Mae @ Rainydayinmay

en-cour-age…

Published on May 23, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay10 Comments

Encouragement might look different for each of us. I know that it will likely always be one of those mysteries… We can’t actually see it, or touch it, yet we feel it and crave it- therefore knowing it is real.

Since March of 2012 I have been on a journey that has led me through my darkest hours. I’ve been deep within the trenches of darkness and depression at times, and I have contemplated the long hike up the hill towards hopeful optimism at others. The last year has been better than the previous, but only because the bad details were different. There has been a lot of isolation and aloneness, which I honestly don’t like. The first year found my husband and I purging our lives of relationships which were not healthy for our family. We had sort of known for a while, because of how they made us feel, but due to the circumstances that year brought along, our eyes were finally opened to the way those people viewed and treated our kids (as well as us) and we just couldn’t stand it any longer. It was easier than we would have thought, though admittedly, it was sad that it took us so long to see it.

This past year though, was different. An unexpected job change had us relocating to the other side of the country again and frankly, I wasn’t at all interested in leaving my friends. I have a core group of friends that I love and adore and being close to them (geographically) had become (what felt like) vitally important. And yet, here I was, thousands of miles away. Already struggling with depression and things just seemed to go from bad, to worse, (to worse.) Other friendships I had struggled to maintain, mostly one-sided, really took their toll on me and suddenly living in what felt like complete isolation altered my perception and opened my eyes yet again. The growing, it’s not comfortable or pleasant but it’s necessary and on this side of it, I am so grateful. Through the process I’ve learned so much about friendship, and about being a friend… And about encouragement…

Like I mentioned before, maybe it looks different for each of us. Maybe there are those of us who are content with a greeting card variety of some one else penned phrases and little genuine effort. I am not that person. The most encouraging thing someone can do for me is make an effort in my life. {The opposite is true too though, the most discouraging and hurtful thing is to disrespect me by ignoring/dismissing me.} The biggest thing I’ve learned however, is that I am my MOST encouraged by being an encouragement to others. I let the light into my darkness most, by intentionally being a light to others. Maybe it’s supposed to be that way… Maybe it isn’t. Maybe I’m weird, maybe I’m a slow learner. I don’t know… All I know is that this recent process in my life kiln, these past two years have shown me that I am my most encouraged when I simply love others actively, genuinely and intentionally…

{Image credit}

Do you Flex?

Published on May 21, 2014May 20, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

Several months ago I got a Fitbit Flex, which I thought was AWESOME. I loved it! While I was super excited to measure my steps/activity, I was really excited to monitor my sleep… I am a really bad sleeper and spend a lot of time exhausted. I feel like a whiny baby about this so having something that could keep track and tell me seemed helpful.

I was loving my Flex. Seeing her there, on my wrist, motivated me to get moving… I was up and busy constantly, (though not out walking, as the extended Michigan winter was a little tough to live with.) and averaging about 2-3,000 steps a day. I figured, because I knew that I was staying active, that this was good.

Until…

Until our good friends jumped on the bandwagon, and a couple of days later my husband, succumbing to peer pressure, boarded as well.

Suddenly they are all getting 8-12,000 steps a day and I’m stuck wondering what the crap is wrong with me, and why am I so miserably lazy, as I frantically run up and down stairs to do laundry, etc. Then, one deceptively sunny day in March, my husband and I had the rare gift of a “same day”. By this I mean, we did the EXACT SAME THINGS. Neither of us walked anywhere, without the other. When we realized this, we logged into our apps to see our steps. While his was showing 12 steps under 8,000 steps, mine was showing 2211 steps. Thus proving something was off.

I did loads of research, because I am a research queen, and learned about setting my stride. I did that and it improved some, but we will still intentionally start some days out the same, to test it, and he averages thousands beyond me. According to what I’ve been told, some people glide, and I must be a glider.

Whatever.

Who cares anyway, right? Which is sort of true. Before I had any friends with Flexs of their own, I was really motivated and proud. Now, when I look at the list of my friends and I’m at the bottom with my ridiculous step counts, knowing that it would be IMPOSSIBLE to be more busy most days (plus, I go to the gym) it’s super discouraging.{Example: last week my husband hurt his back at work and was home for a day. I had to take him to the doctor. He walked from bed to the living room, from living room to the car, car to dr, dr to home, home to bed. Maybe throw in a few trips to the bathroom and that’s his day. Meanwhile I walked the dogs multiple times, was up and down three flights of stairs throughout the day, all day, went to the pharmacy TWICE (at Target), went to the grocery store, took Gen to school, did cleaning, etc… And his fitbit showed him at more steps than I had. HOW???? How I beg you?)

But, I need to stop caring about that. And while my friends, who I essentially talking into getting FBF’s (it’s a growing list, btw) all see me ranking the bottom of the list and relish in the irony- I just need to shrug it off, do what I do and be happy that it accurately monitored the 2 hours and eleven minutes of sleep I got last night.

the Grace Apple Award…

Published on May 20, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

Last week we received an invitation to an awards ceremony at our daughter’s high school. The invitation clearly stated that the only students family’s who received the invitation would be students being honored with an award. When I shared this with Gen, she argued emphatically that she was NOT getting an award, and that it was a mistake.

Eventually she took it upon herself to ask. {We did not doubt, nor were we going to be the parents to email and ask “are you sure our kid is getting an award?”) Sure enough, they confirmed she was getting an award. This next phase of her self-doubt was to assume they’d created a special award just for her, just so she wouldn’t be the only kid there without one. Eventually I was able to explain to her that, if that were the case, the whole school would be involved, not a (very) small portion of the students.

Last night was the awards ceremony. She wore a dress, (we did not make her, she did this of her own accord, though blamed me later. *sigh*) and was a bundle of nerves. Our girl does NOT like not knowing something and it was making her feel very anxious.

Her award was for honor roll, which surprised her, though not us.

As she sat there, watching multiple kids get multiple awards for character, being a good/responsible student, etc. She grew more and more fidgety and agitated. I was glad it was a short ceremony, the whole thing was sort of like a kick in the teeth to her*, and she was emotionally at the end of her rope.

The thing is, she has made some really bad choices this school year. (mostly this semester) She’s a bright girl and did know better but she chose peer acceptance over school and in a few short weeks those friends will be long gone from her life and she will have absolutely nothing to show for it. These are things she will have to learn for herself, though God knows we’ve said them to her. That is where * comes in… She needed that “kick in the teeth”. She needed a real life kick back that showed her what she desperately wanted, and could have had. Should she be proud of honor roll? ABSOLUTELY, and we took her out for dessert to celebrate… But a small portion of her the first of many moments we all go through, last night. You know, the ones where we realize we should’ve planted the orchard 10 years ago, but didn’t and have nothing to show for it.

I’m just hoping she ALSO learns that it’s never to late to start sowing those seeds now.

And I’m also reminding myself that I still don’t always get this, so I can’t expect her to, at 15.

Happiness is…

Published on May 19, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments

Over the weekend we had the privilege of seeing a local theatre production of You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown. Anyone who knows me knows that I love musical theatre, but I have to be honest, this show was nowhere on my radar. At all. I don’t even know why. In reality, if it wasn’t for the fact that friends of ours were directing the production (and their awesome kids, whom we adore, were also in the show) we probably wouldn’t have gone at all.

Sometimes, I love the surprise of being wrong about something. This show is adorable. These kids were incredible, maybe beyond incredible. Having a daughter who was once heavily immersed in theatre, I’ve seen a lot of children perform but some of these kids were phenomenal. Plus, the show just made me, well- happy!

Towards the end of the show, different members of the Peanuts gang take turns saying what Happiness is to them. Interestingly, I have that little Peanuts gift book, Happiness Is… And I love it!

With last week being such a downer, I thought I’d take a minute to just share some things that are happiness to me.

Happiness is…

– a warm ceramic mug, cupped by both hands.

– fresh sheets.

– songs sang by the Cello.

– laughing with my husband.

– tall blades of grass flecked with fireflies.

– peonies.

– thunder rumble, with pouring rain.

– bright blue, sun streamed sky.

– weekend brunch.

– being in one room, with my kids.

– taking a really unexpectedly great photo.

– my completely awesome friends.

– B29 bacon.

– unique & ecclectic office/paper products and notebooks.

– an afternoon to read.

– picnics followed by nothing but enjoying the moment.

– when a butterfly lands on me.

– getting a facial.

– good hair days.

– the Boise connector, right when BoDo comes into sight. *sigh* (makes my heart leap- EVERY TIME)

– the ocean beach. Any will do, but the Oregon coast is best.

– New Mexico sunsets. Best skies, period.

– good, fresh roasted green chili.

– getting letters in the mail.

– finding the perfect pen.

– Kate Spade. While I love most of the brand products (most), I’m a big fan of the woman herself. (who is no longer associated with brand, fyi)

– Starbucks Lime Refreshers. {and that my husband loves them too. We NEVER love the same thing!}

– inside jokes.

What makes you happy?

Pajamas Bring Peace, headlines read…

Published on May 16, 2014May 16, 2014 by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

For my birthday I got a pair of new, summer pajamas. I love pajamas. If I could have 500 pairs of unique, cute, cotton pajamas, I totally would. I don’t want to live in them or anything, I just love them in the evening. The down side to these particular pajamas though, was that it was still a little too cold to wear them, so I tucked them away and eventually they slipped my mind.

This week started out ridiculous. Monday became a Monday, and I am not the type of girl who has Mondays. I’m not the personality type to have a bad day and then focus on how bad it is so that I only see the negative. Everything about Monday, however, went from bad to worse. It was one of those luck days where the bad luck simply kept on coming, like a geyser, even though I ignored it and attempted to laugh my way through it. My husband had gone out of town, on business, and I was left to deal with the broken air conditioning unit, the phone calls, the tornado sirens, the upset pets, the overly anxious teenager and all of the bad “luck” things that tucked in the “in-betweens”. To help matters, I haven’t been sleeping more than 2-3 hours (of broken sleep, in 15 min. intervals) for months now, and Sunday night had been an all time low. (I wear a fit bit that monitors/confirms this.)

Gen and I decided, due to the storms and bad weather, to camp out on air mattresses, in the living room. (Air mattresses because we currently have NO living room furniture, which is a whole other, increasingly stressful ordeal.) Well little sleep, naturally, happened.

Tuesday morning started out ok, despite Monday’s set backs. I ran out to do errands and was in a noon meeting that went a bit frustrating. As I’m walking back to my car I see 7 missed calls from Gen’s school. I listen to frantic messages from her about how she is sick and why I am ignoring her… (there were emails of the same tone.) Super sad… I rush to the school, (in bad, unusually thick traffic so it takes an insane amount of time) and get her home. Just as she’s settling in to our 98 degree house, (remember, broken AC) with her 103 degree fever, and I’m on the phone with our nurse- the power goes out. More storms hit, and 5 hours later, the power is restored but nothing in our fridge survived, due to the temps in the house coupled with the power outage. Awesome.

Wednesday finds my husband back in town, and back in the office. Gen makes it back to school after lunch, fever free and I’m optimistic that things might just be resuming themselves to normal… And just when I finally hit a groove of “this is good, I can deal with this”, my husband calls to tell me he’s headed to the ER due to a work injury. The rest of the day is a blur of that, taking care of make up stuff that had been neglected earlier in the week, running my high schooler to all of the many places she needs to be, running out of gas, etc.

Thursday he was home from work, but I was driving him to doctors and pharmacies, running school errands and literally hit the ground running the second my alarm went off. By the time 10 0’clock rolled around last night I was done. I was tired, I was so achy (this wasn’t a good fibromyalgia week, between the weather, the stress, the lack of sleep) and I just wanted to crumble into a heap and cry. This furniture situation has my blood pressure soaring and my guilt soaring because it’s such a shallow issue when there are REAL problems in the world. (Did I mention the dentist is calling EVERY DAY wondering when we will schedule Genny’s oral surgery and braces? the $6000 process that we just don’t have the cash lying around for, and I tell them that we are working on figuring something out, but they call back the next day. It just makes me feel like crap…)

BUT THEN, then, last night, I look in my PJ drawer and there are my birthday pjs. And they are new cotton and they feel so cool in the hot house. I put them on and I go in to wash my face. I hadn’t even noticed how my hair looked because I’d just pulled it back while I folded laundry earlier, but it looks so great and I smile. For the first time, all week, I feel value. There, in my desperately-needs-cleaned bathroom, in my birthday pajamas, with my hair pinned back I feel like I have some worth and I feel pretty. I take a deep breath as the warm water glides over my face and, in that moment, I just commit to being in that moment.

When I crawl into bed, it’s 10:38. My husband is snoring, medication having knocked him out, and I twinge with an instantaneous sense of jealousy. I sigh because I know that gives me even less ideal time to sleep, but thats ok because despite the hardest week I’ve had in a really long time, I truly do feel full of peace. I acknowledge the feel of the pajama cotton on my skin and I feel so much comfort in the joy it brings me. I am overcome with joy for those forgotten birthday pajamas…

It’s not so bad to hide bits of joy, tucking them away for later… Note to self: just don’t forget to find them.