Sleep with me…


This week, my chosen writing prompt from Mama Kat’s workshop is: 3.) Describe a phone call you won’t forget.

There are only a handful of phone moments that really rank in my forever memory savings account. One of those would be the call where i found out my grandmother passed away, and another would be two days later when my mom died. Those aren’t great calls though, and I want to write about something great… 


I had a boyfriend once who could honestly be summed up into one giant phone call I’ll never forget. Our relationship was long distance and the bulk of that was over the phone. Every call held moments bigger than so many of my days, before him. Deep, theological conversations; political rants and considerations; secrets; dreams and wishes… You name it, good or bad, and it resided within the miles of wires which stretched between us. From “hello” to “goodbye” I held magic within my fingers and I grasped it, willing it to last forever, though it never did… 


Please allow a small sidenote here: his voice was the sort of voice that could make a girl’s heart, (or at least my heart) dip in that way that a deep drop in a road might make one’s belly. His “hey” whenever I’d answer, drawn out and sexy, would open up the cage of butterflies within me and they’d flutter and fly for however many hours we’d talk. His voice and the things (most, anyway) that came out of his mouth were my addiction. I could barely make it through the day, waiting for his call. 


This one particular night, he called later than normal. I wasn’t feeling well and had just had a particularly horrible day at work. I sipped hot tea for the first hour that I listened to his boyish laugh as he explained his day. He had a thing for chuck norris, whom I can’t stand, and I listened to his little CN anecdotes as well as his perception of the most recent rerun of Walker, Texas Ranger. He listened to my scratchy voice cry about my day, about my sore throat and about how tired I was. He never judged my whining. Instead he soothed, and then he softly spoke of dreams and our future together, of how incredibly much he loved me and why… 
And my eyes grew heavy… 
For the first time in days I felt warm and comfortable, and yet without me speaking a word of that- he sensed it. 


“Sleep with me.” Gentle, quiet words came. 


I wish I could. I wish you were here. That you could just hold me. I miss you. 


“I may not be there, but I’m here- right now- to the best of my ability. Sleep with me. I’ll hold you this way. I won’t hang up, I won’t let you go.” 


The one time I woke up, hours later, he was still on the line and breathing sweetly… 

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laryngitis…

My little one, {who isn’t so little anymore, at 12} God bless her, is quite the character! 
Let me see how I can visually set this up for you… 
Let’s say, hypothetically, you find your pack of missing gum hidden in her snow boot. K? And you ask her why she has it… Well, she’ll cock her head a few degrees to the left, raise and eye brow and say: 
“remember when you said I could have that? RE-MEMMM-BER?” As she speaks, defining every syllable clearly, dragging some out fifty times longer than necessary, you can hear the oodles of effort she’s cramming into trying to manipulate the situation. 
Without any will at all, if you can imagine it, I’ll deadpan “No, I don’t,” in reply. 
I’m cool and collected… 
Except for when I’m not, which isn’t what this post is about, so anyway… 
It’s funny, right? 
Except for when it’s about 40 times a day. 
“Genny, why do you have a cookie in your mouth?” 
“I don’t. I didn’t eat a cookie. I did not take a cooookkkiiieeee.” her words, hypnotic, likely achieving great success if it wasn’t for the little hiccup of them being spoken around the cookie still in her mouth
Oye… 
So, Chw and I have been slowly watching the HBO mini-series of Mildred Pierce with Kate Winslet. Did you watch it? {Disclaimer: having viewed it is completely irrelevant to this post.} The daughter, in the movie, does that to her mom. A lot. It’s infuriating actually… I kind of spent the majority of all 5 hours of it, wanting to shove my hands through the tv screen and wring the daughter’s neck. She was evil. EVIL, i tell you!
But, here’s the thing. In the movie, the mother GIVES IN! If she were in my situation, Mildred Pierce would have said something like, “oh, you didn’t take the cookie? I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.” And we, the smarter-than-that audience sit there dumbfounded.
Guess what though? That daughter becomes a total psychopath. (sorry if you haven’t seen it but are dying to. yep. She’s nuts. But no offence, if you see the first half hour and didn’t come to that conclusion, you should be ashamed of yourself.) and well, we don’t fall for Gen’s weird hypnosis attempts so I’m pretty sure this is the universe’ss way of telling me that she’s NOT going to be a psychopath! 
Yay! 
I mean, in hindsight after finishing said mini-series, when your daughter continues her ploy of hypnosis genius, is that not also the same conclusion you would come to? (did I mention I’ve got about 3 hours sleep going on, too?) 
All I’m saying is, if your kid too, tries to hypnotize you into believing ridiculous things- be brave. Stand strong. Keep your eye on the partially chewed cookie and your anchor in reality. Some day, when your child isn’t a psychopath, they’ll thank you… 
i hope. 
in the meantime, I’m naming this our anthem! (A.. Cuz it totally fits and B… Cuz it’s such a great song!)
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Categories Art

Peaceful, Easy feeling…

I consider myself a lover of camping… 
And yet, when it comes to the unpacking and setting up of camping- I’m pretty much in the anti-camp crowd. We have an unspoken rule, Chw and I, that he is the camp cook. He does the firewood. He does the fire. It’s pretty much a Chw work fest, that I’m miserably along for the ride on. 
Until… 
Until that first morning, when the sun just barely peaks over the mountain ridge, shards of light shooting between the evergreens. Water’s sound, from somewhere, intensifies and the birds come along. In that blip of a moment the world just comes alive and my heart finds it’s wings. 
For the rest of our wilderness days, I’m free as a bird. 
I’m breathing fresh air, heart light as a feather. 
The world is suddenly branded with a sweetness, untouched by society and technology. 
I opened my door this morning, to check the temp and I heard it. There, right outside my suburban home I heard (and felt) that mountain airy peace. The birds were singing and the warm air had that early camp morning crispness…

It was as close to heaven as my heart has felt in months. Months of dreary greyness scattered with a few blips of blue sky. The whole world was in a party of sorts. I felt high on the moment, on the morning, high on the song…

I chicken scratched through the first few things on my day’s to-do list and wrote “buy stuff for smores.”

It’s a good day!

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Sticks and Holes…

Some time ago Chw was touching up paint for me, in our office. I love gray, and it so happens I have several shades of gray paint and he touched up with the wrong shade. It was funny, and easily fixable. No big deal… In the two days though, that lapsed between the error and the fix, the wall inspired deep thought. 
From straight on, it could be hard to notice. Sitting on the couch, however, and looking up revealed one perspective of incredibly noticeable “cover ups”, while inspecting it from the side showed quite another. 
It’s been over a month since the wall is back to it’s perfectly colored self, but I still find myself thinking about it. About how, beneath the seeming perfection there’s a color that doesn’t quite fit. Beneath that cover, there’s a layer of well sanded putty which is filling in holes. Flaws. Blemishes. Breaks… 
Like me. 
A very few, privileged people know the details of this particular hole.  For the sake of anonymouty and length though, I’ll change names and condense. 
I spent years and years begging God to send me a true friend. (I had friends, but those friendships only went “so” deep.) I wanted one who understood my darkness. One who would still love me in my light. In time I began to understand that it was my own semblance of porcupine quills which stopped this from happening. Self protection actually working as self hurt.  Go figure. Anyway, slowly I began to work on things. In the mean time my husband had a very good friend that he shares deep and personal things (about me) with. We’ll call this friend Tim. 
Well, after awhile Tim began to tell Chw things about his own wife, Kelly. I knew Kelly but we weren’t really friends. Tim and Chw concocted a plan that the four of us would hang out and Kelly and I could get to know each other. Both Tim and Chw thought that mine and Kelly’s darknesses were so similar, and our lights had so much in common that a deep friendship was a sure thing. {I don’t know what Tim shared with Kelly about this, but I do know that Chw told me all of this and the reasons why they thought this.} 
Moderately annoyed at my matchmaking husband, I went along. I actually gave Kelly a chance. I actually really loved Kelly. Kelly and I had all of the important stuff in common. We had a lot of fears in common and the more raw I allowed myself to be, the deeper I felt our friendship grew. Kelly became the keeper of secrets, the keeper of my brokeness (of sorts) and the same applied for me. When I reacted to a moment or thing, Kelly actually understood me. We’d been cultivated in dirt so similar… 
I knew, after time, that Kelly WAS that friend I had prayed for… 
Many moons of happy memories, moments, depth, etc. happened. I belonged. I had waited forever to connect and belong. Even better than having Kelly for me though, was that Tim and Kelly were awesome couple friends. Chw and I’s cups ran over. It was gloriously perfect, just like in the movies where couple friend brunch and date together. JUST LIKE THAT! 
I watched Kelly hurt and bad mouth a mutual friend. I heard Kelly’s side. I knew, loved and trusted Kelly. I couldn’t imagine my life without the intimacy of our friendship. OF COURSE I took Kelly’s side. One day, while talking to the mutual friend though, (who felt so shocked and abandoned by Kelly, whom she once considered a truly good friend) she warned me that it would happen to me too. 
I knew it wouldn’t. She was wrong. 
Kelly and I shared something two people shouldn’t share. A darkness two people shouldn’t know, but we did. 
Tim and Chw grew apart. Tim changed a little. It happens. 
Then, one day Kelly no longer returned phone calls. 
For a couple of years Kelly and I had done something every Tuesday. Sometimes it was morning, sometimes evening. One Tuesday Kelly stood me up. I found a long winded apology email waiting for me on Wednesday morning. I forgave. It happens. On Sunday though, a group of us were getting together for coffee and Kelly was late to show up. A mutual friend (different then the outcasted friend) was telling me about how, on Tuesday evening, Kelly had shown up at her house and hung out. How fun it was. When Kelly made it to the local coffee house i mentioned it- testing her. Cool as ice she stared me down and went on to talk about how great it had been. 
It was the beginning of the end, though the end was drawn out and heart breaking. I was excluded. I was gossiped about. I was taken advantage of and then stabbed in the back repetitively. I was replaced. Once, at a brunch, my own sister walked in on Kelly and my “replacement” completely badmouthing me. I extended grace and chance after chance because I clung to the Kelly I had known before she turned. When my life literally fell apart, I called Kelly and she was there for me for all of five minutes before turning snake like and making it worse. Worst of all was my daughter. My own daughter’s feelings were hurt by things that were said to (and around) her, about me. It wasn’t until I was far removed (geographically) from that social circle that I really saw how hurt and devastated my heart was, by Kelly. Over the past few years Chw and I have talked about how Kelly was more than likely the worst sort of villain because I did make myself vulnerable and trust her. 
And still, I see that I’m like my wall. 
I see her for who she is. I feel nauseous whenever I think of her. I’ve healed, in ways… 
But I haven’t been open like that since. 
And I feel vacant. 
Beneath the fresh paint and the putty, there’s a hole. I WANT that “you totally get me” friend. 
Not a Kelly though. Not a cartoon and shallow image that deceives people. 
I want a real and authentically good person to call my friend. We have friends. I have friends. We have good couple friends and friends we fly solo with. For me, it’s not the same. And I see my daughters not really intimately connecting with friends either. I see self preservation. I want more for them, than that. 
Truth be told, I want more for me. 
And when I’m really honest with myself, I really miss Kelly. 
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On Distance…

While i realize that I already posted today- I fell in love with this challenge. (that i just learned of today!)

GO

When I think of places… beautiful, far off places, my heart swoons. In such a respect- distance feels dreamy and romantic. full of hope. promising.
when I think of people though… dear friends who are far from me geographically- my heart aches. I ache. A drive which could fill hours feels like it may as well span oceans.
When I think of relationships- my heart cracks.
Distance.
Someone in the next room yet reaching out to them feels as impossible as stepping over, onto the next continent.
Distance.
Perspective.
Always. It ALWAYS comes back to perspective.
An end in sight can hold relief. Fear. Bitter sweet. Sweetly bitter. Bitter.
Between my heart and God- I want no distance. I want to be there, one reach away. Or in His arms.
Or something.
Anything that doesn’t feel like distance.

And i want to no longer dream of traveling off, into the foreign cultures and sunsets. I want to go. to do. I want dreams to become living. I want distance, of any sort- to be my new four letter word.

No more distance between where my heart longs to travel.
No more distance between other coastal friends… other state friends.
No more distance between him and i. her and i.
No more distance between myself and God…

STOP

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