confession, journey

Confession: I am driving myself crazy…

I have been avoiding this post, like the plague… 
Anyone who truly knows me has likely heard my deep, irrational fear about this coming birthday. 
It’s stupid. It’s ridiculous. It is lame and pathetic. Ten years ago, it sent me into a nose dive of panic. Here we are, on the very near eve of it and I feel a little bit numb. 
You see, when I was but a wee teen I had a dream where three things occurred… 
1) I learned that I wouldn’t be able to have a baby and I would end up parenting older, broken children. 
2) I would marry young but we’d divorce. 
3) I would die when I was 35. 
It had been a nap, and I had woken in a panic. At the time I was living in a group home and my foster mom assured me that #1 was simply a result of that current situation. (group home, etc.) 
But it sparked something in me. I had recently ended the relationship which could have culminated to my first true love, and I panicked. I was almost seventeen… What if it was all true? I pushed myself harder, to graduate early and I (embarrassed to admit) went about searching for someone to marry me and father a child. My life’s mission was about proving my silly sixteen year old day mare wrong… 
I met Chw, and we married. Six miscarriages came before our divorce, which was followed a year later by my hysterectomy, at 24. 
Creepy, right? 
Granted, we remarried… And truly, I wouldn’t trade my three kids for a million babies… 
but… 
Well… 
In 20 days I turn 35, and I am sick over it. 
For my birthday, I just want it to not be anything other than an irrational fear. Nothing other than some silly thing I’ve worried about- like nightmares where we show up on test day in our underwear… 
I want it to be untrue… 
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15 thoughts on “Confession: I am driving myself crazy…”

  1. Oh gosh Misty, you've been through a lot. Obviously, you are already a survivor and you will survive this too. If I lived close by I would make you some seriously awesome cake and bring it by (and then eat it with you). Hang in there. I'm 35 too. While not fun to be older (hello age spots), it's been a quiet year so far.

  2. Misty, I will be praying for you over the coming weeks. I, too, have dealt with overwhelming, paralyzing fear of a specific scenario — such that I would literally catch my breath and my heart would start racing in panic when it came to mind. I will be praying for God's peace to break through the mental turmoil and flood over you and into you.

  3. Every good and perfect gift is from God. God is love. Love drives out fear. Dark and light cannot coexist. I am so praying light into your life and into your days and nights, friend, that you might be released from this anxiety which is not from anywhere good.

  4. i feel that there might be a few people who misunderstood my post. There were a couple of comments, (one which was deleted) that reflected that and then I received a less than kind email. Hopefully when reading one's blog, we can remember to read THEIR words, without projecting our own thoughts, into it… And then if we feel led to comment- comment in a way which is relevant TO their post.

  5. misty, my dear one…i am so sorry you had that day-mare, how awful this must have been. i will keep you in my thoughts as you near your birthday. i hope you are reassured that you will not only have a wonderful 35th birthday but in the years ahead you will be celebrating so, so many more!!!!

  6. I once had a dream my dad died. It was paralyzing. I knew it was a dream but seemed so steeped in reality it frightened me. To this day I still feel it. No amount of "logic" will take away that feeling.Now 31 was the year I freaked out. No cause or reason just totally freaked! But I got through it with lots of Love and Prayers…… So I'll send some your way.

  7. I've had nightmares my whole life; me or loved ones being murdered, kidnapped, horrific wrecks, etc. In my late teens they began to come true – never reaching the dream's conclusion, but everything leading up to it… the exact conversations, everything. I was in a pretty constant state of fear. So I know something of what you're going through.What I came away with was, first, why am I terrified that these people, who I knew to know God, would die? Why am I terrified of my own death? Doesn't that mean we'll only enter God's presence earlier? The second thing I came away with was, none of us are guaranteed tomorrow, but it's hard to fully grasp that concept. Life seems so… permanent. But what's the harm in living like the mares were true, if that means that I will live with the mindset that tomorrow, or even just later today, probably won't come? It's an opportunity to rid myself of the things that get in the way of my really living the way I am supposed to.I have no idea if any of that helped even the tiniest bit, but I hope that you are able to find the peace, hope, and perhaps even excitement that there is to be had in such a unique situation.

  8. Brenna, you are absolutely right… It isn't about that though… i don't know. I can't explain it… But i completely get that you "get it"…

  9. Oh dear. Well. But you didn't dream about the beautiful girl you are now raising. You didn't dream about getting re-married! SO……maybe…..you'll just have a near-death experience, but then be brought back & blessed more than you can imagine. Did that help? ;) Prob not. OK. Sorry. But you know what? I have had this fear I'll die at 35 too!!!! I had an aunt who died at 35 from a heart attack, leaving her 4 little ones behind. That's my worst nightmare. And me with my high blood presure issues……BUT…..I'm almost 36. THEN I'll be able to breath a sigh of relief. ;) Love you!!! God's got GOOD stuff in store for you!!!

  10. Just to clarify, I wasn't trying to beat you over the head with how you *should* be responding, or sounding completely indifferent, or superior, or anything. Reading back over my comment, ugh… I totally meant it differently. I know it's just about impossible to see past the bizarre horror of it to anything else, even if your head knows the facts that would help bring peace to the situation. For me, anyway. Should it start happening again, I doubt I'll handle it any better than I did before – maybe even worse in some instances.

  11. oh misty. my heart goes out to you. i had a dream once that came true – it was so real that after i woke up i wrote it down. very creepy. also wan to agree with a few others – 1 john 4:18 has been one of my bookmarks for a while: "perfect love casts out fear" i pray Lord that you cast out all fear from my friend misty.

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