Category: journey

adding fuel to the flame…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay

Have I forgotten what fire feels like? I mean, not real flames of fire, but the heart kind… the inside. The sort of fire attached to cliche sentiments like “pursue what sets your soul on fire”. That sort of fire, not to be confused with the harsh moments of life which feel as though they’ve burned my inner core to the ground.

What does set my soul on fire? For so long it was writing, and I think in comfortable ways it still is. Writing is that thing I need to always remain tethered to, or I simply cease to function well. Do you know what else impairs my ability to function well? Not being creative. The less I’m trying to be artistic (and listen, try as I might, I don’t do well, but I simply don’t care about that. It is the doing that is healing and life-giving, not the perfection!) the less I want to tackle the nurturing, daily bits of life…

the things that encourage me to

  • wash my face every evening.
  • go to bed when my body and mind tell me it’s time.
  • pick up a book to read instead of a remote to watch.
  • stop doom scrolling.

Attempting creativity on a regular basis corrects all of this. It insures that when I do want to listen to music or watch something, it is of a higher quality and less fast-food, mass-made consumption.

It all seems like a no-brainer sort of problem, doesn’t it? And yet… And yet I struggle.

I’m trying, in this new month and second half of an otherwise difficult year, to do better–be better. I’m also trying to release expectations because I am a chronically ill person who struggles with occasional depression. I am forever planning things that old-me could do, and then being reminded IN THE ACTUAL MOMENT that mistakes were made and I’m not that girl anymore. It makes it hard, and to be honest I am feeling a stupid amount of anxiety over my trip home next month, paired with my book launch. There’s so much pressure, especially since I haven’t been there for three years and I am just so different now.

I want to harness the fire I once felt, the flames that fueled the making and doing… the fire that motivated that girl. In truth, I’m tired. Most of us are. These past few years have not been kind to us, and yet they’ve taught us to take note of the little moments that keep life beautiful. These thirty-eight months have educated me on the vitality of being more intentional and prioritizing connection, community, and kindness.

Perhaps the flames are still there, it’s just that now they are the slow, steady burn of a well-connected and creative life.

that pesky halfway mark…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay

Every time I sit down to contemplate the lessons a month held, things feel so much heavier than they did the month prior. I’m not loving that trend. While it is completely unrealistic, as we’re now halfway through this year of our Lord 2022, I’m going to hope this B:Side is gentler…

June was a month. A MONTH. I’m really showing my age when I say this statement, but it is once again so profoundly true: This month was an eternity long, but also how is it already the end of June???

Things I learned (or relearned) over the past thirty days:

  • I do actually enjoy going to the movies. Hear me out, anyone who has known me for any length of time has known me as a movie lover. Pre-Covid, going to the movies was something we did OFTEN. Sometimes more than once a week. When routines hit pause, we reevaluated and started to wonder if we still loved this activity. Even getting back into it, well over a year later, often felt uncomfortable. Today I can so I do enjoy it but as something special. Once or twice a month is more than enough for me. I don’t want to go if it’s not a movie that I am seriously excited to see.
  • We can disagree with people we love, about hot-topic issues, and still be respectful. I don’t love this “unfollow and block” mentality, it’s gross and dismissive. Have the hard conversations–show that respect. If you can’t come to a place where you each can exists in love and differences, then take that drastic step. We’ve all had different experiences, and we will majorly disagree with our people sometimes.
  • I’m REALLY glad So You Think You Can Dance is back. While I’m not a dancer, I am a veteran series watched and suspect I may be more articulately qualified to judge than Leah Remini is. (Fox, if you need a stand-in–CALL ME!)
  • Raccoons are jerks. Or at least the one raccoon (we suspect it was one) who slashed the screens of our sunroom to get in and eat the cat food is. How are we kicking off July? By attempting to repair the damage and raccoon-proof our favorite room that is currently out of commission.
  • Sometimes it is essential to take a mental health day, (even when you work for yourself at home) lay on the couch, and binge-watch something. The world will whisper this is a lazy thing to do, but listen… the world needs to mind its own business. Rest can look like a million different things and only YOU get to say what’s right for you.
  • Ice cream for dinner is acceptable. Period. I am prepared to die on this hill.
  • That the world was not ready for Kate Bush music when I was a kid like it is now. I’m here for this revival, though I was also here for it when I was nine.
  • Conservative Purity viewpoints are solely responsible for things like porn addiction. I’d go so far as to say this may be true for a large portion of assaults on women as well. I realized this will be a controversial viewpoint for many, but the reality is the objectification of women is driven from this hyperfixation.
  • Too much time in the summer heat can cause a fever for me. It seems silly, but I experienced it after the Lumineer’s concert that was a few weeks ago, in the middle of a heatwave, and again after attending PrideFest last weekend. BIZARRE… but also, learning these things about the way my chronic illness manifests itself empowers me to know how to act, plan, and what to expect later.
  • Finding creative ways to partner with small, women-owned businesses is my absolute favorite thing!

As we head into the second half of our year, may we love kindly, hold space for others, and treat ourselves gently…

XOXO,

M

shelved…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

In March of 2020, having oodles of newfound time on my hands, I approached my 44th birthday in a far different headspace than I had before. I had resolved, as we entered the new decade, that the year was going to be an extraordinary one for me. I sought out all sorts of symbolic things in the numbers (2s and 4s) and where specific dates fell in relation to the calendar.

While the year WAS extraordinarily significant for me, it was NOTHING like I had imagined.

Because I was celebrating my birthday by canceling a trip to NYC to see a musical I love, which was set to be in previews, I decided to focus on creativity. Specifically, why I had stopped being super creative, and how could I use the endless lock-down time to get it back. I created an ambitious list, which became a journey itself.

For one, some of those things– penned out of the pre-covid mindset– would no longer be things I’d want to do, and that’s ok.

As someone who fell in love with interior design and making spaces cozy and beautiful, at a very young age, I was sad to see that I’d reached a point where I just didn’t care about that anymore. Well, that’s not true… It wasn’t that I didn’t CARE as much as I was deeply homesick, operating on the BRINK of overwhelm/stress, and was often so frustrated with our tiny cottage and the lack of inspiration it seemed to hold. In an effort to combat that, one of the goals on my list became to redecorate the gallery ledges in our living room, every month for a year. The rules were that it had to be an intentional, low-cost change.

I never expected this idea to grow the way it did. Not only am I still doing the ledges over two years later, but this simple thing inspired lots of people to take space in their homes to do the same. It also fed my creativity, lessened my overwhelm, and I began to do small things here and there all over our home. Eventually, this led to us relandscaping our very jungly yard, and now the idea and project list are unending–which I personally love.

I created the Shelf Series (in my Etsy shop) as a fun and low-cost way to help others in this journey. One of my favorite things about this now habitual act is that it created an opportunity for me to connect with and support other print artists.

The journey over these past two+ years has been a rollercoaster one. So much division, so much hatred, so much tragedy… but out of this time has also come so much incredible creativity and so much growth. Wherever your life falls, in that spectrum, I hope that you’re able to find intentional and small ways to bring magic, healing, and creativity into your space.

XOXO,

M

What if…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay

So many years ago, (it’s hard to believe how many at this point) I was introduced to this growingly popular YA novel called Twilight. I wish that I’d heard it was about vampires and thought “yeah, that’s not for me” but the truth would have been (and still is) that vampires will always be up my alley. The super bizarre thing for me was honestly picking up a book to read at all, even when I had no clue what it was about. I hadn’t read for fun in years. I was testing non-fiction books for Harper Collins and blogging full-time. I was so far removed from the literary world that I had no idea what sort of fiction books existed beyond mysteries and Harlequin romance–neither of which had ever appealed to me.

After some intrigue at a few bloggers I followed raving about Twilight, I grabbed a copy. I didn’t sleep, or do much of anything, for two days. I couldn’t put it down. After reluctantly packing our family for vacation, I ran to the bookstore to purchase the second book of the (then) trilogy. While I hadn’t been much of a reader, at that point in my life, it is also important to note I had always suffered from car sickness. Even so, I read the second book, New Moon, as we drove throughout the mountainous Pacific Northwest. The Twilight world had sucked me in and I was unable to think of anything else. You’d think my family would have been annoyed, but they thought it was funny. They especially got a chuckle out of us having to detour our trip through Portland so that I could grab my copy of the newly released third book Eclipse.

It was somewhere into the first chapters of Eclipse that I found myself a passenger in a car with friends, as we navigated a mountainous road that was thick with heavy trees, at actual twilight. My mind began to wander at what was watching us, waiting, in the black line of those trees? I thought about the Quileute wolf legends existing in a heavily forested region with one of the highest “big foot” sightings… could it be?

Around this mountain side we traveled as the shadows chased the irrational wanderings of my mind.

~

Several years before, my first Christmas eve as an adoptive mom found me staring at our daughter as she slept sweetly. The magic of Christmas suddenly meant something completely new, and then out of nowhere panic plunged my insides toward the ground… What if Santa is real? What if this strange, magical being exists and comes sneaking through our home while we sleep?

What if?

What if…

Over the weekend my husband and I were inspired to have a Twilight movie marathon. It was so fun, and I was once again swept up in the memory of these life changing books… life changing because they inspired me to fall in love with reading again, and in doing so they inspired me to think deeper than the surface level I’d been handed–deeper than the very one-dimensional level I’d been writing at in my professional life.

The revisit, though thoroughly nostalgic and entertaining also made me think about that mountain drive, and that first Christmas eve. My mind began to think about fear. Then this morning I came across a news story about an asteroid sailing past earth and another report about the dangerous weather expected to kill many and render areas of the world disaster zones this summer. In even skimming each headline I felt that same fear pop its head in for a minute.

Fear.

We are living in a weird time when so many fear-motivated tragedies are happening on a daily basis. Instead of vampires and Christmas elves though, these fears are based in viruses, vaccinations, political powers, religion, sexuality, gender identity, skin tones, and on and on and on… any difference that divides us is connected to a fear-motivated tragedy that has taken place in recent days. The biggest difference between these fears and the fictional ones is it might just be a bit harder to call them irrational when the things we fear are really here. They aren’t possibly hiding in the shadows, but instead they are everywhere. Also everywhere are the printed and spoken stories about why we should fear them.

At the end of the day they are still stories. Whether it’s a fear of whats in the shadows, or a fear of something real in the world that you’ve been told is scary, we still have the opportunity to surrender to the boogeyman and let that fear control us. What if we didn’t?

What if we pushed past the fear and listened to someone outside of our normal scary-story-circle?

What if we tried to connect with someone else, something else?

What if we pushed past the usual sense of nausea we get from being a passenger in the car, and immersed ourselves in an experience so different than our normal, every day one?

What if?

but also…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay

Yesterday we spent some time in the dirt, though to be honest, this was more Chw than me. I got to assume the role of lovely assistant and it was so nice. The sun was glorious, our trees are finally admitting it’s Spring, and the birds were serenading us with magic.

Yesterday felt a bit like hope, which is a little odd considering yesterday was also Mother’s Day the “holiday” that most women of my generation struggle with and would push through the meatgrinder if we could… even so, out there in the sunshine and dirt (well, dirt adjacent for me) was hope filled. I chatted with our neighbor about work, we traveled to the hardware store to load up on bricks, and we sat together designing a bird bath plan because just throwing it in the yard feels too easy.

I’ve wanted a bird bath for so long. My mother had one in our front yard when I was growing up and I always felt bad that she didn’t want water in in. When it rained it would fill up, but we lived in southern New Mexico– there wasn’t a lot of rain. Instead, the dry basin would crack beneath the intense desert sun. As I’ve grown into a full-level adult I’ve developed a love of birds. Our yard is a mini-paradise for so many different types of birds and I absolutely love sitting in our sunroom sipping a glass of iced tea and watching them. The feral cats we feed also enjoy watching them, but I have made it known that we provide food to them for free, they will get yelled at if they go after a bird. I am team bird 100% of the time.

So far this plan seems to be working, or at least thats what I tell myself.

I never thought I’d be one for sitting around and dreaming of things like my own bird bath or spending lazy weekend mornings watching those tiny little once-dinosaurs do their thing. Even so, they amaze me. I guess in this way, I amaze me too. I love the peace and simplicity of this way of living, and I’m so grateful that I leveled up into the adult that I have.

Flower beds, yard work, birds, and sun tea… these are all difinitive summer kisses that I love. In some ways I feel like we lost last summer completely, to the pandemic, and so I’m present and ready to embrace this one completely!

I have my happy little list of summer things I’m excited about and thought I’d share. Enthusiasm can be contageous so, whenever you read this, I hope my fan-girling of summer brings you a smile and, at least, an ounce of joy!

  • Movies! We have an outdoor theater set up in our yard and I can not wait to open it up to friends and neigbors as we resume outdoor movie nights!
  • BUT ALSO, there are big -screen movies releasing that I’m so excited about. We used to be avid movie goers and that definitly isn’t the case anymore. Even so, I am so excited for Baz Luerman’s Elvis Biopic! Almost equally as excited for the new Jurassic World and Top Gun sequel!
  • Our area has lovely outdoor garden concerts and I’m so ready for those to resume. Weather permitting, they became our favorite way to spend a Monday evening in summers past.
  • BUT ALSO, We are going to seeshows for The Lumineers and (of course!) Twenty One Pilots this summer. I’m beyond thrilled for both of those adventures!
  • We are so lucky to have a gorgeous beach and several outdoor areas. I can’t wait to get in some good lake time, forest bathing, hiking, and picnics!
  • BUT ALSO, secretly hoping we’ll be able to get in some ocean beach time too. We’ll see. (fingers crossed!)
  • We love supporting our local food truck vendors! They come out for the summer concert series, and we keep tabs on where they’ll be popping up around town!
  • BUT ALSO, we have a Food Truck Ralley every summer. In years past they have turned the weather into Tornado Warnings/Watches so along with delicious food, live music, and the very best fresh squeezed lemonade, there’s that excitement!
  • New summer sunnies and a new floppy hat are thrilling me to no end! Summer toes, sandles, pool time and my cute pool wrap with fringe are really exciting me about the warm weeks to come!
  • BUT ALSO, after three long years away, I get to go home for a few days this summer and I can’t wait! I’m already composing lists of my favorite places to go and my best people!

Moral of this summer-hopeful tale is this: Wherever your life is at today, there is what is happening, BUT ALSO there is always hope.