gratitude – Page 42

hours & minutes…

Published on December 18, 2014 by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

On Tuesday I spent two beautiful hours in the place I feel the most of everything. I walked city blocks, took in the tree at Rockafeller Center, rode the subway downtown to grab a bite to eat and found I was more me than I have been in a really long time.

For those two hours there were no mortgage nightmares unfolding at a snail’s pace, while questions of where we would live and other adult style crises hung overhead. For those hours there was only the city, and thousands of others sharing in those same holiday sounds and the alive energy that is New York City. To be honest, before we navigated my car into the Lincoln tunnel I questioned if I even wanted to attempt a few city hours. It seemed so pitiful and teasing, but the way in which they filled me left me realized these moments matter and to seize them…

Yes, everyone else realized this long, long ago.

On the other side of that tunnel, (the very reason we were in Jersey to begin with) there was an ICU room at Rutgers, where we’d left our hearts. This perhaps made our New York jaunt a little lighter as well. Visiting hours gave us a free afternoon and sitting in a hotel room sounded like too much time to think, too much time to worry, too much… So, we adventured. If you’ve ever been to Newark then you know, adventuring there was NOT a wise idea, so the City was the obvious choice. (But, of course…)

I drove through Pennsylvania mountains yesterday, heading home to Michigan. As the miles spread between us and that hospital room, between me and that city, I was overcome with all of the things that matter and all of the things that do not. I italicize “home” because it isn’t for me. Even, aside from the fact that we technically, right now, do not have a real home. For Christmas I need to find a way to make peace with this idea of the two coexisting. For my husband, I do. He belongs here, and that means I must too. While I’ve tried in countless ways to make it home, I have to keep trying and finding new ways. This matters. My marriage, my family, my beautiful daughters, my son- whereever he is- my relationships, my writing… These things matter.

Why, at Christmas, do we get so caught up focussing on those things which often do not?

For Christmas I gave myself the gift of seeing that RC Christmas tree, something I have always wanted to do. Standing there, with every other smiling, selfie taking person, I realized there wasn’t a gift in the world I could unwrap that would mean more to me than that did. Even if it took $62 in parking fees and a $14 bridge toll to do it. Life is about the journey, the moments… We fill up, on the inside, with the moments. A cup of tea and a hearty laugh with a good friend can do more for the soul than a new sweater ever could, so why is the second one so more easily attainable it seems? This is a sad, sad part of today’s reality.

Yesterday, driving through those mountains, I soaked them in. No, they were not my Pacific Northwest mountains of Home, but they were mountains none the less. They were refreshing to my spirit and I allowed myself to fill up on them like I filled on the city. 2014 has been filled to the brim with some of the ugliest and hardest minutes and hours I have ever known, the worst being within the last few weeks. It took seeing someone we love become a living-breathing miracle to realize that I have to choose to not let my 2015 continue in such a fashion. Even if the trend sets similarly, I will take notice, adventure and savor.

“Sick” days…

Published on December 4, 2014 by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

Sometimes being a parent means giving up things… This morning it means giving up my gym time because my tenth grader is (most likely) faking sick, to stay home from school and sleep in. Sure, from what could be your (the reader’s) perspective, this could seem like she may rule the roost around here. She may sound spoiled. I may sound like a horrible parent, allowing such undisciplined behavior…

I mean, what kind of mother allows their 15-year-old to wake up and say “I don’t feel good, can I stay home?” and follows it with a “sure, whatever you want, go back to bed.” It’s not like I wasn’t already awake at 5:12 in the morning and wouldn’t have loved to go back to bed myself. (unfortunately, I’m not wired that way.)

Sometimes being a parent means making the tough calls… In this house we believe in mental health days.

I’ve written a bit about it before, but my beautiful, amazing and very bright daughter has a lot of heavy burdens. She really carries some huge struggles and some seasons are a lot more difficult than others. Now that she’s getting older her struggles tend to come out in the form of defiance, rage, self-destruction and deception. There is always a storm raging beneath her surface, and being the human being who loves her maybe more than anyone else on the planet- this brings me great pain. In the seasons that are especially difficult for her though, (which are from Halloween to New Years and then again in the month of March.) these are typically the hardest and darkest times for our family. She is always the barometer at which our family functions because she is unpredictable and, well, we’ve just learned to cope the best we can. Those harder times though, those harder times are worse. They are worse because there is also this need to make them lovely. These are holiday times, and birthday times, which is psychologically why she sets out to ruin them (unintentionally.) The old instinctual reaction of hurt them, before they hurt you; or ruin it first so you are disappointed when someone else ruins it for you. Heartbreaking really…

Sometimes I reflect on the last decade plus, of this journey, and I think about how much better things have gotten. The truth is though, in the majority of ways they haven’t gotten better, Chw and I have just grown more honest with ourselves. We live our lives, and spend our holidays differently than you or I might. And it’s certainly not all bad. In fact, in this week’s episode of the podcast we touch on one of the sweeter, (and crucial) parts of the holiday season, for us. Adoption is a beautiful, but tricky thing.

So, if my fifteen year old is feeling overwhelmed and needs to take a break from everything- I’m ok with that. In fact, we taught her that it was ok to do that. It’s her third time in the semester and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. She has great grades, isn’t going to miss any major tests or important deadlines today.

Today, for me, being a parent means admitting that I’m so grateful she can acknowledge this need within herself, even if she isn’t fully able to be honest about just needing some time, and rest.

The art of looking…

Published on November 25, 2014November 25, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

A few snowflakes dance on the outer side of my office window.

I sit here watching them waltz, kiss a bit and then chase each other down to the ground… It is snowing in such a way that it isn’t really snowing at all. Gen had hoped for a snow day because, honestly, she has (finally) reached that point in adolescence where she wants to fake sick and miss school. Since it took her becoming a Sophomore for this to happen, I began to question if it ever would. Tragically, (for her) the green grass outside and blustery seven flakes, in the late morning, do not constitute inclement weather. Not so tragic for me, I guess. I sit here thinking about the state of life. How sad things fill our news feeds every day, but when then are big unfathomable things that happen here on our own American soil they feel so much bigger.

Life feels heavy.

Days before Thanksgiving, the state of it all feels bleak. Dark.

And then I see commercials or ads for Black Friday sales and mention of how we need or want this, that and something else. More, more, more… I’m so sad because, you guys, we just don’t get it. Maybe for a window of time you get it, or I get it, but we as a people do not register that the way to make the dark a little brighter is simply to shed a little kindness and share some love. On a radio show this morning someone commented that this “Ferguson stuff is putting a damper on my Thanksgiving.” What? No, this person does not live anywhere near Missouri. Talk about missing the point of Thanksgiving in the first place.

While I typed my last blog post, 34 days ago, I’m sure I glanced up to see leaves dance outside of my window the very same way these snowflakes have been. There is something both beautiful and a touch magical about these dancing seasonal fragments of nature. My soul needs the wonder of their whimsy amidst the blackness clouding my phone, Facebook, twitter and internet feeds.

It took me looking up, from the bad though, to see this good. That’s how it is. Sometimes, we have to look up. Sometimes, we have to seek out the beautiful moments, but they are there.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, but this year everything in me wants to hate it because everything I love about it is not present. I miss home, I miss my family and friends. Scrolling through photos of my nieces and nephews, my heart-felt homesick pangs like none I’ve had before. I have china and service ware for holidays that I doubt will ever be used again and I am the shallow sort of person who sheds real, hot, heartbreaking tears over this realization. All of that being said though, (and I’m not complaining, I’m just being real…) I’m looking a little bit harder these days and I am finding things to be thankful for…

Things beyond the:

– my amazing husband

– my wonderful kids

– my adorable, faithful canine companions

things like,

– a warm place to sleep, even if it’s only a temporary solution.

– clean water to drink, that does not carry disease.

– one really lovely weekend. We had a nice date, Chw and i, and we had a really fun family day. This was preceded and followed by home stress that neither of us have any energy or resources to deal with, anymore, but the weekend was divine.

– ridiculous conversations with my awesomely witted friends.

– Rudolph Christmas stamps. I’m not sending out Christmas cards this year (for the first year ever) but those stamps are amazing.

– the rains that came and took the snow (for now) away.

– sore muscles.

– friends who keep me accountable.

– cozy pajamas and flannel sheets.

– a thermometer that reads in the ear.

– tea, iced or warm.

Thanksgiving, the day, is in a few days. It’s Thanksgiving for Americans living in Boise, Detroit, Tampa and Ferguson. People have buried loved ones this week, or will prepare to. Thanksgiving is a spirit we need to embrace, to make the most of our moments, our people and our breaths… This is what I mean when I say Happy Thanksgiving.

The randomness of absence…

Published on October 21, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

I know, I know, it has been FOREVER since I blogged. In a few ways my husband could be held responsible for that, but I’ll get to that on another day. (and no, it won’t be a “trash your husband post”, you should know me better than that!)

Really though, I think the real culprit behind my lack of consistent blogging (and oh, so many other things) is 2014 itself. I don’t know about you, but this has been one nightmare of a year. As I reflect back over these past 10 months, I can’t find one salvageable one and I fear if I dug deeper, the weeks would play out the same. I hate to grimly nutshell it like that, but there it is. This isn’t really a whine about the year post either. Perhaps it’s an I don’t know what kind of post this actually is– sort of post.

As I’m sitting at my desk, in my chair, writing these nonsense words, fingers clickety-clacking on the keys before me- my eyes look to the grey blanket gloom filled sky outside my small office window and I can’t help but find it fitting. Trying to find words to say what I want to say here without being morose, and seeing this typical Michigan-sad sky already speaking them for me. I wish you could see it. The most delightful part about really, it is that I’m sitting here typing at all. For the past four weeks, I couldn’t have done that. Even now, I don’t think I could do it for long, but I’m sitting here, posture well, and that’s something. Late September I had surgery and while I knew the recovery could take months, and would be difficult, what I did not know was the that recovery would often feel like death, I would have numerous complications and this recovery would be one of the hardest things that I may go through physically.

My fifteen year old, she texts me about 147 times a day. Yesterday was sort of nice because she got her phone taken away and so she didn’t text me at all, but then she decided to be a little bit nicer and more helpful, (see: surgery, recovery, etc. I need help. A LOT of it, sometimes.) and she got her phone back. While I’m sure you’re thinking Awe, it’s so sweet she texts you so much, it’s not so simple. Her phone is restricted and she can currently ONLY text/call her parents. This was a result of major cell phone abuse and some really poor choices. She’s been given phone rules, and goals and told it will take a long time to earn trust back. One of those rules is no texting during class. (see: 147 times a day. and no, these aren’t to check on me. This happened since the first day of school. My most common text to her is “aren’t you in class?” Oye…)

We are buying a house. Well, let me refrain. We are hoping to buy a house. We, like half the country, lost a home (and most of our savings/money) in 2007. We were hurt/jaded and swore we’d never buy again. In June of this year, we decided to take a few steps towards buying a home. Our timeline for such an endeavor was Late fall of 2015/early spring of 2016. We were moving along well and feeling really good about our plan. This lasted roughly a month. Things began to look really grim (long term) regarding my mom’s health. She’s a few thousand miles away, and honestly she has a modest income. We can’t afford to put her in assisted living. Realistically if she continues to live alone, she is at risk for many things and it’s just not a good option any longer. I’m her only daughter and so after a hospital scare we had the conversation where we realized it was time to talk about bringing her here to the Midwest’s version of the Arctic tundra to live with us. I did not think she would be in favor, but she was and immediately began getting rid of things for her impending move east. The problem though, is that we currently rent a three story brown stone. The main floor is on the second story and the full bath and bedrooms are on the third. My mom is on a walker on a rare good day and does require a wheelchair. (someday soon, permanently.) We found the perfect house, and lost the perfect house. Found a lot of lemons, got really discouraged, and then came upon a doable option. It requires some tweaking, and isn’t the most ideal for her, but what is out there really wasn’t meeting those needs unless we stumbled upon a trunk load of cash for renovations and repairs… It’s all been beyond stressful, and this mortgage process is enough to make me want to stick kindergarden safety scissors through my eyeballs. Things are certainly different since the mortgage restructuring. Everyday it’s “everything is great, you’re good to go”, then swinging over to “nope, I’m sorry, miscalculation! No mortgage for you!” and back. Our landlords decided to put the brownstone on the market, thus making us officially homeless should this mortgage thing fall through officially, (which it seems to do every Tuesday, Thursday and every other weekend plus holidays.)

One beautiful thing happened since I last blogged… My older daughter married a really great guy. It was a beautiful wedding and we are so proud of her! (she also had unexpected issues arise that confirm other than her wedding, 2014 is a total Jerk…) Second to that would be my bestie from Boise came out for a few days last week. It was awesomely wonderful and depressing because then she left again and I was reminded that I am certainly NOT in favor of living across the country.

Another semi lovely thing happened. I received a $50 Pottery Barn gift card. I am forbidden from buying anything for the house (of course, due to my mortgage induced whiplash I understand why.) I chose to buy Christmas ornaments as they’ll look beautiful no matter where we live. In hindsight, that may have been a mistake. I’m hoping, if it all goes south, we find a box to live in big enough for at least a Charlie Brown tree…

Nearer my heart…

Published on August 11, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

For quite awhile, my youngest was obsessed with Paris. When she turned twelve we naturally had a Parisian themed birthday party complete with French movies, a fashion show and crepes for breakfast. While I think visiting Paris would be lovely, someday, I never shared her obsession or wonder over the fantasy of what she believed Paris was. Her Parisian focus certainly did not come from me, but we homeschooled at the time and I think our lives (as such) blurred the lines between where Gen ended and I began in areas. Many of my friends assumed I loved Paris, and Gen simply mimicked me.

For one of my birthdays, amidst of France phase, my friend gave me a french coin inscribed with a phrase, (in French), a turned into a pendant and put on a chain. The inscription read “The joy of life.” It was very unique and I loved it simply because I love my friend, though honestly the French aspect meant nothing to me. Then, last year when we moved to Michigan, I lost it. I hadn’t realized consciously that I wore the necklace every day until I was forced to go a day without wearing it. I felt vulnerable and unprepared. One day, some months later, it mysteriously appeared in my night stand drawer. While that’s a whole other set of stories for another time, I can honestly say I’d never been so happy to see a piece of jewelry in all my life.

I deeply missed my friend.

It felt like home…

I took the necklace off, in Chicago, to put on something a little more fancy for a small date with my husband. Since that day, those weeks ago, I’ve made the knowing decision every morning NOT to put it back on. It felt to big, somehow. Like choosing to wear The joy of Life around my neck was simply more than I could take on in that moment.

Last night Chw and I had dinner with dear friends whom we hadn’t seen in years and years. They have walked the parenting road we walk now, and it hasn’t gone lovely for them. While they understand how hopeless and insurmountable life, right now, truly seems/feels, just talking with someone else who gets it was reassuring. I can honestly say, in all my life, I have never felt more alone. There are several ugly, regret filled conversations that have filled our lips these past weeks/months, but there is no room to dwell on such things. Instead we must stand up, brush ourselves off and move forward. The Joy of Life. I don’t know how to have it today, but I do know I’m in charge of choosing it.

This morning my husband flew across the country for work and I got up, got dressed, washed my face, walked my dogs and then came inside and put on my necklace.

The Joy of Life.

I will have to remind myself with every tear fall, with ever ice pick twinge to the head, with every second that reality crashes around me… but even in the seconds when I forget that I do have some choices and that joy is one of them, the reminded will be there whispering its French inscription to my heart. Not only tying me to such a truth, but to my beautiful friend and a time when motherhood wasn’t so overwhelmingly dark.