shadow on the whole thing. In the essence of fairness though, that’s simply not, well, fair.There is something truly redemptive in the way discomfort or a “bad day” makes the beautiful look better. It really does have a way of fine tuning our gratitude, when we let it. I tried to let that be the attitude with which my weekend seemed to abide by. I wasn’t perfect, and that’s ok.

On Facebook I shared that I wanted to:

1.) see a movie. (now there’s a shocker.)

2.) paint my toenails.

3.) finish a home organization project.

And I met my goals. While I did other things, and I likely could have done more, I set three simple goals that were practical, important (to me) and fun (or at least a mix of the three) and it made the weekend a lot easier. When I did that, I did not know we would deal with the teenage animosity we dealt with, pangs of homesickness over what we were missing back in Boise this weekend, or that I would struggle with an on & off again three-day migraine. (allergies combined with stress…)

But the really good bits-

an unexpected nap;

food & game night with friends;

laughter;

my husband’s awesome popcorn;

having the laundry done by the end of the weekend- these are really good things. And amidst the worst moments, these rays of brightness become even better. Maybe the very best we should hope for is a mixed bag, because too much of a good thing just makes it bland and ordinary and I don’t want that for any of my beautiful moments…

Slow learning, since 1976…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay6 Comments

What I’ve learned in May is kind of a tricky topic. I feel it’s likely, on any given day, that I could have a varying degree of answers. One day I’d tell you that I learned to master the most amazing sandwich recipe, the next I’d cry into my sourdough bread and tell you how I’ve learned nothing and I’m a huge failure, doomed to repeat the same disastrous mistakes day after day.

I live with a fifteen year old girl, who is the barometer of our house. I’ve learned this.

I kind of, sort of, pretty much, definitely hate it. {learned that too.}

In all seriousness, it’s been a tough month. My instinct is to lay it all out for you and prove to you that I’m a failure as a wife, mother, writer and _________ (insert every other area here), but the truth is, I’ve learned the damage thinking such things can do. While yes, it has become painstakingly clear that I am not an awesome mom because apparently awesome moms have their stuff figured it by now, I have learned that I daily become more and more of the person I’m destined to be. Labeling all of my steps along this journey, until this moment, as failure only sounds spoiled and ungrateful.

I already knew I didn’t want to be that…

I’ve learned that love is patient. Most of us know that. It’s something ingrained into our brains and yet, I’m only really starting to understand what that truly means. I’ve learned that saying “no” to the stuff we should say no to is tough, and saying “yes” to the stuff we should agree to is even tougher. This realization hit me like a Mack truck to the face, and I still think it sucks, but something about knowing it helps me when I’m faced with the question and that’s a good thing.

I’ve learned that intentional dating is an awesome thing to do with my husband, but sometimes life is heavy and hard and we just need to escape and zone out at the movies together. Feeling guilty for that isn’t healthy.

I tried to learn to make fried chicken again. (the last time was 20 years ago.) I will not try again. I realize there is nothing healthy about fried chicken but I grew up on fried chicken picnics and Chw grew up on Sunday fried chicken dinners. Nostalgia inspired me to try it again. I did learn that I’m a really great cook, when it comes to some things, and fried chicken is not one of them. I am ok with this…

Regarding writing, and working from home, May has been quite an educational month. I’ve learned I work better when I’m working. Novel concept, (no pun intended) I know. It’s that simply, though, so I’ve begun scheduling my hours and it works like a dream. Because it’s the end of the school year oddness, a few things have been tweaked, but it’s been a pretty great and I’ve been more productive and taken more steps forward this month than I have in well over a year.

It all falls under the same lesson though, one I think that I’ve been learning since I was seven years old… That’s the lesson of grace. Grace for myself, grace for others… I’ll wake up and need to learn it again tomorrow. I think I’m stuck in my own version of Groundhog Day over here…

en-cour-age…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay10 Comments

encourage-compromise    Encouragement might look different for each of us. I know that it will likely always be one of those mysteries… We can’t actually see it, or touch it, yet we feel it and crave it- therefore knowing it is real.

Since March of 2012 I have been on a journey that has led me through my darkest hours. I’ve been deep within the trenches of darkness and depression at times, and I have contemplated the long hike up the hill towards hopeful optimism at others. The last year has been better than the previous, but only because the bad details were different. There has been a lot of isolation and aloneness, which I honestly don’t like. The first year found my husband and I purging our lives of relationships which were not healthy for our family. We had sort of known for a while, because of how they made us feel, but due to the circumstances that year brought along, our eyes were finally opened to the way those people viewed and treated our kids (as well as us) and we just couldn’t stand it any longer. It was easier than we would have thought, though admittedly, it was sad that it took us so long to see it.

This past year though, was different. An unexpected job change had us relocating to the other side of the country again and frankly, I wasn’t at all interested in leaving my friends. I have a core group of friends that I love and adore and being close to them (geographically) had become (what felt like) vitally important. And yet, here I was, thousands of miles away. Already struggling with depression and things just seemed to go from bad, to worse, (to worse.) Other friendships I had struggled to maintain, mostly one-sided, really took their toll on me and suddenly living in what felt like complete isolation altered my perception and opened my eyes yet again. The growing, it’s not comfortable or pleasant but it’s necessary and on this side of it, I am so grateful. Through the process I’ve learned so much about friendship, and about being a friend… And about encouragement…

Like I mentioned before, maybe it looks different for each of us. Maybe there are those of us who are content with a greeting card variety of some one else penned phrases and little genuine effort. I am not that person. The most encouraging thing someone can do for me is make an effort in my life. {The opposite is true too though, the most discouraging and hurtful thing is to disrespect me by ignoring/dismissing me.} The biggest thing I’ve learned however, is that I am my MOST encouraged by being an encouragement to others. I let the light into my darkness most, by intentionally being a light to others. Maybe it’s supposed to be that way… Maybe it isn’t. Maybe I’m weird, maybe I’m a slow learner. I don’t know… All I know is that this recent process in my life kiln, these past two years have shown me that I am my most encouraged when I simply love others actively, genuinely and intentionally…

 

{Image credit}

Happiness is…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments

Over the weekend we had the privilege of seeing a local theatre production of You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown.  Anyone who knows me knows that I love musical theatre, but I have to be honest, this show was nowhere on my radar. At all. I don’t even know why. In reality, if it wasn’t for the fact that friends of ours were directing the production (and their awesome kids, whom we adore, were also in the show) we probably wouldn’t have gone at all.

Sometimes, I love the surprise of being wrong about something. This show is adorable. These kids were incredible, maybe beyond incredible. Having a daughter who was once heavily immersed in theatre, I’ve seen a lot of children perform but some of these kids were phenomenal. Plus, the show just made me, well- happy!

Towards the end of the show, different members of the Peanuts gang take turns saying what Happiness is to them. Interestingly, I have that little Peanuts gift book, Happiness Is… And I love it!

With last week being such a downer, I thought I’d take a minute to just share some things that are happiness to me.

Happiness is…

– a warm ceramic mug, cupped by both hands.

– fresh sheets.

– songs sang by the Cello.

– laughing with my husband.

– tall blades of grass flecked with fireflies.

– peonies.

– thunder rumble, with pouring rain.

– bright blue, sun streamed sky.

– weekend brunch.

– being in one room, with my kids.

– taking a really unexpectedly great photo.

– my completely awesome friends.

– B29 bacon.

– unique & ecclectic office/paper products and notebooks.

– an afternoon to read.

– picnics followed by nothing but enjoying the moment.

– when a butterfly lands on me.

– getting a facial.

– good hair days.

– the Boise connector, right when BoDo comes into sight. *sigh* (makes my heart leap- EVERY TIME)

– the ocean beach. Any will do, but the Oregon coast is best.

– New Mexico sunsets. Best skies, period.

– good, fresh roasted green chili.

– getting letters in the mail.

– finding the perfect pen.

– Kate Spade. While I love most of the brand products (most), I’m a big fan of the woman herself. (who is no longer associated with brand, fyi)

– Starbucks Lime Refreshers. {and that my husband loves them too. We NEVER love the same thing!}

– inside jokes.

What makes you happy?

Pajamas Bring Peace, headlines read…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

For my birthday I got a pair of new, summer pajamas. I love pajamas. If I could have 500 pairs of unique, cute, cotton pajamas, I totally would. I don’t want to live in them or anything, I just love them in the evening. The down side to these particular pajamas though, was that it was still a little too cold to wear them, so I tucked them away and eventually they slipped my mind.

This week started out ridiculous. Monday became a Monday, and I am not the type of girl who has Mondays. I’m not the personality type to have a bad day and then focus on how bad it is so that I only see the negative. Everything about Monday, however, went from bad to worse. It was one of those luck days where the bad luck simply kept on coming, like a geyser, even though I ignored it and attempted to laugh my way through it. My husband had gone out of town, on business, and I was left to deal with the broken air conditioning unit, the phone calls, the tornado sirens, the upset pets, the overly anxious teenager and all of the bad “luck” things that tucked in the “in-betweens”. To help matters, I haven’t been sleeping more than 2-3 hours (of broken sleep, in 15 min. intervals) for months now, and Sunday night had been an all time low. (I wear a fit bit that monitors/confirms this.)

Gen and I decided, due to the storms and bad weather, to camp out on air mattresses, in the living room. (Air mattresses because we currently have NO living room furniture, which is a whole other, increasingly stressful ordeal.) Well little sleep, naturally, happened.

Tuesday morning started out ok, despite Monday’s set backs. I ran out to do errands and was in a noon meeting that went a bit frustrating. As I’m walking back to my car I see 7 missed calls from Gen’s school. I listen to frantic messages from her about how she is sick and why I am ignoring her… (there were emails of the same tone.) Super sad… I rush to the school, (in bad, unusually thick traffic so it takes an insane amount of time) and get her home. Just as she’s settling in to our 98 degree house, (remember, broken AC) with her 103 degree fever, and I’m on the phone with our nurse- the power goes out. More storms hit, and 5 hours later, the power is restored but nothing in our fridge survived, due to the temps in the house coupled with the power outage. Awesome.

Wednesday finds my husband back in town, and back in the office. Gen makes it back to school after lunch, fever free and I’m optimistic that things might just be resuming themselves to normal… And just when I finally hit a groove of “this is good, I can deal with this”, my husband calls to tell me he’s headed to the ER due to a work injury. The rest of the day is a blur of that, taking care of make up stuff that had been neglected earlier in the week, running my high schooler to all of the many places she needs to be, running out of gas, etc.

Thursday he was home from work, but I was driving him to doctors and pharmacies, running school errands and literally hit the ground running the second my alarm went off. By the time 10 0’clock rolled around last night I was done. I was tired, I was so achy (this wasn’t a good fibromyalgia week, between the weather, the stress, the lack of sleep) and I just wanted to crumble into a heap and cry. This furniture situation has my blood pressure soaring and my guilt soaring because it’s such a shallow issue when there are REAL problems in the world. (Did I mention the dentist is calling EVERY DAY wondering when we will schedule Genny’s oral surgery and braces? the $6000 process that we just don’t have the cash lying around for, and I tell them that we are working on figuring something out, but they call back the next day. It just makes me feel like crap…)

BUT THEN, then, last night, I look in my PJ drawer and there are my birthday pjs. And they are new cotton and they feel so cool in the hot house. I put them on and I go in to wash my face. I hadn’t even noticed how my hair looked because I’d just pulled it back while I folded laundry earlier, but it looks so great and I smile. For the first time, all week, I feel value. There, in my desperately-needs-cleaned bathroom, in my birthday pajamas, with my hair pinned back I feel like I have some worth and I feel pretty. I take a deep breath as the warm water glides over my face and, in that moment, I just commit to being in that moment.

When I crawl into bed, it’s 10:38. My husband is snoring, medication having knocked him out, and I twinge with an instantaneous sense of jealousy. I sigh because I know that gives me even less ideal time to sleep, but thats ok because despite the hardest week I’ve had in a really long time, I truly do feel full of peace. I acknowledge the feel of the pajama cotton on my skin and I feel so much comfort in the joy it brings me. I am overcome with joy for those forgotten birthday pajamas…

It’s not so bad to hide bits of joy, tucking them away for later… Note to self: just don’t forget to find them.