Category: Misc.

So i will be the first to admit that i have been an ultra crappy blogger this month. I am sorry. to say that it has been a “big” month, is kind of an understatement. Not only are we dealing with the court/legal stuff with our daughter, which I’m not really going to get into here- but personally it’s been a huge month. 

If you have read Rainy Day in May for any length of time, you may remember a post around last March, in which I mentioned a deeply rooted dream that I had, when I was a teenager. 

In said dream I knew, to my core, that I would never have a baby. 

I knew that my someday-husband would leave and divorce me before I was 25. 

I knew that i wouldn’t live past 35. 

As a teen who knew everything, the dream stayed with me like some secret fear BUT i never believed it… 

Until my first miscarriage at 17. 

And my second, at 18. 

And the four to follow. 

In the years between 17 and 23, i was hospitalized numerous times and seldom had amazing health. When my husband (of 5 years) left me for another girl, at age 23- I was slowly starting to fear the dream. 

At age 24 I had a complete hysterectomy. 

Two out of three… 

Naturally, though I ached to not believe it, I feared the third. 

In 2009 i was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer. The diagnosis later proved to be false, BUT it didn’t matter because the 5 months that we were neck deep in all of that season were terrifying and I knew that was it. 

In the summer of 2011, when I got a cold that turned into what my doctor called “Death Pneumonia”, I was sure I was on my way out. Here we are, 7 months later and I am not even close to being better. There were so many achy and truthfully frightening nights, several months ago, when I was sure I’d never see morning. The dream would win. again. 

Today is friday. Friday March 30th. Two days ago I turned 36. THIRTY SIX is, as we all know, past 35. 

I woke up yesterday morning and was shocked at how I felt. there are no words… Almost as if I’ve been released from some invisible bondage. I can’t tell you guys how different I feel. It’s in-explainable. 

New lease on life. A freer lease on life. I never thought yesterday, and especially not today, would come. I have cheated my way out of cancer twice, and pneumonia once. Maybe things could have been different- but it doesn’t matter. 

:) Just had to share…  

Seldom do even the tiniest things work out like I expect. Does your life work out like that too? 

Take this winter, for instance… While I wasn’t necessarily surprised by our lack of a white Christmas, I am finding myself pretty disappointed to glance up towards snowless mountains in the middle of January. Already, months before fire season, we are already dreading the air quality we are facing- as well as the lack of supreme camping access… 

Things like that. 

Or like bad RAD days with Gen. Or things my kids do that disappoint me. Or unexpected bills. Emergency medical crap… 

that’s the thing about the unexpected though- we have no idea when it will happen (or in some cases, not happen) or how… but flowers almost always grow from the rotted dirt, at least in some form. Beauty is there, stemming from the ugly- I am just realizing it is up to me to see it. 

Between you and I though, I am struggling with the snow thing. A good chunk of the reason is fear… Fearful of how hellish the summer smoke will make breathing. 

Mostly though, it’s because I had such high hopes/plans of photo opportunities with the glorious white blankets of lovely. *sigh* Guess my secret is out- i am super shallow. 

Also, i worry about how badly the lack of winter bliss is affecting our economy. 

But mostly, it’s the lack of photo ops… 

Silver lining? Sunny, April-like afternoons. But still. 

p.s. Come July, get your guest rooms ready (as long as the air quality at your place is breathable) because i’m coming…

This morning I logged on to facebook and saw more than one status update talking about how sad and alone that person was feeling. It made me sad… 

We are entering into the loneliest and most hopelessly felt season of the year. People are facing divorces, unemployment, ailing parents/grandparents/children, foreclosure, their own failing health and deployment of a spouse or child and countless other sadnesses. I hate to know when people I care about are aching or feeling empty. 

At the same time though, i logged on to comments on a silly facebook status that I had about my husband. Even though I’d been present for the 80+ comment conversation late last night, (as had Chw… it wasn’t anything behind his back.) the major coolness of it hadn’t really dawned on me until this morning. There we were, having this banter with friends from here in Idaho, a friend from Seattle, a friend from West Virginia and a friend from Germany. Even the biggest Facebook hater has to admit that is a pretty cool thing. 

So, this morning as my heart weighs in with sadness for some, it felt a little light and upbeat leftover from last night’s talk. And that’s really how it works, though standing in the core of the sadness- it’s kind of near to impossible to realize it. Those of us who’ve lost loved ones do find a way to live beyond it. People who lose jobs, do find them. People who are losing homes will be in that place only temporarily. I mean, while Chw and I are still FAR TOO jaded to consider buying a home- we have good friends from our old neighborhood who lost their home at the same exact time we did. They just closed on a great (HUGE) house… Sure, the other part sucked- but I think we have to remember that these hard times are but a season- as are the great ones. i think the most important thing is to remember we aren’t alone. There are people who care- and even if we look around and see no one- there’s ALWAYS Facebook. :) 

That’s my moral for the day. And great life circumstances or utterly crappy ones- today I am choosing to be happy. Happiness is a choice…

Actually, i don’t carry a purse. I carry a handbag. I just think it sounds better. Purse is something one does with their lips when thinking, or criticizing… My best friend carries a pocketbook, which incidently is something I feel I carry in my handbag, to write in. 

I’m special… 

Anyway, last week when I got the last minute call to head down to the federal building where my daughter Amanda was swearing in for the Reserves, i made the rash decision to dump out my handbag so that it only contained my wallet and my canon rebel. You know, I take pictures of everything, and it just seemed easier when considering security. 

Hours later, when we got home, Genny glances the bar where my handbags insides sat piled high and she laughed- “Is that what came out of your purse? Really? You should kinda tone it down to one or two of each.” 

I totally see what she’s saying…

*DISCLAIMER… I am moderately embarrassed… I feel like this post leaves my OCD tendencies completely vulnerable- until the last photo anyway, when I have a ridiculous amount of unnoticed hair lingering on my hair tie… *sigh*

Better safe than sorry, right? 

What do you A) call your handbag, and B) carry too much of, wherever you go? 

I’ve blogged before about the special characteristics of my youngest. As much as we can’t ever understand her RAD condition- we do understand her RAD. We get that- as complicated as it is- it influences her in caged-animal ways. 

These days are tough. 

I am trying to so hard to examine her with grace. I really am trying hard. 

But things are getting ugly. 

For Halloween she wants to be a Zombie bride. 

These days she is resembling more of Zombie princess…