Oh hello blog…

Tonight, at this meeting, my wonderful friend stood up to speak to a room full of women about priorities. Priorities, as a woman, to God. Priorities to her husband, to her children. And really, to herself because without the other stuff lining up as it should- aren’t we each ultimately paying the most?

The meeting was great. I was able to pick the brains of homeschooling moms who are far more capable of educating their children than I am. I was able to challenge my own way of doing things, and even map the progress that Gen and I have made recently.

I was able to come home and have an argument with my husband. Partly because of him, and partly due to me.

Here’s the truth of it: Life Sucks…

It does. There isn’t anyway to sugar coat that reality. Right now I just feel like my life is sailing quickly, downstream, straight for the crapper. It’s all that I can do, most days, to catch my breath and focus on that very moment. Honestly, I am scared to death. And I’m sad. And, let’s be honest, a little pissed off. The thing I hate most about life today is that I’m used to, in the down times, being able to optimistically perceive a better time ahead. Right now I just don’t see that.

I’m not wallowing in self pity, (though I am filling my nights with Six Feet Under marathons). And it’s ironic because Genny and i are probably in THE BEST homeschooling groove we’ve ever had. I rearranged my office to be all feng shui, which is totally amazing… This term at the co-op is fantastic, and this class Chw and I are taking is a true Godsend. It’s not all bad, at all. I guess it’s just that the overwhelming parts which ARE bad, are goulish.

And I’m not blogging.

I don’t know what to say. I want to be whitty and funny, clever and yet raw. I want people to read my blog and like it, and feel touched some how- in some way. I want to devote hours to writing, where quality work is produced. I want each day to be filled with steps forward.

I hate feeling stagnant.

But I don’t know how. I don’t know how to be more, today, than what I am. And what I am feels like nothing. I want a hug and a shoulder to cry on, but then again I won’t cry so does it matter? I want a retreat with my best friend, and a vacation away from it all- even if it’s just for a day or two. I want a facial and an overpriced Starbucks latte. I want the tips of my toes to sink into a high tide kissed plot of sand. I want peaceful reassurance and better days.

Apparently everything I want is pretty much out of reach right now. Except this: I want to blog. I want to write and I want to read. To love and to be loved…

I just don’t remember how…

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10 thoughts on “Oh hello blog…

  1. Bless your heart girl! My heart just aches that you are struggling so. I think the main thing to remember right now is God’s plan for you as a wife, mother and believer. Be strong girl… you’ve made it this far. xoxo, SJ

  2. You shouldn’t feel like you have to be witty or clever all the time. This is your blog and you should write what you feel. I do hope the dark clouds pass for you. Hang in there!

  3. Are you in the depths of despair? I think a trip to the ocean is just what you need! Must work on that! :)I love ya friend! Keep your chin up, this too shall pass.

  4. So sorry you are feeling this way. I’ve been there too and am slightly that way today, although not as down as you are. hang in there.P.S. – we have done the Six Feet Under Marathons too. What season are you in?

  5. I wish I could just hug you! You are loved, even with the blogging gap! But, I also know exactly how you feel about it. I wish we lived closer so we could meet and laugh, and refill that portion that is needed to let the fingers fly and write freely again.It will return, it will. And when it does, I will be ready for you.In the mean time I still enjoy everything you write on your blog, you are very hard on yourself!If your trip to California becomes a possibility again let me know.

  6. Misty, I have not even “known” you for very long, and yet you have touched my life in such and important way. You are an amazing person, that I am sure of. You gave me the strength and inspiration to start homeschooling My son, and it has been one of the best things I have ever done, for my own personal self-worth, and my relationship with my son. I hang on every word you post, and I find them all very inspirational, and sweet. I wish I could be there to give you a shoulder to cry on, or just a girls retreat where we rent chick flicks, eat terrible food, and stay up all night talking about just how much life does suck, and also how much life rocks!Keep smiling, You are loved!

  7. you are raw. You are real. That’s why I read your blogs. You write my feelings and thoughts.I feel a change coming–but I am not there yet!I keep telling myself –the process is the purpose and plug on.I know I will get there–that I am confident but I am not there today– and that will have to be ok

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