Category: journey

I breathe…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

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I’m working two jobs, these days. From full-time student to juggling two jobs of which I won’t see any fruit until long after bill due dates, and even then those dates will have looped back around. That’s ok. I actually really love both jobs, and my favorite part of them is connecting with people. A smile and a friendly interaction can really change the course of their day.

The really awkward part about starting to work at entry-level jobs is that the majority of my co-workers (and in one instance, bosses) are the age of my kids. I have loved getting to know them and the conversations that have blossomed, but there is this voice calling to me from deep inside that tells me I’m a loser, and I’m a failure because I’m there, scraping to survive with 24 year olds who are just growing up.

Am I 39 and just growing up?

I’ve been able to silence the voice, thus far, because honestly it really doesn’t bother me. A little maybe, but not for those reasons. For the reasons that I simply worked really hard and invested my everything into a life and a family which are just fine without me. I am very proud of committing and focussing to be the very best I could be, for them, for my life’s work and purpose. Things changed. I got sick, (depression) and consequentially this is my life now. It is, at times, so lonely I can’t even gasp for air… At other times, it’s the memories of my family that get me through and make me smile. The tears are always there, behind the eye lids. Sometimes they spill, sometimes they flood… But still, every waking morning I come closer and closer to accepting my fate. Am I behind other women my age, professionally? Significantly… But life is not about work. It isn’t about “success” in the world’s eyes… I have lived my life and loved so incredibly much, that maybe in some ways I’m ahead of them too… At least, for a large part of my life, my priority was where it should have been. And now, now my life is that of my twenty year old co-workers, only I could be their mother.

We do the best we can, and that’s simply it. I’m doing my best, succeed or fail, this is all I’ve gone.

All of my friends are either solid in their career, or still at home with their kids. They don’t get it, and that’s ok. I’m learning that I don’t need to be “gotten”. Again, I walked away from that too. A single mom friend said to me, “At least you don’t have kids. I am so jealous of your new start and second chance.” I guess we’re all there, comparing what we do or do not have to someone else. Believe me, this is no beautifully ideal new beginning. I’d rather have someone to hug, someone who needed me and whispered “I love you” as they fell asleep…

Last week someone asked me what my life feels like. I try not to think about it, but when I do (If I’m honest) my life feels exactly how I imagine hell to feel. Complete isolation from true personal intimacy and living within the very deep and fragrant realizations of my short comings, mistakes and failures… The only difference between what I can imagine to be hell and my reality is that I at least can move forward and try to build something new. I don’t want to, but that’s my choice. Either do, or succumb to bitterness. So I do. I wake up, I pray, I read, I go to work. I come home. I learn. I actively show love to the people I see, the best I can. I fight a painful night of sleep with the most horrifyingly vivid dreams, when sleep wins. I wake up and do it again. I try not to resent the laundry when I fold it and it is only my clothes. I avoid the kitchen (haven’t cooked since November) because it reminds me of what I don’t have. My life is the polar opposite of the life I both gave up willingly, and was stolen from me. I breathe. In every moment, that is my only consistent and sane decision…

I breathe.

Be grateful and glad in all things, and when all else fails… rant?

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

tvA long time ago I truly grasped the lesson & importance of being grateful and glad in all things… Then something got lost, along my journey. I sunk deep into a terrifying depression, which I couldn’t truly understand while drowning in it, but strangely and intricately do now. Within that depression, a great many things changed. I had lost, along the way, the importance of being grateful and glad in all things. Truthfully, I felt like I was barely surviving. My perspective of all things, from my parenting to my marriage, my education to my skills and talents, was all seen through a filter so far from reality. In the end of that chapter, I partook in a very time sensitive decision, going in a direction where I believed I would actually be needed, valued and wanted. The truth, outside of that sludgy despair however is that I was far too emotionally sick to really know what any of that looked like. Depression is a beast… Sometimes it can lay at bay, on the surface, and it feels like you’re out of the sea. That’s the best I can explain it.

I wonder what would have looked different if I’d been able to hold on to my sense of being grateful and glad in all things? In all things would mean in the sea of depression or other illnesses as well. In isolation from the very people you live with and love. In abandonment from relationships which fed your life. In the joy and celebration that comes with great blessings… In all things.

I lost this sense. My sense. And over the past many days I’ve been reminded and validated upon the path of reclaiming it. I am someone who needs relationship with people. This is not a character defect. This is not a deep, emotional flaw. This is how I am designed. I am crafted to thrive on connection with others. Our society promotes surface connections, declaring that true friendship is talks of sex, meeting for drinks and Facebook collections. None of these are friendship. Sure, friends CAN talk about sex, share a drink and be connected on social media, but when one, two or all three of these things make up the bulk of your “support system”, there is no support. We have a need to be entertained in all things, and have had this need for independence shoved down our throats. There is this weird parasite in our thoughts that we mustn’t allow ourselves to be too vulnerable, too needy, too dependent upon someone else. What is wrong with us? And we can go through a season in our lives when we form a real, true and deep connection with someone but that tapeworm of ridiculous garbage will live again and try to destroy it. While I suspect we all have the same need, but different life circumstances have left us scarred and unable to heal it, I at least know for sure that I do have this need. In the core of connecting with others, conversation and interactions I thrive. Without that, in any form of isolation, I wither. I can be grateful and glad in all things… In all times. In all seasons. That is my choice, and one I must make and work to retain. Whether it is times of togetherness or isolation. But the intentional connection thing is something I am going to have to be sure to do, as well. In all things… It is the cure to my depression, the cure to that childhood lie stitched upon my soul that I am unloveable. We were created for community, and within a community I must live…

I was already thinking these things, relearning and newly realizing these things, and at this very place in my journey when my pastor, Sunday, spoke on this very idea. I can’t take credit for it at all, as I am merely recycling other people’s wisdom with my own commentary. One thing he said Sunday which hasn’t left the forefront of my brain since then was that a study conducted in 1984 polled people to see how many close friends they had. The average number among the majority was 3. The same poll was taken within the last year or two and the majority answered 0. ZERO. NONE. The majority of people have no one whom they can trust, confide in, rely on… And the very best part of friendship is also being trusted by someone, listening to someone and knowing you are reliable. What has changed in those 22 years? The internet, the mass web of social media, the rise and growth of video games and our 700 television channels waiting for us. Beyond technology, not much has changed. This is sad to me. There was a time when lunch with friends, long distance phone calls and actually, truly knowing someone, were normal. Now, they are occasional treats. We say we are busy, but we aren’t. We are programmed to be “busy” with tv shows, video games and our cell phone obsessions. I remember paying steep long distance bills and buying phone cards to talk to friends for hours. Now? Now I could go a week without a single conversation and NO ONE PAYS LONG DISTANCE anymore!

This totally turned into a rant, which wasn’t my intention… Be grateful and glad in all things… I am grateful to realize this, and glad to know that this epidemic is easily solvable. It just takes altering our priorities and intentionally connecting with someone. Engage in a conversation, get together over a cup of coffee or dinner and talk. Listen. Love. It’s easier than we think. Maybe not as easy as turning on the tv or gazing at our iPhones, but it is so much more rewarding… We idolize our electronics, but the truth is that they don’t give a damn about is.

Forty Eve…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

Last year my birthday had me turning 39…

I spent the day with my husband and youngest daughter, but I honestly do not recall what we did. I do remember my husband did one of his characteristically thoughtful little surprises. Those are the things I love to remember the most. It’s bittersweet…

The one thing I did FOR myself, on my birthday, was taking a time out to work on a list of forty things I wanted to do before my fortieth birthday.

Here is the list now…

  • My first 5K
  • get a job.
  • take classes or a course to make #2 easier.
  • go on a real vacation with my family.
  • get my passport.
  • get my concealed weapons license.
  • finish my memoir
  • Learn how to do four new things.
  • make a new friend.
  • get into essential oils.
  • have dinner with, and spend time with William. (My high school BFF)
  • see my son.
  • make it as natural as breathing to bless someone else’s day, anonymously, every day.
  • to go on a long weekend with my husband.
  • take up yoga regularly.
  • Go to Idaho to see friends.
  • See a new-to-me broadway show.
  • confront my fear and hold a snake.
  • Put my toes in the ocean.
  • Live intentionally, Savoring even the unsavory in some way.
  • write more letters and notes than emails and texts.
  • realize what is really important, and focus on those things/people.
  • Skydive
  • take Gen (my youngest) to the DIA.
  • Do something memorable and special, with my family, every month.
  • have a girlfriend getaway.
  • pick up my camera and become friends with it again.
  • get new wedding rings.
  • Ride horses again, it had been ages.
  • go up north in the fall.
  • create something beautiful.
  • Speak in a public speaking engagement.
  • dance with and date my husband intentionally.
  • make REAL plans with Kozzette, for Sundance.
  • be an intentional gift giver to those I love the most.
  • get a basket for my bike, to carry picnics and flowers in, all summer.
  • more non-tv nights than those with the tv on.
  • catalogue the things that make me laugh, for when I can’t.
  • Be a better version of who I was at 38.
  • plan an amazing celebration, for my next decade, with the people I love the most there.

When I pulled this gem of a list out, some 65 days before my birthday, I went through various stages of shock… Bold would be the things I actually have done/continue to do. I admit that I was a little devastated to read through these items.  It was like having to face a bullet-list reality of your very personal failures.

If I were to make a list of things I wanted to bucketlist for my fortieth year, it would be eerily similar. I guess that proves that I did NOT become a better version of me. In fact, when I look at the severe depression I plummeted into about a week or two after I wrote this list, and how much darker and scarier it got, well… I’d say it’s fair to say I became someone much worse. The things my depression put my family through are things I may take a very long time to forgive myself for… I italicized Idaho because moving here, at the end of my marriage was not what I’d had in mind.

In a raw and very real way I figured I’d make a list of the forty things, both good and bad, that I did do from 39-40…

  • Saw a few concerts I’d wanted to see for a long, long time.
  • helped my husband remodel the kitchen. Before my eyes it transformed into something more beautiful than I’d ever imagined. It will always be my favorite room ever.
  • I got drunk. twice.
  • I worked really hard, with Gen, to give my husband a beautiful Father’s Day. He really deserved it and it was so fun to have a conspirator.
  • I played a fair amount of table tennis.
  • I rode a roller coaster. Still get migraines from them and they aren’t my favorite, like they used to be, but I still did it.
  • I saw a fortune-teller, at an amusement park.
  • I began (And quit… twice) an Esthetics program.
  • I moved away from my husband and daughter, to a million miles and hours away.
  • I made an a few friends, one of whom is amazing and I adore and miss her!
  • I finally came to terms with the fact that my mother is not capable of loving anyone, even her only child.
  • I took part in breaking my daughter’s heart and forever altering her life.
  • I was introduced to the beauty that is Korean television, by two friends of mine. I shared this with Gen and I miss us in this way, very much.
  • I had a car accident.
  • I plummeted into a deep, terrifying depression and had no idea for most of it.
  • I took Gen to get her nose pierced. (I got the part of my ear I can never remember, pierced.)
  • I got an ironic tattoo, while severely depressed, as a milestone tattoo. SMH
  • I saw a lot of movies. Of course.
  • I fell in love with Korean Food, Korean music and the loveliness that is Korean culture.
  • My Kate Spade collection grew.
  • I made a lot of stupid, unclear decisions while I was depressed. (If you ever find yourself in that position- just don’t…)
  • I spent a ton of time obsessing over M & S’s Wilder Mind album.
  • I finally dove into a vinyl collection. The start of one anyway…
  • I realized I love a good cover song…
  • Bowled a few times. It’s my absolute favorite thing and I got to bowl about 5 times, which is really amazing.
  • I skipped Thanksgiving, and probably will make that same decision from now on.
  • I had the worst Christmas I’ve had since childhood.
  • I had an even worse New Years, but that’s a holiday we can’t ignore.
  • I learned I will do almost anything alone, without fear or complaint, but there is a small list of things that it’s just not in my capacity to manage.
  • I bought Broadway tickets, but didn’t get to use them. That had NEVER happened.
  • I changed every single ounce of my life. I went from being a wife and mother every day to being a pen pal.
  • I did a mom swap for several months and it was the one thing, during my 8 months of depression that I really loved. It kept me going and motivated me not to lose myself in it.
  • I tried Couch to 5K, and quit. I decided running, though my husband loved it, was not for me.
  • I got my first apartment based just on my credit.
  • I then lived off of credit cards after I worked incredibly damn hard to build my credit, because my money was all gone on things like moving, apartment deposit, helping a friend, etc… Thus ruining my hard-earned credit. Definite negative.
  • I realized I worked really hard to build a life that I’ll never get to live again, and that life had been my world.
  • Didn’t see my son, but there were still beautiful developments and I’ll hopefully see him soon.
  • I did learn how to give an AWESOME facial. And how to wax…
  • Totally lost sight of myself and then life changed so quickly, in that. I have no idea how to be, who to be, or how to fix things.
  • I got to spend a lot of time with my daughters, prior to Thanksgiving… I’m reminded constantly that it will never be the same. I’m living with that.

Friendly…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

swings

I’ve had several interesting conversations this past week, with friends. I’m all over the place, at this phase, in my life. I’ve cried across restaurant tables, fallen apart on friend’s couches, cried over coffee, cried all over voxer and facetime. While, in those instances I’m a blubbering mess, thankfully I’m not only that. I am not afraid to engage in the best parts of this new, uncomfortable life, and even when it hurts, it can be a beautiful journey.

At breakfast friday, a friend and I discussed how we are wired for connection. This is so true. While I believe everyone is designed for community, so many people have numbed or silenced those needs. She and I were in agreement that we just cannot. If I do not maintain an intentional connection with my friends, the friendship will wither. If I do not intentionally connect with others regularly, I will wither. These are just the facts and I have to accept them. While I was familiar with the feelings, and the longings I do not think I really embraced that this is not selfish, but a need in my design, until this very season in my life. There are times, in my life, when I am wandering lost in the desert and a good friend is the manna. The real key to this is keeping friends who understand this in me, without me having to ask them to, that actually want to be in intentional in our friendship… They are few and far between, people, this is a sad fact.

I recently lost a friend. We had met under awkward and strange circumstances and been there for each other over several years of highs and lows. There was a time when I simply could not imagine my life without her. She was my absolute best and dearest friend, in possibly the closest way I had ever known. Years into our friendship though, she became less and less present. This hurt me deeply, but I still continued to extend my hand to her. Sometimes she accepted, for a short time, before going back into her own world and closing the door on me. This was a cycle that continued for years, I’m sad to say. With any other friend I would have bid them goodbye and moved on, but for her I stuck it out because of how deeply I believed we were tied. In hindsight I see that I was obviously far more invested than she was, when it was no longer convenient for her. This was the newer pattern, and obviously the more permanent one. When I was in the darkest part of my life, this past fall, I leaned on her (along with a couple of other dear friends) because I still had an unrealistic perspective on our relationship. You live and you learn, I guess. During a period of time, back in the beginning of our friendship there was a person she was senselessly devoted to and I coined the phrase Undeserved Devotion. I did the same thing with her… Then again, it’s a  pattern for me, I’m seeing. I keep finding myself devoted to people who aren’t so invested. It’s a goal to correct this, in time.

I feel so deeply tied to the people I share connections with, that I look past the changes and when the intentional moments all become driven by me, I simply allow my inner demons to come and torment me about how unloveable and disposable I am. I don’t know the answer to these things, people are people. It’s as simple as that. I’ve had busy life moments which led me to falling away from intentionally connecting with people. What I see happen though is that I wither and then I am forced to put my priorities in check and admit my problem, so I make it up to them. When the above is true, and those other people just don’t ever step back up to the plate, it means they are out of the game and that’s ok… There is a difference between the busy seasons and the flat-out uninterested. We have to love and respect ourselves enough to tell the difference.

Their lack of interest is more of a reflection on them, than you or I. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with us. This is a huge lesson I’m learning, and I’m talking about it because I have a couple of friends who are also struggling with the same thing. It’s healthy to realize your need for relationship and connections. It is also healthy to communicate this, offer and receive it. The healthiest thing you can do for yourself is recognize who is truly in your tribe and let go of the ones you’re giving to, with no return.

 

 

For H…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments

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I’m going to post a little bit about my roommate, and there’s a pretty good reason…

I share an apartment, as platonically as humanly possible, with my high school best friend Will. I’ve mentioned before that I lived in a group home, as a teen. Will was there with me, consistently, for what felt like a life time. Because of that, the duress of our situation and similar abandonment issues as children, we developed a fairly strong connection. We were never involved beyond  this deep way.

Awhile back Will came to me, via the world wide web, with a confession about the negative direction his life had turned. I was in an ultra crappy place in my own life, and though desperately wanting to sustain my marriage, knew I had to help him. This guy was the epitome of my “roots”. I warned him as he came, broken, into my home that I wasn’t sure how long my marriage would be standing…

Will has an ex-girlfriend that I have a bit of a negative history with… And she’s apparently started reading my blog. She’s even used parts of it as ammunition towards him. I’m going to take a minute to talk to her…

H,

There was a time, several years back, when I genuinely wanted to be your friend. You couldn’t see past your jealousy to recognize that I was devoted to my husband and as much as I valued Will as my lifelong friend, I had fully expected to value you the same. I tried explaining that to you, then. I even attempted, again several months later, to look past the horrible way you had treated me because I truly valued the both of you. I BELIEVE in relationships. I value them. While he may have given you many reasons not to trust him, I could have given you a hundred references to affirm to you that I would never tear your relationship apart or hurt you.

Though it’s hard to imagine right now, Chw and I had a great marriage. Circumstances have a way of changing things. At that time we often helped couples save their marriages and turn from divorce. I was proud of that. Our marriage had survived a lot. I’d go so far as to say, if you could have gotten over your resentment and jealousy enough to connect with us- your relationship with Will might even be different today. Not just because of us, but because of you.

Again, I could have a hundred different people affirm this to you, but your ex did not destroy my marriage. He had no part in it, whatsoever. He stood by, in the sidelines, while my marriage silently fell apart. He was a great friend to me when I really needed someone, and he became a friend to my husband. My daughters, who are 16 & 25, adore him. None of those things would be the case if he had been the reason for such things.

We are NOT together, in that way, now either. I am not, was not, nor will I ever be a cheating whore. While I’m not sure what will happen with my marriage, I do know that even if we divorce, I will never be with someone else. Not even Will. I have no desire to be with anyone but my husband.

H, I understand so well how hard it is to spend your life (the best years of your life) with someone, only for them to walk away. I understand how unhealthy cycles, patterns and cheating can all affect your views on everything. I truly wish you’d had a little faith and taken a chance to be my friend, then, instead of just hating me. Even if the two of you still hadn’t worked out, this whole situation would look completely different now. We are made, by God, with a need for community. We NEED friendships… I can honestly say that I am a really great friend, and you really missed out because i would have been a KICK ASS friend to you. Will is a great guy who is working so hard at becoming a better one. Sure, I might get frustrated with him but I won’t ever tear him apart because of that. I’m sure you are an equally great person, but unfortunately you’ve never let me see that side of you.

Ironically, even after he was in Michigan, Will was trying to convince me to reach out to you. He knew you loved him and cared about his recovery and growth and he was convinced that you would be happy that I was helping him. He also believed you really needed a good friend who would really love you for you. Obviously, he was wrong, BUT I tell you this so you know and understand the kind of faith he had in you. I don’t care if you read my blog, or stalk my Instagram feed or talk crap about the cheating whore you believe I am. Do you know what you deserve? You DESERVE a life filled with peace, confidence and love. One where you feel value, and worth because you have both. These things will never come if you continue to be so focussed on negativity. It’s a hard pattern to break, but dear girl, YOU are worth it, for you. One day your kids will have major accomplishments, children of their own or something else that will cause you both to be there supporting and loving them. Maybe your journey TOGETHER isn’t meant to be right now, but you still owe it to yourself to support him and build an amicable relationship  for the sake of not only your children but for yourself. To know you rose above and did that… I’m super hurt by my husband right now, but I would never tear him down to my children. I won’t even tear him down to him. Or Will, for that matter. Will knows that I believe Chw is a really great guy. When we love someone and share a portion of our lives with them, we need to try and see the best in them always, otherwise it will eat at us and tear us apart. We need to learn from our mistakes and try better… You have 4 reasons to try really hard to rise above, but the most important one is you. Don’t waste your life on resentment and bitterness, you deserve a much more beautiful life than that.

Again, I wish we could have been friends because I would have made sure to remind you of your worth and value every time you doubted it.

<3.

M