journey, letter, parenting

Oh babies…

I have thought of you, dreamed of you and imagined you more than I’ve given collective thought to any other person. I’ve imagined your tiny fingers and your sweet toes. 
I have dreamed of what your sweet skin would have smelled like. 
I have ached to know more than the imagination of what your wiggly, warm little body would have felt like in my arms. 
Less and less I am kept awake, in the darkness of the night, by thoughts of you. 
More and more the aching subsides, to know you. 
I wish that I could have met you… That things would have been different for you… 
For us. 
Never more than a tear away, my soul reaches for you often. 
And someday, on the other side of this life time, I will finally know what your eyes look like and how the curl of your lashes lay, or the perfection of your smiles. The decade-long burning question of what your favorite color would have been, will be no more. Surely there are favorite colors in heaven…
You were mine, safely nestled inside of me, but for a moment. Now I imagine you all golden curled ringlets, rosy cheeks and little boy tough. I imagine you happy and spirit whole, playing with other precious children who never knew the cold hardness of life. I hope you remember to gift hugs to your grandma Julie, great grandma and grandpa Dugan as they surely aren’t too far away from you. 
Wait for us. 
Your daddy and I are coming, it just isn’t quite time yet. 
I wish I could have touched you, heard you, held you. 
I ache to meet you… 
I breathe easier knowing that someday I will. 
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5 thoughts on “Oh babies…”

  1. I too had a couple if miscarriages – they called them spontaneous abortions (dreadful word) all those years ago. And even though I went on to have two more children I still wonder what my other two would have been like.

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