marriage

There’s no place like home…

I guess I am a slow learner because, years ago, while complaining about some annoying habit or phase Chw was in, someone older and much wiser assured me that someday I would grow to not even notice… 
And it’s true. 
{Don’t get me wrong- the way he eats ice cream still drives me about crazy, but I simply stare intently at the clock as the minutes tick by until he is done- and then I breathe easy and move on with life.} 
But really, I genuinely enjoy being with him. There are days when simply sharing a sitcom with him feels like true, quality time. When a day, (like yesterday) doesn’t go well at all, just calling him and talking to him really does help. I can’t explain it. There are days, (again, yesterday) when I just can’t wait for him to walk in the door. I fit perfectly into his embrace, my head rests perfectly below his shoulder and when he takes me in his arms, I know I am home. 
I can think of a billion reasons why I love him, how I genuinely appreciate him and things that set him apart from other guys. Every day I am overcome with gratitude for him and almost overwhelmed by how much I love him and how tender our relationship is. 
It’s a really good place to be. 
That being said, it wasn’t always like this. Once we reconciled from our divorce, our issues from before (sans the affair) were still there. We had horrible relational skills. He was quick to anger and violent out bursts, while I had a venomous, wicked tongue. There were days when I knew we’d never reach a milestone anniversary. He was a man who was willingly work obsessed, made easier by the fact that his job was incredibly demanding. Feeling completely abandoned, (partially because there were lingering scars and feelings from our divorce and the reasons behind it.) I clung to a friendship with an ex of mine. Being his friend was not a mistake. It has been two years since we’ve had any interaction, and I still attest to that. I miss his friendship, he’s a super cool guy. At any rate, I made a lot of mistakes in our friendship- most of which were relying on him for my emotional support and acceptance, something I should have received from my husband. I need to clarify, this was nothing remotely adulterous… It would never have ended my marriage… I take complete responsibility for all of it… I made mistakes. Ones that were made out of the best of intentions, (i.e. I trusted him, so if I had a bad day or needed someone, I’d go to him.) simply attempting to meet a human emotional need with what was a genuine, natural, and familiar connection. Chw knew of our friendship, and that I talked to him about a lot. There were no secrets, or betrayals. Chw later admitted to me that he was completely fine with it, because it left him free to focus on work. 
Work. Which provided, in the ways he needed, the same outlet for him. 
Just as having this friendship wasn’t the source of the problem for me, (nor was my friend at fault) work was not the source of the problem for Chw. 
I know of THREE marriages that have ended, since Christmas, due to emotional affairs. And statistically, there are a lot more. This is just people I either know, or know of through friends… 
My point with all of this is that we have to keep ourselves transparent and available to our spouse. Even if we feel they are giving the best of themselves to someone else. (and I’m NOT talking about an affair. I’m talking about preventing affairs…) I fully believe the very best way to safeguard a marriage- and the only way mine has become what it has- is to be completely present and raw with your husband. 
Now, it is that emotional intimacy between us that keeps me present and connected to my life. This somehow flows into our kids and our other friendships and familiships. And honestly, even when my friend would be there for me, it never felt like what I needed, which frustrated me. It never pacified me, and that only added to the frustration and emptiness i felt. Though it would never have happened between he and I, i do see how an affair could be born out of a similar situation… Having friends, or a demanding career you love, can be great- but if we are not completely aware of everything we do in those things, and don’t make it a point to truly connect with our spouse (on a different level)- we will ruin our marriage. Maybe it won’t end in divorce, but what kind of a marriage is an empty and contentless one? Nothing but a shell… 
My husband is my home. My husband feels like home. Good days, bad days… But we both worked our asses off, to get to this place and it takes work to stay here… 
Today, in my 28 day challenge, I will
– go on a date with my husband, and HAVE FUN! 
– laugh with him. 
– listen to his day. 
– tell him how much I appreciate him and thank him, in a non- generic way, for the things he does… 

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5 thoughts on “There’s no place like home…”

  1. This is so inspirational to me. I find that hubby and I fall into this grey area all the time. Work, kids, everything takes precedence these days.REading this just reminds me that I need to work harder.

  2. So happy to hear that your work has paid off and that your relationship is so special. This tribute to your husband and your feelings is very sweet, and so authentic. Thank you for sharing it.

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