On giving thanks…

I’ve talked before about themes that life takes, and how mine consistently follows suit in such a way. 
Well, this month, as i am devoting first thing every morning to focusing on things which i am grateful for- i am having an unexpected undertow issue and honestly i just don’t know what to do with it. 
And the thing is, I can look back and see peek-a-boos and threats of it, before these past few weeks, but I guess they didn’t just grab my attention enough. 
I like to take the time to focus a bit extra on things I’m (sometimes unexpectedly) grateful for, because it’s like a great perspective flush. For example, I am still in tremendous back pain, (week 4) and I am ticking down the hours until we stick my son on a plane and send him back to Afghanistan. Both of these, (more so the second) are ultra crappy things… But with my perspective flush/cleanse, I can be grateful that there is significant improvement regarding my back AND that we’ve had sixteen amazing days with our son, who is more and more becoming a man that we are so blessed by and proud of. 
See. Like magic. This was my goal/hope… 
But. 
BUT… 
Instead I feel restless. Like, is this it? Is this all there is? Wake up, breakfast, homeschool, write/edit, lunch, homeschool, write/edit, make dinner and then run around or veg the evening away until bed, where I wake up and do it all again. Every. Day. 
The only things that differ are how often I’ll have to fight with my kid, or if I’ll have to throw errands into the mix. 
Every morning, with my gratitude thoughts comes this increasingly louder, little voice that yearns for something more. Something less trivial. Something more vital…
I don’t even know what that means… And it isn’t even like i feel like my life is “less”. God knows I don’t. Some days I am so overwhelmed and exhausted that I think I couldn’t handle anything more.
But I feel like it’s a different kind of more. 
Or maybe I’m just a blubbering fool. 
Maybe it’s the writer in me longing.
Maybe… 
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Categories: Misc.

2 Comments »

  1. You have such a beautiful life! Your son going back to Afghanistan is really tough, but you still get to fill young a mind with knowledge and take care of them. That has to be one of the best jobs in the world, and I think you are doing a great job.I have a pretty nice life, too, but I still sometimes think to myself, "Is this is? Is this all I'm going to be?" I feel ya.

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