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The journey…

Published on December 16, 2016 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

I have been fairly transparent, on this page, regarding my journey through 2016. In that, I have touched a little on how the band Hillsong United has been a part of that journey. To other people this may sound a bit ridiculous as they are a band and I do not actually know them. It all began with a very broken Sunday morning in church, and a song whose lyrics seemed to dig into my vulnerability in a way I had never experienced before. Through a discussion with a friend, and a chain of events which unfolded from there, I ended up resting my aching, tired spirit to music from Hillsong United. Through each leg of the journey, this year, a new song would reach me, balm me and grow me forward.

I had a very selfless, special friend who had really helped me out and I wanted to do something for her so I bought us tickets to see Hillsong in Boise, in May. I was in a very raw time, my youngest had nearly died from alcohol poisoning, 2000 miles from where I lived. My marriage was at it’s lowest point and while my tendency would have been to feel hopeless about the future, I found myself content to rest exactly where I was. Things could not have been more uncertain for me, and yet for the first time ever, I was ok with whatever were to happen.

I walked into that show, excited to hear the songs performed, which had meant so much to me. I left that show moved in ways I could not have imagined. Things had been said and spoken on that stage, and within the crowd, which led to personal healing and grace (from me towards myself and others in my life) like I had never experienced. I did not walk out those doors, on that starry night, the same person who had walked in them.

A few months later I was able to give tickets to a reader, and see them again in Chicago. While it was a different experience, it was no less meaningful.

Earlier this week I was honored to get to have a phone call with Taya Smith, of Hillsong United. While yes, I am a huge fan (and do follow her and several other members on various forms of social media) I also really admire and respect her as a person. Over the years I have sat across from many celebrities, interviewing and talking, but where Taya is concerned, it felt completely different. My respect for her is more human and less celebrity awe. I think a lot of this, honestly, has to do with their transparency as people. Anyone who has seen them perform, or who has even seen their documentary, can tell you that they aren’t performers as much as people living their passion and loving others. There is a difference…

My call with Taya was a really great, and fitting end to this leg of my journey and the part that she has played in my growth and healing. I would love to play the audio for you so you can hear the sincerity in her answers. Instead, on Monday, I will post the write up of our conversation. I really contemplated a series of nine questions and knew that, while I would not have time to ask her all of them, I could let it flow organically and go to the questions which seemed to naturally flow. I was able to get in three. Much to my daughter’s sadness, I did not get to ask the Justin Bieber question that she believes her future/marriage/and happiness were riding on. (Oh well, Next time.)

So come back Monday, for the interview… In the meantime, enjoy this video of Taya singing, and be sure to enter my super awesome Christmas giveaway!

Togetherness… {A giveaway}

Published on December 15, 2016 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay20 Comments

Oh Christmas Tree... I’m going to be honest… I have really struggled with writing this post. I wanted to talk about what Christmas means to me and how my faith plays a part in that. This is a timely post and while I deeply love both Christmas and my faith, and for me personally the two are intertwined, I am still on the cusp of what has been an incredibly difficult leg of my life journey. To sit here and tell you how much I adore Christmas, and this is why and this is how my family celebrates, seems so fake and contrived. Sure, we have traditions and we somehow managed to continue those traditions (for the most part) when we were apart last Christmas… But truthfully, I still cringe with so many raw and broken emotions when I think about last Christmas. It is almost like I had loved the season so deeply, and then we had a terrible break up and I feel like I can never look at it the same again…

What I want, this Christmas, is for that feeling to go away and for the magic to be restored. Before the horrible holiday season of 2015, my youngest daughter and I loved cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies. We all loved our trips to the city to watch black and white Christmas movies on the big screen. We bought special outfits to dress up in for our annual “family date.” Last year we had tickets to Newsies. Chw and Gen went alone, of course. On my wall of Playbills, that one hangs there screaming at me of all the mistakes I have made, ways I have both wounded and been wounded, and all that was broken when adulthood just got too hard.

For me Christmas means so many things, different things than they did before last December, but possibly that is simply a part of growing up. Whenever life is hard, or hurts, it seems like the holidays accentuate that. Two Decembers ago, we sat in a New Jersey hospital, afraid that someone dear to us would not wake up. Last December I unpacked my life in the last place I wanted to be, going through the motions of what I felt like I was supposed to be doing, while dying more and more, and more on the inside. Having a faith in Jesus gives my heart reason to celebrate Christmas. Having a faith in Jesus is perhaps the only thing that stopped me from not ending my life last Christmas day when I finally woke up to the reality of life crashing down all around me. Today, in this season, I am not one hundred percent clear about how my faith and the holidays fit together. I could write up some plastic piece which sounds right, and is something I probably would have felt 14 months ago. I don’t want to be that person. Last Christmas looms, in my mind, like the boogeyman. I feel overwhelmed with this need to make up for it, to make it better, to be better and to never be there again. Gone is the magic or sentiment of any beautiful Christmas before, as the shadow of last Christmas hides them all. The Hallmark movies were unbearable for me to sit through, and I saw this play out in Gen as well, though we both tried to force it for a while. It only feels like Christmas because of the sparkly tree and gift wrap. Unspokenly, for me, it all feels so terrifying and like I don’t belong.

It is that last little bit, which has navigated me through. It has driven me as I focus on acts of kindness towards others. We’ve sponsored a family, bought gifts for a young girl and I have tried so very hard to spread genuine kindness and cheer to an increasing number of people who want no part of either. Perhaps this bleak and overwhelming fear I feel is closer to what many feel, where Christmas is concerned.

For me Christmas means Togetherness… Together, an honest connection between my faith and my action. Together with friends and family, wherever we’re at, no fakeness needed. Together within myself. Allowing me to be right where I am at, not drowning within the sea of my expectations and personal disappointment. Holding it together, keeping it together, reaching out, connecting and moving through this season together in every possible way the word can be… Together with God, together with loved ones. Slowly glueing my pieces back in place.

In what has been the absolute worst year of my life, I have had a few bright spots. Two of these come in the forms of really lovely films I’ve had the privilege of writing a bit about before. I loved both of these movies a great deal.

Hillsong: Let Hope Rise follows Hillsong United as they share a bit of their journey both as a band, and individually. It is a moving showcase in the dark days we face, coupled with how God can truly do the unexpected in our lives. As I have said here before, Hillsong has played such a vital part in my year and growth. I truly love this movie for its authenticity and relevance.

Greater is the inspiring true story of college football player Brandon Burlsworth. His journey is one that taught me so much about my own faith and how I live my life. There are not enough things I could say…

BOTH films are releasing on Blu-ray/DVD Tuesday December 20th, just in time for Christmas. I am giving away a movie night bundle to a reader, including copies of BOTH films. Simply comment on THIS POST by December 20th, at 12 a.m. with what Christmas means to you, to be entered.

Movie, movie, movie…

Published on December 6, 2016December 6, 2016 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

This morning was shaping up to be a great day for a variety of reasons. This morning, when I found myself wide awake after only a couple of hours of restless sleep, I decided this within the wee hours of the dark night, and so far it is. I mean, sure, I am feeling pretty tired. By 7 a.m. I’d already done half of our weekly laundry, watched an episode of Jane the Virgin, caught up on emails, had breakfast and coffee with my husband and done a little writing. Also admitting that my entire To do list is more of a hoping to get to list, and have a little grace for that.

As an avid movie lover, 2016 has been a bit of a let down for me. I am wondering if this is because I am just getting older… Or maybe it is that 2016 has been such a hard year that suddenly (*gasp*) movies felt less important than before… (truthfully, this last one just doesn’t feel true, but I guess it is still a possibility.) More often than not, these days, we sit here and feel unanimously like there is nothing worth going to see. Despite these less feelings, there have been some really great movies that I loved, come out this year. One of my all time favorites was Storks. I know, I know. This sounds ridiculous, especially since I am not an animated fan typically. I took my grandson to see it, and then my husband. And then my best friend. And in the wee hours of this morning, when apple alerted me to the fact that my pre-buy was available- I very nearly curled up on my couch to watch it alone.

Today was a pretty good movie release date, through Apple. Hillsong, Let Hope Rise is waiting for me, along with The Hollars. Both of which were also films I loved this year. (there will be more on Hillsong LHR, closer to the dvd release date.)

I was thinking, this morning, about classic Hollywood vs current. One of my favorite modern Christmas movies, The Holiday, touches on how back in the day, it was a big deal that a small handful of movies opened in a quarter. Now, a dozen plus movies open each month, and three months later we are watching them at home. It is fascinating really, but if you look at so many of those old movies in comparison to so many of our now films, it is easy to spot a difference in quality. Sure, special effects are better, images are sharper and sound is more layered, but it takes more than some software to make a story come to life. While there are movies I still fall in love with, I am admitting that (even for this die-hard movie obsessor) quality trumps quantity every time…

In honor of Award’s season beginning and the Golden Glob noms coming on Monday I wanted to leave a little list of the 2016 releases I actually loved. Feel free to share what you’ve loved!

The Hollars

The Finest Hours

Hello My Name is Doris

Money Monster

The Meddler

XMen Apocalypse

Free State of Jones

Ghostbusters

Bad Moms

Imperium

Greater

Hillsong LHR

Storks

Arrival

I have seen a ton more but these stuck with me… Some because they were crazy funny, some because they moved me and some because it’s just thought-provoking… Have you seen movies lately, you love?

With mama in her ‘kercheif…

Published on December 5, 2016 by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

Sleep and I have never been good friends. Even as a young girl, I remember laying awake for hours, just watching the clock. I would tell my mom about this, because she was a grown up and could therefore fix all problems, but she just told me I was lying and should stop.

This laying awake for hours, each night, became a thing that would last for the whole of my life, most nights. The imagine can be in those dark, quiet nights. Though I was not a fan of working the graveyard shift, I learned that my mind is at it’s wildest, most productive time, in those hours. Later, when my husband worked nights (well, until 3 a.m.) I realized that these hours meant I would sleep the most and be the most productive.

Alas, now I am a real grown up too. My schedule is that of normal hours and my sleep is the same mangled mess it has always been. During the time that I was alone in Idaho, earlier this year, I got into the bad habit of falling asleep to tv. I think that it was because I didn’t feel so alone.At any rate, now there are nights when I simply can not shut my mind off without a tv show. (the unexpected downside to this is that it may take me 6 nights to actually get through an episode because I fall asleep.) The issue I am having, sleep wise, as of late is that I am having the most bizarre, vivid dreams. It is like they speak in screams, they are so bold. I am not getting quality rest and am waking up completely exhausted. While I am a big believer in dreams being my psyche processing what I am dealing with subconsciously, these dreams are so utterly ridiculous.

Every night, these past few weeks, go a little like this:

go to bed.
an episode of tv.
fall asleep for about 20 min.
wake up, tv off.
lay awake for about an hour.
sleep fitfully, for a few hours.
wake up for about an hour, lay there and pray.
fall asleep into deep, weird dreams for a few hours.

It’s awful. I am so tired.

As a result I have been thinking a lot about REST. What is rest? How can I achieve this when my nights are working against me? And, question of the hour: what is it that is psychologically causing this?

This week, with a fresh (loosely knitted) blanket of snow on the ground and a peace dangling ornamentally from the sky, I am on a quest to answer this question… Any wisdom to share?

It was an odd day…

Published on December 3, 2016 by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

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I was walking with a friend when I happened upon a flyer advertising a Halloween town display. Apparently Jack Skellington would be there, and it would transition, as you walked through, from H-town to Christmas town. I LOVE Nightmare Before Christmas and thought this was AMAZING. Tim Burton had apparently designed the set and I was so excited. Tickets to walk through would be $75.

Ouch…

As I was talking with my friend, Nev Schulman approached us and told me about how he was managing the inner city Target through Christmas and that employees of that Target could get tickets for $10. He asked me if I’d like a job there. What?! A job at Target, cheaper tickets, AND Nev would be my boss? (I mean, who doesn’t love Target?! And Nev! Could I meet Max? This was turning out to be the best day ever!)

This is how I became a seasonal Target employee.

The Target was odd. It was in an old, renovated home. The home was two stories and Target’s home decor items and furniture were all displayed in the way that kitzy little shops-in-old-houses display things, which was fun. I felt it was a little confusing though, because, what if I needed toilet paper? Where was that? Or peanut butter? Tampons? I was puzzled.

As it turned out, I was not cut out for the Target life. I messed up, day one. The incident was something random that I am still confused by, so I won’t get into it… Not the point, anyway, Nev had to let me go. Fun fact! Apparently seasonal employees have “send off’s” when they are let go. You are given a Christmas onesie to put on, and you have to walk around the house/store so that employees can stick candy in your onesie. I still got my cheap tickets though, so it was worth it.

And on a side note- what the heck was happening in my psyche to have a dream like this???