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It’s Friday, I’m in love…

Every day it is more and more beautiful outside. I love the mystery of the world coming alive in bloom of reds, oranges and yellows while the reality is that the leaves are dying… Something so sad, by nature, is when a large portion of our populous comes alive with creativity and inspiration. It has been a hard, dark week and the splendor of fall feels tainted somehow, but such darkness. This is when it is more important to focus on the beautiful specks- the wildflowers growing through the wreckage.

It is easy right now to list out countless bullet points about what is wrong, around us, but I say let’s take a few minutes to focus on what is right: warm mugs filled with deliciousness, good books, cozy evenings, soft socks, heavy throws… Full on perfection!

1.) The Book That Takes It’s Time… This book is near the top of my list of favorite things, EVER. I love it so much that if there were to be a fire, I might grab it before any other possession…

2.) Chipotle has queso. I realize this may seem like an odd thing to list here, but let me just say it again: Chipotle has queso. So, my favorite tacos (chicken, with grilled fajita veggies, black beans and green salsa) are no a TRILLION times better because Chipotle has queso.

3.) My nighttime routine. I have begun mixing in a couple of drops of Grapefruit essential oil, into my night face cream. Not only does it reparatively affect my skin, but the smell of it is so mood boosting and encouraging that it really has affected my quality of sleep. I’m HOOKED!

4.) Spotify Time Capsule. Do you use Spotify? I love it so much! It is the one subscription I couldn’t go without, and this Time Capsule was the soundtrack to my CRAZY busy weekend. So fun!

5.) Ryan Gosling + SNL. Specifically these two skits: This & This. There are so many quotable things about these two skits. Overall I stopped regularly watching SNL quite some time ago, but I am glad I tuned in this past weekend.

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beautiful, confession, entertainment, gifts, gratitude, home, journey, Uncategorized

It’s friday, I’m in love…

I have seven sleeps until I get to share my bed with my gypsy husband once again! I cannot wait! In the meantime, here are a few of the highlights/obsessions of my week… (quick disclaimer: This week is a little heavy on the TV… I totally want to blame the cool autumn evenings, but we’ve got sweltering evenings, so I can’t.)

1.) This is Us! It’s back, you guys! It is like an old friend (or family of friends) finally returned from vacation and we laughed, and cried and they gave me the little trinket they bought in that little shop because they were thinking of me… (note: I need friends.)

2.) The recording of the Broadway show Dear Evan Hansen… Seriously, I am obsessed! I adore Ben Platt and I want to see this show so badly! If you love shows, seriously, give it a listen.

3.) The Murder of Laci Peterson. Oh my gosh. I don’t even know; I can’t even… A dear friend encouraged me to watch it and hesitantly I obeyed. I am not a lover of true crime anything. At one point my BFF admitted I was crazy to be watching such things while I was home alone. I assured her it is “so interesting and not at all scary!”, which was true, until episode 6. Let’s just say 1 a.m. dog walking felt a little reckless, and not in a fun way. (1 a.m, of course, because I couldn’t stop watch the show. Ugh.)

4.) I adore this story so much! (i also adore the author, but that’s a different point all together!) I loved how universal this lesson is, because at 41 years old, I still find myself relearning this lesson…

5.) Go Macro vegan bars. Have you guys tried these? I was super hesitant because, typically, if my protein bar isn’t going to taste like a snickers bar, I’m likely not going to eat it. (I am mostly joking here, but I am pretty picky.) These taste super healthy, (at least the ones I’ve had) BUT not at all in a bad way. I actually really loved them! Now if I could find them for less than $2.69 a piece…

beautiful, confession, creative, entertainment, family, gratitude, home, journey, Lately, list, parenting, Uncategorized

It’s friday, I’m in love…

Oh it’s that time again- Hello, weekend! These summer weekends are fleeting and I find this bittersweet.

This week was a BUSY one! Some moments I barely had time to compose myself and other ones were a little more intentional. It has been a weekend filled to the brim with stress and disappointment. You guys, parenthood is HARD. Adulting is HARD. Taking responsibility for screw ups is HARD. My week has been Die Hard with a Vengeance, minus the Bruce Willis/entertainment value/special effects/big budget stuff, and just loads of craptastic.

It is nice to take a few minutes to seek out the best bits of sharable…  I LOVED the links and little notes you guys sent last week! The best part of that was finding some new music. My readers have THE BEST taste! :)

Here’s my top five for the week…

1.) August is apparently the month for Random Acts of Kindness. If you know me at all, you know I am a sucker for RAKs! I absolutely LOVE this project and have been enjoying leaving intentionally written letters about my corner of the world.

2.) If you love Zombie movies, i HIGHLY recommend Train To Busan. (yes, it’s Korean, of course it is…) It was amazing, and by far the best Zombie movie we have ever seen! (also, it’s on Netflix, so that’s super cool too.)

3.) Quite awhile ago a friend of mine recommended the podcast Blue Babies Pink. Essentially it is Brett Trapp’s coming out story, told from his perspective as a now adult preacher’s kid, having grown up as a Jesus loving, well-adjusted youth. It is very interesting, very thought-provoking and at 44 (although super short) episodes, I am two-thirds of the way through and am really glad I make the choice to listen!

4.) I must clarify that i DO NOT own these earrings, but I also am publicly stating it right now: I really, really want them.

5.) Lastly, for this week… Coke Zero Sugar. I know, I know… I was just as sad as everyone else about the loss of Coke Zero. To be honest, my biggest worry was What will I drink at the movies now? And again, being honest, I am not certain they will even offer CZS at the theater, but I do like it. We still have plain old regular coke zero and did do a taste comparison. The two taste nothing alike. Chw likes the new better, while I still prefer the original. (likely because I HATE CHANGE!) that being said, I do really like the new. It tastes good by itself. It tastes good with a splash of lime. It tastes super good with a bit of crown. All in all, it’s a win. :)

Happy weekend!

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It is what it is, and I am where I am…

Home:

  • pack, pack, pack.
  • unpack it all, somewhere new, with less temporary attached to it.
  • clean, clean, clean.
  • paint and make a home.
  • keeping iced tea, infused water and cold brew coffee on hand to make it through the move.
  • eat sensibly, and think ahead, not resorting to convenience food.

Life:

  • maintain a routine of self-care despite the craziness of busy, change and relocation.
  • sit by the pool, soak up fresh air and read.
  • continue minimizing and striving to surround myself with only things which are loved or useful.
  • Intentional connection with valued relationships, both new and old friends; close and distant.
  • Capture moments that matter.
  • Continue to seek things to write about, and then write them.
  • Take a moment to mail out a few hand written notes and cards.
  • Remember to defuse oils, something I forget when I am busy, and later regret.

Marriage:

  • attempt to connect through the chaos.
  • be mindful that we are a team, a partnership, and are in this together.
  • Utilize the stolen and alone times intentionally, peacefully and honestly.
  • remember to appreciate my husband and build him up, he is an amazing man.

Family:

  • celebrate my mama’s 70th birthday.
  • celebrate my daughter’s 27th birthday.
  • honor my husband and the amazing father he is. Fatherhood hasn’t worked out the way he dreamed, on the onset and though he doesn’t hold my infertility against me, I will always struggle with that.
  • Celebrate Gen’s graduation and her at her open house.
  • Family meals, games, laughter, conversation and all of the good things that make us a family.

Spirit:

  • Continue my path with Theophosic Prayer.
  • the continued journey of minimizing. It is freeing for the spirit.
  • Meditation and yoga.
  • Water. Peace, in the water, and just being…
  • Remember to be grateful for everything. For the boxes and hands with which to pack, for the daughter who is healthy and alive, even when she is only giving me hatred, for the legs and arms (and brain) that works, even when Fibromyalgia tries to thwart me.

 

 

confession, family, gratitude, parenting, Uncategorized

Taking care…

A few months back I sat within a circle of women, sharing my journey as a daughter. Some of you are aware that my mother is mentally ill and our years together have been rocky, at best. It has been a journey of various forms of abuse and abandonment, along with many unhealthy scales of unbalanced responsibilities, overcompensation and every other unhealthy thing one can fit in the mix. Currently, my mother lives in a home suffering with dementia. While many of her behaviors are classic to such an illness, so many of them were present, due to her damage and mental health, long before such a label. Sitting among those women and sharing was a painful leg to my journey because it had been eleven months since I had seen my mother because she had deemed me as dead to her. This had involved an ugly court experience and many, many hateful things.

Being my mother’s daughter has always left me heartbroken, in every instance. This is something I have never surrendered to, as a victim, though I can honestly say I have also never come close to perfecting my role as daughter either. I am flawed, but have at least always tried to be there for her to fall into.

Around the time, of this day mentioned above, my mother had sent word that she wanted to see me and heal our relationship. This idea was an overwhelming one, for me. My husband was adamant that he did not support this reunion and that if I chose to follow it through, he wanted no part of it. He had been there and seen the damage she had caused. No one but myself had been there to see the dark spans of time where I sat in the bathtub, razor in hand, willing me to end it all because I could no longer take that woman confirming in me the black wickedness of of the unworthy human being I was.

I expressed my heart, again, post the meeting, to my husband. He relented to go with me, uncomfortably, because he loved me. He admitted he felt hatred to her and was worried about me.

I went.

Three months later I continue to go. It is nurturing and about her, not me, as our relationship has always been. For the first time, however, that is appropriate. I love my mother and I still fall asleep, most nights, praying for her to find some peace and happiness. Since I have done this for as long as I have memories back, I am not sure if I do this because of habit or something else.

Today is National Caretake Day, and I am so utterly grateful for these people who care for my mother. Of course it is a flawed home and things happen that frustrate her, and me, but at the end of the day these are people who deal with what I could not, every single day. I can’t reward them as much as I would like to, but I can at least acknowledge their efforts and my gratitude. While I am there, today, I can hug my mom extra tight. Not because she has done just the right thing, or always been there, but because she is my mother and I am not responsible for what she has or has not ever done- I am responsible for me.