Month: December 2013

The implosion of life vs. land mines…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay7 Comments

When did my life become so much mine?

I realize that is going to sound like a ridiculous question to some of you, but a few of you will absolutely get it. I spent much of yesterday doing prep work for our 26 acts of kindness and one of the things I’m doing is baking. I loathe to bake. I have a wonderful kitchen, beautiful baking supplies and time to do it. Less than ten years ago I never loathed it, in fact I think there was a time I loved it. I loved to keep the jar full of baked cookies for my family, and I loved to bake breads as well as desserts and things for others. I became a pretty great cheesecake baker, (the one thing I allow myself to brag about) and then somewhere along the way I just suddenly admitted or decided (I’m not really sure which it is, honestly) that I hated baking…

And now, now I rarely do it.

In fact, if it’s not something I love to do, I rarely do it. Even if it is something I enjoy doing, if I’m not in the mood to do it, I don’t. I love to cook and try new things but for the last few months 99% of our meals are rehashed (easy) recipes that are tried and true. I tell myself there is nothing wrong with that because my family loves them, but that’s not entirely true. There is something wrong with it because it’s lazy.

I feel exhausted all of the time, and so my excuse for everything is “I don’t feel like it.” I plan on baking, or trying a new recipe, or making a project, or rehashing that chapter in the novel- but then I don’t feel like it, so I don’t. The end. And suddenly months, and months and months have passed, I’m still in this uninspired, unproductive funk and see a string of opportunities missed. And it isn’t just baking, its photos taken (something I used to take thousands upon thousands of) or new things tried (something I never do anymore.)

Partly I blame 2012. If you were around here, or in our lives then, you know that was the year that really zapped a lot of life and goodness out of our family. I know I’ve struggled with depression, as a result of that year and the extreme stress/traumas of it. I’ve done counseling, tried medication and am left with realizing I need to pull myself out of my pit. {I’m not discrediting ALL depression as being “that simple”. I’m saying mine is.} I know where I am, I know where I need to be. How to get from here to there though, feels as overwhelming as hell… So I don’t try, because I don’t know how. Months and months and months pass.

I don’t know everything. I’m not an expert at much of anything, but I know that in this very moment I can go downstairs and put on some music. I can tie an apron around my waist and I can make some cookies. Do I want to? No. Maybe the problem all along has been that I’ve grown to accustomed to focussing on what I want or feel like anyway. When I put a ring on my finger and became someones mother, it wasn’t about me anymore.

Spreading kindness…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay5 Comments

sandy-hook-ribbon

Back home, in Boise, everyone is posting on Facebook and Twitter about all of the snow the weekend brought them. I’ve been texted and emailed photos of kids playing and building snow friends. We have snow here, but nothing like it seems most others stateside have.

As we’ve only been in Michigan for 9 months, I’m still a bit awe-struck with just how much our lives have changed. Just around the corner from another major holiday, life sort of screams the obviousness of it. Self pity once again sets in, but then I remember this exact week last year and all forms of self-pity stop.

On December 14, 2012, I was stocking stuffer shopping while Genny wrapped up a Science lab class. I had just gotten in the car and was headed to wait for her 8th grade lab to get out when my NPR station started broadcasting about the Sandy Hook shooting. As reports came in about teachers barricading their classes in bathrooms, or other teachers laying their lives down as shields for innocent children, my heart shattered. Through the window I could see a class of laughing 7th and 8th graders taking sheer pleasure out of learning, while flooding the air around me was unimaginable agony. Just over a week before the day most children deem the most magical day of the year- parents lost babies, children are scarred with images of best friends bloodied and gone forever. Christmas ruined, December ruined. Life altered and never, ever, ever the same again.

There is so much evil in the world. We hear about it all of the time. We decided, as a family, to try to be a kindness. Are we perfect? No. Do we fail? Sure. But we try.

Last year we successfully (though it was a STRUGGLE) managed 26 random acts of love/kindness in memory of those 26 lives taken in Sandy Hook. It was such a memorable, (emotional, rewarding and honestly, a little difficult) experience that we decided to continue the tradition as a part of our Christmas advent season.

It doesn’t cost much to spread love and be kind, and it costs nothing to remember… But to the world, who sometimes forgets too easily, it can be more meaningful than we could ever imagine. Will you join us by spreading kindness and love this week?

“What about this hat, with that coat you’ve never seen?”

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay5 Comments

Yesterday I had to pick up some cotton swabs and a box of cards. While at Target, I perused the aisles a bit. Since I’m still new to the lifestyle of no longer homeschooling, I thought it would be lovely to relish in the “me” time of browsing, but it wasn’t. With every aisle turn, my annoyance grew…

While I no longer have a little girl to clothe, I immediately felt sorry for the young, frazzled mom who was just trying to fit her distracted daughter for a dress for the school program. In all fairness, her daughter was distracted because Target had placed an entire Barbie display in the girl’s clothing department. Really, Target? Do you think some parent is going to go Christmas shopping for their child, in the clothing department and not even consider the toy department? Talk about selling your customers short. It’s not even good product placement…

Speaking of product placement and half of the reason I was there in the first place: cards. Um… What the heck? I don’t know if it’s just this new-to-is store, or all of them, but this is the first time EVER that I’ve seen the Christmas cards consume less shelf space/options than the tissue paper. Not to mention that the Christmas cards were in the farthest back corner or the store, next to the bagged snow.

Adding to this a customer service system that is deeply flawed (and short-staffed), a beyond inconsiderate woman who, with her card full of groceries and Rubbermaid bins, decided to have a fashion show of winter head-gear for the customer service rep- so as to get her opinion as to which pieces to buy to go with her coat THAT WAS AT HOME, and then proceeded to check out (in customer service) with her card full of then-room-temp groceries, leaving the ten of us in line to curse under our breaths while she talked on and on about why she was returning her copy of Ender’s Game.

I decided that maybe, for many months of the year, Target may be this magical refuge of a retail oasis. In December however, I suspect it’s akin to some kind of hell. People are rude, consumerism (from both sides of the spectrum) is nauseating and best to be avoided. If you feel I owe you a Christmas gift, and a home-baked good won’t suffice, please, enjoy some cotton swabs… or cross your fingers that I might redeem myself around your birthday because this girl is done with shopping until mid- January.

Color by numbers…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

November in statistics would look like this, for me:

Chai lattes drank: 7

Mainstream Movies watched: 14

Hallmark Holiday (Christmas, Thanksgiving) movies watched: 7

Photos taken with my iPhone: 198

Photos taken with my Canon: 0 {Wah Wah}

Creative, artsy projects done: 0

Percentage of Christmas shopping completed: 90%

Items baked: 3 {oh! progress!}

Books read: 2

Times accidentally set off home security system: 1

Super stressful work projects: 2

Surgical procedures: 1

Doctors visits: 12 {must work on this.}

By the numbers, there are some definite disappointments. Must rectify a few of these immediately. Aim to read at least 3 books in december, take photos with my Canon, see my doctor significantly less, have ZERO surgical procedures, bake more, do something creative more… Three cheers for creativity! Hip Hip Hurrah!

Overall, November was kind of a tough month and I’m breathing a bit easier with it over. Things just feel, oh I don’t know, lighter perhaps… I’m really thankful it wasn’t rough because of anything worse though, we’ve had dear friends really going through some incredibly difficult things these past few weeks. It hasn’t escaped me for a second how un-complain worthy my life is. I’m in control of these numbers, I decide them. Here’s to better numbers and some peace.