Category: grief

that pesky halfway mark…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay

Every time I sit down to contemplate the lessons a month held, things feel so much heavier than they did the month prior. I’m not loving that trend. While it is completely unrealistic, as we’re now halfway through this year of our Lord 2022, I’m going to hope this B:Side is gentler…

June was a month. A MONTH. I’m really showing my age when I say this statement, but it is once again so profoundly true: This month was an eternity long, but also how is it already the end of June???

Things I learned (or relearned) over the past thirty days:

  • I do actually enjoy going to the movies. Hear me out, anyone who has known me for any length of time has known me as a movie lover. Pre-Covid, going to the movies was something we did OFTEN. Sometimes more than once a week. When routines hit pause, we reevaluated and started to wonder if we still loved this activity. Even getting back into it, well over a year later, often felt uncomfortable. Today I can so I do enjoy it but as something special. Once or twice a month is more than enough for me. I don’t want to go if it’s not a movie that I am seriously excited to see.
  • We can disagree with people we love, about hot-topic issues, and still be respectful. I don’t love this “unfollow and block” mentality, it’s gross and dismissive. Have the hard conversations–show that respect. If you can’t come to a place where you each can exists in love and differences, then take that drastic step. We’ve all had different experiences, and we will majorly disagree with our people sometimes.
  • I’m REALLY glad So You Think You Can Dance is back. While I’m not a dancer, I am a veteran series watched and suspect I may be more articulately qualified to judge than Leah Remini is. (Fox, if you need a stand-in–CALL ME!)
  • Raccoons are jerks. Or at least the one raccoon (we suspect it was one) who slashed the screens of our sunroom to get in and eat the cat food is. How are we kicking off July? By attempting to repair the damage and raccoon-proof our favorite room that is currently out of commission.
  • Sometimes it is essential to take a mental health day, (even when you work for yourself at home) lay on the couch, and binge-watch something. The world will whisper this is a lazy thing to do, but listen… the world needs to mind its own business. Rest can look like a million different things and only YOU get to say what’s right for you.
  • Ice cream for dinner is acceptable. Period. I am prepared to die on this hill.
  • That the world was not ready for Kate Bush music when I was a kid like it is now. I’m here for this revival, though I was also here for it when I was nine.
  • Conservative Purity viewpoints are solely responsible for things like porn addiction. I’d go so far as to say this may be true for a large portion of assaults on women as well. I realized this will be a controversial viewpoint for many, but the reality is the objectification of women is driven from this hyperfixation.
  • Too much time in the summer heat can cause a fever for me. It seems silly, but I experienced it after the Lumineer’s concert that was a few weeks ago, in the middle of a heatwave, and again after attending PrideFest last weekend. BIZARRE… but also, learning these things about the way my chronic illness manifests itself empowers me to know how to act, plan, and what to expect later.
  • Finding creative ways to partner with small, women-owned businesses is my absolute favorite thing!

As we head into the second half of our year, may we love kindly, hold space for others, and treat ourselves gently…

XOXO,

M

what a pain in the boob…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay

Let’s talk about boobs, shall we?

Not the sexy type of boob talk though, the annual mammogram kind. The check your titties for cancer or abnormalities kind…

In late 2020 I had to go in for my yearly mammogram. These were the days when remote working was normal and the majority of us were still avoiding supermarkets or restaurants. While I had no issue wearing masks, (and to clarify, I still have no issue) I was unprepared for what wearing a mask while undergoing this exam would be like. Roughly a third of the way through I began to hyperventilate.

This was not normal for me. I was no stranger to the experience. I’d been getting annual mammos since I was twenty-five years old, and several years had me getting two or three… but suddenly one pandemic happened and I couldn’t manage to get through one without falling apart.

“It’s ok, it’s happening to everyone. We’ve actually had several women pass out.” the tech’s reassurance was sweet, but it still didn’t make any sense.

“Oh no,” I tried to smile as I explained, “It’s not the test exactly. This isn’t normal for me, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“It’s the mask.”

I stared at her. The mask? “Why?”

“It seems to be triggering a fight or flight panic response when women are holding their breath and locked into the x-ray machine unable to move. A panic attack is a pretty mild response honestly.”

And suddenly it made sense.

With my newfound wisdom and experience, I shared this information with everyone. Several women came back to me, grateful that I’d helped prepare them for “such a difficult experience.” and that made me happy. Admittedly a little less happy when the radiologist informed me they’d seen an abnormality and I’d have to come back.

Of course, they did…

That was over a year ago and the second one was shorter, and since I was more prepared, it went better.

Fast forward to Tuesday… Tuesday I went in for my annual mammogram again. This time I knew exactly what to expect. I was a pro at the masked mammo by this point. What I wasn’t prepared for was the volume of nerve and pain sensitivity my ME/CFS has elevated me to. Suddenly the mask was the least of my worries. Instead, I sobbed, vomited, and really had one heck of a patient tech get me through what was one of my most painful experiences to date.

The moral of the story is that sometimes we have to endure the awful stuff in a measure to take care of ourselves, I guess. But also, if they call me again and tell me I need to go back I may decline. My insurance doesn’t cover anything beyond the first anyhow, and I love myself enough to not want to go through that level of pain again for a very long time.

Being a woman really sucks sometimes… Being a woman with a chronic illness who relies on an industry that is hesitant to hold space for women and/or chronic illnesses, can feel isolating, lonely, and defeating.

Here’s to changing that, advocating for ourselves (and each other!), and having healthy breasts… The next time I fly can’t that TSA machine just check my boobs out???

the adam project…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay

I had the privilege of seeing an early premiere of The Adam Project earlier this month. I have so many things to say about this movie… As a details girl, I was not disappointed!

As a dreamer of possibilities, the idea that this could (in any way, shape, or form) be a sequel to 13 Going on 30 made this movie even more fun to watch. (Matty & Jenna FOREVER!)

This movie is fun! In the vein of Explorers, Flight of the Navigator, and other similar themed films, it is filled with enjoyable adrenaline and fun! Beyond that though, this film is filled with heart. It touches on grief and loss from so many angles, causing each character (past, present, or future) to challenge their own feelings and empathize with others. There is simply so much depth within the frames of this movie showing us so much healing. While the premise of the film may be science-fiction, the truth is we all navigate our own burdens of grief and loss. Though the primary plot may be completely unrelatable, the soul of it may likely mirror struggles and moments of our own journeys.

From a technical perspective, the movie is well-paced with believable special effects. Casting in this film may be credited to Carmen Cuba but I fully believe some sort of time travel magic was involved, and you can fight me on this if you want, but Walker Scobell as a young Ryan Reynolds was eery perfection. I’m weeks out since the viewing and my mind still struggles to comprehend how these two people are not cut of the same human being. If you love Ryan Reynolds then this aspect alone is with the watch.

Just be forewarned, you’ll probably really love it.

Bravo to Netflix, the entire cast and crew… Brilliantly done film–the sort of escape, enjoyment, and heart we need right now!

dog… {giveaway}

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay21 Comments

I have always been a dog lover. There is something about having a dog that supports my emotional health, brings a level of companionship I may not get elsewhere, and just brings a richness unlike anything else. The hardest part of having walked this earth for four-plus decades as a dog lover has been the goodbyes. While many of my best moments involved a beloved pup, the lowest moments were those “see ya laters”.

I currently have a four-year-old Golden Retriever named Elenor. Ironically, she is the one dog I didn’t want. I’d had to say goodbye to a puppy a few months before and it had been brutal. I wasn’t ready. My husband really wanted her, and so Elenor came home with us.

This girl took a while to bond with, likely due to my hesitation. No one likes to get hurt and I was in the phase where maybe I didn’t want another dog because I’d had my fill of those rainbow bridge goodbyes… but, she’s been an absolute Godsend. These past few years have been the hardest, most growth-filled, and also the best/emotionally-healthiest years I’ve known–all rolled into one. I’ve done compelling work, written a memoir, signed a book contract, built a business with several facets, grown substantially in community, deconstructed from religion, and experienced more loss and grief than ever before. Elenor has been by my side through it all. We joke that she’s my husband’s dog, and in all fairness, he did fight like hell to get her… she does light up the most when she sees him, and she kind of worships the ground he walks on… BUT she is my constant companion. Where I go, she goes. When I’m asleep, she’s by my side. When I’m working, she’s outside my door. This sweet golden floof is always within reach. She is exactly who I needed.

When we rescued a litter of newborn kittens, she became the surrogate mom and the reason half of the litter survived. We kept one, and these two are the very best of friends.

I have partnered with Grace Hill Media to promote MGM’s new film Dog, starring and directed by Channing Tatum. In this partnership, I have the opportunity to give away an awesome Dog themed prize package, which includes 2 Fandango tickets!

DOG is a buddy comedy that follows the misadventures of two former Army Rangers
paired against their will on the road trip of a lifetime. Army Ranger Briggs (Channing
Tatum) and Lulu (a Belgian Malinois dog) buckle into a 1984 Ford Bronco and race
down the Pacific Coast in hopes of making it to a fellow soldier’s funeral on time.
Along the way, they’ll drive each other completely crazy, break a small handful of
laws, narrowly evade death and learn to let down their guards in order to have a
fighting chance of finding happiness.
Rated PG-13 for language, thematic elements, drug content, and some suggestive
material

You can view the trailer here.

DOG_10803_RC Channing Tatum stars as Briggs in DOG A Metro Goldwyn Mayer Pictures film Photo credit: Hilary Bronwyn Gayle/SMPSP © 2022 Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures Inc. All Rights Reserved

To enter the giveaway you must comment on this post by telling us a little about your dog! (If you share this post via social media, please comment back or send a DM with that link.)

Giveaway ends on February 15th at noon est.

what I’ve learned this year…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay

I don’t know about you but I’m not quite feeling ’22… Not yet anyway. For the first time in my four-plus decades of life, I am cautiously wary of transitioning into a new year. That may not be one hundred percent accurate… I was also fairly hesitant during the last few moments of 1999 as well, but I digress…

When I reflect back on the idea of what I’ve learned this year, it’s hard. The year feels like a thick, gooey, peanut butter fudge all mixed together with the year before somehow. Sort of like–what is 2021 anyway? At any rate, I’ll attempt to narrow down a list of life lessons from the twelve-month journey of this complicated year. If you happen to be a part of my tight-knit little circle and know I’m dipping into the wisdom gained from the craptastic year that proceeded this one, feel free to let me know. (Although to be fair, I’m one of those people who learns the same thing again and again, because somehow I tend to forget.)

What I learned this year:

  • There is not an aspect of life that isn’t improved by being connected to a community of people.
  • While I love our cat Darcy, whom we rescued the day she was born (in 2020) I am simply not a cat person. I’m not… I may love the random cat videos, and pet the cats of dear friends, but personally I just can’t surrender to being a cat lover in general. So many “cat habits” grate my nerves. Again though, I adore Darcy so much and do have a deep affection for the feral cats we feed and shelter…
  • I’m a slow reader. Chw insists I used to read much faster, and maybe it’s true. Perhaps years of chronic illness and medication induced brain fog have robbed me of that ability. For a long time I felt guilty for being a slower reader than many others I know. It felt embarassing. I am no longer taking on ownership of that guilt or embarassment. I am a slow reader. I’m a savorer. Every so often I encounter a book that I can’t put down, and I read all night. While I love those rare treats, I’m also chronically fatiqued and it simply isn’t practical or condusive to my health. I am ok savoring a book.
  • As I’ve continued my religious deconstruction journey (heading into the seventh year… Does it ever get easier? No. Is it worth it? YES!) I’ve began to realized that I am most whole and at home within the boundaries of connection. I find God there. Whether I am connecting with my Creator through creativity, barefoot in the depth of a forest, toes deep in beach sand, eyes raised to the mountain, or gazing up at a starry sky–it is that connection that drives me. Likewise, in the connections I share with people, God dwells. Sometimes this shows up through beautiful conversations, intense laughter, shared tears, and mutual experiences. Other times this looks like stepping up to love someone else where they are at, however they need. It is in these realizations that I’ve learned I never felt even close to this sort of connection within the confines of the church. With my many moves and church experiences, there is only ONE place which came the closest and this place was where I called “home” as this deconstruction began. Of all the Church “friends” I’ve known, I also know that body of people would be the only ones supporting me where I’m at today. I spent years searching for the things that I got from that space, and always left lacking. Religion would tell you that “church shopping” is a sin, and that the lacking was less about the church and more about my wicked heart…
  • BUT I’ve learned that is a lie. I believe that I am a created being, created by a loving creator. Of course I connect to Them within the beautiful spaces They created. Of course I feel Them in my core as I connect with, and love other people. It is a cruel deception to argue that in favor of oppression, manipulation, and judgement.
  • Likewise, I’ve learned to ask questions. I’ve learned to research and probe. To wonder why I was taught something was “bad”, and what that translated word or phrase actually says. Enlightening.
  • I have grown in my love of tactile things. Of paper and texture–things held in my fingertips.
  • For years I believed I could not do artistic things, and it was true. I could not, because I did not try. I did not try because I had foundational years of people telling me I was no good so why embarass myself? No more. Today I do the creative things. I’m sketching, painting, stitching…
  • I lost my mother and aunt this year, along with nine other people close to me (or very close to people I love deeply) and it was hard. Harder than hard. I learned how to grieve alongside others as I navigated my own sea. I learned, once again, that there isn’t a portion of life that isn’t made richer by community. Grief is only isolating because we are conditioned to grieve alone.
  • Having been suicidal for a time (years ago), and knowing three people who died by suicide (also years ago) I learned a lot about suicide this year. What it really looks like to be close to it. Part of what I needed to let go of, and reeducate myself on was stuff instilled during those foundational religious years. Again: lies.
  • I’ve learned a group of women of various culteral backgrounds and ethnicities can share an intimate connection. Some of these women can love Jesus, some can be Athiests, and a few can be a little witchy, and that none of these differences change a thing. In fact, this love and community is stronger for not letting them divide us. This isn’t what we are taught, but even so it’s what I’ve learned.
  • I’ve let go of my fear of the word witch. In fact, I’ve learned that the very things women did which had them labelled as such during the puritanical era involved things conservative families embrace now. Meditation, herbs, holistic medicine, essential oils, plant based sustinance, affirmations, self nurturing… these are all things that women were once killed for. Looking to the stars and paying attention to the changes in the moon caused women to be labelled devil worshippers. It’s interesting really, because men navigating the seas and seasons by stars was acceptable, even when the ships they sailed brought over people of Color to be abused and enslaved. (This is something the church should have always been against, isn’t it?) Modern medicine states the pull of the moon can effect us in many health and mental health ways. After all, we know the moon has an incredible affect on our waters, and aren’t we mostly made up of water? If my growing education in natural ways, the effects of the moon, the practice of hollistic things, and my belief in self-care and affirmations makes me a witch, I’ll claim it.
  • Fun fact (that I learned) Christian Witches are a thing! Who knew?!?!
  • The word witch has such a negative conatation, and it’s innaccurate. Each one of those things is divinely feminine in nature… Could it be that was the problem all along?
  • I’ve learned I prefer tea to coffee, and that I prefer that tea with sugar cubes. Infused sugar cubes are even better.
  • I’m learning (because I’m not quite there yet) to love myself as I am. Having once put my body through intense hell in an effort to take weight off, I have come to believe that was a mistake. Ironically the consequences of that decision have left my health a mess. Even more fun is that due to those issues, and endocrinal issues already present, much of that lost weight has come back. It’s frustrating. I’m tired. I’m sad, but I’m learning to love and accept myself as I am.
  • I learned that while I am a beautiful writer, I am not a well educated one. My foundational education, while heavily focussed in Biblical teaching and obedience training, did not do much for teaching me the skills I should have learned like math and grammar. Combine that with the afore mentioned brain fog and well, I’ve seen a lot of frustrationt this year. (As has my editor.) She has been so patient with me and we have really grown from the experience. After the new year I’ll be getting to know my Publisher’s editor and start that process all over again. Truthfully? I’m terrified. In fact, if I think about it too much I feel sick. BUT, I have to keep reminding myself that we all want the same thing: for this book to be out in the world and in the hands of people.
  • This year my word was AND. I learned to accept results of my hard work or goals, and then reach for more. Additionally, when my nostalgia made me sad about things which have been over for a long time (especially when I may wish they weren’t) AND reminded me that I can grieve and ache for a different outcome while also remembering boundaries and the reasons why it’s best as it is.
  • I learned that I could rewrite the majority of my book in seven days, if asked by the publisher I had my heart set on. I had no idea I was capable of that. (Brain fog be damned!)
  • This year I learned that I can be a sleeper. I’ve struggled with sleep for the majority of my life, and had grown to exhaustedly believe sleep just wasn’t meant for me. I was wrong. I researched, educated myself, and by trial and error have learned how to sleep well.
  • I learned that while I LOVE TikTok, I do not love making them. (nor do I have to.)
  • I learned that I have zero patience for the the Let’s Go Brandoners, the passionately anti-vaxxers, or the people who go about life like normal while being covid positive because “no one has really died from it.” Yes they have. We know several of them. Listen, I support your right to deny the vaccine. It’s your body, your choice (100% of the time) but this illness is real. People are dying, and others have had their lives impacted in devestating ways from it. If you don’t want to get the vaccine, social distance. Wear a mask in public. Keep yourself safe. Limit interactions so you don’t get sick, or carry it to someone else. I am triple vaxxed and I social distance. I wear a mask in public. I care about your safety as much as my own. (The LGBers though? GO AWAY! You’re loud, obnoxious, self-centered, and ridiculous. That this nonsense is happening in churches and is rampant through church communities only affirms my decision to walk away.) You don’t have to love our president, but don’t be a dick.

I’m sure I’ve learned more. Already this is longer than I expected… A hard year? Yes. A sad year? Resoundingly. But also a year of solid growth and accomplishment. (or should I say AND a year of solid growth…)