Category: home

This has been a rough week, I am not going to lie. Monday was brutal in that I just couldn’t seem to be enough. Have you ever felt that? I have been doing a seasonal part-time job that I really enjoy, but Monday was off. The holiday crazy of customers did not really help or hinder the day, it just felt rough. Towards the end of the day I completed, what I believed to be, a task and it turned out I’d done it incorrectly. This sat with me in a not-so-great way. I had to rush home, grab Gen and take her right back to the same area of town for her work shift, and I simply could not shake that awful feeling that weighs you down when you have screwed up. I offered to come in, off the clock, and do the task right but my manager said it wasn’t that big of a deal. Still, it bothered me.

Psychologically, I don’t think it was that big of a deal. My manager is genuinely kind and did not seem to be upset. Whether it is a seasonal job or not, I try to give 100% at whatever I do and take pride in it. I felt like I failed. Talking to a friend, later that evening, I had to admit that this heavy feeling was being filtered through the perspective of a lot of December uglies right now. I get it… And so when Tuesday found me stiff and achy, with a migraine, I simply had grace for myself and acknowledged that the December uglies were probably affecting me and my fibromyalgia was flaring up. Wednesday became a tough day in this parental journey, coupled with still feeling stiff and achy, with a headache. There is NO COUNT to how many times I told my family yesterday, I really need to feel better because I work tomorrow.

Well, tomorrow is now today, and I am bundled in yoga pants and my Boise State sweatshirt, in front of my fireplace instead of being at work. After a fitful night of sleep, I woke around 6 with a 10-ton weight on my chest, complete sinus pressure and temple/mastoid throbbing to boot. My achyness had become an almost inability to move. My husband commented on how i didn’t seem well and maybe I shouldn’t go to work. I told him that I WAS going, and he offered up coffee as an aid. Coffee and a shower (I had really banked on the shower being my saving grace) did nothing but wear me out the final bit and make me want to die. (yes, I am sure we all know that feeling.) Turned out my temp was 101.2. No wonder the hot shower depleted me…

It’s the worst timing, really. Christmas wise, work wise, travel wise. I’m going to see my mother in her nursing home tomorrow and can’t go if I’m contagious. I’m spending the weekend with Amanda’s family and hate to spread sickness to them. My fibro makes car trips painful, but coupled with whatever achy nonsense I’ve got happening, it seems a cruel twist of holiday fate. Beyond all of that though, (because why stress about the things that haven’t happened yet? I’ll either be deathly ill or I won’t) It is how I was treated upon trying to openly communicate with my employer that seems the worst. That’s the part I can’t get over. I value, above all things, genuine kindness and love for others. I have always gone out of my way to make the lives (or days, or moments) for others, just a little bit brighter. I was treated like a piece of crap, pretty much told that I was selfish and manipulative and talked down to in a way which caught me off guard. I understand the holidays are stressful, management is exhausting, underpaid, overwhelming and that frustrations are high. I also understand that people are people. When one person treats another in such a way, it is dehumanizing and arrogant.

It is 6 hours later and I am still so bothered by it. Isn’t it enough that we simply do the best we can? Thankfully my temp is down, and maybe it is just that I’m sick and it made me feel more sensitive. I don’t know. I do not know this woman outside of work and while her personal opinion of me is of no value to me, professionally it bothers me far more than I would have expected. I find myself feeling crippled regarding ever stepping foot in there again, which I have to do. Tomorrow. Nearly a year of experiences within a company, that I love and felt such happiness from, is now an issue of disgusting conflict and that makes me angry. I am angry at this woman because, who does she think she is? Perhaps it is not fear of conflict that scares me… The past year has been complete and utter hell for me. I have somehow maintained dignity, grace and attempted to stay present and grow forward. I am afraid, within this hurt, appalled and angry place, that I would not be able to hold my tongue and would take out so much on her… And that, would be exactly what she did to me, which didn’t solve anything. Kindness and love… So I will steer clear of her, and that place, other than the 2 visits I have to make. Deep breaths and realizing it was just a seasonal job that would have been over today anyway, and that I don’t have any respect for her (after this morning) and don’t care what she thinks of me.

If I do ever cross paths with her I will simply smile and move on because people are people and it is on each of our consciences the type of people we choose to be…

Sleep and I have never been good friends. Even as a young girl, I remember laying awake for hours, just watching the clock. I would tell my mom about this, because she was a grown up and could therefore fix all problems, but she just told me I was lying and should stop.

This laying awake for hours, each night, became a thing that would last for the whole of my life, most nights. The imagine can be  in those dark, quiet nights. Though I was not a fan of working the graveyard shift, I learned that my mind is at it’s wildest, most productive time, in those hours. Later, when my husband worked nights (well, until 3 a.m.) I realized that these hours meant I would sleep the most and be the most productive.

Alas, now I am a real grown up too. My schedule is that of normal hours and my sleep is the same mangled mess it has always been. During the time that I was alone in Idaho, earlier this year, I got into the bad habit of falling asleep to tv. I think that it was because I didn’t feel so alone.At any rate, now there are nights when I simply can not shut my mind off without a tv show. (the unexpected downside to this is that it may take me 6 nights to actually get through an episode because I fall asleep.) The issue I am having, sleep wise, as of late is that I am having the most bizarre, vivid dreams. It is like they speak in screams, they are so bold. I am not getting quality rest and am waking up completely exhausted. While I am a big believer in dreams being my psyche processing what I am dealing with subconsciously, these dreams are so utterly ridiculous.

Every night, these past few weeks, go a little like this:

• go to bed.
• an episode of tv.
• fall asleep for about 20 min.
• wake up, tv off.
• lay awake for about an hour.
• sleep fitfully, for a few hours.
• wake up for about an hour, lay there and pray.
• fall asleep into deep, weird dreams for a few hours.

It’s awful. I am so tired.

As a result I have been thinking a lot about REST. What is rest? How can I achieve this when my nights are working against me? And, question of the hour: what is it that is psychologically causing this?

This week, with a fresh (loosely knitted) blanket of snow on the ground and a peace dangling ornamentally from the sky, I am on a quest to answer this question… Any wisdom to share?