confession, journey

the habits that I can’t break…

When i was little, (and I mean way, way little) I remember countless nights of getting ready for bed, with my grandpa. He’s swish his Listerine and challenge me to do the same. Mouth full, eyes watering I would try to tough it out, for something close to an eternity- (or probably about fourteen seconds, in reality.) After he died, sometimes I would sneak into my grandparent’s bathroom closet and take a swig of that yellow grossness- holding it until my gums ached that good ache and my gag sensor could stand it no longer… 
Now, in my thirties, I use Listerine (the blue stuff though, no yellow for us) every night. 
It’s so important and, if I somehow forget, I won’t be able to sleep until it’s done… 
I fall asleep praying. I learned this from my grandma. 
I have done it for as long as I can remember. 
I am incapable of staying quiet, when a song I love plays across the car stereo. Couple that weakness along with a road trip and it’s car karaoke all the way. I get this from my mother. Growing up, a lot of the car portion of trips were just her and I and those are the moments I remember her the fondness… 
But there are other things too. The sharp and cutting tongue when I am tired, or irritable. My lack of patience. My sometimes judgmental first responses… These come from her too, but I can not blame her for my use of them. Habit or not, influence or not- they’re up to me. 
Worry? Where do I get that? This sick inability to trust or believe that I am worthy of anything amazing happening? 
I am tired of feeling that way. 
I want trust to be my first instinct. 
I want peace of mind and optimism to weigh in there too… 
I don’t want to be a doubting cindy, heavy on the side of negative nancy. 
I want to be me. 
But better. Wiser. Calmer. Less worried… 
I guess the bright side is- I should always wake up with great breath.  
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