family – Page 31

Published on January 5, 2016January 5, 2016 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments

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January is full of such promise and yet I cannot find my way out of this undertow I’m stuck in. I cannot seem to catch my breath. When I manage sleep all I see are moments of the last 6 months and how my life has spiraled so far out of control. Every right thing decision that I made seemed to play its part and I knew it as it was happening. I actually lived a moment where I knew that my life would never be the same and that it was the beginning of the end. For awhile I convinced myself that it was an irrational fear nagging me, but I knew it wasn’t.

The amount of things I have had to attempt to process through over the past 6 months is more than my 30+ years before it. I have no idea how to be anymore, how to be today, how to be in this moment. I am beyond overwhelmed and truly do not know how to go on. A well-meaning friend says “this is when you rely on your family.” Another chimes in “Don’t be afraid to ask for help, love, support, hugs, whatever.” It’s amazing how simple things seem from the outside looking in. The translation of both of those things is “surely you have family like I do.” I don’t. and “just not from me, I’m busy with my husband and children right now.” Ouch. And call me crazy, but should someone (especially when they are already broken) really have to ask for those things? Since when did love stop being a verb?

Just when my eyes have all but swollen shut and it feels my heart is drained dry of tears, more flood to the surface.

I was called out, about a month ago, for being kind of a crappy person. It was said that I do things for others and create a place in their lives where people will need me so that I have people. It makes sense to me, though I’d never realized I did that before that conversation. I love in the way I want to be loved so I have tried to make myself valuable to the people who have had immense value to me. Apparently I’ve gone about it all wrong… It’s true though. Over the weeks since, I’ve thought a lot about the most important relationships in my life and in them I tend to make the majority of the effort. It’s a pattern I guess I created. This sums up my marriage, family and many close friendships. I can’t blame others for what I created, so instead I’ve stopped really making an effort and it’s not at all strange what has transpired… Nothing. If people need me, they rise up. If they don’t, I pretty much don’t exist. While this isn’t true for EVERY ONE, it’s the majority and again I can only blame myself.

I don’t know how to do today.

I have been going along forever really, handling everything on my own to ensure that I had a marriage, a family and a life to grow old in. Now I see that most of them were delusions… But still I wonder, which hurt less? The sitting in a Christmas Eve service with a husband a million miles away in his mind and a daughter who hates you, or sitting in a Christmas Eve service completely alone? The first hurts less, the latter is hell. I wish I had known that before hand. I feel like I’m feeling that a lot lately. There is comfort in the delusion.

I was called out by another friend, just the other day, about how she is alone too, and it sucks and basically welcome to her world. I totally deserved it. I wasn’t intending to minimize her situation as much as attempting clumsily to process mine. But it really is as simply as the first friend pointed out, I needed people to need me so that I felt value and worth because otherwise no one found me that way. People are great with the lip service and reassurances to the contrary but I’ve always valued the actions of others above their words and seldom do they align. I did it to myself.

When your life’s biggest fear- which is that if you stop pouring into the people you love, you will be disposable- comes true, then what?

I don’t know how to do today, but I don’t really have a choice.

Connect…

Published on January 2, 2016January 2, 2016 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

hello, 2016…

If first impressions mean anything, than I suspect you and I won’t really get along too well. It is the first day of a new year, a blank slate, a fresh chapter- and I can honestly say I’ve not quite caught up yet. This place I’m playing peek a boo with, inside of my heart and mind, is not a good place to be. It is dark, desolate, isolating and in it I find myself pretty afraid. I fear that I’ve just cycled through too much these past forty-five days…

Is that possible?

One day I was on a track, complete with dreams and plans. While it’s true that some of those plans may have eventually led me to the very pedestal of isolation I currently find myself on, being separated from my husband and such, the journey would have been very different and found me significantly more prepared and at peace. I’m full of so many aches and questions and the last thing in the world that I need is a bouquet of assumptions, mocking and an empty corner. It is no secret that I do not do well with change under the best of circumstances. Over these past five weeks though, so much has happened so fast. I’ve sailed along, able to focus on the next big thing while praying I’d make it through unscathed. Each thing brought about a new wave of feeling, fears and emptiness… And now, now there isn’t a big wave to focus on. The water is calm, while the sky holds threat of severe storms approaching. In this metaphor I guess it would be accurate to assess that I’m stuck there, in the sea, alone.

I am far from unscathed…

My word for this new year is Connect.

Nearly three years ago I moved away from a cluster of well-developed friendships, some of which did not survive the relocation. In those three years I tried desperately to form friendships in an area where this task just proved more impossible than anything else. Now I’m home and reminded daily that you can’t go back. The solution, (vital, at this point) would be to connect with others. Old friends, new friends, people…

Prior to the great move East, of ’13, I was fairly connected to myself. I worked in my art and felt whole with such endeavors. In that time away I lost more and more of my ability to create. Connecting to myself, channeling inspiration and finding the journey my soul needs to go on does seem equally as vital.

Learning to connect with my kids, especially my youngest, from across so many miles, and not as someone’s other half, but as me, feels like an insurmountable challenge.

Connecting with an educational program which will lead to the need of connecting with a community to grow in my career… Connecting with things I’ve lost touch with… With me, in other ways than simply art and written word… Connecting with God, connecting with the beauty that exists every where I am- even when that where has me isolated at sea… Connecting my heart to the song of the sea, connecting my eyes to the miracles around me. Connecting my time to a new routine. Connecting my body to where it is now, and how it is now, and how it may never be my ideal- or anyones… Connecting my confidence to the line where someone else’s approval doesn’t mean anything.

Connect. Connecting. Connection.

Hello, 2016. I don’t know anything about anything other than the fact that I’m so isolated, I’m so alone, I’m so tired, I’m so parched, I’m so trying-not-to-be-terrified. I’m so dazed in my mind and so incredibly far from a place of peace… But I’m here. I’m present.

While I’m no Gwyneth Paltrow…

Published on December 2, 2015December 2, 2015 by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

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The other night, out for coffee with a friend, she mentioned the oddness of my Separation. She’s not the first to point out a sort of discomfort with how seemingly peaceful things are between my husband and I. People seem unable to grasp the gentleness of it all.

And believe me, I use the word gentleness with great caution, because this process has truthfully been anything but…

My friend jokingly referenced the Martins and their Conscious Uncoupling. It was funny. We giggled, and then I realized that’s exactly what we’ve done. It isn’t that there is not room or just cause for resentments, anger and self-pity. Of course there are reasons for all of these things, on both sides. But Why? We simply decided to be better than settling for anger and hatred because that’s what has become the normal standard for failed relationships. The two of us have shared some powerful things and lowering ourselves to some societal expectation seems wasteful. Wasteful of time, wasteful of self-respect, dignity, the love and respect we share for our children, and the list goes on.

It isn’t easy. Not for one second.

The other day, mid-emotional meltdown I wanted to build a little resentment for how much easier his life is right now, than mine. And as I type this he would be completely justified in resenting me for him packing my things and loading them on a truck. This idea of Conscious Uncoupling, though ridiculed by the media, is something we should really look to, if a relationship simply can’t go on. It isn’t ideal to break up. No one unites with someone, with that in mind. But when each half of the couple, (or even one half) become so consumed with their failed expectations and resentments- no one wins. Not them, not the other, and especially not the kids.

My husband and I are the casual, american middle glass Chris and Gwyneth. People who don’t understand are free to not understand. Our decision, though not about anything other than this being the best decision for us, isn’t actually anyone else’s business. What we choose to share with others is our choice. I love my husband and am blessed to hold him among my dear friends. He is a great guy and I, as well as our kids, are so lucky to have him. This doesn’t mean this has been easy, or fun. It’s been the opposite. And sure, there are things I grieve… That hug always available when a day has been hard, or something nice happens; Someone to hold me when I just can’t bear to feel alone; that warm foot in the bed, to touch with mine, when it’s cold… None of these things are reasons to stay together, though they are nice and make life a little brighter, one can live without them. Along with Consciously Uncoupling, I am consciously learning to live in the moment and stand on my own. It’s terrifying, overwhelming and so many other things.

At least I’m conscious though, there’s that…

What I learned in June…

Published on July 2, 2015 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay3 Comments

1.) My eyesight has gotten so much worse, and by worse I mean that I now need Progressive lenses. Boo. I couldn’t figure out why I was A.) spending less time reading/writing online and B.) reading (books) hardly at all. Turns out it was incredibly hard on my eyes.

2.) Getting old is EXPENSIVE. (and by old, of course I mean 39.) Progressive Lenses are insanely expensive. My eye doctor quoted $700, and then I finally learned Costco would do glasses and new sunglasses for $250 after insurance. I remember back when I wore regular glasses, and those were so affordable in comparison.

3.) Toxic people really do lash out and try to pull you into their toxic disrupt. With this lesson, which I’d realized, (but before June, it had only been evident in people I was close with, which provided different elements) comes their inability to see reality beyond their damaged, self-tinted perspective. Immediate boundaries are vital and key.

4.) Painting a front door is a miracle worker. Sure, I knew painting anything could be, but the front door thing is new to me. I’m sold…

5.) Apparently, when I’m under a lot of stress and I need a vacation, I mentally check out with Netflix. After the recommendation of a series earlier this month, by several friends, Last week my awesome friend Megan over at An Unruly Life turned me on to Korean Dramas. Over the span of a few days Gen and I were immersed in a show called Fated to Love You, and it’s been all things Korean ever since. She’s wanting Ramen for lunch, (which she loved anyway), we’re listening to KPop and now wrapped up in a Korean Teen drama. I am already a lover of Kimchee though I’m yet to find any as good as a local restaurant here makes, to bring home and eat. Genny is hoping to find a nice Korean boy to marry and take her to his country to live… (The last bit may be going a bit too far, but it’s all new for her so I’ll let it slide.)

6.) I’m continually reminded we aren’t in Kansas anymore, Toto. And by Kansas, I of course mean Idaho. Things here are so different and sometimes I get so caught up in normal life that I forget. There were a handful of things that happened in June which were harsh reminders… Adapt, Misty, Adapt…

7.) I absolutely LOVE notes and messages from listeners of our podcast. When we started, I wasn’t sure if it would just be friends, but we get some of the sweetest notes. We don’t do it for any reason other than we believe our experiences in marriage and parenting are worth sharing because we believe there are others out there who may be able to benefit from them. If you listen, thank you! You’re the best!

8.) I am part of a Mystery Mom pen pal exchange that I love. I’ve been doing it for months, but it wasn’t until it wrapped up the end of May and restarted in June that it really hit me, how huge of an impact it is in my life. I LOVE it. If you know me at all, you KNOW that i absolutely LOVE to bless others and make them feel loved. This is so up my alley and I’m a firm believer that when things are overwhelming for you, one of the best things you can do is bless others.

9.) I NEED to shake up my work out routine…

10.) My husband is my rock. I knew this to a severe extent, but this past month he has proven himself so much more so than I could even have imagined. What I would do without him, I hope I never, ever, ever have to find out. I can honestly say if I did not have him, I doubt I would be sane, or here at all, today. As Salt ‘n Pepa would say- What a Man, What a Man, What a Man, What a Mighty Good Man…

Mama really does know best…

Published on June 25, 2015 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay3 Comments

We have our Summer Bucket-list going strong… We’ve made a fair amount of progress already, considering school has only been out for one full week. What began as a countdown until days of sleeping in and low expectations, aside from our sixteen year old’s part-time job that is, too roughly a week to spur immense negativity and complaints about nothing to do.

Here’s the reality, this sweet girl of ours has a small collection of chores. While we know kids who have a lot more, she boasts of kids who have a lot less. It’s pretty much neither here nor there because either she does them (well) and maintains a level of kindness and decent attitude while taking responsibility for her choices or she doesn’t. One path results in privileges, the other one results in none. It’s pretty simple. It’s pretty old school. She loves to get off on a tangent about how other kids down have to deal with that, to which I’ll simply reply “right, but do they make the same choices you’re making as often as you’re making them that led to the necessity of this plan in the first place?” Sometimes I’ll get a mouthy but I’m sixteen… And I’ll sadly sigh and say “My point exactly kiddo, you should know better. {Parenting can be so fun!}

Last week our major issue was that she constantly interrupted me during my work (at home) hours to entertain her. Would I play a game with her. Would I watch a movie with her. Would I take her shopping. Would I ________…She knew that I had time carved out EVERY DAY for those things, unless she had something else planned. This is not her first school break. She was just bored and wanted to be entertained. When this wouldn’t pan out for her and we would both wind up frustrated, she would retreat to bed where she would want to spend the rest of the day sleeping, reading or looking incessantly at her yearbook. We, her parents, saw many issues with this plan but decided to see if she’d iron it out herself, though one big issue was come ten at night she was full of energy and wanting to stay up and be active for the next several hours.

Yesterday, as we settled back into the routine after a weekend away, this cycle started again and I told her to go find something constructive to do. Sure enough, a few minutes later, I walked by her bedroom and she’s once again gone to bed, with her yearbook. I went in and walked to her about the beautiful gift she’s been given, of a brain that functions brilliantly and a strong body that works. I told her she has the whole summer ahead of her and we won’t allow her to waste it. That if she ends up worn out or exhausted, that warrants a nap, but every day laziness from boredom isn’t a reason. I also explained to her that I work so that she can have and do things, and she needs to respect that as much as I respect her school and work time. I pointed out that her needing me, or a friend to entertain her isn’t any different from lying around. This was not a discussion she was thrilled with. If you have a teen girl like mine, extremes were run to and before I know it she’s telling me that I’ve forbidden her from reading over the summer. My daughter is a BOOK WORM. I would never… But I did tell her she would not be going to bed to read anymore. She could read on the floor, in a chair, on the couch, in the yard, under a tree, on the deck, in the hammock, at the park, in the car, in the tub. Anywhere but bed.

I’m such a horrible mother…

Today she motivated herself to do some yard work, she laid on a quilt in the yard and did some fashion sketching and then she read. This afternoon we played the WiiU for a couple of hours and then she offered to help her dad with some more yard work. After her shower she said “I am exhausted, I will sleep good tonight!” And I smiled. Not only does she feel better going to bed tonight, but she likely feels better about herself too…