Category: journey

I hate lies. 

I really do. 

I hate when my kids lie to me. I hate that my 13 year old lied to me, just yesterday, about not having broken into the freezer to binge on healthy choice ice cream bars. She lied when we found wrappers in the top of her closet, and in the trashcan in her bathroom. She lied when we found uneaten and melting bars hidden in other locations and then, in a last ditch effort, she decided to scream “I hid them because I felt really bad and was going to put them back, are you happy now?!?!”

Now, in that instance, we knew she was still lying because she’s used “that excuse” about a dozen times, in the past few months, when she’s been caught with something stolen. 

I hate lies. 

The “friend” I have, who lies to me weekly about the stupidest things, (like where she spent a day, or other dumb circumstances I don’t care about anyway.) is about to reach my limit. I’ve been the butt of that juvenille game before and don’t care to be again. 

My little sister lies to me all of the time. In fact, though I love her dearly, i have all but stopped talking to her on the phone and refuse to see her without really solid boundaries because she lies incessantly and I just can’t tolerate the drama associated with it. 

Each of these instances suck. They suck a lot. 

But they are not as bad as a lie can get. 

A dear, lovely person recently miscarried twins. She’s had several other miscarriages so, although it’s a huge loss and incredibly tragic, it is made just a bit worse by the fact that it’s happened before. I have been there, with the several tragic miscarriages and i have been there with the miscarried loss of twins. Those moments are etched in my memory deeper than any other. Those moments were the darkest, most lonely and utterly hopeless moments of my life. 

Second would the explanations… 

The telling people, when you are exhausted of the topic and one more well meaning soul runs into you, in the super market, and they ask you “How is the baby?” 

That’s right, the last time you saw her, you told her you were nineteen weeks pregnant. 

It never ends. 

If it isn’t that scenario, it’s the getting to know someone new and them asking when you plan to have children, or worst yet, why you don’t have kids. 

My beautiful and recently broken friend was stuck in a place. She was stuck because they had shared the ultrasound photos and news on facebook, and with friends and family. People knew. 

Everyone knew. 

And then the babies were gone, and having been in that wicked and lonely place before, she knew the things that come spewing out of the mouths of well meaning people… 

I know you you feel, when I lost my ___________. 

And there are other things said too, from less well meaning people. The sad truth is though, the intention (whether good or bad) does not cushion the blow. And furthermore, even if it’s a fact (such as “you are still young”,) the only reason anyone opens their mouth to say anything is BECAUSE THEY ARE TRYING TO MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL BETTER. 

there, I’ve said it. 

It’s selfish. We’ve all been there, we’ve all done it. I’ve done it too. I have been caught in that awkward place where my devastated friend suddenly sat a widow, and I was at a complete loss about how to love her and relate to her- then suddenly, to make myself feel less odd, stupid things like that began to poor from my mouth. 

Those lies, the ones that tell an empty mother her baby wasn’t meant to be, or that she’s better off, or that it’s a secret blessing- those lies are the worst. They never leave. They echo inside one’s head every time that the ugly little voice of self whispers what an awful woman you are because you can’t have a baby. They leach themselves to your inner bully when it’s manipulating you into believe you weren’t meant to be a mother and your baby is better off dead than with you. 

Harsh, I know. 

Maybe we should all decide together that, when we find ourselves in the awkward position of a grieving loved one (and it will happen, and likely sooner rather than later), we give them a hug (if they want it) and then do something that really does help everyone… Babysit their kids, or better yet, come over to play with their kids and spend time with the friend. Clean their house; make them dinner and then eat it WITH them. Get them out of the house for a walk. Give them reasons to feel worthy of slivers of joy filled moments. Educate yourself on the cycles of grief and love them through them. 

By all means, don’t become the friend who lies about your whereabouts because you just don’t want to be there. Don’t offer to help or love them, and then disappear. 

And lastly, should they (or your kid) decide to binge on a 24 count box of ice cream bars- remember you will laugh about it later, because you are both alive and present and that is pretty great truth.

Like us, our neighbors opted to not put up outside Christmas lights. They aren’t quite as outside-unfestive as we are though, as they have a huge light-up wreath on the front of their house. From dinner time to bedtime their wreath shines a beautiful blue-bright. It’s the sort of pretty that makes Christmas songs instantly pop into one’s head. 

I like that kind of pretty. 

During the day though, when the sun shines bright, and Christmas lights are (or at least should be) unplugged, our neighbor’s wreath has a fat, ugly cord that stretches from it’s circle, across the siding, and lands near the plug. 

Truth be told, it’s kind of tacky looking. (And the very reason my husband can’t seem to get me to agree to mount our television, even though we already have the bracket… but that’s a whole other story.) 

I got to thinking about how incredibly human AND society Christmas like that actually is. 

We stretch ourselves thin, skip utility bill payments and charge hundreds (if not thousands) of dollars worth of excess stuff- and love how beautiful it looks, shiny and bow-clad under our trimmed evergreens- but in the cold, harsh light of January we begin the year with ugly, tacky guilt. 

Is it worth it? 

I don’t know. While I really like their wreath in the evening, when the cold light of day brings that cord back into sight- I just want to draw my curtains tight and imagine a lovely landscape on the other side. 

Is it too much to ask that we have the gorgeous wreath AND no chord? 

No. It’s called batteries and/or running the wires through the wall. 

It can be done. It just takes some effort. Some time. Some planning. Maybe some research… 

 If you think I am bagging the whole “big, elaborate Christmas” thing, I am totally not. Just the whole idea that we have to wear ourselves thin and go into excessive amounts of debt for stuff. I don’t like it. I’ve been there. I have lived the life of shame that the fat ugly cord lives everyday. We’ve done it. Our family does not do that anymore, and honestly the reason was that sick, guilty feeling I felt when the bills rolled in. Christmas may have been fun, but I don’t want to spend most of the next year recovering from a holiday that should be about love, life, family, gratitude and generosity… 

I have had a few instances in the past few weeks where someone has learned something about me and remarks “really? I NEVER knew that about you!”, or something similar… 

I also, (no joke) got an email from an in-real-life-friend about a concert they thought I would like to go to because “____________ said you love them and always see them when you have the chance.” It was most definitely NOT true. 

It seemed a fine time for a random fact share. 

1} I feel as though I mentioned this before, here, but this was one of the “things”, so here goes… I LOVE made for tv Christmas movies. Granted, I am the world’s toughest critic on mainstream films, but when it comes to Christmas movies- The more made for TV, the better. {Person who did not know this: My husband Chw himself!}

2} I aspire to be an amazing cupcake baker. I have romanticized the idea for so long, (without actually baking any cupcakes) that it will likely be a HUGE disaster when I do. At least I know I can make some darn good muffins… 

3} I wish I sewed. I have everything (EVERYTHING) I could need to sew beautiful things. I lack sewing confidence. (And cupcake confidence apparently!) 

4} The absolute best thing that could happen in my day, (any day) is personal mail. There is nothing that speaks love to me more than opening an envelope to a handwritten letter or card. 

5} My favorite game, in the whole entire world, is Bingo. Since I was single digits in age. I LOVE Bingo! I wanted to grow up and go to Thursday night Bingo like my grandma did. I never get to play bingo, so I have a game on my phone. I literally count the hours (24 to be exact) until my credits renew and I can play a few games again. I LOVE bingo!

6} I LOVE Thai rice. 

7} I used to be 50 times craftier than I am now. i don’t know if it’s laziness, or emotional exhaustion, but the idea of doing something* crafty makes me feel wiped out. (Or sewing, or baking cupcakes) This is making a very small, handmade Christmas a challenge. Ironically, in 2008 we had a 100% handmade Christmas for twenty people more than this year, and it went really well. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

8} I can’t boil eggs. There. I’ve said it. Yes, I am embarrassed. 

9} I NEED to have my toe nails painted (even if it’s chipping, but i’d rather it not be.) but can’t stand anything other than clear polish on my finger nails. 

10} I love wine. I say I love wine, but in reality I probably like 1% of the wines I have tried. Now, that 1% I REALLY love though. 

11} I can’t stand movie theater popcorn. That being said, I love the popcorn my mom Julie made. It was awesome even several days later. (that’s probably what ruined me!) I also like Target’s popcorn, though I never get it. Best of all though, is my husband’s popcorn. I COULD (but don’t) eat it every single day! 

12} Some of my favorite movies are really awful, low budget, critically booed movies. {A few examples are: Surviving Christmas with Ben Affleck and Christina Applegate, and Grease 2}

13} I also really love Vignette movies like New York, I love you, New Years Eve, What to Expect when You’re Expecting, and Valentines Day.  

14} I love birds. In life, in photograph, embellished on home decor. 

15} think laughter is the greatest tool we have, in the whole world.