journey – Page 69

in twenty-seven days…

Published on February 27, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments

In my year of New, I’ve been learning so much about myself and embracing the life that I have. It seems ironic really, to focus on New and through that you embrace the Old. ha! Anyhow…

I’m growing up, which is a good thing I guess, since I’m weeks away from turning thirty-eight. That’s just a number really, it doesn’t mean much to me. Once, a long time ago, I thought it would. I was sure that I would one day look have a meltdown if I wasn’t my thinnest, prettiest, smartest and most successful version of self by the time I turned 30. {then of course it was 31, then 32, 33… 34… 35… You get the picture.} But really, age is just a number. I’ve known twenty-five year olds who are so mature they put most forty-year olds to shame, and twenty-five year olds who make my 3-year-old niece seem like a braniac with a stable plan. Age is just a number, like a belt size is just a number… We put too much stock in numbers.

My husband is those same weeks, plus forty days, away from turning forty. Unfortunately for him, he does NOT have the same outlook that I have regarding age, numbers, etc. You see, I’m lucky in that I had my emotional life crisis/breakdown the year I turned twenty-five. My poor guy hasn’t had his yet, and he keeps hinting that this birthday might be his downfall.

I made a rather detailed list (with sub-lists, who have sub-sub-lists with post scripts of their very own) of goals for 2014. I wanted to be goal oriented and intentional. So far, so ok. A bit above mediocre, really, but thankfully on my list is also Be Graceful with Self, so I’m on tip-top shape there. {If you’d like to see my progress, it’s here: January}

This is my list of goal progress, new things, or out of the normal bits for me and my life in February…

– I’ve stopped baking artisan bread weekly. I’m not a baker. I kind of wish I were because I’m in love with the idea of baking, and the way baking makes a home smell and feel.* {The * is to point out that I do not like the way the process/act of baking makes me feel… Maybe I need to perfect this more. I don’t know.}

– We bought a treadmill DIRT CHEAP. (Mostly because the husband is a runner and we’re stuck in a seemingly permanent state of Polar Vortex hell.) I’ve really grown to love it more than I expect, though my knee isn’t quite a fan yet.

– Playing the Cello has been a lifelong dream of mine and I actually took a leap and enquired about lessons. I’ve gotten a quote for rentals and the lessons, all of which are fairly doable, a few months down the road, I’d say.

– I’ve been a lover of tea for ages. I’ve had every box or type of tea ever given to me (even cheap, crappy teas) because, hell0- its tea! I wasn’t ever drinking it though, and had to be honest that it was silly to hold on to the clutter and waste of it. Though it pained me (a bit less than I’d expected), I cleaned out my tea jars, tins, tubs and boxes. It’s MUCH simpler now and my home only has teas that I love.

– Gift giving is my love language. It’s how I express (and receive) love. Rewind 7-10 years ago, I bought gifts (and too many) for everyone. Today, I’m much more intentional about the gift, and very selective about the recipient. HOWEVER, it recently occurred to me that it REALLY bothers me if I’ve given a gift to someone and they never acknowledge it. I realized that there have been times that I’ve excused this completely self-centered and rude behavior but was finally honest with myself that, no- I cannot accept that sort of treatment. So no more. Love language or not. I’m done giving gifts to people unless they are a part of my inner circle.

– I’m totally a morning person now. NEVER saw this coming. It did. Miracles happen. *Insert cheesy cliché’ here.*

– I’ve begun wearing a Fit Bit Flex and i LOVE it… LOVE it! I’ve had a few friends join me in FB Flexing and i love that too…

– For our intentional date challenge we did date #2 Fondue night out (super fun!), #3 we snuck out, complete spontaneity to grab soup and a coffee and see a movie we’d already seen, just so we could talk more about it. While we aren’t new to soup, coffee or rewatching movies, the spontaneity and doing it just so we could talk more in-depth about it was a little new to us, so it counted! and #4 went to a local mechanical museum (for vintage arcade games and displays. A little creepy, but my engineer husband LOVED it) and went to an Indian restaurant where we had one of the best meals we’ve eaten in the past eleven months, hands down! (We had some catching up to do after his January time in Australia!)

– I did begin attending the women’s group I mentioned at our church, and I love it. I’ve met some really fantastic women.

– I do not love Valentines Day, at all. I do, however, deeply love my husband. I decided to give him 14 days of (mostly) cheesy/silly gifts leading up to Valentines Day in an effort to really help him feel loved and cared for. It can be hard when you work hard or have to travel sometimes, and I just felt like he needed to know. I don’t know who had more fun, (but again, my love language is gifts so… and his is not, but he still loved it.)

– I’ve started oil pulling, in the mornings. My gag reflex hates me, for the first few seconds, but honestly the results have made me a believer. I’m hooked.

All things considered, it was pretty successful month of NEW… Now March is my birthday month, and I always try to have fairly intentional birthday Months anyway, so I’m excited to see how it pans out. (Hoping we have some warm temps and melted snow… those are pretty NEW ideas…)

Did you learn, do or try anything new this month?

The Whispers…

Published on February 17, 2014February 15, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay5 Comments

Last week I was in two separate social settings where someone mentioned similar ideas: If you could only have today, those things which you were grateful for yesterday, what would you have? Ouch. I’m sure it’s a brilliant quote by someone, but I don’t know it. I’m sorry.

And you would think, since I had just heard it a couple of days before, that the second time around I would be owning it a bit more and feeling a tad less wounded, but sadly that wasn’t the case. Since, however, I’ve thought of little else.

Here’s the reality, up until those two instances, I figured myself a fairly grateful person. I keep my One Thousand Gifts journal, I try to take care of the things I have and not covet or wish for the things I don’t. I try to be mindfully appreciative of people, things, gestures and moments. All in all, though I’m imperfect and flawed (naturally) I figured myself not a complete imbecile in the gratitude realm of things.

Well, you know the rest of that story. Ouch. Twice… Because apparently I’m a slow learner.

Since my word for the year is NEW however, I’m thinking maybe it’s time I approach gratitude and being grateful for things in my life from a new angle. Perhaps I stop looking for the fireworks and listening for the thunder, and instead I start looking for the tiny, often invisible bits, while listening for the whispers…

While I’d love to share a grateful list here that included things like “the mortgage we really needed came through” or “that her cancer was cured”, but my life is composed of an infinity of smaller moments that aren’t as explosive in sides, but could be in relevance. These are no less miracles, no less blessings, their volume is just turned down.

The handmade Valentine left on my desk.

homemade peanut butter ice cream.

drips of melted snow, from the deck.

four days of vibrant blue skies.

the fragrance of fresh roses that fill my home.

My husband’s eyes and how they light up when he’s surprised and feels loved.

laughing at a bad movie.

planning birthdays.

real mail amidst the junk mail.

fresh strawberries.

every time he holds my hand.

And sometimes, sometimes they may not look like gifts at first…

the angry words written.

the denied insurance claim.

the unexpected business trip.

the diagnosis.

the truth that you just don’t want to hear.

the frustrating words spoken with someone who should be among your most beloved but you just feel like you cannot do it anymore.

There are times when the baddest, darkest and worst moments in our lives can lead us to paths and moments that will become miracles and joys. As my sweet friend Stephanie inadvertently pointed out, this past weekend, “Sometimes you have to give up on people. Everyone in your life is meant to be there, but it doesn’t mean they’re meant to stay.” And that may not feel like blessing to some, but for me it was. For me, where I was last week, I need that reminder that it’s ok to let myself off the hook. That sometimes people push themselves into a corner and we have no choice but to let them go and there’s nothing wrong with that, and for me, that is both a whisper and a firework.

My eyes, ears and heart are open, and I’m paying attention. It is never too late.

Today it’s-

Pancakes and coffee

lip glass

a great talk with a friend

uninterrupted time to write

ice packs

overhearing sweet conversations

puppy snuggles

What are your whispers?

A conversation…

Published on February 15, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments

Last year, when we learned we were moving to Michigan, our youngest (who was 13 at the time) had just been cast in two theater productions with two theater companies. One was a role in The Secret Garden, which she worked really hard for, and the other was in a play that she was really excited about. We homeschooled so it wasn’t going to be too difficult to juggle the heavy rehearsal schedules. She had been consistently in theater, drama or some small film work since the spring of 2009 and so she was ready for the challenge of two parts.

Gen was devastated equally, to leave both parts. We moved quickly, so there was no way around it. She was heart-broken. And while we were VERY familiar with the way the theater “circuit” for youth worked in Idaho, here it’s completely different. We took time to adjust, which came with struggles. We decided, as a family, that since she would be going to a high school, she would need to take the rest of the year off from pursuing any acting because we knew that with high school would come a whole new set of challenges.

We made it through the first semester mostly unscathed and there is a local youth production that she showed interest in wanting to audition for. While we were discussing this, with her, and the restraints on her schedule should she be cast, the following conversation ensued…

G- here’s the thing though, as much as I love the theater, when I’m 18, I don’t want to be a stage actor. I’m going straight into movies.

M- blink blink.

G- and so I’m not really stressing out over whether I get roles or not because they won’t get me to my goals.

M- right, well, here’s the thing Gen. While I hear what you are saying, if you were to look at a lot of film stars, many of them also do stage work and most of them will have done a lot of stage work to start out with, when they were young.

G- right, but here’s the thing though, I want to act in film.

M- so you’ve said.

G- and you won’t let me go to New York now and do that.

M- well, in all fairness, New York isn’t exactly where you would go to break into film. You would go to Hollywood.

G- well, who are all of the actors in New York than? (said with so much snark)

M- stage actors, Gen.

G- blink, blink.

M- blink, blink, blink.

G- So, can I go to California and audition.

M- um, no.

G- I’ll go when I’m 18.

M- ok, then go when you are 18. In the meantime, I encourage you to pursue the things you love to do and work hard on your education. If you love to act, then do that. If you love to skip, then do that. If you love to pick your nose and eat it, then I guess do that too, but please not in front of other people.

G- giggle.

M- seriously, the world looks different at fourteen than it does at 18. and I’m sure it’s confusing when you see people your age or younger in movies and on tv and you think “i could do that” or “that could be me”, but it’s not that simple.

G- but you don’t know that.

M- yes, Gen, I do. There is a vast amount of things that I do NOT know, but of this I am certain. Please, please trust me.

G- Can I audition for this musical anyway, even though I have no future in stage acting because I’m going to go to California and be a big movie star?

M- sure.

Man! It’s a crazy hard line to realize your kids are ridiculously naive and that their “dreams” aren’t just sweet little “dreams” anymore, but that they actually believe this is what will happen. Especially when the Hollywood we know (assuming she ever even MADE it to that point without completely losing herself in the “you aren’t pretty enoughs”, “you aren’t thin enoughs”, “you aren’t _______ enoughs” before ever being hired.) has people dying at a sadly common rate of drug overdoses… When she was 8 she wanted to play Elphaba on stage one day and I thought that was a beautiful and sweet dream… But now that she wants to be in an industry I freelance for, and both loathe and love.

I am not ready…

Thus far…

Published on February 4, 2014February 15, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

If you read here with any regularity, you’ll know that my Word for 2014 is NEW.

While there are many big changes happening personally, in my life, that will bring about newness, I really felt like NEW was very much the word my year needed. I am personally stuck, feet ground deep, in so many stubborn ways and for no good reasons other than complacency or fear. We relocated last year and that coupled with the fact that I’m really fighting against the adaptation of establishing NEW friendships, NEW routines, NEW traditions… It’s been a really hard transition for me. I finally found myself willing to admit that it was high time I embraced the new, and with that, looked for new…

So, along with the absolutely everything thats New for us- (I loved our brand of milk, and our brand of bread, and our brand of bacon, and our regular market… if you are a creature of habit like me, I’m sure you get it.) I’ve vowed to myself to make two-thousand and fourteen the year of trying new things. Seeking out the new places, even when they are inconvenient… Reading the genres of books that I likely may not have picked up before… trying New traditions, embracing new habits and trying my hand at new ideas…

With that being said, here’s a brief list of what was NEW in January…

– I read a mystery book. (the Secret Keeper by Kate Morton)

– I joined a gym.

– I am practicing yoga regularly.

– I (well, we) joined a Date My Spouse Challenge, challenging ourselves to 25 INTENTIONAL dates in 2014. {Read about it here.}

{1.) Chw and I got tickets to the Sundance Film Festival USA experience in Ann Arbor where we saw the independent film Infinitely Polar Bear and did a Q & A with the writer and an actor. This was something we’d never done before AND an intentional date for us as it gave us a lot of good discussion time both before, and after the film. We had a lot of fun!}

– I started an online Writer’s Group that I’m really excited about.

– I joined a Jane Austen book club. (I already have an IRL book club, and the idea of a Jane Austen one feels way over my head, but I did it anyway!)

– I started taking an afternoon a week, out of the house, that is devoted just to writing exercises and correspondence.

– I took my youngest to a hotel for some quality away time together. (You can read about our adventure here.)

– I’ve stopped turning the tv on, simply because it’s evening.

– I’ve begun reading classic Children’s literature.

– I’ve started baking artisan bread weekly.

– I’m devoting time every week to listen to new-to-me music. {Do you have something you’d like to suggest?}

– I started going to bed earlier (something VERY new to me, minus the one night I stayed up until 2:30 reading the Secret Keeper)

– Not deliberately, I tried a new hair care/body product line that I fell in love with. It’s quite heavenly… (though it’s Crabtree & Evelyn so my budget isn’t quite as enamored as I am.)

– I purchased a series of containers that make it easier for Genny to take hot lunches to school and never have to use the microwave.

– I’m trying not to use the microwave. (this is new for me.)

– I’m having afternoon tea and discussion/devotion time with Genny every weekday afternoon. This is new for us and so far, it’s pretty nice.