maybe not poetic, but certainly probational…

So i will be the first to admit that i have been an ultra crappy blogger this month. I am sorry. to say that it has been a “big” month, is kind of an understatement. Not only are we dealing with the court/legal stuff with our daughter, which I’m not really going to get into here- but personally it’s been a huge month. 
If you have read Rainy Day in May for any length of time, you may remember a post around last March, in which I mentioned a deeply rooted dream that I had, when I was a teenager. 
In said dream I knew, to my core, that I would never have a baby. 
I knew that my someday-husband would leave and divorce me before I was 25. 
I knew that i wouldn’t live past 35. 
As a teen who knew everything, the dream stayed with me like some secret fear BUT i never believed it… 
Until my first miscarriage at 17. 
And my second, at 18. 
And the four to follow. 
In the years between 17 and 23, i was hospitalized numerous times and seldom had amazing health. When my husband (of 5 years) left me for another girl, at age 23- I was slowly starting to fear the dream. 
At age 24 I had a complete hysterectomy. 
Two out of three… 
Naturally, though I ached to not believe it, I feared the third. 
In 2009 i was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer. The diagnosis later proved to be false, BUT it didn’t matter because the 5 months that we were neck deep in all of that season were terrifying and I knew that was it. 
In the summer of 2011, when I got a cold that turned into what my doctor called “Death Pneumonia”, I was sure I was on my way out. Here we are, 7 months later and I am not even close to being better. There were so many achy and truthfully frightening nights, several months ago, when I was sure I’d never see morning. The dream would win. again. 
Today is friday. Friday March 30th. Two days ago I turned 36. THIRTY SIX is, as we all know, past 35. 
I woke up yesterday morning and was shocked at how I felt. there are no words… Almost as if I’ve been released from some invisible bondage. I can’t tell you guys how different I feel. It’s in-explainable. 
New lease on life. A freer lease on life. I never thought yesterday, and especially not today, would come. I have cheated my way out of cancer twice, and pneumonia once. Maybe things could have been different- but it doesn’t matter. 
:) Just had to share…  
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4 thoughts on “maybe not poetic, but certainly probational…

  1. Well, shoot, girl. I'm glad you're still around so I can soon hug your 36 year old, still living, self in real life! Breathe it in, breath it out. You're still here for a reason!

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