beautiful, gratitude, journey, music

Water your lawns, ya’ll…

I am stuck, headphones in my ear, in a 90’s funk. Nothing like the soothing, when life was simpler, nostalgia of a little Goo Goo Dolls, Savage Garden and Blind Melon. 
I have been hairline deep in a writing deadline, and it seemed the only times I would come up for air would be to deal with kid drama. 
You know, the kind where your kid is exceptionally self destructive and there seems to be a million different non-solutions but no actual ones. Except for the one we’re trying, anyway, which involves a whole lot of “So what?” and secretly I really like it. It also involves more constructive uses of her time. We’ll see… 
Anyway, back to my 90’s funk. 
Here’s the thing, life sucked in the 90’s. 
Every few months I was hospitalized, in surgery or having a miscarriage. 
My family all but ostercized me, for one reason or another. 
I became a foster parent and was on my way to adopting two twin girls that I adored, when they were ripped from my heart due to a loop hole. 
We were young and broke. 
I had the confidence of a mud puddle. 
My husband left me for another woman. 
And those are honestly just the highlights of suckage… 
And yet, a song can come on the radio or playlist, and my heart can swell with nostalgia. 
Suddenly I can think about that time that one boy sang me that one song. 
I can remember how great that ridiculously large Italian soda tasted on hot august days, or how amazing that beach summer, full of first love was. 
Somehow memory filters the complete psychoticness of the singing boy, the horrible cream belly ache of the soda and the unbelievable heart shattering of the post-beach summer. 
Are we wired to want anything that is not right now? 
To remember the past with admiration and fondness, or to stare off into the future in the hopes of a plusher green grass to press our toes to… 
I don’t know… I just know that though the nineties currently play on, in my ears, I am going to borrow a little wisdom from someone who is here RIGHT NOW- (well not “here” as much as here…)
“The grass ain’t always greener on the other side, 
it’s green where you water it.”
             ~ Big Sean (in Justin Bieber’s As Long As You Love Me.)
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