Month: February 2011

Sometimes the accent says it best…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay10 Comments
Cup of tea in hand, I am writing to you with a British accent to tell you how pleased I am with the King’s Speech. Truly, truly gloriously thrilled… And yes, congratulations abound to the other winners as well. But to Colin most specifically, I love you…
Moving on- life is funny sometimes. By funny I do not mean comically funny, (though it is sometimes that) as much as ironic, or what have you. Back in January when I decided to devote February to this challenge of loving my family, life looked one specific way and today, as this month comes to a close, it looks entirely different. Some 28 days ago, I was more happy-go-lucky and less deep-in-thought. Some twenty-eight days ago, it was just Chw, Genny and I dancing our way through this silly house. We were teetering on the edge of becoming foster parents and stepping our way towards adopting again. My mother was pre-opping for a surgery that would restore her quality of life and my older two kids were moving along on their separate paths towards greatness. 
Things were good. 
Today I am processing from a weekend where my mother ended up in the ER following a 21 day journey which has led her through over a week in ICU, three weeks of delirium and confusion, dangerously low bouts of blood pressure and oxygen, touch and go nights, a transition into a rehabilitation program and lastly a pulmonary embolism landing her back in the hospital.. . The common question on our minds, these days, whenever my mom comes to mind is: Will she ever be the same again? Her again? Thus far, there are no answers, only head scratching. 
Also, over this weekend, my oldest daughter moved home. Although this sounds ordinary enough, anyone who truly knows our family knows this was a development no one saw coming. On an entirely different note, a dear girl who nannied for us last year is also coming to stay with us for a time. A quiet house of three, (except for the two noisy dogs) is about to get quite full, and much to Chw’s dismay, incredibly estrogen filled. 
Major developments and changes are coming to the lives of our nieces and nephews, whom we love as our own. Some heartbreakingly sad (for us), some wonderful… All in all, it’s tough to be here in the sidelines… 
And then, there is the matter of my Sunday afternoon coffee with my future daughter in law. She is beautiful and bright, and as awkward as the circumstances may be, meeting her was a highlight. She has a 2 year old son that Chw & I also look forward to getting to know, even if our son is serving in the Army away from home. It’s a strange idea, getting to know his someday bride and stepson, especially when ninety-nine percent of their relationship has been long distance. Then again, it’s a strange idea that, at 34, I could be this little boy’s step-grandmother. That’s the funny thing, I guess, about our journey of loving and being blessed with kids who are not biologically ours. Though, don’t burst Genny’s bubble if you run into her and she tries to flaunt that my son was born when I was thirteen years old. She likes to make us sound so controversial… ;) 
I’ve been looking at my family quite a bit, this weekend. Even if, from a distance… Looking at my amazingly strong husband; at my brave and maturing son; at my beautiful daughter with her responsibility and stubborness and at adorable little Genny, who put on eye liner at a sleepover and looked less adorable and way less little when we picked her up- sadly… I’ve been looking at my mom, and her life… Looking at my sister and her children. Lots of looking… Lots of gratitude… Lots of loving. 
I am blessed. Amidst the ICU and Emergency Room phone calls, amidst the long distance threats of deployment and awkward Starbucks introductions, I am blessed… 
Today I will, in my 28th day of this challenge: 
– Keep looking. Keep thanking. Keep loving… 
My entire family completes me, grows me, matures me and makes me a better person- every day. Every single thing about me that you might find good is because of my husband and/or these kids… 
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He’s still my leading man…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay8 Comments
Last night while I was cruising around town with my man, I had the panicked realization that this would be the last weekend to shower my family with love. How horrible is that? In all actuality, it’s merely the last weekend of the challenge… hmm… at any rate, it’s also Oscar weekend and, as we know- that’s a pretty stinkin’ big deal in my world of shallow movie obsessions. 
Case in point, my girl friend is coming up to take care of some business, from California. When she shared her weekend travel plans with me, my first thought was What?!?!? you leave home on Oscar weekend??? I am ashamed of what you must thing of me now… 
Genny was hanging out with some friends, which spurred my cruising around town date. It had originally been a date to (finally) see the Fighter, but show times weren’t lining up. It then morphed into a bowling date- but the wait time at the lanes cramped our style and we ended up grabbing a quick dinner and perusing the aisles of Le’ Target Boutique… 
Ooh La La, tres’ glamour… 
The highlight was, most definitely, convincing Chw to try on this leprechaun novelty hat/beard thing. I laughed until tears flooded my face, it was so fantastic. He, however, became doubled over in laughter (influenced completely from my hysterics) and removed the ensemble. I did convince him to try it on one more time for a photo op with his iPhone.  He was opposed to me taking a photo, for fear of me broadcasting it to the entire world- but at least a photo (for now) exists… 
Since he wouldn’t give me blog photo fodder to share, alas’ I am forced to interrupt these last challenge days to share with you a few hopes and predictions…

Lead Actor: Colin Firth (of course…)
Lead Actress: Natalie Portman
Supporting Actor: Christian Bale (he’s the one who looks like Jesus… At least last we saw, and acts like Satan.) 
Supporting Actress: Melissa Leo
Animated: Toy Story 3
Director: David Fincher, Social Network
Editing: 127 Hours
Foreign Language: Biutiful (this is more what i Want, not what I think will win…)
Screenplay, adapted: 127 Hours
Screenplay, original: the King’s Speech
Film: 127 hours (personally, the BEST film, of the 10, that I saw… I would also be thrilled if The King’s Speech won… If Social Network wins I will scream. This is a brilliant film, but nothing in comparison…)

Just watch… Social Network will win.
Sigh... 

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There’s no place like home…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay5 Comments
I guess I am a slow learner because, years ago, while complaining about some annoying habit or phase Chw was in, someone older and much wiser assured me that someday I would grow to not even notice… 
And it’s true. 
{Don’t get me wrong- the way he eats ice cream still drives me about crazy, but I simply stare intently at the clock as the minutes tick by until he is done- and then I breathe easy and move on with life.} 
But really, I genuinely enjoy being with him. There are days when simply sharing a sitcom with him feels like true, quality time. When a day, (like yesterday) doesn’t go well at all, just calling him and talking to him really does help. I can’t explain it. There are days, (again, yesterday) when I just can’t wait for him to walk in the door. I fit perfectly into his embrace, my head rests perfectly below his shoulder and when he takes me in his arms, I know I am home. 
I can think of a billion reasons why I love him, how I genuinely appreciate him and things that set him apart from other guys. Every day I am overcome with gratitude for him and almost overwhelmed by how much I love him and how tender our relationship is. 
It’s a really good place to be. 
That being said, it wasn’t always like this. Once we reconciled from our divorce, our issues from before (sans the affair) were still there. We had horrible relational skills. He was quick to anger and violent out bursts, while I had a venomous, wicked tongue. There were days when I knew we’d never reach a milestone anniversary. He was a man who was willingly work obsessed, made easier by the fact that his job was incredibly demanding. Feeling completely abandoned, (partially because there were lingering scars and feelings from our divorce and the reasons behind it.) I clung to a friendship with an ex of mine. Being his friend was not a mistake. It has been two years since we’ve had any interaction, and I still attest to that. I miss his friendship, he’s a super cool guy. At any rate, I made a lot of mistakes in our friendship- most of which were relying on him for my emotional support and acceptance, something I should have received from my husband. I need to clarify, this was nothing remotely adulterous… It would never have ended my marriage… I take complete responsibility for all of it… I made mistakes. Ones that were made out of the best of intentions, (i.e. I trusted him, so if I had a bad day or needed someone, I’d go to him.) simply attempting to meet a human emotional need with what was a genuine, natural, and familiar connection. Chw knew of our friendship, and that I talked to him about a lot. There were no secrets, or betrayals. Chw later admitted to me that he was completely fine with it, because it left him free to focus on work. 
Work. Which provided, in the ways he needed, the same outlet for him. 
Just as having this friendship wasn’t the source of the problem for me, (nor was my friend at fault) work was not the source of the problem for Chw. 
I know of THREE marriages that have ended, since Christmas, due to emotional affairs. And statistically, there are a lot more. This is just people I either know, or know of through friends… 
My point with all of this is that we have to keep ourselves transparent and available to our spouse. Even if we feel they are giving the best of themselves to someone else. (and I’m NOT talking about an affair. I’m talking about preventing affairs…) I fully believe the very best way to safeguard a marriage- and the only way mine has become what it has- is to be completely present and raw with your husband. 
Now, it is that emotional intimacy between us that keeps me present and connected to my life. This somehow flows into our kids and our other friendships and familiships. And honestly, even when my friend would be there for me, it never felt like what I needed, which frustrated me. It never pacified me, and that only added to the frustration and emptiness i felt. Though it would never have happened between he and I, i do see how an affair could be born out of a similar situation… Having friends, or a demanding career you love, can be great- but if we are not completely aware of everything we do in those things, and don’t make it a point to truly connect with our spouse (on a different level)- we will ruin our marriage. Maybe it won’t end in divorce, but what kind of a marriage is an empty and contentless one? Nothing but a shell… 
My husband is my home. My husband feels like home. Good days, bad days… But we both worked our asses off, to get to this place and it takes work to stay here… 
Today, in my 28 day challenge, I will: 
– go on a date with my husband, and HAVE FUN! 
– laugh with him. 
– listen to his day. 
– tell him how much I appreciate him and thank him, in a non- generic way, for the things he does… 

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And I landed flat on my face…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments
I day dream, sometimes, about leading a brilliantly balanced lifestyle. I manage to stay in touch with all of my friends and family, while also maintaining a well organized home. My blog, in said daydreams, is always maintained with quality posts and my personal writing blossoms throughout regimented productivity. I got to thinking about it, this morning though, and how one dimensional these imaginings truly are. In them, there are no middle-of-the-night emergency phone calls. No emotionally damaged children wreaking havoc on my day. In them, my husband is happy and supportive because his job is not only something he loves, but something he feels good about…

Why do I feel like, as the woman, wife and mom, that it is my sole responsibility to maintain balance and peace around our home? Is that the way it actually is, because I’ve chosen to stay home- even though I maintain some fragment of a career? Is that a societal pressure? Because, last night, with set back nine-hundred-trillion, resulting from my daughters attachment disorder- it felt like my personal failure.

I sat down and watched Chopped, in the middle of the evening, and guilt rained down on me. There was laundry (already folded) to put away… There was a muffin pan (soaking) to wash. I texted my girlfriend, who also loves Chopped, and asked her if she was watching it. When she confirmed that no, she wasn’t because she was busy doing something important (note- NOT how she said it, or exactly what she said) I felt even worse.

I don’t know how to do it all… How to be it all…

Does my husband feel that way too? I can not imagine the stress he’s carrying, from his job. He has a hard job. Quite possibly the hardest he’s ever had. He left quite a luxurious position to end up here, and he did it for me and our kids. To my face, he’s never admitted he regrets it, but I’ve seen moments where it may be etched in his expression. Does he dream of balance and take on every setback of Genny or I as his own personal failure?

Today, in my 28 day challenge, I will:
– Ask my husband this question.
– try to empathize with his position more…
– breathe deeply and try to let go of the stresses so that I can be a better me, for my family… 

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