Tonight, at this meeting, my wonderful friend stood up to speak to a room full of women about priorities. Priorities, as a woman, to God. Priorities to her husband, to her children. And really, to herself because without the other stuff lining up as it should- aren’t we each ultimately paying the most?
The meeting was great. I was able to pick the brains of homeschooling moms who are far more capable of educating their children than I am. I was able to challenge my own way of doing things, and even map the progress that Gen and I have made recently.
I was able to come home and have an argument with my husband. Partly because of him, and partly due to me.
Here’s the truth of it: Life Sucks…
It does. There isn’t anyway to sugar coat that reality. Right now I just feel like my life is sailing quickly, downstream, straight for the crapper. It’s all that I can do, most days, to catch my breath and focus on that very moment. Honestly, I am scared to death. And I’m sad. And, let’s be honest, a little pissed off. The thing I hate most about life today is that I’m used to, in the down times, being able to optimistically perceive a better time ahead. Right now I just don’t see that.
I’m not wallowing in self pity, (though I am filling my nights with Six Feet Under marathons). And it’s ironic because Genny and i are probably in THE BEST homeschooling groove we’ve ever had. I rearranged my office to be all feng shui, which is totally amazing… This term at the co-op is fantastic, and this class Chw and I are taking is a true Godsend. It’s not all bad, at all. I guess it’s just that the overwhelming parts which ARE bad, are goulish.
And I’m not blogging.
I don’t know what to say. I want to be whitty and funny, clever and yet raw. I want people to read my blog and like it, and feel touched some how- in some way. I want to devote hours to writing, where quality work is produced. I want each day to be filled with steps forward.
I hate feeling stagnant.
But I don’t know how. I don’t know how to be more, today, than what I am. And what I am feels like nothing. I want a hug and a shoulder to cry on, but then again I won’t cry so does it matter? I want a retreat with my best friend, and a vacation away from it all- even if it’s just for a day or two. I want a facial and an overpriced Starbucks latte. I want the tips of my toes to sink into a high tide kissed plot of sand. I want peaceful reassurance and better days.
Apparently everything I want is pretty much out of reach right now. Except this: I want to blog. I want to write and I want to read. To love and to be loved…
I just don’t remember how…