Category: gratitude

What I’ve learned…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

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With the close of February pretty much sitting in our laps, I’m forced to reflect on all it has contained. It has held the tragic death of someone eternally dear to me, an intense visit with my husband, moving in to my sister’s home, working with life coaches (which is an AMAZING process all on its own) the start of my minor string of 40 adventures before my birthday and so many millions of moments of greatness…

It’s time to focus on what I learned this month… The good, the bad and the ugly…

1.) that lesson Inside Out was trying to teach us, but I did not quite grasp: Our core memories have good AND bad. It’s what makes them real and raw. When we only want to focus on one side, we will easily see a pluthera of that light or darkness. We have to be careful.

2.) For this stage of life, living with my sister and her family is really awesome. I’m so grateful!

3.) Too Faced make up is cruelty free. It’s my favorite… HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS???

4.) Just because a movie is a Sundance Winner, (The VVitch) does not make it a great movie. Well done, yes. Interesting inspiration? Sure. Entertaining, moving, or anything else a great film should be? No.

5.) Cafe Zupas is the best lunch out. Ever. In all the world…

6.) We ALL stumble. We ALL fall. We ALL have our strengths, our weaknesses, our inspirations, motivations, etc… It’s up to us how we use them, or whether we wallow in our failures or rise in our strengths. We all need self-discipline, and we will all struggle. No one is exempt and one persons struggle is no worse than another’s.

7.) Having CONNECT as my word of the year was a fitting, is terrifying and it’s only February!

8.) There are best friends, then there are best friends, but best of all there are BEST friends…

9.) Forgiveness is less about forgetting someone’s trespass, and more about choosing to not nestle into resenting it, and moving forward while learning what you can.

10.) Feelings are a choice. NO ONE can hurt your feelings unless you choose for them to. Empowering stuff…

Bonus: 11.) the twix bar on the right is the best…

 

Only the lonely…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

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At my husband’s request, I took down my last two blog posts. While they were not meant to reflect him in a negative light, and I was coming from the place of emotional exhaustion and honesty, he felt they painted him badly…

The irony of all of that is not lost on me, I promise.

I’m stuck in such an uncomfortable place where my feeling don’t matter. Where I’m not meant to be considered. Where maybe the other person didn’t intentionally mean to hurt me so it shouldn’t matter, and where I am tired, convicted and crucified every single time.

I read the other day that I probably didn’t have depression last summer/fall, but instead suffered from loneliness. The entire chapter about this rang so true that I had to sit afterwards and admit that this was entirely possible.

Life is funny. I find myself looking at photos of kayaking, skydiving and all around adventuring and my soul literally yearns to take off on an adventure. I was supposed to be away for the weekend, feet dipping in the icy ocean simply so my soul could exhale and then reset itself, but that didn’t work out and now I honestly feel restless. I long to go, to do something significant. I’m itching to engage with nature. In reality, I’d likely be mauled by a bear and drown in the ocean, so it’s probably better I stay here and engage in the daily practice of feeling like an alien in a land I recognize but do not belong…

Tomorrow is Lent. Every year I give up three things that somehow help me engage with my WofY. {reminder: my word for 2016 is connect.} Every other year, giving up Facebook somehow seems to fit right in with my word. Whenever I’ve done it in the past, it’s fallen over my birthday and so I missed all the birthday love. This year Lent will end the day BEFORE my birthday… So that’s ironically fitting. :) So it’s Facebook, soda (because without intending to, I’ve found I am partaking in fountain soda much more regularly than I wanted) and sleeping past 6 in the morning. If nothing else, I guess I’ll be sleeping through my entire birthday, which is fine by me. I hate them anyway, and this year is bound to take the cake on horrible birthdays… I’m also vowing, this year, to do three things every day, for those 40 days: pray intentionally for my husband and our marriage, do something intentionally selfless, generous and kind for someone else, write for one hour (non-blogging or freelance) every day. If that day’s schedule means I have to wake up at 4:30 to fit it in, I guess that’s what I’ll have to do. I also want to have one real adventure and learn one new thing… Lofty, I know.

We have today, and that’s it. I KNOW I am supposed to make the most of it, but quite often I don’t pay attention to how significant the gift is… It’s a real gift. It’s the best gift, and I don’t want to be that girl on the couch wasting it, because I might emotionally feel like being that girl. I’ll regret it if I go through my life doing what I feel like, because these days what I feel like isn’t going to lead anywhere good…

Wish me luck on my intentional Lent, and journeying boldly and bravely through the 40 day countdown to my 40th birthday, or better yet- join me. :)

The last day…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

 

I’d had a plan to leave my husband, in spring. It had been a homework challenge, with counseling. Then it became a “what other choice do I have, if he doesn’t want me?” sort of option, which evolved into an “I want this to happen.” sort of scheme. I had set my deadline so far away because I honestly believed he would step up and proclaim a fight for us. Everyone who really knew me realized this. I just couldn’t utter those words myself because the rejection of the one person who truly, deeply knew me was already destroying me. Once I spoke those words into the world, they were real and if he didn’t, I felt like it would be the death of me.

The last afternoon, before life truly fell apart (and seven days before I no longer had a home or a family) my husband and I had a great afternoon together. We had connected more in the former 15 days than we had in months and I felt filled with hope. I had been out-of-town for a couple of days and I’d missed him so much. I told him as much, when I returned. We went for coffee, shopped a little and sat talking for a long while. It was the sort of conversation filled with laughter, memories, dreams and a thousand other veins of talk that only could be truly made sense of by us- the livers of the life we were in. As the sunlight streamed through the windows of that second floor room where we sat, I felt so overcome with how grateful I was for my life, how deeply I loved that man and how desperately I wanted our marriage to last.

I fell asleep snuggled deep into him, inhaling him and just forcing myself to live in that moment. I had no idea what tomorrow held…

With a fierce punch to the heart, also known as disastrous hind sight, I was smacked with all of this today as I sat for a minute looking back on my Instagram stream. There on that day, in that room, was my daily photo. Because, as we were walking out I knew I’d want to remember it forever. Forever I will…

It’s so hard, with the magic of hindsight-vision, to not simply hate yourself for what you threw away. Regardless of the hows, the whys or the other factors- I had my own responsibility in the situation. While it’s true, I felt (by that time) that I had no choice in the way it all played out- I now see differently. So today, tear-stained and feeling so rebroken, I have to hold on to the memories to soothe the ache, and keep moving forward.

Be grateful and glad in all things, and when all else fails… rant?

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

tvA long time ago I truly grasped the lesson & importance of being grateful and glad in all things… Then something got lost, along my journey. I sunk deep into a terrifying depression, which I couldn’t truly understand while drowning in it, but strangely and intricately do now. Within that depression, a great many things changed. I had lost, along the way, the importance of being grateful and glad in all things. Truthfully, I felt like I was barely surviving. My perspective of all things, from my parenting to my marriage, my education to my skills and talents, was all seen through a filter so far from reality. In the end of that chapter, I partook in a very time sensitive decision, going in a direction where I believed I would actually be needed, valued and wanted. The truth, outside of that sludgy despair however is that I was far too emotionally sick to really know what any of that looked like. Depression is a beast… Sometimes it can lay at bay, on the surface, and it feels like you’re out of the sea. That’s the best I can explain it.

I wonder what would have looked different if I’d been able to hold on to my sense of being grateful and glad in all things? In all things would mean in the sea of depression or other illnesses as well. In isolation from the very people you live with and love. In abandonment from relationships which fed your life. In the joy and celebration that comes with great blessings… In all things.

I lost this sense. My sense. And over the past many days I’ve been reminded and validated upon the path of reclaiming it. I am someone who needs relationship with people. This is not a character defect. This is not a deep, emotional flaw. This is how I am designed. I am crafted to thrive on connection with others. Our society promotes surface connections, declaring that true friendship is talks of sex, meeting for drinks and Facebook collections. None of these are friendship. Sure, friends CAN talk about sex, share a drink and be connected on social media, but when one, two or all three of these things make up the bulk of your “support system”, there is no support. We have a need to be entertained in all things, and have had this need for independence shoved down our throats. There is this weird parasite in our thoughts that we mustn’t allow ourselves to be too vulnerable, too needy, too dependent upon someone else. What is wrong with us? And we can go through a season in our lives when we form a real, true and deep connection with someone but that tapeworm of ridiculous garbage will live again and try to destroy it. While I suspect we all have the same need, but different life circumstances have left us scarred and unable to heal it, I at least know for sure that I do have this need. In the core of connecting with others, conversation and interactions I thrive. Without that, in any form of isolation, I wither. I can be grateful and glad in all things… In all times. In all seasons. That is my choice, and one I must make and work to retain. Whether it is times of togetherness or isolation. But the intentional connection thing is something I am going to have to be sure to do, as well. In all things… It is the cure to my depression, the cure to that childhood lie stitched upon my soul that I am unloveable. We were created for community, and within a community I must live…

I was already thinking these things, relearning and newly realizing these things, and at this very place in my journey when my pastor, Sunday, spoke on this very idea. I can’t take credit for it at all, as I am merely recycling other people’s wisdom with my own commentary. One thing he said Sunday which hasn’t left the forefront of my brain since then was that a study conducted in 1984 polled people to see how many close friends they had. The average number among the majority was 3. The same poll was taken within the last year or two and the majority answered 0. ZERO. NONE. The majority of people have no one whom they can trust, confide in, rely on… And the very best part of friendship is also being trusted by someone, listening to someone and knowing you are reliable. What has changed in those 22 years? The internet, the mass web of social media, the rise and growth of video games and our 700 television channels waiting for us. Beyond technology, not much has changed. This is sad to me. There was a time when lunch with friends, long distance phone calls and actually, truly knowing someone, were normal. Now, they are occasional treats. We say we are busy, but we aren’t. We are programmed to be “busy” with tv shows, video games and our cell phone obsessions. I remember paying steep long distance bills and buying phone cards to talk to friends for hours. Now? Now I could go a week without a single conversation and NO ONE PAYS LONG DISTANCE anymore!

This totally turned into a rant, which wasn’t my intention… Be grateful and glad in all things… I am grateful to realize this, and glad to know that this epidemic is easily solvable. It just takes altering our priorities and intentionally connecting with someone. Engage in a conversation, get together over a cup of coffee or dinner and talk. Listen. Love. It’s easier than we think. Maybe not as easy as turning on the tv or gazing at our iPhones, but it is so much more rewarding… We idolize our electronics, but the truth is that they don’t give a damn about is.

For H…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments

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I’m going to post a little bit about my roommate, and there’s a pretty good reason…

I share an apartment, as platonically as humanly possible, with my high school best friend Will. I’ve mentioned before that I lived in a group home, as a teen. Will was there with me, consistently, for what felt like a life time. Because of that, the duress of our situation and similar abandonment issues as children, we developed a fairly strong connection. We were never involved beyond  this deep way.

Awhile back Will came to me, via the world wide web, with a confession about the negative direction his life had turned. I was in an ultra crappy place in my own life, and though desperately wanting to sustain my marriage, knew I had to help him. This guy was the epitome of my “roots”. I warned him as he came, broken, into my home that I wasn’t sure how long my marriage would be standing…

Will has an ex-girlfriend that I have a bit of a negative history with… And she’s apparently started reading my blog. She’s even used parts of it as ammunition towards him. I’m going to take a minute to talk to her…

H,

There was a time, several years back, when I genuinely wanted to be your friend. You couldn’t see past your jealousy to recognize that I was devoted to my husband and as much as I valued Will as my lifelong friend, I had fully expected to value you the same. I tried explaining that to you, then. I even attempted, again several months later, to look past the horrible way you had treated me because I truly valued the both of you. I BELIEVE in relationships. I value them. While he may have given you many reasons not to trust him, I could have given you a hundred references to affirm to you that I would never tear your relationship apart or hurt you.

Though it’s hard to imagine right now, Chw and I had a great marriage. Circumstances have a way of changing things. At that time we often helped couples save their marriages and turn from divorce. I was proud of that. Our marriage had survived a lot. I’d go so far as to say, if you could have gotten over your resentment and jealousy enough to connect with us- your relationship with Will might even be different today. Not just because of us, but because of you.

Again, I could have a hundred different people affirm this to you, but your ex did not destroy my marriage. He had no part in it, whatsoever. He stood by, in the sidelines, while my marriage silently fell apart. He was a great friend to me when I really needed someone, and he became a friend to my husband. My daughters, who are 16 & 25, adore him. None of those things would be the case if he had been the reason for such things.

We are NOT together, in that way, now either. I am not, was not, nor will I ever be a cheating whore. While I’m not sure what will happen with my marriage, I do know that even if we divorce, I will never be with someone else. Not even Will. I have no desire to be with anyone but my husband.

H, I understand so well how hard it is to spend your life (the best years of your life) with someone, only for them to walk away. I understand how unhealthy cycles, patterns and cheating can all affect your views on everything. I truly wish you’d had a little faith and taken a chance to be my friend, then, instead of just hating me. Even if the two of you still hadn’t worked out, this whole situation would look completely different now. We are made, by God, with a need for community. We NEED friendships… I can honestly say that I am a really great friend, and you really missed out because i would have been a KICK ASS friend to you. Will is a great guy who is working so hard at becoming a better one. Sure, I might get frustrated with him but I won’t ever tear him apart because of that. I’m sure you are an equally great person, but unfortunately you’ve never let me see that side of you.

Ironically, even after he was in Michigan, Will was trying to convince me to reach out to you. He knew you loved him and cared about his recovery and growth and he was convinced that you would be happy that I was helping him. He also believed you really needed a good friend who would really love you for you. Obviously, he was wrong, BUT I tell you this so you know and understand the kind of faith he had in you. I don’t care if you read my blog, or stalk my Instagram feed or talk crap about the cheating whore you believe I am. Do you know what you deserve? You DESERVE a life filled with peace, confidence and love. One where you feel value, and worth because you have both. These things will never come if you continue to be so focussed on negativity. It’s a hard pattern to break, but dear girl, YOU are worth it, for you. One day your kids will have major accomplishments, children of their own or something else that will cause you both to be there supporting and loving them. Maybe your journey TOGETHER isn’t meant to be right now, but you still owe it to yourself to support him and build an amicable relationship  for the sake of not only your children but for yourself. To know you rose above and did that… I’m super hurt by my husband right now, but I would never tear him down to my children. I won’t even tear him down to him. Or Will, for that matter. Will knows that I believe Chw is a really great guy. When we love someone and share a portion of our lives with them, we need to try and see the best in them always, otherwise it will eat at us and tear us apart. We need to learn from our mistakes and try better… You have 4 reasons to try really hard to rise above, but the most important one is you. Don’t waste your life on resentment and bitterness, you deserve a much more beautiful life than that.

Again, I wish we could have been friends because I would have made sure to remind you of your worth and value every time you doubted it.

<3.

M