hurt healing epoxy…

After seven heart breakingly unique and horrifying miscarriages, (six pregnancies, once was twins) i found myself very ill and in need of a hysterectomy. I was 24. Almost anyone reading my blog knows this part of the story. Almost everyone also knows that we were supposed to adopt a new born from Arizona, but the adoption fell through. About 6 months later we took in a pair of foster twin girls that we grew very attached to. Their birth mother had consented, after 6 months, to sign the papers when a loophole processed her out of jail and she took them back the day before our tenth month anniversary with them. 
The idea of motherhood, for me, was this crack spreading heartache and I found it impossible to grasp the beauty or joy of it. I had plenty of friends with children of their own, but i just could not quite fathom the amazingness of it. And then, I accepted this job at a group home. I met Lucas and Amanda there. Lucas was 11 and Amanda was 10, and I was so lucky to be there with them, and grow to love them more and more, over the course of the following year. In fact, much to our dismay they remained in that home until they graduated high school. Over that time I (and they) was told that my love was not real, that our bond did not exist and that our being a family was not good for anyone. I learned about how God is bigger than circumstance though, and the love and bond between us grew despite distances and circumstance. It was not ideal, even with visits twice a year and the occasional phone call and letters. In the middle of this distance, God literally dropped Genny into my lap. Everyday we tried to reconcile what our family meant, how real it could possibly be and what actual reality it could ever be- and those reconciliations would come up desperate and empty until my eyes would fall, once again, on the framed photos upon my nightstand. My heart would warm in a way that nothing before- or sense- had ever made it do. Peace would flood my veins and I would remember that the hows and the whys did not matter. All that mattered was truth, and the truth was that we were a family and belonged together.

And we got there.
Eventually it didn’t matter anymore. Eventually we could be honest and open. We could heal hurts and hearts and made family memories.
The three of them are very close, and for that I am beyond grateful. I am very close with each one of my kids, in very different ways. I have their laughter, the rise and falls of their voice and emotion, and a trillion other unique things about them filling what once were the cracks in my heart. Each ounce of loss prepared me to love them, each second of heart break determined me to love them more.

Some women get beautiful and amazing birth stories…
As for me, I got a love story.
A life story… Because first my kids, in essence, saved my life- and then they made my life far more than it could ever have been without them. My heart aches to say that they were meant to be mine, but I don’t believe that they were meant for the horrors they knew before us- so I guess it’s mostly that they are mine and I wouldn’t have it any other way… 

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rainydayinalmostmay…

So yeah, it’s been a ROUGH while at our house… What better than a bullet post to count the highlights? 
– I started having these completely debilitating cluster migraines. It seems to have subsided now, which professionals oddly call “the remission period”, which freaks me out a bit more than the clustery ice-pick-stabbing head spasms do. 
– Yes, I did read the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. I did like them. Sorry if that’s offensive, as it has apparently been to some. 
– In relation to the last point, I would like to point out that as a result my husband and I had a “hard limits/soft limits” discussion- and I listed my #1 hard limit to be his family. Oh. Yes. I. Did. 
– I also went and saw Blue Like Jazz, which was amazing. I think the hype it has gotten from the Sherwood pastor is EXACTLY what is wrong with the Christian church mentality, and why so many people are turned off by the idea of Christianity or being a Christian, or believing that Christians can be cool people who understand things and could be potential friends. 
– Judgement is ridiculous. 
– Genny had a raging 104 fever for two days, ended up being thrown out of one urgent care clinic (no, I’m not kidding. Cuz apparently that’s what the medical industry deems appropriate for kids with delusions and raging fevers.) and was diagnosed with Strep/Scarlet fever at another. 
– Her throat never hurt. 
– In the second ER, she sat crying in my lap begging for my hand to be against her forehead. Her head was so hot that it literally HURT to keep my palm there, and there was a red welt on my palm (which felt very much like a burn) which stayed for 3 days and still burns occasionally. Have NEVER had that happen and still it seems absurd. 
– Our beautiful Amanda graduated from Basic Training on Thursday. We couldn’t be there due to the expensive of silly things like attorneys, court fees, etc. It killed me to miss it for reasons I’ll some day talk about… It hurt us all I think. Genny the most, as she feels like she’s ruining everything… Which she isn’t. It sucks to be her, these days. 
– that being said, we are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO proud of Amanda, and will not miss her AIT graduation in San Antonio! Somehow we’ll be there. 
– I am at the end of my rope with homeschool. It just isn’t a great fit for us. But schooling at an actual school isn’t a great fit for Gen. Next step? We’ve applied at an online school and will find out if we get in within the next couple of weeks I guess. 
– Finally got the nearly $1000 bill for my husband to get those three stitches in his leg that day he accidentally stabbed himself. I just don’t understand the medical industry at all… Until then, living in actual fear over what the scarlet fever one will be… 
– I bought my husband tickets for he and a friend to go to this ridiculous MARVEL movie Marathon this Thursday. He is so excited that last night he drempt he was the Hulk. 
– Tomorrow is May. Maybe it’s the spring all around us, (finally), or maybe it’s something else. All I know is, we’re almost done with school and I feel somewhat encouraged by life. Optimistic that we’re better for what this year has been like so far and good is yet to come… 
– My son deploys to Afghanistan soon. It was supposed to be tomorrow, but it’s now moved to Mother’s Day. 
– I got out of the house for a lovely lunch, with a girl friend, on Saturday. Got to also see a couple of movies. The Lucky One and The Five Year Engagement…  Being a BIG Segel, Blunt and Apatow fan i LOVED the second one. LOVED LOVED LOVED it… As for the first one, it was good. It was kind of an ill-timed film to see, for a mom whose kid is going off to war. I totally want to say “that aside, I loved it”, but I can’t really “that aside”. 
– While Gen was down with SF, and I was clustering here and there- i got completely sucked into the world of Downton Abbey. *SWOON* 
What’s going on with you????
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Four…

I know I am late by 11 days… Late seems to explain a lot of areas of my life lately though, so that’s ok… 
Me– 
– make myself take time to read. 
– follow the instructions of my natur0path so that I can begin to get well. 
– take a time out, with a girlfriend/friends at least twice, this month. 
– water fitness/swim
– take/make more time for myself in all of the areas that I do not. 

Capture– 
– eggs
– umbrella
– toes
– puddles
– love
– growth
– happiness
– color
– celebration
– energy

Us– 
– walks
– fresh air
– baking
– sharing kitchen skills
– board games
– time with friends
– swimming

Heart– 
– read a book meant for my heart. 
– journal. 
– remember to be grateful, stay grateful, see grateful. 
– love my friends. 
– heal.

Home– 
– flowers, fresh, inside. 
– flowers, planted, outside. 
– home smells. 
– line dried linens
– fresh air

Health
– be in and consume water. 
– greens. 
– soft, easy to digest foods. 
– teas. 
– sleep. 


Love– 
– at least ONE date night, but hopefully two. 
– weekly devotion, talk and prayer time.
– remember to be respectful of him. ALWAYS. 

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Happy happy, joy joy, relief…

 Am I the only one who is breathing a sigh of relief that the holiday cluster is over?
Man oh man…

When Gen came to live with us, and we did our attachment therapy, we were told to make holiday traditions and make them STAND OUT.
Was this beneficial advice? Sure… When baskets of candy, and gift bags the size of a small refrigerator contained gifts that didn’t cost the same as a cheap car…

Now, well, with Christmas followed by Valentines day, then her birthday, then Easter (always near her birthday), plus the need for new spring/summer clothes- it’s exhausting…
And this year, with all of the legal stuff, we’ve had to get creative…

For example, instead of throwing a birthday party, we simply allowed her to invite one person to go to dinner and bowling. Other friends tagged along, (paying for themselves) and the bowling alley (who we paid NOTHING extra to) awesomely announced her birthday, autographed a vintage pin for her and made it special.

For her birthday gifts we shopped major sales (MAJOR) and were able to get her a new iPod (which she desperately needed) and a kindle (complete with 108 books) for what a party alone would have cost.

Then came easter. When we hadn’t a penny more, we stressed.
how do we make it special?
how do we make her feel like she isn’t paying a high price for this?
Introducing the less than $40 easter basket complete with BRAND NEW Converse, bath products, hair accessories, manicure items, DVD’s, loads of candy, gum and facial stuff. {95% of which was all “needs” anyway, added bonus}

The likes of which will never, ever be done again, I assure you. It was our frugal miracle, for sure…

And now, now we’re set until September when our family anniversary rolls around.

Happy us, free for another day of the evil parental guilt that nags at us, making us question if we’re “scarring her” further… The time and the legal stuff hasn’t hurt her during this difficult time when she needed to know nothing would change.

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