Category: gifts

My September Pocketful of Sunshine…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

This weekend, as I mentioned yesterday, Gen and I had the opportunity to do a few cool things. Girl’s weekends are kind of great, from time to time. She’s taking a pretty cool photography class and so, on assignment, we ventured off to IKEA so she could get some shots. The photographer in me bloomed with pride when I watched this girl insecurely talk about how she couldn’t find any angles, and she simply can’t do it, when I knew she could. I helped her find her vision for a while and then she was off. She was so into shooting pretty much everything, that she ran her camera battery completely dead and then took over with her phone. Can we say Potential Family Business? *grin*

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After a while, armed only with my phone, I found myself staring at my feet a lot, not knowing what to do.

Complete with ice cream and great Autumn classics like Practical Magic and You’ve Got Mail, our weekend continued in a much-needed cathartic fashion. Honestly I was just grateful for the time with her, and the fluke fact that Gen had the entire weekend off. (this NEVER happens!)

On Sunday, (9/11) we were invited to attend a Tiger’s game. This was a majorly awesome thing for me. I grew up going to local softball and baseball games religiously, and attended a minor league game whenever I had the chance. I’ve kept attending an MLB game at the top of my wish list since I was 16 and all I have to say is, it was worth every ounce of anticipation. I’m not a fan of televised sports. They lack the energy that a live game has, and Sunday did not disappoint. Despite living in Detroit, I have to say the Tiger’s aren’t my favorite, but I could really start to love them. It was so amazing, so thanks to my friend who generously shared her tickets!

The fact that it was 9/11 and they did a beautiful tribute to our local first responders was easily the highlight. Those things always choke me up, and to be there for that and honoring those men & women was a privilege, to say the least.

Top of my Christmas list, this year, will be Mariner’s season tickets for sure. (oh yeah, and I guess a swanky Seattle loft to go along with it.)

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Greatness…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

I have been doing film reviews for well over a decade. I used to do them a lot more frequently because I wrote for a publication which often had me screening 2-4 films a week. Over the years I have slowed down. It’s funny because what developed in me, as a movie watcher, was a critical pickiness which often turned off the family or friends that watched it with me. I was analyzing so much that I wasn’t taking time to enjoy. Since movies are some of my absolute favorite things, this was a real crimp in my enjoyment of life. Once I began to notice it myself, I began to annoy myself.

I loved (and still do) quality indie films. Rom Coms, (which aren’t around much anymore) found me super cynical as I ripped them to shreds. Major blockbuster films often fared worse. The films which got the brunt of my criticism however were those films genred under the Christian label. I’d go into it usually annoyed before the opening credits, shredder ready. I made myself miserable…

I’ve calmed down a lot. Working in a critic vein isn’t healthy for anyone, for long. Nit picking has a way of souring someone. I was sour. It was sad. A few years ago a little movie came out titled Moms Night Out. I had so many friends who went and loved it. Being in that genre I would usually avoid it, but this one afternoon I made an exception. Were there things in it that I could have torn apart? Yes. Was the quality Academy worthy? No. But the most important question is: Did I enjoy it? I did. And I watched as my husband and youngest left the theater appearing to be bracing themselves for my rainstorm of misery. The shock and awe which rippled in waves through their expressions was not lost on me.

In the last year I have made an effort to rewatch several of the Christian themed films I had hated. Maybe it’s because my life was beyond broken. Maybe it is because I had been rained down upon and shredded by a few people who felt entitled to critique my life. Maybe it is simply that I was looking anywhere for inspiration, hope and direction. (If you’re wondering, yes, my opinions were different. Perspective is everything.)

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When I was asked to screen and review Greater, I was not thrilled. I accepted because I love movies and will watch most anything. I wasn’t super excited about it though because, well- other than being a football movie, (not my thing) old habits die hard. I was afraid I would tear it to bits. I’m not.

Greater is the story of, as I’ve now mentioned on this blog a dozen + times, the story of Brandon Burlsworth. Brandon was a football player for University of Arkansas. His story is the very epitome of an underdog rising to the top in an extraordinary way. This part of his story is uplifting, inspiring, moving and every single thing a film should be. The high points for me were:

  • the film is not strong religious. It is honest in its story about this boy’s life.
  • the cinematography is beautiful. There are scenes so poetically shot that my heart caught in my throat.
  • the performances in this movie are raw and authentic. The human struggles they portray are relatable and felt.
  • Christopher Severio (Brandon) is very watchable, relatable and is so believable, in this role, that it’s natural to root for him.

These things, of their own, could be enough. The real meat of the story though, is not Brandon’s story at all, but his brother’s. Is this part of the tale fictionalized? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter, because Brandon’s brother Marty (played flawlessly by Neal McDonough) is a story we all will struggle with a million times before we die. It is the struggle for our hearts. The battle between allowing our perception of any given circumstance to be one of the misery it involves, or allowing ourselves to step out and embrace the beauty and love floating within the misery.

Though this movie is under the Christian genre, this film (to me) is simply a life film. A film about how to grieve, and how not to grieve. A story about how to live, versus how not to live. A big picture motivator to remind us that our lives are so much bigger than the seconds we make mundane decisions for today, and we leave behind a legacy that can extend far beyond us. Each and every one of us… There is a greatness in our lives that often times we choose to ignore in favor of the less-than-great.

If Greater opens near you, I really encourage you to see it. I doubt you’d be sorry…

The better sort of list…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

Everyone is all about bucket lists… I made a beautiful one last year, to complete before I was 40. Losing my family and way of life shot my list all to hell, so I thought instead I’d make a list of the 100 BEST things I’ve done in my 40 long years…

  1. skinny dipping in a natural body of water.
  2. dancing in the rain.
  3. watching fireworks, on a hilltop, set to Bach.
  4. My first time at the ocean, a glorious week on the Oregon coast.
  5. going in to NYC to see the tree at Rockafellar center.
  6. Swinging with the kids I worked with, at Hope House, on a hot summer day with the public sprinklers on.
  7. Snowcones with my kids.
  8. Working at Hope House and the amazing, life changing relationships I made there.
  9. Getting my nose pierced.
  10. the tattooes I’ve carefully chosen.
  11. I met Colin Firth.
  12. falling in love with the culture and pop culture of South Korea.
  13. Working at OBI and the dear relationships I made there.
  14. That I’ve always been one to forgive and try again. No exceptions.
  15. Seeing Starship on the Santa Cruz beach. It wasn’t Starship, but the beach, air and company.
  16. My first upside down rollercoaster, in the rain, in St. Louis.
  17. that I learned to appreciate music.
  18. adopting.
  19. The Chvrches concert. It was how concerts should feel.
  20. New Mexico sunsets.
  21. Reconnecting with my high school BFF and being one who demonstrated unconditional, sacrificial love.
  22. Being stranded in an airport and befriending a total stranger.
  23. knowing Jared Glenn.
  24. Loving with my whole heart, even if that has never really paid off.
  25. Understanding the value of true family, whether there’s blood relation there or not.
  26. catching live crabs and cooking them on the beach.
  27. the first time I held hands with a boy, no feeling compares.
  28. seeing my niece be born.
  29. the moment I met my husband and knew we would be married.
  30. My first DMB show.
  31. The secret P!ATD show in Boise, when Gen was little, complete with awesome treatment, tv interviews, etc.
  32. Attending a wedding with an MTV film crew.
  33. the first time I loped on a horse.
  34. The gift of knowing and loving my grandfather.
  35. My dog Paisley’s love for me. Life affirming.
  36. My grandmother’s chicken and dumplings.
  37. When my stomach finally eased after my first major bout with sea sickness.
  38. The week long backpacking trip I went on, when I was in 8th grade.
  39. Seeing a large meteor shower.
  40. Seeing Wicked on broadway.
  41. The time a bear went through our camp while we slept under the stars.
  42. walking at the ocean, feet in sand and sea.
  43. The first time I body surfed.
  44. Genny’s Twilight impressions, when she was younger.
  45. Learning to give facials.
  46. any inside joke, with my husband.
  47. Staying at the Regent Beverly Wiltshire.
  48. Gen’s 6th birthday, in the hotel on Easter. it was really fun and a nice connection moment for C & I, with midnight cake and snuggles.
  49. Christmas with my husband and all three of my kids.
  50. The twin foster babies we had.
  51. When my husband baked me a lemon cake for my birthday. It was one of the most beautiful, thoughtful moments I’ve had with anyone.
  52. Tummy slamming, with Melanie, when we were little.
  53. My cousin Kyle. He really changed my childhood.
  54. My pet turtle Rosie, who made the journey from my house to my grandmother’s, a few blocks away, and back.
  55. My german shepherd/husky (when I was a kid) named Betsy.
  56. White water rafting.
  57. The way autumn smells, in Idaho.
  58. That huge, terrifying storm we had in Kansas, when I was 17.
  59. Stars, porches and conversation.
  60. My California girls trip, in 2001.
  61. Alicia Michelle.
  62. Petting an Elephant at the Portland Zoo.
  63. The San Diego Valentines day getaway I had with Chw in 2002.
  64. bacon wrapped dates in Illinois. Delicious dinner and lovely evening conversation.
  65. The Blake hotel in Chicago. Stunning.
  66. The gigantic moon the Christmas of 1999 in Phoenix.
  67. My bus ride to Kentucky, from New Mexico.
  68. The summer I went in a semi to Los Angeles.
  69. The look on Chw’s face with his surprise 40th birthday. Making him happy was always my favorite thing ever, there was no one more deserving.
  70. Hours and hours of playing Killer Bunnies.
  71. Girl’s day on Make your Own Holiday day.
  72. Being published in The Pink Project.
  73. the living room conversation I had in 92. It was terrifying and safe to be known so well.
  74. saving myself from my sexually abusive step dad.
  75. the Detroit blackout in 2003.
  76. the magic of my first plane ride to Michigan, amidst the turmoil surrounding me.
  77. My grandparents shed, my safe haven.
  78. playing “Mermaids” in Monique’s pool.
  79. Seeing Chw & Gen when i got home from the LA nightmare.
  80. My first trip to NYC. Tiffany & Co, Central Park & FAO Shwartz.
  81. the first time I shot with my Canon.
  82. My one and only healthy ultrasound.
  83. Whenever I hug my son.
  84. Face to Face conversations with my daughter Amanda.
  85. Amanda’s wedding. Helping, being there for her and getting her through it, the father/daughter dance and how stunning she looked.
  86. Waking up for 6 months of beautiful mornings, in the smoky mountains.
  87. The most delightful conversation imaginable, with Emma Thompson.
  88. Witnessing both the sun rising on the US east coast and the sun setting on US west coast. Different days, but still a gift.
  89. email corresponding with my grandmother’s favorite soap opera actress, after my grandmother died.
  90. Chw and his little figurine for me after I had my first real operation in 1999. It’s never meant more for me to see anyone in all my life.
  91. hearing strange sounds and learning my cat, whom I didn’t even know was pregnant, had just delivered one single kitten, who looked nothing at all like her. It felt like a miracle.
  92. A youth that included white water rafting, snow tubing, ice blocking and casually floating the river. It was a blessed adolescence for sure.
  93. late night dance parties, being surrounded by the coolest of people you know.
  94. Eerily quiet Chinatown, in San Francisco. Exhilarating.
  95. Becoming sisters with my sister Sherri, who is my heart sister but I know there isn’t anyway we could be more genuinely real.
  96. Being Julie’s heart daughter. She’s been gone a decade, this year, and I am still in awe of her love for me.
  97. heart pounding risks…
  98. following my instinct/intuition, and learning something anyway, when it may not work out.
  99. Discovering Chinese massage. It may not be amazing everywhere, but here it is extraordinary.
  100. My relationship with God, learning to blind trust and love through it has been the biggest adventure of my life…

Only the lonely…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

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At my husband’s request, I took down my last two blog posts. While they were not meant to reflect him in a negative light, and I was coming from the place of emotional exhaustion and honesty, he felt they painted him badly…

The irony of all of that is not lost on me, I promise.

I’m stuck in such an uncomfortable place where my feeling don’t matter. Where I’m not meant to be considered. Where maybe the other person didn’t intentionally mean to hurt me so it shouldn’t matter, and where I am tired, convicted and crucified every single time.

I read the other day that I probably didn’t have depression last summer/fall, but instead suffered from loneliness. The entire chapter about this rang so true that I had to sit afterwards and admit that this was entirely possible.

Life is funny. I find myself looking at photos of kayaking, skydiving and all around adventuring and my soul literally yearns to take off on an adventure. I was supposed to be away for the weekend, feet dipping in the icy ocean simply so my soul could exhale and then reset itself, but that didn’t work out and now I honestly feel restless. I long to go, to do something significant. I’m itching to engage with nature. In reality, I’d likely be mauled by a bear and drown in the ocean, so it’s probably better I stay here and engage in the daily practice of feeling like an alien in a land I recognize but do not belong…

Tomorrow is Lent. Every year I give up three things that somehow help me engage with my WofY. {reminder: my word for 2016 is connect.} Every other year, giving up Facebook somehow seems to fit right in with my word. Whenever I’ve done it in the past, it’s fallen over my birthday and so I missed all the birthday love. This year Lent will end the day BEFORE my birthday… So that’s ironically fitting. :) So it’s Facebook, soda (because without intending to, I’ve found I am partaking in fountain soda much more regularly than I wanted) and sleeping past 6 in the morning. If nothing else, I guess I’ll be sleeping through my entire birthday, which is fine by me. I hate them anyway, and this year is bound to take the cake on horrible birthdays… I’m also vowing, this year, to do three things every day, for those 40 days: pray intentionally for my husband and our marriage, do something intentionally selfless, generous and kind for someone else, write for one hour (non-blogging or freelance) every day. If that day’s schedule means I have to wake up at 4:30 to fit it in, I guess that’s what I’ll have to do. I also want to have one real adventure and learn one new thing… Lofty, I know.

We have today, and that’s it. I KNOW I am supposed to make the most of it, but quite often I don’t pay attention to how significant the gift is… It’s a real gift. It’s the best gift, and I don’t want to be that girl on the couch wasting it, because I might emotionally feel like being that girl. I’ll regret it if I go through my life doing what I feel like, because these days what I feel like isn’t going to lead anywhere good…

Wish me luck on my intentional Lent, and journeying boldly and bravely through the 40 day countdown to my 40th birthday, or better yet- join me. :)

Friendly…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

swings

I’ve had several interesting conversations this past week, with friends. I’m all over the place, at this phase, in my life. I’ve cried across restaurant tables, fallen apart on friend’s couches, cried over coffee, cried all over voxer and facetime. While, in those instances I’m a blubbering mess, thankfully I’m not only that. I am not afraid to engage in the best parts of this new, uncomfortable life, and even when it hurts, it can be a beautiful journey.

At breakfast friday, a friend and I discussed how we are wired for connection. This is so true. While I believe everyone is designed for community, so many people have numbed or silenced those needs. She and I were in agreement that we just cannot. If I do not maintain an intentional connection with my friends, the friendship will wither. If I do not intentionally connect with others regularly, I will wither. These are just the facts and I have to accept them. While I was familiar with the feelings, and the longings I do not think I really embraced that this is not selfish, but a need in my design, until this very season in my life. There are times, in my life, when I am wandering lost in the desert and a good friend is the manna. The real key to this is keeping friends who understand this in me, without me having to ask them to, that actually want to be in intentional in our friendship… They are few and far between, people, this is a sad fact.

I recently lost a friend. We had met under awkward and strange circumstances and been there for each other over several years of highs and lows. There was a time when I simply could not imagine my life without her. She was my absolute best and dearest friend, in possibly the closest way I had ever known. Years into our friendship though, she became less and less present. This hurt me deeply, but I still continued to extend my hand to her. Sometimes she accepted, for a short time, before going back into her own world and closing the door on me. This was a cycle that continued for years, I’m sad to say. With any other friend I would have bid them goodbye and moved on, but for her I stuck it out because of how deeply I believed we were tied. In hindsight I see that I was obviously far more invested than she was, when it was no longer convenient for her. This was the newer pattern, and obviously the more permanent one. When I was in the darkest part of my life, this past fall, I leaned on her (along with a couple of other dear friends) because I still had an unrealistic perspective on our relationship. You live and you learn, I guess. During a period of time, back in the beginning of our friendship there was a person she was senselessly devoted to and I coined the phrase Undeserved Devotion. I did the same thing with her… Then again, it’s a  pattern for me, I’m seeing. I keep finding myself devoted to people who aren’t so invested. It’s a goal to correct this, in time.

I feel so deeply tied to the people I share connections with, that I look past the changes and when the intentional moments all become driven by me, I simply allow my inner demons to come and torment me about how unloveable and disposable I am. I don’t know the answer to these things, people are people. It’s as simple as that. I’ve had busy life moments which led me to falling away from intentionally connecting with people. What I see happen though is that I wither and then I am forced to put my priorities in check and admit my problem, so I make it up to them. When the above is true, and those other people just don’t ever step back up to the plate, it means they are out of the game and that’s ok… There is a difference between the busy seasons and the flat-out uninterested. We have to love and respect ourselves enough to tell the difference.

Their lack of interest is more of a reflection on them, than you or I. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with us. This is a huge lesson I’m learning, and I’m talking about it because I have a couple of friends who are also struggling with the same thing. It’s healthy to realize your need for relationship and connections. It is also healthy to communicate this, offer and receive it. The healthiest thing you can do for yourself is recognize who is truly in your tribe and let go of the ones you’re giving to, with no return.