Yesterday I was in such a great place mentally. So many things, things I’d entered into counseling last year to understand, suddenly made sense. I felt finally that this confusion I’d had regarding how my marriage turned down the path it did, was gone.
And then, last night, I talked to Chw. He shared with me how his portion of our marriage was a lie. He did not care about me, maybe ever. He expressed to me how awful I was to him and how he could never have been happy with me. He expressed my parenting flaws. It went on and on. Broken, I cried out that he should have told me so we could have worked on these things together instead of lying to me. He made it clear that it wasn’t a desire he had.
Today, I am in the worst place mentally. So many things I’d said in counseling about my worst fears, my deepest, darkest fears are true. Horrifyingly everything makes the most sense.
Years ago, after trying to have a relationship with my father, I was presented with an accrued list of my shortcomings and disappointments. This felt the same, but a million times worse. The irony is I love lists and I have been given quite a few now, about how I’m of no value and such an incredible disappointment. I am a fool for ever trying, for every wanting to be loved, for ever loving. Period.
I am so tired. Tired of not being enough. Tired of being the easiest person to lie to, the easiest person to leave. When I love someone I love deep and through. I think I’m done with that now. I have to be done with that.
In this moment today I am completely void of any love, any hope, any anything.