And I landed flat on my face…

I day dream, sometimes, about leading a brilliantly balanced lifestyle. I manage to stay in touch with all of my friends and family, while also maintaining a well organized home. My blog, in said daydreams, is always maintained with quality posts and my personal writing blossoms throughout regimented productivity. I got to thinking about it, this morning though, and how one dimensional these imaginings truly are. In them, there are no middle-of-the-night emergency phone calls. No emotionally damaged children wreaking havoc on my day. In them, my husband is happy and supportive because his job is not only something he loves, but something he feels good about…

Why do I feel like, as the woman, wife and mom, that it is my sole responsibility to maintain balance and peace around our home? Is that the way it actually is, because I’ve chosen to stay home- even though I maintain some fragment of a career? Is that a societal pressure? Because, last night, with set back nine-hundred-trillion, resulting from my daughters attachment disorder- it felt like my personal failure.

I sat down and watched Chopped, in the middle of the evening, and guilt rained down on me. There was laundry (already folded) to put away… There was a muffin pan (soaking) to wash. I texted my girlfriend, who also loves Chopped, and asked her if she was watching it. When she confirmed that no, she wasn’t because she was busy doing something important (note- NOT how she said it, or exactly what she said) I felt even worse.

I don’t know how to do it all… How to be it all…

Does my husband feel that way too? I can not imagine the stress he’s carrying, from his job. He has a hard job. Quite possibly the hardest he’s ever had. He left quite a luxurious position to end up here, and he did it for me and our kids. To my face, he’s never admitted he regrets it, but I’ve seen moments where it may be etched in his expression. Does he dream of balance and take on every setback of Genny or I as his own personal failure?

Today, in my 28 day challenge, I will:
– Ask my husband this question.
– try to empathize with his position more…
– breathe deeply and try to let go of the stresses so that I can be a better me, for my family…