Category: gratitude

Connect…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

hello, 2016…

If first impressions mean anything, than I suspect you and I won’t really get along too well. It is the first day of a new year, a blank slate, a fresh chapter- and I can honestly say I’ve not quite caught up yet. This place I’m playing peek a boo with, inside of my heart and mind, is not a good place to be. It is dark, desolate, isolating and in it I find myself pretty afraid. I fear that I’ve just cycled through too much these past forty-five days…

Is that possible?

One day I was on a track, complete with dreams and plans. While it’s true that some of those plans may have eventually led me to the very pedestal of isolation I currently find myself on, being separated from my husband and such, the journey would have been very different and found me significantly more prepared and at peace. I’m full of so many aches and questions and the last thing in the world that I need is a bouquet of assumptions, mocking and an empty corner. It is no secret that I do not do well with change under the best of circumstances. Over these past five weeks though, so much has happened so fast. I’ve sailed along, able to focus on the next big thing while praying I’d make it through unscathed. Each thing brought about a new wave of feeling, fears and emptiness… And now, now there isn’t a big wave to focus on. The water is calm, while the sky holds threat of severe storms approaching. In this metaphor I guess it would be accurate to assess that I’m stuck there, in the sea, alone.

I am far from unscathed…

My word for this new year is Connect.

Nearly three years ago I moved away from a cluster of well-developed friendships, some of which did not survive the relocation. In those three years I tried desperately to form friendships in an area where this task just proved more impossible than anything else. Now I’m home and reminded daily that you can’t go back. The solution, (vital, at this point) would be to connect with others. Old friends, new friends, people…

Prior to the great move East, of ’13, I was fairly connected to myself. I worked in my art and felt whole with such endeavors. In that time away I lost more and more of my ability to create. Connecting to myself, channeling inspiration and finding the journey my soul needs to go on does seem equally as vital.

Learning to connect with my kids, especially my youngest, from across so many miles, and not as someone’s other half, but as me, feels like an insurmountable challenge.

Connecting with an educational program which will lead to the need of connecting with a community to grow in my career… Connecting with things I’ve lost touch with… With me, in other ways than simply art and written word… Connecting with God, connecting with the beauty that exists every where I am- even when that where has me isolated at sea… Connecting my heart to the song of the sea, connecting my eyes to the miracles around me. Connecting my time to a new routine. Connecting my body to where it is now, and how it is now, and how it may never be my ideal- or anyones… Connecting my confidence to the line where someone else’s approval doesn’t mean anything.

Connect. Connecting. Connection.

Hello, 2016. I don’t know anything about anything other than the fact that I’m so isolated, I’m so alone, I’m so tired, I’m so parched, I’m so trying-not-to-be-terrified. I’m so dazed in my mind and so incredibly far from a place of peace… But I’m here. I’m present.

While I’m no Gwyneth Paltrow…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

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The other night, out for coffee with a friend, she mentioned the oddness of my Separation. She’s not the first to point out a sort of discomfort with how seemingly peaceful things are between my husband and I. People seem unable to grasp the gentleness of it all.

And believe me, I use the word gentleness with great caution, because this process has truthfully been anything but…

My friend jokingly referenced the Martins and their Conscious Uncoupling. It was funny. We giggled, and then I realized that’s exactly what we’ve done. It isn’t that there is not room or just cause for resentments, anger and self-pity. Of course there are reasons for all of these things, on both sides. But Why? We simply decided to be better than settling for anger and hatred because that’s what has become the normal standard for failed relationships. The two of us have shared some powerful things and lowering ourselves to some societal expectation seems wasteful. Wasteful of time, wasteful of self-respect, dignity, the love and respect we share for our children, and the list goes on.

It isn’t easy. Not for one second.

The other day, mid-emotional meltdown I wanted to build a little resentment for how much easier his life is right now, than mine. And as I type this he would be completely justified in resenting me for him packing my things and loading them on a truck. This idea of Conscious Uncoupling, though ridiculed by the media, is something we should really look to, if a relationship simply can’t go on. It isn’t ideal to break up. No one unites with someone, with that in mind. But when each half of the couple, (or even one half) become so consumed with their failed expectations and resentments- no one wins. Not them, not the other, and especially not the kids.

My husband and I are the casual, american middle glass Chris and Gwyneth. People who don’t understand are free to not understand. Our decision, though not about anything other than this being the best decision for us, isn’t actually anyone else’s business. What we choose to share with others is our choice. I love my husband and am blessed to hold him among my dear friends. He is a great guy and I, as well as our kids, are so lucky to have him. This doesn’t mean this has been easy, or fun. It’s been the opposite. And sure, there are things I grieve… That hug always available when a day has been hard, or something nice happens; Someone to hold me when I just can’t bear to feel alone; that warm foot in the bed, to touch with mine, when it’s cold… None of these things are reasons to stay together, though they are nice and make life a little brighter, one can live without them. Along with Consciously Uncoupling, I am consciously learning to live in the moment and stand on my own. It’s terrifying, overwhelming and so many other things.

At least I’m conscious though, there’s that…

Be still & know…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

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On Fridays I meditate…

I’m trying to center the chaos of my mind by finding times to do this on other days of the week as well, but for now I’ll be honest and say I only manage Fridays, and even that I’m not super successful at.

A counselor I had, a couple of years ago, recommended that I take on the daily practice of guided meditation. My mind was against the idea and so my inner cynic found her guidance redundant and distracting. Instead I would tune her out and meditate on things like my grocery list, my meal plan and what load of laundry needed to dry vs. hang…

While I certainly have not changed in the last two years, I am a different person in many ways and so when a friend invited me to a meditation meeting, I figured I’d give it a chance. About a month, or so, into it- I’ve mastered the art of quieting my mind and sitting on the shore for about ten of the twenty-minute time allotment. After the (what I estimate is) halfway point, all of the self resentments, doubts and fears that I navigate through daily, finally break through and I can’t quite get back to my seashore. Even with that, I find myself overcome with gratitude for those moments when I was there, feet sinking in sunkissed sand, warm and comforting. There at my beach I talk to God, I surrender pieces of myself, particle by particle, and accept the honest truths that remain.

Last week was an emotionally difficult one, but I made it through the hard parts fairly unscathed. A half a dozen times I felt myself grasping for air and wishing someone would step over, take my hand and pull me from the chaos I couldn’t actually drown in. It’s amazing what another person can do. There is such a peace, and such a terrifying truth of power in that reality.

Life is relational. Whether that relationship, in any particular moment, is with God or other people with varying degrees of real estate in our life- it’s relational. When you cut out the relationship, or worse- when they do, you are left gaping and that never ends well.

These are the things I’m sorting out when I walk the beach on Fridays. These are the things that creep into my quiet moments when I’m outside in the crisp, cool air taking in the star scattered sky or driving in to school as the cotton candy sunrise bursts into the sky. My quiet moments are slowly becoming decipherable, and if this is something that being still can do for me then I’m grateful.

What I learned in June…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay3 Comments

bXoAlw8gT66vBo1wcFoO_IMG_91811.) My eyesight has gotten so much worse, and by worse I mean that I now need Progressive lenses. Boo. I couldn’t figure out why I was A.) spending less time reading/writing online and B.) reading (books) hardly at all. Turns out it was incredibly hard on my eyes.

2.) Getting old is EXPENSIVE. (and by old, of course I mean 39.) Progressive Lenses are insanely expensive. My eye doctor quoted $700, and then I finally learned Costco would do glasses and new sunglasses for $250 after insurance. I remember back when I wore regular glasses, and those were so affordable in comparison.

3.) Toxic people really do lash out and try to pull you into their toxic disrupt. With this lesson, which I’d realized, (but before June, it had only been evident in people I was close with, which provided different elements) comes their inability to see reality beyond their damaged, self-tinted perspective. Immediate boundaries are vital and key.

4.) Painting a front door is a miracle worker. Sure, I knew painting anything could be, but the front door thing is new to me. I’m sold…

5.) Apparently, when I’m under a lot of stress and I need a vacation, I mentally check out with Netflix. After the recommendation of a series earlier this month, by several friends, Last week my awesome friend Megan over at An Unruly Life turned me on to Korean Dramas. Over the span of a few days Gen and I were immersed in a show called Fated to Love You, and it’s been all things Korean ever since. She’s wanting Ramen for lunch, (which she loved anyway), we’re listening to KPop and now wrapped up in a Korean Teen drama. I am already a lover of Kimchee though I’m yet to find any as good as a local restaurant here makes, to bring home and eat. Genny is hoping to find a nice Korean boy to marry and take her to his country to live… (The last bit may be going a bit too far, but it’s all new for her so I’ll let it slide.)

6.) I’m continually reminded we aren’t in Kansas anymore, Toto. And by Kansas, I of course mean Idaho. Things here are so different and sometimes I get so caught up in normal life that I forget. There were a handful of things that happened in June which were harsh reminders… Adapt, Misty, Adapt…

7.) I absolutely LOVE notes and messages from listeners of our podcast. When we started, I wasn’t sure if it would just be friends, but we get some of the sweetest notes. We don’t do it for any reason other than we believe our experiences in marriage and parenting are worth sharing because we believe there are others out there who may be able to benefit from them. If you listen, thank you! You’re the best!

8.) I am part of a Mystery Mom pen pal exchange that I love. I’ve been doing it for months, but it wasn’t until it wrapped up the end of May and restarted in June that it really hit me, how huge of an impact it is in my life. I LOVE it. If you know me at all, you KNOW that i absolutely LOVE to bless others and make them feel loved. This is so up my alley and I’m a firm believer that when things are overwhelming for you, one of the best things you can do is bless others.

9.) I NEED to shake up my work out routine…

10.) My husband is my rock. I knew this to a severe extent, but this past month he has proven himself so much more so than I could even have imagined. What I would do without him, I hope I never, ever, ever have to find out. I can honestly say if I did not have him, I doubt I would be sane, or here at all, today. As Salt ‘n Pepa would say- What a Man, What a Man, What a Man, What a Mighty Good Man…

The one where Mother’s Day happens…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

nQZcA7PRTyuduZPSZQ88_wanderlustI was called yesterday for another job interview. Whatever made me start applying for any and every job, I’ll never know. I guess I just felt desperate. At any rate, this job isn’t one I’d actually want. LOTS of travel and that’s just not conducive with our life. I didn’t even mention it to Chw. He’s pretty adamant that he wants me to stay home and write. I’d love that too, if writing had a weekly or bi-weekly pay check which actually paid the bills. So, I’m at a loss…

Gen had surgery last week and her recovery has been less than ideal. Before surgery she envisioned a week of popsicles, tv binge watching and ease. While I was a bit more realistic about her projected recovery, I did imagine myself with a lot of productive free time on my hands for some quiet reno projects and writing. We both couldn’t have been much farther off. She told me this morning (recovery day five) that she wished she were dead, and while I know my daughter has a flair for the dramatic, I also know this has been incredibly hard. Between the high fevers, rashes, bouts of choking on drainage from her septoplasty, which in turn deeply hurts her tonsillectomy recovery and plummets her into fits of sobbing (helping neither situation at all), it’s been bad. She doesn’t want me out of the room she’s in, and within a foot or two from her is better. She’s whiny (understandably) and in so much pain. The doctor wanted her eating soft food by day four, but at this point she will still only manage incredibly small amounts of jello, squeeze pouch applesauces* or slushies and I don’t see this changing any time soon…

(*random question/curiosity about squeeze pouch applesauce. Whats the deal? She takes them in her lunches, which is fine. When the tonsilectomy slid onto the docket I bought jars of applesauce though, because it just made sense economically. Each time we tried it, she cried and couldn’t eat it because it hurt so bad. Finally yesterday I bought some squeeze pouch (because she eats them in her lunches, we were out) and she ate it fine. What’s the difference? It wasn’t psychological because she loves applesauce in general and didn’t ask for the SP over the jarred…)

Moving on…

I’ve managed a whole lot of nothing. In the last five days I’ve:

– argued with my husband.

– gotten frustrated. (more than once)

– eaten fast food (which I hate, unless it’s Chick Fil A, which we don’t have.)

– cried.

– felt miserable. (I actually have a pretty fierce cold, though I think it’s on the mend)

– wanted to throw my phone at something. A lot. (crappy service in our house.) Of course I didn’t, and why? Because I don’t have a job and to replace my phone would cost real money.

– laughed at my daughter, a lot. Her recovery has been full of comedy. At first this wasn’t intentional on her part (as anyone with a kid whose had anesthesia can attest) but since then, her sense of humor has been amazing. When she’s not whiny. (again, who can blame her?)

– found Coke Life. Hello… AMAZING.

– Worked on our half bath. This is our latest, and possibly most frustrating of reno projects. (was supposed to be our quickest/easiest. We’re fools to think…) Mostly Chw worked on it, and I cheered him on, brought him cool beverages and occasional food and did little things. It’s ALMOST done, and I’m thrilled. Hoping, by the weekend. We’re also putting in a garden though, and so that takes priority over the finishing touches on the bath.

– watched a LOT of Friends.

– seen half a dozen Hallmark movies.

– Realized it’s pretty hard to sit and watch tv when you have a ton of things to do. Sometimes though, (these times) sitting and watching tv is the right thing to do.

All in all, I’ve learned a lot about motherhood this week. From my life of homebound (mostly) boredom, television and lack of adult interaction, but also from my older daughter. Motherhood is the hardest thing I’ve ever journeyed through, and as a mother watching my daughter (who is an amazing mother) on her own journey is proving to be difficult as well.

Maybe Mother’s Day should be less about Hallmark cards and little gifts and more about personal milestones where we as moms sit back and reflect on another year and what we’ve trudged through, and how we’ve overcome. This world is full of weak moms who hurt or lose their kids, and then it is sprinkled with amazing women who pick up those pieces and mend the broken hearted babies with love and effort. Here’s to us… We may not be perfect, or even great but at least we did something good. Even when it’s just watching reruns on tv and coercing our sixteen year old to try another sip of water…