After a weekend where Genny wasn’t around much, which we hear is normal as kids get older, we woke up Sunday morning to snow and an overall since of blah.
It’s weird, having your kid(s) with you all of the time, and then going a couple of days without them being there much at all. (She did come home Friday to sleep, shower, hang out doing a project with her dad and then be driven somewhere else for the rest of the weekend- thoughtful girl that she is…)
It’s amazing how quickly things change.
She spent the weekend with my sister just two weekends ago. There was an overall happiness and general encouragement about the state of things. Life was good.
And now? Now today we realize that, though it isn’t likely, we could have endless days of no Gen. Even the slightest of possibilities scares us senseless…
So, for the second day in a row, i retreat to my office to write. No interruptions, no one needing breakfast. No one needing anything, which should feel great since I feel like garbage (health wise).
But, perspective… It feels empty.
Chw retreats out to the wood and power tools to work on my birthday gift, that he’s been spending stolen moments on for weeks. Neither of us admit, out loud, that most of this stuff doesn’t mean anything at all if our family becomes no more.
It’s a develish thing. One day it makes the late night cinema jaunt feel like an exciting escape and the next it only feels like a way to fill the hours.
So i write, and I clean. I organize and I blast music that moves me, through headphones, into my ears. Below me, when I mute them, I hear Chw’s own load music as he hammers and saws.
I love him.
I know as well as i know anything that he loves me.
I am pretty sure this chasm does not love either one of us, and it’s name is what if, and I hate it.