I apologize about the ugliness and depth that the direction of this post will take. There is just something that has been tumbling about, in my brain, and finally i got to the point where I knew I had to let it out…
Do you ever realize how many times rape, child abuse and molestation come up in the news? I truthfully never did until I found myself living back at home, as an adult, and watching the news with my very own child rapist step dad and my mom- who protected him. Now, of course, I am still hypersensitive about it and therefore don’t watch the news. It is horribly sad and tragic- the paths people take, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t care if I choose not to give the media my attention. Even so though, sometimes a friend will post the link to a story on Facebook and i’ll find out about things that way. That was how i learned of this story. {If you do not want to click over and read it, I will summarize. Man arrested due to the RAPE and murder of a 1 month old baby girl.}
This story happened in NM, where I’m from. This story is sickening and disgusting and in no way would i EVER compare what happened to that beautiful little baby- as to what i went through as a child. This story made me authentically ill. There are no words. So, when my mom called me and the story came up- that awkward elephant from our past crept into the conversation…
My stepdad left my mom around 2002, 2003. It broke her heart and she became suicidal. As time passed though, she got a little better. She began to see herself (or says she did) as better off without him. In 2006 she finally admitted to me that she knew I was telling the truth about his abuse. (I had reported him the first time in 1988 when I was 12 years old.) Those 4 minutes when my mom gave me the validation i had waited so long for, were the most freeing and healing 4 minutes of my life. Immediately following those four minutes though, my mom proceeded to tell me that it wasn’t her fault she didn’t realize it before- she had been molested as a young girl. She also went on to tell me she hadn’t known and had she of known what he was doing, she would have sent him to jail.
Turns out, she was molested. The rest though, were lies of course.
She had known. Every inch of what happened, spanning a near 10 years, happened under her nose. Everyone knew about it. A near entire town knew what was happening, but no one knew what to do. It was that shady time when certain things were better off behind closed doors. My family made the decision to send me away and sweep the whole mess under the rug- rather confront the scandal and shame of it. My mother was given the opportunity by the state of NM to choose. She chose him. For the rest of my adolescence she was given the same opportunity repetitively- and she always chose him. At least until he no longer chose her- then her song changed. She blames him for everything. Blames not knowing. Blame. Blame. Blame.
It is a sick sport, this casting blame. Sure, there was blame to be had by him more than anyone else, but she has significant responsibility too.
Whenever it comes up with her, which is far more than I’d like, it is all about her. With the story of this baby, she went from outrage to who could do something like that? From that point she moved on to anyone who does anything to a child, 1 month to 12 years old, should be taken out and have their penis cut off. Of course, this is where I attempted to steer the conversation in another route. Before long she was telling me that, had she of known what he was doing… blah blah blah…
The thing is, it doesn’t matter. While I don’t like hearing her pretend she knew nothing because I was there too and i know that’s not the truth- the reality is it truly doesn’t matter. it was a long time ago. I’ve not only gone through healing and therapy, but I am able to acknowledge that I am a better person for what I went through. I am also able to understand things about my youngest, that stem from her sexual abuse before being placed with us. I am grateful for that. I don’t walk around on some Victim of Rape crutch, but my mom kind of does. She’s a victim in what happened to her as a child, which led her to poor men choices and placed her in the position where she literally had to trade her own child- by turning a blind eye- for security and the closest thing she believed she deserved- to true love. When that went south, she plays the victim to that too. She lost… She lost… he hurt her… he hurt her daughter… blah blah blah.
I am sorry she went through anything she did. I really am. I love my mom and I find it sad. I have long since forgiven her and her responsibility. I’ve moved past it- but she hasn’t because she just can’t accept the truth of it.
I guess I have just grown really sick and tired of a world where no one accepts responsibility for things. Likely this man, in jail, denies his actions. (i don’t know whether he does or not.) My 12 year old lies and steals like she doesn’t know any better but it’s never her fault. My sister constantly puts herself above every one/thing in her life and never stops to think, and then winds up in the same positions and cries about how life is so hard to her and why does God let these things happen…
Why can’t we own up to what we do?
Why do the Casey Anthony’s of the world walk away? How? How do they?
Maybe it’s what i’ve seen with my mom and the blame game, but I can’t imagine letting another person take the blame for some hurt that I caused.
I just don’t get it.
Rainy Day in May... 
I'm sorry Misty. :-( I wish you could find peace.
This must have been a difficult post to write, and applause for your courage is warranted! I am with you in continual disbelief for the way people don't take responsibility for their actions. It's the one thing any person can control–how they react to the world and their own human nature. If we all took care of our own (and those placed in our paths), the world would be a better place. ((hugs))
well thanks but really, for my situation I have peace. Much healing has taken place. Honestly, it's just my very minimal tolerance of people who choose to be/remain victims for sympathy rather than try to accept their own responsibilities and move on… Sure, consequences suck, but doesn't the victim misery and inability to move on from a situation suck worse?
Kudos to you for throwing it all out there and calling it like it is. Victims are victims, but remaining a victim is a choice. I choose to take what happened in my past and let it make me stronger, wiser and a better empathizer instead of letting the ropes of sin and shame keep me tied down to a role that isn't something God would have me be. Love you Misty, and I love how you speak your heart.
Jenn, you are so right… SO right.
Lexi, exactly. And ropes is right. It's nothing but bondage to keep yourself in that position. The truth will set you free, always… and thank you…
Wow, Misty! I don't know if I'd have brave enough to write something like that. You are amazing & so right.
thanks heather… it probably might have been more stupidity than courage, but whatever. :)
thanks heather… it probably might have been more stupidity than courage, but whatever. :)
My past is scarred in different ways than yours, but my present holds the same disbelief of people inability to have a conscience. I don't watch the news for those very reasons. There is just so much injustice and unkindness and I'd rather just hold my people close and teach them as best I can to be better than what is portrayed as 'newsworthy'. Thank you for sharing. It may get easier, but it's always raw.
this is a loaded post, one i'm glad i read because honeslty, all of this time i had no idea. it was as difficult to read as i'm sure it was to write. what i know for sure is that my grandmother will never, ever take any kind of responsibility for her actions, nor things that happened to my mom, aunt and uncles after her husband died and had four kids to care for on her own. she was a victim and will always be a victim. my mom is a victim of her childhood as a result of the way her mother dealt with being a widow and single mother to four children and she blocks and drinks most of it away. my grandmother's vice was men, men who hurt my mom and her siblings. my mom's post-divorce vow to never bring a man into the house but instead she brought bottles of rum and wine every single night. as a result, i was never taught about accepting blame or responsibility for anything, rather how to bottle feelings with alcohol. pretty much everything in my mom's sorry life was either her mother's fault or my dad's fault until she couldn't blame them anymore and started blaming my brother and i. conditionally, i've been a victim or child of a victim from my earliest memory. my drug issues, drinking issues, lying issues, husband stealing issues, cheating issues. have i ever had the tools or teachings to take responsibility for my actions? no. my tools were to escape via substance or fantasy.all that disbelief in people not taking responsibility and victimization? easier said than done. personally, i didn't even begin to grasp the concept until my 30s.