Category: family

Choices…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment
For the entirety of our relationship we have had quite a few family members who have treated us with extreme manipulation and blatant animosity. For awhile we endured, and then we distanced. Though distancing made our everyday lives significantly more peaceful- the unfortunate times we were with said family members was much worse. 
Eventually life found us living on the other side of the country and creating a lovely little urban sort of family. Life also made us parents. there is something about knowing that your kid literally aches for grandparents or aunts/uncles that is pretty heartbreaking. Heartbreaking enough to remove those boundaries and make a pact with your spouse to be extra graceful… 
Of course, a majority of the time, it’s the child who gets hurt because selfish and narcissistic people do and say some pretty hateful things. By then though, everything has gotten far more complicated and so you just sort of fumble and cope. That is, until something huge happens like the possibility of losing your child and your family literally breaking in half. Then, life gives you a great big ass kicking and you give the toxic people a chance to step up and save their position in your kids’ lives or get out for good.  
Some choices were made, either by pretending we said nothing, or by walking away. Some apologies were said, and life moved on. Until last week. Last week something wicked was said in regards to an amount of money spent (a SMALL amount, at that) to be there for one of our kids when they really need someone to be there. I found myself there again- on the brink of decision. Ignoring the fact that the person saying it really has no idea about parental sacrifice- the words cut me to the core and have forever altered our relationship. It is amazing to me how many people- because a child did not slip and slide themselves from my vagina- REFUSE to acknowledge our kids as ours, and our family as real. 
For the gazillionth time I am left shaking my head and wondering what is wrong with people?
No matter though. My life standard is as such: You can insult me, neglect me, ignore me, badmouth me, lie to me or any other ugly thing you want- but do not even think about doing any of that to my kid or you will lose out BIG time. I am blessed to be the mom of three of the most remarkable human beings I have ever known and anyone who refuses to embrace and love the hell out of them can turn around and walk away from all of us. 
Right. Now. 
Because I am done playing games. Games hurt my kids’ hearts and those people aren’t worth it. Having NO family outside of us is far better than the hurt… 
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On missing someone…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay7 Comments
I have this really cool, fabric covered, storage box that I love. 
I bought it a long time ago (paid way too much!) because I loved it and knew it would hold something special. 
Then, my son went to basic, and I sorted through my boxes of cards/letters and put everything my kids had ever given me into this lovely box. 
Well, time has passed. There have been birthdays and mother’s days. Plus, as you can surely imagine, having a son deployed and a daughter away for AIT, paper letters are arriving in full force. Just last week Genny pointed out that it’s hinged lid would no longer close. 
So, begrudgingly I sat three separate storage boxes on the floor in front of me and proceeded to go through a decade + of notes, photos, coloring pages, small art projects and letters from all over the globe. 
One box for Genny, one box for Lucas, one box for Amanda. 
It really made me miss my kids. 
Granted, even though she is currently in Texas, Amanda’s stuff (and therefore her presence) is still all over the house. I could take a nap on her bed, I could go sit in her car. And again, she’s in Texas. I can text her. I can call her. 
But Lucas, not so much. 
And so I sorted and read, remembered and cried. My heart melted to slush and then put itself back together again. 
And then I thought, in an effort to work through the mom-missing moments, I would share a few Lucas facts with you… 
– The boy LOVES Fruity Pebbles. Know HOW he loves them? you poor a ton into a gigantic bowl, then fill it with milk and walk away. FOR LITERAL MINUTES, the easily soggy cereal mixes with the milk. I sit here gagging even writing it out. But he loves it. 
– Not hungry for breakfast you ask? How about he makes you a burrito for lunch? to do this he would cook up a package of Shrimp Ramen noodles. When they’re done he’ll scramble and egg. Then, mix them together, wrap in a tortilla and “ta da”. (GROSS) 
– His favorite pizza topping is Shrimp. He could be Bubba Gump. 
– He cried in The Vow. (it’s true.) In fact, his dates to see it (on Valentines weekend) was my friend K and I. How sweet is that? (and we went to dinner first, where there was no shrimp.) 
– He likes to play Monopoly. A lot. On the wii. On a game board. It doesn’t matter. Already finished a 12 hour game of it? Doesn’t matter. He loves it. 
– He gets scared in scary movies… (But watches them anyway) 
– he kept a GREAT circle journal with me for about 3 years, until his dog ate it. He still has it though, (what was left)
– he is my FAVORITE person to cook with, especially big holiday meals. (we do not cook burritos.) He’s actually an amazing cook. 
– He is the best older brother, ever. He will take Genny shopping for girly things (which he pays for), he will play girly video games (like hannah montana) with her, he will wrestle and beat her up and then is all to happy to just cuddle her a moment later. He never loses patience with her. Ever. (also… he has been known to try on Amanda’s clothes, though I have no proof of this.) 
I will stop, for now, before I get even more sad. Just needed to share him for a bit. 
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Raw…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay6 Comments
When a woman gives birth to a baby, bestowed upon her is this power that she can make or break the entire life of her child with one smooth move. That’s kind of a lot. 
I don’t think most moms even realize it. 
In fact, I would go so far as to say that a woman wouldn’t grasp the depth of such a truth until she has come to love a child whose entire life was shattered in such a way.
I have three of these such kids. 
And the thing is, I know they love me. Loving me isn’t even the challenge. Allowing me to love them isn’t either. The obstacle is them believing that I could possibly find worth in them that is not based on their actions- and stick around unconditionally. That is the tough part. 
And so, I have been going along loving them through the big feelings that are far too difficult to accept and comprehend- regardless of how old these kids grow. As they get older, we talk more openly about some of these things. As best we can anyway. 
Life moves along. Good days, bad days; huge days, small days… 
And then the post man brings me a letter from my oldest daughter that changes everything. 
In it she tells me that she finally knows I am not going anywhere, no matter what disappointments she could ever cause. 
It strikes me, the power in that. 
The responsibility. 
The gift… Because, it is a gift. To extend such faith in me when the very idea of faith feels ridiculous… 
I am humbled and awed. 
And more than anything I am incredibly grateful…
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in the end???

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments
Once I was talking to a friend about something I believe regarding the miracle of my family and she snorted a retort that was something like “yeah, I don’t believe in miracles.” 
No matter how much i tried to reason with her, she just kept saying “well, it’s not true because I don’t believe it.” 
Ok then. 
While I have my beliefs, (spiritual or other) I feel like I’m pretty easy to get along with when it comes to others differing beliefs. At least i try to be. 
But i’m learning that there is one thing in which I simply put my food down, like my stubborn friend, and say “It’s just not true, because I don’t believe it.”
That area is our impending doom in the rapidly approaching Apocalypse. 
Yesterday i was sitting beside my sister, at my nephew’s kindergarten graduation, when his teacher stood and said “I’d like to present to you the class of 2024.” 
Everyone clapped, except my sister, whose brow furrowed and she said “isn’t it sad that we won’t see that day because of the apocalypse?” 
Um. What???? {!!!!!!}
My little sister is a believer in Jesus. She’s a lover of Jesus. she doesn’t go to church, but totally would if there were no people there. Her way of compromise with the big man upstairs is watching church at home, pardon the pun, religiously… She’s kinda naive, and pretty much when someone says something- she believes it. If a big, famous tv preacher says it, you really can not convince her otherwise. 
My little sister, who in her thirties still cries in a thunderstorm because she’s sure it’s going to be her demise… and these people she’s watching online have convinced her that the world is ending. NOW. She is literally, I gather, waiting in fear every day. 
Which horrifyingly reminded me of a friend I used to have named Renee. I hung out with her in the very early days of our marriage when I was around 19 or 20. She was super artistic and had a cool life story. She was also my first exposure to a homeschooling mom. 
except that she didn’t really school her 4 kids. When anyone asked her about it, she was really honest that it would be a waste of time when the rapture was going to happen within the next few years. Instead, they ran around naked whenever they wanted and danced to weird music while their mom smoked pot and sculpted. 
On one particular evening Renee and i were working on something fairly artsy at her kitchen table when her 10 year old daughter asked her if she’d be pretty when she was 16. Renee, without missing a beat said “honey, you’ll never be 16 because the rapture will happen before then. No boyfriends or first kisses for you. No babies or husband.” 
this would be about 15 years ago. 
Yikes. 
i wonder sometimes how her kids are… Which makes me wonder about my nieces and nephews, and my sister- the poster child and spokeswoman for worrying yourself to death about the most trivial things. 
Yikes. 
So yeah, I don’t believe in drug-pushing fear to the naive. 
I don’t believe in giving a damn, honestly, about whether it’s going to be a rapture or a second coming, or a zombie Apocalypse. 
i believe in being the best person I can be- or trying. I believe in spreading love to everyone but still cutting out the toxic people when necessary. I believe my kids are my ministry, and loving them is my job requirement. All of that other stuff? Who cares? It doesn’t matter. it’s a distraction from the daily life we need to live to the utmost of our abilities. 
And if a zombie gets me in the end- I guess i’ll be a believer in that scenario just before I die. 
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