Mae @ Rainydayinmay

The better sort of list…

Published on April 6, 2016April 4, 2016 by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

Everyone is all about bucket lists… I made a beautiful one last year, to complete before I was 40. Losing my family and way of life shot my list all to hell, so I thought instead I’d make a list of the 100 BEST things I’ve done in my 40 long years…

skinny dipping in a natural body of water.
dancing in the rain.
watching fireworks, on a hilltop, set to Bach.
My first time at the ocean, a glorious week on the Oregon coast.
going in to NYC to see the tree at Rockafellar center.
Swinging with the kids I worked with, at Hope House, on a hot summer day with the public sprinklers on.
Snowcones with my kids.
Working at Hope House and the amazing, life changing relationships I made there.
Getting my nose pierced.
the tattooes I’ve carefully chosen.
I met Colin Firth.
falling in love with the culture and pop culture of South Korea.
Working at OBI and the dear relationships I made there.
That I’ve always been one to forgive and try again. No exceptions.
Seeing Starship on the Santa Cruz beach. It wasn’t Starship, but the beach, air and company.
My first upside down rollercoaster, in the rain, in St. Louis.
that I learned to appreciate music.
adopting.
The Chvrches concert. It was how concerts should feel.
New Mexico sunsets.
Reconnecting with my high school BFF and being one who demonstrated unconditional, sacrificial love.
Being stranded in an airport and befriending a total stranger.
knowing Jared Glenn.
Loving with my whole heart, even if that has never really paid off.
Understanding the value of true family, whether there’s blood relation there or not.
catching live crabs and cooking them on the beach.
the first time I held hands with a boy, no feeling compares.
seeing my niece be born.
the moment I met my husband and knew we would be married.
My first DMB show.
The secret P!ATD show in Boise, when Gen was little, complete with awesome treatment, tv interviews, etc.
Attending a wedding with an MTV film crew.
the first time I loped on a horse.
The gift of knowing and loving my grandfather.
My dog Paisley’s love for me. Life affirming.
My grandmother’s chicken and dumplings.
When my stomach finally eased after my first major bout with sea sickness.
The week long backpacking trip I went on, when I was in 8th grade.
Seeing a large meteor shower.
Seeing Wicked on broadway.
The time a bear went through our camp while we slept under the stars.
walking at the ocean, feet in sand and sea.
The first time I body surfed.
Genny’s Twilight impressions, when she was younger.
Learning to give facials.
any inside joke, with my husband.
Staying at the Regent Beverly Wiltshire.
Gen’s 6th birthday, in the hotel on Easter. it was really fun and a nice connection moment for C & I, with midnight cake and snuggles.
Christmas with my husband and all three of my kids.
The twin foster babies we had.
When my husband baked me a lemon cake for my birthday. It was one of the most beautiful, thoughtful moments I’ve had with anyone.
Tummy slamming, with Melanie, when we were little.
My cousin Kyle. He really changed my childhood.
My pet turtle Rosie, who made the journey from my house to my grandmother’s, a few blocks away, and back.
My german shepherd/husky (when I was a kid) named Betsy.
White water rafting.
The way autumn smells, in Idaho.
That huge, terrifying storm we had in Kansas, when I was 17.
Stars, porches and conversation.
My California girls trip, in 2001.
Alicia Michelle.
Petting an Elephant at the Portland Zoo.
The San Diego Valentines day getaway I had with Chw in 2002.
bacon wrapped dates in Illinois. Delicious dinner and lovely evening conversation.
The Blake hotel in Chicago. Stunning.
The gigantic moon the Christmas of 1999 in Phoenix.
My bus ride to Kentucky, from New Mexico.
The summer I went in a semi to Los Angeles.
The look on Chw’s face with his surprise 40th birthday. Making him happy was always my favorite thing ever, there was no one more deserving.
Hours and hours of playing Killer Bunnies.
Girl’s day on Make your Own Holiday day.
Being published in The Pink Project.
the living room conversation I had in 92. It was terrifying and safe to be known so well.
saving myself from my sexually abusive step dad.
the Detroit blackout in 2003.
the magic of my first plane ride to Michigan, amidst the turmoil surrounding me.
My grandparents shed, my safe haven.
playing “Mermaids” in Monique’s pool.
Seeing Chw & Gen when i got home from the LA nightmare.
My first trip to NYC. Tiffany & Co, Central Park & FAO Shwartz.
the first time I shot with my Canon.
My one and only healthy ultrasound.
Whenever I hug my son.
Face to Face conversations with my daughter Amanda.
Amanda’s wedding. Helping, being there for her and getting her through it, the father/daughter dance and how stunning she looked.
Waking up for 6 months of beautiful mornings, in the smoky mountains.
The most delightful conversation imaginable, with Emma Thompson.
Witnessing both the sun rising on the US east coast and the sun setting on US west coast. Different days, but still a gift.
email corresponding with my grandmother’s favorite soap opera actress, after my grandmother died.
Chw and his little figurine for me after I had my first real operation in 1999. It’s never meant more for me to see anyone in all my life.
hearing strange sounds and learning my cat, whom I didn’t even know was pregnant, had just delivered one single kitten, who looked nothing at all like her. It felt like a miracle.
A youth that included white water rafting, snow tubing, ice blocking and casually floating the river. It was a blessed adolescence for sure.
late night dance parties, being surrounded by the coolest of people you know.
Eerily quiet Chinatown, in San Francisco. Exhilarating.
Becoming sisters with my sister Sherri, who is my heart sister but I know there isn’t anyway we could be more genuinely real.
Being Julie’s heart daughter. She’s been gone a decade, this year, and I am still in awe of her love for me.
heart pounding risks…
following my instinct/intuition, and learning something anyway, when it may not work out.
Discovering Chinese massage. It may not be amazing everywhere, but here it is extraordinary.
My relationship with God, learning to blind trust and love through it has been the biggest adventure of my life…

On love and marriage…

Published on April 5, 2016April 4, 2016 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

You may or may not be aware that my husband & I had a pretty fantastic little podcast. We had a loyal little group of followers who gleaned something from what we had to share regarding marriage and parenting. Now, standing on the precipice of the most confusing divorce I’ve ever witnessed, this idea seems crazy to me.

A handful of these followers have kept in touch with me through the close of the podcast. Two of them are in struggling marriages and still ask me for prayer, advice and guidance. It is very much the truth when I state that I feel I am the last person to give such kernels of anything. Learning my husband’s feelings for me were more fraudulent than I could have ever imagined, I myself feel like a fraud. Like a joke. But still, these two women believe I have something to give them and so as brokenly and honestly as possible, I try.

A few weeks ago one of them wrote to me and asked me if I still believed in marriage, and how was it possible to. She’s hurting, broken and terrified. Perhaps my believing in marriage is a ray of hope to her. I don’t know. I’ve thought so much about this… The answer is, yes. Yes, I do believe in marriage.

I believe that those of us who want to connect with someone and share a life, have that desire because it’s something in us that needs it. I also believe that once that commitment is made, the two of them need to uphold it at all cost, No Matter What. That part is tricky…

I believe in the institute of marriage, what it seems to be explainably and unexplainably. I believe it is real, solid, organic and therefore needs feeding and nurturing. I also believe that while the plants may die, due to negligence, the seed cannot as it is in and of itself, other worldly. Any marriage, it is my belief, can be brought back to life. I have seen this done, I have witnessed and heard such beautiful tales of such. This, however, is not easy. Then again, no good things are.

Yes, I believe in marriage. Even my marriage, as ridiculous as that sounds. I am the one person in my union able to remember both the good and bad, and see it honestly. It would be hard not to believe in my marriage, it is the most rewarding, beautiful and fulfilling thing I have ever lived through. I do not however believe in my husband or his heart for me, any longer. I know that, as my marriage dies and he moves on to a life outside of us, I will never be able to hope for that same thing elsewhere. I do not want a new love, a new experience, a new marriage or a redemptive relationship. My heart was for my marriage, for my husband, and those options are dead to me so, although it sounds incredibly dramatic, I too am dead. Dead as a wife, dead as a life partner, dead as a woman who is loved and has romance.

I believe in marriage. I always will. I hold hope for the hundreds of thousands of seeds out there. Water them, expose them to light and weed around them… My only advice is to fight til the bitter end because when it works out, it is the most worthwhile thing ever.

Such Great Heights…

Published on April 4, 2016April 4, 2016 by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

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One week ago today I turned 40. I’ll get to that in another post because, frankly I need more time. One of the things I did in the forty days leading up to my birthday was attempted to do 40 adventures. (of sorts… since I’m broke, adventure was sometimes a stretch.) My one big adventure was a hot air balloon ride. I didn’t pay for it, I used groupon credit that had been sitting in my account since Christmas when I had to do a large return.

I also didn’t choose this for me. In hindsight I should have really thought about it.

I have this horrible habit of prioritizing the people I care about far above things like my housing, survival, etc. So, when Chw flew here in February, sat in the relationship coach’s office and said we would move towards reconciliation and me coming home- I decided to buy the balloon ride for him. The three dreams he’s had for the entire time I’ve known him have been to own and restore a classic pickup truck, to travel to Germany & to ride in a hot air balloon. I’m powerless with the other two but this I could give him. As a gesture of good will, as an effort in thoughtfulness, etc. See, the plan (that day that he decided this) was that I would be going home during Genny’s spring break, which was last week. The week of my fortieth birthday. I assumed we’d have four hard weeks of effort, work and growth leading up to that. I’ve been in the camp for months of how can we truly fix our relationship with the distance? (The people we’ve met with have asked the same question.) Over those four weeks though, what happened was Chw saying no, then yes, then no, then maybe. It got to the point where I felt like I was going to have to beg and plead with him to accept me, and truthfully I’m better than that. It got to the point where he decided he was a martyr and that if it happened, it would destroy his life. I deserve better than that too. I was a really great wife to him before my depression hit late last spring. I prioritized him, lifted him up and loved him fiercely. And so, as he went about those four weeks of frustration, I kept that balloon ride for him. I had faith that things would work out, and I still wanted to bring him comfort, build him up and love him. Truthfully though, I did regret buying it towards the end as it lost its luster.

By the time my birthday rolled around, I did not want to go with him. Originally it had seemed so poignant to be going home that week, to be granting him a dream in exchange for martyring himself in marriage, because our 22nd wedding anniversary was also that week. Everything would work out so poetically… Instead, I had the worst birthday in my history of birthdays, the worst week I may have ever known (in many ways) and was stuck going in the stupid balloon because he didn’t get someone else to go.

If you’ve never done a hot air balloon ride before, let me give you a head’s up. It is very couply. There’s a champagne toast about love, life together and so on. You stand so close to your partner, which was fine for the other couples in the basket as it was cold and they snuggled. When your husband tells you he is not at all attracted to you, seems repulsed when you cry hugging him at the airport and quickly backs away, and does not want any form (emotional or physical) of intimacy with you- the very close proximity in the basket is excruciatingly uncomfortable. When he treats you like you don’t exist, when you are surrounded by a very elaborate proposal, a stunning sunrise and another couple celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary- you seriously contemplate jumping from the basket 800 feet in the sky.

Tears stung my eyes nearly the entire time. He enjoyed his dream coming true and truthfully I was glad. I was glad that, in the life where he believes he owes me nothing and I am his worst case scenario, I was able to give him something good. That when our chapter is over, he is able to say Well, at least she did this for me, though we all know there will still be something wrong with that too.

One of my favorite love songs of all time, lyrically, is Such Great Heights. It stirs my heart deeply. It always has. Up there, from that amazing viewpoint of height, I looked at those couples with us. At the beauty of their lives, in that moment. I looked down over the valley where everything was visible. I saw the college where we met, the church where we were married and the thousands of places we had dated, laughed, loved and lived amongst. Every direction held some significant thing to say Good bye to, as I stood so close to the man who swears he does not hate me, yet acts like he’d rather I were dead.

From that height I was able to realize we were flying over hundreds of houses with broken families, healing relationships, divorces, abuses, depressions, illnesses and it goes on and on. It numbed me to the core to see that reality. As personal as my husband’s behavior is to me and our kids, it’s just one in a million shattering situations out there. It becomes a number. Even the very idea of a midlife crisis, which everyone thinks he is having, is something so common that it becomes not very special. My marriage ending, my family imploding, these are more common and normal than if we’d tried to save it. From up there, looking down, this made me so tragically sad.

Spread out beneath me was our life together. It’s beginning and it’s ending. And standing next to me was the man, obliviously in denial of how huge that is to the lives of those immediately involved and yet how pathetically average it is to the world below.

and just like that…

Published on March 23, 2016March 23, 2016 by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

bviex5lwf3s-danist-soh I haven’t really known what to say… I know it’s been awhile.

I think I kept believing that things would get a little better, that something good would happen and I would come back here and say “SEE!!!! What a testament this is!” Rather than be the blogger who continues complaining about this mess of a situation. I’m (finally) coming to terms with the fact that this isn’t going to happen…

Chw flew out a few weeks ago and to say that it went horribly would be a massive understatement. If you strip away the resentment, he wouldn’t have many other feelings for me. He did agree to move towards reconciliation, but he yo-yo’d so many times over the next couple of weeks before finally admitting that was never going to happen. I’m still left with no reasons other than I’m not worth it and he wants something different. Everyone who knows him sits back and says this isn’t the Chw they know and it must be a midlife crisis. It’s a crisis alright, with eternally scarring consequences. I know that I look at the shell of the person I am now and I realize I will forever be altered by this.

There is an art to having a 22 year-long relationship. Better than any scrapbook, my heart and mind will always fall asleep to memories and moments we shared together. In the quiet moments my heart will always drift there and devastation will suck my breath away all over again. Despite his perspective, we had a really beautiful life, and I’ll always be so grateful. In many ways, my life is over. My world revolved around being a mother and a wife. I longed for the days that we would actively grandparent together and travel once our nest was empty. These dreams are dead. So many dreams are dead… As a (very nearly) 40 year old, it is amazing the things people don’t hesitate to tell you… I have been told I should have “considered” a career before it was too late, that I “need to look elsewhere” for a full-time job, I’ve been asked if I’m embarrassed to be this age with nothing to show for it. I was told, in an interview, that I was living her worst nightmare. I have become a nearly 40-year-old beggar, of sorts. It won’t be long until the full meaning of the word is my existence. I’ve juggled two jobs and education only to realize my debt is growing and I still don’t make enough. I’ve lost everything, be they material or the things which really matter.

I get up and go to work. I pray. I prioritize these people whose garbage I am. I try to be generous in every way possible. I give. I love. I educate myself and try to become a better version of myself. All the while, every day things get a little worse. When they get really bad, your credit card company withdraws unauthorized funds from your bank account and overdraft you and then closes the credit account after they have to right their wrong, and threatens to sue you for balance in full… When things get really, really bad a nice guy who shares the same name as your estranged husband rear ends you. When the latter happens, you realize you’ve been begging God for a break, and this last thing has actually been the thing to finally break you.

I am broken.

With no full-time job, there is no “getting better”. there is homelessness and starvation ahead. It’s been days of everything going wrong culminating in people telling me, multiple times today, that I’m not doing good enough, trying hard enough, etc. I am doing the best I can. I’ve done the best I could. I can’t try any longer. In a job interview today the woman said “wow, you are nice, it’s too bad you have so many strikes against you or you’d land a great job. If only you were 10 years younger.”

In a few days my soon-to-be-ex husband and youngest daughter, both of whom want nothing to do with me, will be here in Idaho. They will be here over my birthday, a day that is ruined every year, in painful ways. It is a day that I personally struggle so much with. I’m turning 40. I just wanted a nice day. I just wanted to feel valuable for one day. I just wanted love. I want too much, because none of those things are going to happen. It is already an issue, already a complication and inconvenience. Instead I will celebrate a child who detests me, and make sure I communicate all of those things I was aching to feel, on her birthday. I will juggle her with a man who can’t say, see or feel anything actually positive about me. My older daughter was trying to come too but it didn’t work out and she’s sad. We’re both sad. I’m being forced to look at the reality that her life and her family are things I will not be able to be a part of. When you can’t even afford to live, luxuries like travel and holidays become null.

On the brink of 40, I feel like my life is over and all hope is lost. I remember when Chw and I divorced in 99, a well meaning family member said to me “well, you screwed up your chance with the only man who would ever try to love you. your life is over now and it’s time buckle up and take care of your grandmother because the rest of us have families.” I spent my entire adulthood prioritizing my family and husband only to be left with neither. It feels cruel. I feel deeply sad.

After 22 years, he is woven into everything. I hate living here, every place is touted in a memory with him. Every street has some tie. Every song on the radio either echoes how I feel, screams what I lost or possesses its own playback reel of time with him. He is so stitched into the seams of my soul that I could never possibly get through a day unscathed by the new overwhelming sense of his rejection and dispose.

Midnight Special…

Published on March 18, 2016 by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

I have a giveaway that I am really excited to share with you guys! In this season of life, the premise of this film I’m about to talk a little about really gets to me. Anyone who knows me knows that I love a good movie with heart and story, and this one is sure not to disappoint!

Go watch the trailer, and then come back… I’ll wait.

Right??? I know…

Ok. Moving on.

Midnight Special is about the power of a parent’s love – How far a mother and father would go to protect their child. This movie will encourage us to reflect on the importance of family and the responsibility parents have to encourage and shield their children from society’s wrongful perception of what “normal” should look like. Any parents out there are already nodding their head regarding the importance of this!

This film is written and directed by Jeff Nichols, and is starring Michael Shannon, Kirsten Dunst, Joel Edgerton, Adam Driver, Sam Shepard, and Jaeden Lieberher. (Can you just give me a second to do another little shout of glee for the cast???)

This giveaway is for movie money vouchers! It’s the perfect giveaway just in time for my birthday, don’t you think??? The giveaway is live through midnight March 20th. You can enter here or on my FB link. As always, an additional entry for a twitter link to your tweet!