The ugly truth of adoption…

In the media lately there have been a lot of stories about heinous acts of child abuse. Each story feels a bit worse than the last, and my heart aches for these kids and what they’ve gone through. I ache for them because I’ve parented and loved hurt kids whose childhoods were marred, scarred and pretty much obliterated by selfish people whose cruelty out lives their humanity through the shaping of these kid’s lives…

There was one article though, that really struck a chord with me. Before I address the parents or the Pearl’s book, let me reiterate that this little girl was adopted. I imagine most people who read this and be unable to comprehend why someone who wanted to go to the trouble (and extreme expense) of adoption would wind up abusing (or in this case murdering) their child. Those same people may even question whether people who could do that (adopt then abuse and eventually murder) were just sick individuals, wishing to torture a child.

Let me preface what I’m about to say with this: there ARE sick people who adopt and foster kids with the intent of hurting them, just like there are sick people who have their own biological children with that intent, and just like there are those same types of people who steal other people’s children with the same wicked and evil intentions…

HOWEVER- I do not think this girl’s parent’s fit that category.

There is this beautiful spotlight put on adoption and what an amazing thing it is, in this country. There are beautiful agencies with designer waiting rooms, and hundreds of books. The month of November is national adoption month. Celebrities adopt children from all over the world and it’s this beautiful example of something so amazing and non-racially unifying. People cry and the general consensus is that adoption makes the world a better place.

We have news spots for foster kids waiting for adoptions and foundations talking about all of their children waiting for families. There are organizations talking of orphanages on foreign soil, so full of children who just need love.

Here’s the ugly truth about adoption: these kids don’t JUST need love. They need a whole lot more than love. And these parents? They need a lot too. They need unconditional love, support and understanding. They need for their friends to keep calling, and loving on them, even when they don’t understand. They need for the general public and church members to not sit in judgement because their adopted children don’t just blend right in. These parents need people to listen to them, to hug them, to offer to help out. These parents need people to get to know their kids and to form a community of love and support for their whole family…

But more often than not, this isn’t what happens.

Friends do stop calling, because they just don’t understand. People do judge. They see the kids as bad influences for their children because they lie, or steal, (or worse) and the parents always look exhausted and frustrated. Somehow these types of people don’t fit in the happy idea of what a lot of people want their schools, churches, social circles and communities to look like so they are shunned in subtle (and not so subtle) ways…

Once celebrated for adopting, the now isolated and broken parents are at the end of their ropes emotionally and mentally. Abandoned themselves, they have a child (or children) who has the manipulative IQ of an adult mastermind, who underhands them at every corner, and has worn them thin and bled them dry. Desperate to regain and heal their family, they turn to books and professionals. Books like the Pearl’s book…

Like a dehydrated man dying for thirst, wouldn’t he go for the poison out of ignorance, if it was there and he was desperate and he believed it would save his life and quench his thirst?

The solution isn’t to wait until children are dead, and punish the hell out of parents. The solution is not to regulate even stricter adoption laws. The biggest problem is the middle… it’s the preparing the parents for the reality of what it will look like, with these kids, and then supporting the hell out of them through both the beautiful and the gritty and disgusting moments… The sad reality is that even the number of mental health professionals equipped to help are so small in number, and so astronomically expensive that they are out of reach. What other choices are left, but turn to crazy people like the Pearls, who are exploiting broken and desperate parents with their sadistic propaganda?

Alright… this was long. If you hung on, until the end, thank you… It’s something we really need to know about it and learn about and FIX. We do, the people… So we can save families, lessen the power of people like the Pearls, and stop things like this from happening… Because here’s what I can tell you, and I know this FIRST HAND- there are desperate and broken families out there and they need us to stop judging them, stop ignoring them and just LOVE and embrace them before it’s too late…

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6 thoughts on “The ugly truth of adoption…

  1. You are so right. Reading that story….just made my heart hurt. I do believe that if people know better, they can do better. (well, unless they are truly evil inside) I just pray that there are more GOOD things happening than bad. But damn, the bad is really really bad. :(

    1. We aren’t facebook friends but I have this whole discussion going on, on a FB thread… the thing is, (like in this case) I honestly don’t think that if these people were evil and wanted to hurt/murder a child, they would A.) buy a book about it, and then B.) leave the body in the yard. It’s obvious they were broken and desperate for some help. WOLVES in sheep clothing… I hope someone is able to stop the Pearls!

  2. Hi Misty (Rainyday),

    Thanks for your thoughts on here. Adoption is something many of our friends and family have done, and we’ve been privileged to be part of it through them. Some roads have been harder than others, or had harder seasons. Do you guys have adopted kids too?

    Thanks for your comment on my post “A Cosmic Wager.”
    Revisions are necessary when a blogpost hunts you down all day, huh? Thanks for wrestling with me, and for counting gifts alongside.

    I am bringing that notebook out everyday now again, trying to retrain my mind…

    Blessings,
    Jennifer Dougan
    http://www.jenniferdougan.com

    1. Jennifer, yes… And through the community we’ve come to know many families who’ve had similar journeys to ours, as well as easier ones and more difficulties…

      On Tue, Nov 19, 2013 at 3:38 PM, rainydayinmay

  3. Holy moly, Misty … those were some heavy reads. The Pearls book is just beyond horrible; I can’t even believe something like this is allowed to be.

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