marriage – Page 30

Slow learning, since 1976…

Published on May 30, 2014May 30, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay6 Comments

What I’ve learned in May is kind of a tricky topic. I feel it’s likely, on any given day, that I could have a varying degree of answers. One day I’d tell you that I learned to master the most amazing sandwich recipe, the next I’d cry into my sourdough bread and tell you how I’ve learned nothing and I’m a huge failure, doomed to repeat the same disastrous mistakes day after day.

I live with a fifteen year old girl, who is the barometer of our house. I’ve learned this.

I kind of, sort of, pretty much, definitely hate it. {learned that too.}

In all seriousness, it’s been a tough month. My instinct is to lay it all out for you and prove to you that I’m a failure as a wife, mother, writer and _________ (insert every other area here), but the truth is, I’ve learned the damage thinking such things can do. While yes, it has become painstakingly clear that I am not an awesome mom because apparently awesome moms have their stuff figured it by now, I have learned that I daily become more and more of the person I’m destined to be. Labeling all of my steps along this journey, until this moment, as failure only sounds spoiled and ungrateful.

I already knew I didn’t want to be that…

I’ve learned that love is patient. Most of us know that. It’s something ingrained into our brains and yet, I’m only really starting to understand what that truly means. I’ve learned that saying “no” to the stuff we should say no to is tough, and saying “yes” to the stuff we should agree to is even tougher. This realization hit me like a Mack truck to the face, and I still think it sucks, but something about knowing it helps me when I’m faced with the question and that’s a good thing.

I’ve learned that intentional dating is an awesome thing to do with my husband, but sometimes life is heavy and hard and we just need to escape and zone out at the movies together. Feeling guilty for that isn’t healthy.

I tried to learn to make fried chicken again. (the last time was 20 years ago.) I will not try again. I realize there is nothing healthy about fried chicken but I grew up on fried chicken picnics and Chw grew up on Sunday fried chicken dinners. Nostalgia inspired me to try it again. I did learn that I’m a really great cook, when it comes to some things, and fried chicken is not one of them. I am ok with this…

Regarding writing, and working from home, May has been quite an educational month. I’ve learned I work better when I’m working. Novel concept, (no pun intended) I know. It’s that simply, though, so I’ve begun scheduling my hours and it works like a dream. Because it’s the end of the school year oddness, a few things have been tweaked, but it’s been a pretty great and I’ve been more productive and taken more steps forward this month than I have in well over a year.

It all falls under the same lesson though, one I think that I’ve been learning since I was seven years old… That’s the lesson of grace. Grace for myself, grace for others… I’ll wake up and need to learn it again tomorrow. I think I’m stuck in my own version of Groundhog Day over here…

a long way trip to get to the tv point…

Published on May 28, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

I want to talk about marriage, infidelity, hashing through it all on camera but first-

A lot of people from various walks of life-like to bag on entertainment whenever they discuss the important things in life. Between you and I, sometimes I get a little defensive when they do that. Here’s the truth, we do subscribe to digital cable and we do have a DVR. Is it expensive? I guess. Could that money be used for something more valuable? Probably. Are we going to cancel our cable? Nope… The truth is, we don’t watch a lot of TV. The television is off more days a week than it’s on. We don’t eat meals in front of the tv, we do not mindlessly channel surf. Actually, we do not ever channel surf. We DVR shows we enjoy and when we do watch tv, those are what we watch. (and by most of, I mean the few shows…)

Here’s the deal. I’m not saying tv should rank up their on the list of priorities, and I’m not saying that I am right to be defensive. What I am suggesting is that we stop expecting every single person to fit into a slim little box. Sometimes someone’s day may look like their husband is stressed out with a business trip gone bad and he’s out-of-town and unavailable while her fifteen year old screams and verbally abuses her and then heaps on more abuse because how dare she be hurt or remotely offended by the hateful remarks spit at her. Sometimes the microscopically fine line between complete abysmal overwhelment and absolute emptiness might look like a bottle of whiskey or a drug induced escape… While I own the former, and never drink it, I don’t choose that. Instead, on days (yesterday) like that, I curl up on the couch and watch an hour of Kitchen Casino, and then Jimmy Fallon.

For years and years my work was tied to the edge of the entertainment industry and I grew to appreciate the ins and outs of production, the quality of a great series/film and most specifically great entertainment writing. It’s not easy, and I appreciate it. While there are tons of people who don’t, (and because they don’t, and they have a voice, they somehow deem it as worthless garbage) I personally feel the entertainment industry is incredibly valuable. With these tiny fragments of time our emotions can be held, captured and touched in extraordinary ways, when it works out right. I love that! So yeah, if a show has solid writing, we will probably give it a shot. This means my husband and I store and watch a rather eclectic mix of things. I cry in most shows we watch because, again, we watch really well written things so I get pretty drawn in. It’s embarrassing, even to have Chw there sometimes.

Beyond So You Think You Can Dance (Which starts tonight!) HGTV Design Star, and a couple of random Food Network competition shows, I don’t do reality TV at all. Our family loves these shows so we watch them together whenever we can, but if we miss one, we delete it- no big deal. (Well, and I am obsessed with Catfish. We do not watch that as a family. That’s my guilty pleasure, when I’m folding laundry…)

Except… One day I saw a promo for True Tori, on Lifetime. I’ve never been a Tori Spelling fan, and am not a huge follower of celebrity gossip so I knew nothing about her husband’s alleged affair. If you’ve read my blog for long though, you’ll know that my husband and I divorced after an affair and eventually worked through hell to reconcile. It was a difficult journey, that our marriage is all a million times better for. (the journey, not the affair and the divorce) Whenever I get the chance to see elements of real marital stuff portrayed within the entertainment world, I gravitate there… (I’ll list a few movies at the end of this post that I think portray awesome marriage stuff.)

I have recorded this series weekly, and found time to painfully sit through it. I have skimmed posts and articles where people have shouted about how sure they are that it’s all a hoax because apparently Dean & Tori have money issues. (Being a non-celebrity gossip, non TS fan, I’m watching this show and looking at their house and the things they own, the way they eat and the things they buy their kids and thinking “they do????” but whatever… Maybe when someone grew up a Spelling and they lose THAT degree of money, it feels like money problems when you have a lot less.) Here’s the thing, this show is raw. Though there are parts of it that feel super fake- {like if I hear “our fairy tale _________” (insert: romance, marriage, story, ending, love, etc) one more time, my tv may find itself feeling more broke than Tori’s book claims they are.} there is an uncomfortable level of honesty there that no one in their right mind would expose themselves or their family to, unless it’s honestly to fight for their family. The series ends next week, and honestly I’m glad. I truly do suffer through these episodes. It’s a battle between wanting to smack one of them (it varies) and feeling empathy rip out of my chest for this awful place they’ve journeyed. Haters are gonna hate. People will criticize and Tori is no stranger to this, she knew this going in… I’d suspect there is so much edited out, how could there not be? It’s weeks of footage put into less than 7 hours of tv.

Is it real? I believe it is. I have a lot of reasons I won’t get into here, because they aren’t important, or the point. My point is: is this high quality, well-written tv? No. Is this even “entertaining”? Absolutely not. But it is honest, and tragically, so relevant. And brave. Marriage is hard. Parenting is hard. Adulthood is hard. Life is hard. Sometimes we just need to get through it. I get through it with a little bit of tv, every now and then and Tori apparently gets through it by putting her darkest moments and breakdowns on tv. I’m sad for them. I’m sad for these kids. We’ve sensationalized celebrities so much, and project either complete idolization or venom at them that we seldom award them the opportunity to be people. These are people, parents who obviously love their kids, these are people who are fighting for a marriage. It doesn’t matter how they met… It really doesn’t. I have friends who have the very same beginning to their marriages and I would never (EVER) tell them they deserve infidelity because of how they got together. Just because these two are celebrities doesn’t mean they do either…

All of this was a really wordy way to say that we need to be so much more compassionate… Whether it’s about what we think is valuable or what our opinions are of others.

Do you Flex?

Published on May 21, 2014May 20, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

Several months ago I got a Fitbit Flex, which I thought was AWESOME. I loved it! While I was super excited to measure my steps/activity, I was really excited to monitor my sleep… I am a really bad sleeper and spend a lot of time exhausted. I feel like a whiny baby about this so having something that could keep track and tell me seemed helpful.

I was loving my Flex. Seeing her there, on my wrist, motivated me to get moving… I was up and busy constantly, (though not out walking, as the extended Michigan winter was a little tough to live with.) and averaging about 2-3,000 steps a day. I figured, because I knew that I was staying active, that this was good.

Until…

Until our good friends jumped on the bandwagon, and a couple of days later my husband, succumbing to peer pressure, boarded as well.

Suddenly they are all getting 8-12,000 steps a day and I’m stuck wondering what the crap is wrong with me, and why am I so miserably lazy, as I frantically run up and down stairs to do laundry, etc. Then, one deceptively sunny day in March, my husband and I had the rare gift of a “same day”. By this I mean, we did the EXACT SAME THINGS. Neither of us walked anywhere, without the other. When we realized this, we logged into our apps to see our steps. While his was showing 12 steps under 8,000 steps, mine was showing 2211 steps. Thus proving something was off.

I did loads of research, because I am a research queen, and learned about setting my stride. I did that and it improved some, but we will still intentionally start some days out the same, to test it, and he averages thousands beyond me. According to what I’ve been told, some people glide, and I must be a glider.

Whatever.

Who cares anyway, right? Which is sort of true. Before I had any friends with Flexs of their own, I was really motivated and proud. Now, when I look at the list of my friends and I’m at the bottom with my ridiculous step counts, knowing that it would be IMPOSSIBLE to be more busy most days (plus, I go to the gym) it’s super discouraging.{Example: last week my husband hurt his back at work and was home for a day. I had to take him to the doctor. He walked from bed to the living room, from living room to the car, car to dr, dr to home, home to bed. Maybe throw in a few trips to the bathroom and that’s his day. Meanwhile I walked the dogs multiple times, was up and down three flights of stairs throughout the day, all day, went to the pharmacy TWICE (at Target), went to the grocery store, took Gen to school, did cleaning, etc… And his fitbit showed him at more steps than I had. HOW???? How I beg you?)

But, I need to stop caring about that. And while my friends, who I essentially talking into getting FBF’s (it’s a growing list, btw) all see me ranking the bottom of the list and relish in the irony- I just need to shrug it off, do what I do and be happy that it accurately monitored the 2 hours and eleven minutes of sleep I got last night.

May, be…

Published on May 1, 2014April 30, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay3 Comments

Sure, it sounds old, and over-used to take this opportunity to rant about how it’s already May, (and how is this possible?!?!?) but really, it seems insane to me. Wasn’t it just the ~~polar~~ eternal vortex? And suddenly green grass is everywhere and it’s May first. What in the world?

Usually, on the first of the month I take a post to outline my goals for the month. Here are my May aspirations…

Passions–

– I’ve taken on a new, slightly top-secret writing project that only a VERY small, handful of people know anything about. I’m really excited about it, maybe more excited than I’ve been about anything I’ve worked on before. Stay tuned!

– working on my quarterly newsletter. (aren’t on the list and want to be? Leave a comment with your email address and I’ll add you!)

– a few fun photo shoots coming up.

– Delancey, by Molly Wizenberg being released. I’ve waited literal YEARS for this book!

Family/Friends–

– celebrating my husband’s fortieth birthday.

– doing Storyline alongside my dear friend KL, (well, alongside, but spanning 2000 miles).

– honoring the moms in our lives.

– celebrating the special days of special friends.

– going to see the local theater production that friends of our directed. We’re pretty excited about that.

– Sunday morning excursions to the Farmer’s market. happily, happily, basket in hand, I’ll adventure off in search of wonderful.

Love–

– there are a couple of date nights on the front. We are right on schedule with our intentional date challenge, having completed 10/25, for the year.

– intentional conversations, planning sessions and dreams. It’s time.

– evening walks around the neighborhood.

Home–

– get the outdoor furniture out on the deck, should the rainy weather allow it. I’m so ready to sit out there and drink wine in the evenings while talking with Chw about our days. I’m ready to drink iced tea and write out there in the afternoons, (epi pen close by, of course, as our bees last year were horrendous!)

– grilled dinners! I am so excited about that! We’ve grilled out once already, but I’m ready for 500 more times.

– coming up with a fun Monday night tradition to accompany the return of 24. We LOVE Jack Bauer in this house and are BEYOND thrilled… (Any ideas?)

– getting rid of some living room furniture, making room for our beautiful new sofa (20 year anniversary gift) and just playing with the room a little.

– small bedroom paint project.

– possibly taking on the re-upholstering (or decent slipcovering) of an ottoman, should I locate my bravery somewhere.

What about you? What’s on your agenda for the month of May?

figuring it out…

Published on April 28, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay3 Comments

One month ago, today, I turned 38. I always believed that by the time I reached such a ripe-old-age, I would have stuff figured out. By stuff, of course, I mean pretty much everything. Not surprisingly, (and I say not surprisingly because I know me) I wake up some mornings and realize I might be farther from that place than ever. I’m also pretty sure, on those days, that the times when I feel like I’ve got a good handle on things, I’m just majorly full of crap.

My birthday happens to fall forty days before my husband’s. This wasn’t something I was really aware of until I decided to shower him with gifts, love and attention in the forty days preceding his fortieth birthday and that just happened to begin on mine. {for the record, this was an accidental detail I happened to love.}

Sidenote: this 40 day journey has been one of the most fun birthday things that I’ve ever done and it has turned out way better than I expected. I seriously recommend it.

Yesterday his “gift” (I say “gift” because no one needs forty new things. Some have been new things, but sometimes it’s something special to do, that he really loves. Or one day it was a totally unexpected surprise party, that blew him away.) was his favorite homemade cookies and a Star Trek marathon. This was actually a huge gesture on my part because, though I love him so incredibly, I’ve watched each of those movies with him once or twice and it’s been YEARS, and these viewings never occurred simultaneously. Star Trek just isn’t my thing, but it is his. Mind you, he doesn’t own a suit, speak Klingon, go to conventions or want memorabilia, but he loves The Next Generation and he loves the movies.

While he sat, blissfully lost in the galaxy (or is it another galaxy? I just don’t get it.) I baked cookies, cleaned the kitchen, meal planned, did laundry, made an amazing dinner (something I don’t do often enough, these days) and managed to stay engaged enough to the movies to know what was happening. I was tempted to feel guilty that so much productivity was happening, in my home, on a Sunday. As I sat there, processing those ideas, I questioned where that guilt came from. If I were to be honest with myself, I’d admit that I really love our laundry getting done on Sunday afternoons. I love the house getting whipped into shape on Sunday, everyone pulling their part. While I’m not one who enjoys baking, I even liked the idea of baking cookies for lunches and to have on hand for a few after school snacks, for the weekdays. The big Sunday dinner was also nice, and something we hardly ever do. We savored bites of grilled pork chops, mashed sweet potatoes and roasted brussels sprouts. While the food tasted delicious, is it silly to think it tasted better because it was a Sunday, and because it followed (for me) a day of productivity and success?

Over Lent I gave up reading fiction and focussed on reading good for my heart books. My motivation was that I knew I had things I needed to learn/relearn/realize and I tend to hide away in fiction and buy books like that because they sound “amazing”, and then allow them to stack up. The end result was my mind was reshaped in several areas, I learned a ton, my perspective changed/shifted on many things and I wrote at least a thousand quotes that felt to my parched soul like cool drinks of water. Yesterday, as I struggled with some self-imposed guilt over Sunday productivity, and my enjoyment from it, one particular quote/idea that I read along the way came to mind. I believe it was by Emily P. Freeman. (and I am absolutely paraphrasing) She was talking about how true worship of God was being present and engaged in whatever we were doing in that moment. Whether it was something wonderful and artistic, or some monotonous chore. This really hit me hard, and I have been trying to be fully present and engaged in what I do. I can see how there is no better act of gratitude than that, and also no great gesture of humility than to give your all and best to something as lowly as scrubbing the toilet and painting a mural. Not surprisingly, yesterday is a great example. Not only did it turn out to be a pretty great day for me, I’m sure that was absolutely because I engaged in my life and lived it. Even the stuff that’s not my favorite…

I may not have it all figured out yet, but one month later, I’m at least a little closer…