i kind of had this relationship between my divorce and reconciliation. We had been friends, (albeit new friends) when my marriage fell apart and then, a few months later he professed his love for me.
Truly, Madly, Deeply by Savage Garden, to be exact.
It’s kind of funny because the emotion that song evoked, in me, upon gaining national radio (over played) airtime was more along the gagging, eye roll expressing emotion. When you fast forward a year or so, add a guy to the mix and when he sings that song to me (expressing that it is his favorite song EVER) suddenly it is the most exceptionally beautiful song ever written…
But we, as people are kind of complex like that.
I mean, I love my husband. I LOVE him, and I believe that in loving him- more than anything else- it means I am actively choosing him constantly. And the thing about choosing is that I did choose my husband over the Truly, Madly, Deeply guy. The one person who had been there (aside from Chw and I) to know the hurt and pain that was my every day existence. We grew as close as we did, in the short time frame that we did because my husband sadly left me with nothing but broken shambles of something that hadn’t been so great to begin with. He got to know me through my fragmented life, my fragmented heart. Did he love me truly, madly or deeply? Maybe. In his own way. Did I love him? I did. Not in the way I ever loved my husband, or anyone else for that matter. It was something real though.
Something from a long time ago.
And I’ve never regretting coming home to Chw.
I have never regretting closing that door and telling the TMD guy goodbye… NEVER.
And then, one day I am driving down the road and what song should come on the radio?
And rationally I think, it shouldn’t matter. It’s over. That was a long time ago and I do love my husband in a way that nothing else could even remotely compare to.
Yet, my heart stirs.
Something tugs internally, and tears threaten to stream.
And I thank God that although I love my husband every day, that on this particular one I wasn’t harboring any resentment or anger towards him because folks- that moment right there is the stuff that affairs and divorce grow from.
That’s the seeds.
No matter how safe or protected we believe we are- the seeds ARE there as sure as our heart and lungs are. They are there, in one form or another, and they wait.
They wait to tug when we are in that frame of mind that might nurture them along. Maybe it’s a nostalgic moment, or an old familiar scent in the air. Perhaps it’s a compliment from a co-worker or the grazing of hands in the work place.
I know this is a little deep, but it’s worth saying (and hearing) and repeating. Marriages, at their rock solid strongest, are more fragile than anything else we have. And our spouses, even at their most selfish and annoying are still the ones we chose- just like even at our most disgusting and bitchy- we’re theirs…
Now, to lighten to mood here is a sampling of the most cliche’, nauseating and infinitely beautiful song ever recorded… (although, not any less cliche’ my personal favorite would be Annie’s song by John Denver)