books, confession, journey, Lately, rant

When do we say enough?

Coming off the weekend, I found notes scattered with an array of things I wanted to write about here. Somehow though, the weekend killed those desires, or at least numbed them. Monday’s are my big home day. The day where I catch up on laundry and household chores, the day I get some reading done, take care of phone calls I need to make and knock out a good chunk of work. Usually, I’m sad to admit, this is work related stuff I am a little behind on. This, of course, leads to loads of guilt when I don’t actually catch up on anything.

Except laundry.

Laundry is always done.

I am currently listening to an audio book that I’m not loving. Reviews of this book are GLOWING, which leads me to wonder what my problem is. Readers rave at its humor and easy reading, but I find my ears choking it down (if ears could do such a thing) and have not laughed yet.

I am not usually an audio book fan, but have found they help on the laundry/chore Mondays, as well as the longer moments in traffic. Somehow I lie to myself and tell myself I am maximizing my time that way. And sometimes the books are so great, but this time it isn’t. Perhaps it is the narration? At any rate… I read, on Saturday, the tale of this particular books author. The article mentioned that she’d simply entered a competition and won. Her manuscript was passed on to Penguin and a book deal was given. The article’s author seemed to be awed by not only the book’s author’s luck, but the fact that she is over 40. What? Is it more likely for such magical things to happen if one is under 40? What difference does 40 make anyway? Does being 41 mean that my life’s goals and dreams as I know them are screwed and I may as well select a coffin and begin planning my memorial service?

I mean, really… Just when our society seems to make great strides of progress in some areas, women decide to march around with vagina hats on their head and we have nazi gatherings. (While one is obviously NOT as garishly grim as the other, I’ll still admit it is embarrassing.) Male, Female, Gay, Straight, Trans, White, Black, Jewish, Muslim, Christian, Athiest… Over 40, under 40- why can’t we, as a people, just get over our radical fears and judgements and just love each other? These things are getting worse because we are so adamant about taking sides. My side is community. Humanity. Can’t that just be enough? This division is being driven by bigger, governing forces and we just play along and people die. PEOPLE DIE…

We need to stop.

And also, let’s give props to an author for writing something that resonates with people, (even if I’m not one of them, I still applaud her!) and admit her age doesn’t have a damn thing to do with it…

chronic illness, confession, fibro, journey, Lately, rant

Fell on deaf ears…

As far as weekends go, this past one was among the worst. Its has been the sort of morning when I wake up after about 90 minutes of collected sleep, and ache for warm sand beneath my feet, solace and sunshine as waves crash and fill my senses with the healing reset that only the beach can do for me. That salty air is a balm which nothing else compares, and so naturally I haven’t had the pleasure of such pleasure in years. The benefit of living back home was that, at least once a year, I could make that happen. When the topic of moving back to this place arose, I honestly laid it all out there. I would need intention, on his part, to connect and prioritize us. I would need quality time together. I would need to still make it to the beach.

Do you ever feel like the things you allow yourself to vulnerably express fall on deaf ears? It isn’t that you aren’t heard as much as the listener simply doesn’t care enough to remember/do something about it/validate you/etc? This has become the story of my life and that change began the moment I agreed to move. It was subtle, for a long time, changing us each in negative ways. There was a time when I was a partner, a best friend, a nurturing mother, of actual value… It was life, so naturally it wasn’t always easy. This though, this has become something worse. At some point, something changed and I became the easy one to punish, the easy one to blame. Is it any wonder when the general theme around my home was that I was the problem- why it made sense for me to leave? I am reminded again and again and again of how I walked out on my husband and family. This perspective isn’t real. It is like the protocol changed, and suddenly it wasn’t expected that we be honest with ourselves. I left because my husband wanted me to. He was the ONLY person who ever said it was the “best thing”. He was the only one who ever seemed happy with the decision. He blames me for physically walking out the door, even though it was only after he made it clear I was not welcome to stay. Yet, lets blame Misty. That’s easy. Blame is tossed around like a ball on the NBA court. I get to be the scapegoat because that helps everyone else feel better about themselves. It’s ok to hurt me to soothe yourself, I guess. I mean it happens whether I like it or not. The three days I was looking forward to, in this season, were Mother’s Day, my mom’s birthday and Genny’s graduation. Well, the first two were complete nightmares that only pointed out the lack of consideration I am worth in the eyes of others…

I am so tired. And that’s the thing about chronic illness. Stress makes it worse. Lack of support (note: I have none here, really) makes it significantly worse. And then I am made to feel like garbage because I am truly doing my best and it isn’t enough. I am doing my best with the puppy, I am doing my best at home. I am doing my best to intentionally prioritize my health. I am doing my best with this frustrating season as a parent. I am doing my best, and am told so often how I should walk more, exercise more, need to take better care to train the puppy, need to ___________. No one stops to look at the fact that I cry myself to sleep and then wake up every 15-20 min anyway until I simply can’t lay there in pain anymore. No one notices how long it takes me to get up the stairs or how I about collapse afterwards because I am in pain. No one sees me rubbing my hands near constantly, holding back tears or throwing up food because I am too nauseous. No one is looking at me, just the expectations they have of me and how I am failing them. I can flat out say I CAN’T DO THIS. I AM HURTING. I CAN’T FUNCTION RIGHT NOW! and yet no one really hears this. The irony is that when I point this out, that isn’t heard either. I can lay out instance after instance after instance and it doesn’t matter because I am not worthy of hearing. Period.

I am so tired, and I simply fall on deaf ears. I need help. I need patience. I need support. I need to not be treated like a burden. I need to not be lied to. I need to be loved. Actively loved. Words mean nothing. Sure I hear “I’ll help you, I have no problem helping you.” But that isn’t true. I am broken down and being pelted by the actions which scream otherwise.

Super grim post. I know. It’s where I am today.

Who am I kidding. It’s where I am every day. Today I’m just a little more honest.

adoption, confession, gratitude, infertility, journey, parenting, rant

What it means to be a woman…

Right now, being a woman is a very trendy thing. There are all of these social media driven explosions about how we should be proud to be a girl, etc. It has happened here or there, over the years but Hillary’s campaign really began the process of bringing it to a head. Because he was running against a girl (and I’m not sure any man would have made it through the election without being painted as a horrible person because of the “Feminist” climate of our nation, honestly) there is no way Trump could have escaped without being labelled a sexist monster who hates women… Then again, it is really Trump himself who made our president-elect such an easy target. I am not going to venture into political waters because everyone else is doing it, and that’s just not my thing. I am here to talk about how this is a really great time to be a woman. You know, #proudtobeagirl and all of that stuff. And don’t get me wrong, I am.

But why now? Why is it so incredibly, mind blowingly awesome to be a girl now? Why isn’t this sort of enthusiasm consistently offered to young girls when they get their first period? Why isn’t it intensified to such a huge degree when a woman pushes a child from her body? Why isn’t being a woman, and all of the awesomeness it entails, being celebrated when the nurturing love of a mother breaks, and breaks, and breaks the heart it beats in because motherhood is painfully hard sometimes?

Feminism is about women having a voice, having rights, being worthy. The heart of feminism is something every single one of us should stand for. TRUE Feminism is not what we are seeing these days. Is it Feminist to have a say about what goes on with our bodies? Ok. I agree, no one should be able to tell a woman what she can or cannot do with her body. My biggest fear, as far as abortion laws are concerned, is that the government would have complete say in regards to whether a woman could keep her pregnancy. If we have strict abortion regulations, this will give them that power and that terrifies me. BUT why has abortion become this symbol of feminism? Why does abortion represent a subculture that is supposed to be about fairness and beauty? There is nothing fair or beautiful about it. Regardless of your perspective or stance, abortion is an ugly act. Metaphorically, let’s look at Breast Cancer. In a society where great tits are invaluable, imagine the woman who learns she has to have a mastectomy and will be left with a caved in chest in place of her greatest physical asset. After her scars have healed, she may feel a sense of beauty in her scar, but the very process to get from one point to the latter will be a hellish journey, paved with varied indescribable emotions. If a woman is diagnosed with breast cancer, should she have the right to make the decision on how to treat it? yes. It is her body. It is her body, period, and up to her to live with the consequences of her decisions…But women should not march the streets deciding that mastectomy scars, or the right to have a mastectomy if we choose, defines us as true women. Just like an abortion. I believe that a baby is a baby from the time it is conceived. I also have a family created by the system in place to remove children from heinously abusive situations. How is abortion any worse than the situations of the 428,000 foster children in the United States. If women who were not going to want or love their babies were forced to have them, what would that number be? And it isn’t just a number, these are children. Broken, beaten, molested, bandaged, damaged, tortured and fractured (sometimes beyond repair) human beings…

Abortion is not something to be celebrated. It also isn’t some deep dark secret that women should keep buried in shame. We each have a story. Those stories are defined by choices we’ve made and choices others made for us. Let’s celebrate our individual journeys as women, and build each other up regardless of differences. Abortion should not be the focus here…

Womanhood should be, In all of its glory.

Hail the women who raise up other women to not only believe in themselves, but to empower other women. Hail to the women who do NOT belittle men as less than worthy. Two wrongs do not make a right. It was never ok for men to treat women this way and it is never going to be ok for us to do this to men. True feminism means we are equal to stand beside them. NOT the same. NOT better, but deserving of equal pay, equal rights and equal opportunity.

I love being a woman. I’d much rather have a vagina over a penis. I love scented lotions, good books, my feminine handwriting, hair products, the very special sanctity that is female friendship and great lip gloss. I love that I have nurturing relationships with my daughter, that I cry in movies and that my shoe selection is much cuter than my husband’s. I don’t want to be a man. I want to be a woman and celebrate true womanhood. True womanhood has absolutely nothing to do with abortion. True feminism, the very essence of feminism, has nothing to do (NOTHING TO DO) with abortion.

Until we can focus on the real priorities and stop getting caught up in the details that distract us along the way, we can expect for things in this country to continue to fall apart. It doesn’t matter who our president is, if we can’t get it together and stand as a diverse community who truly loves and accepts EVERYONE, we are lost. (and by everyone, I do not mean simply the homosexual and transgendered communities, but the Christian Pro-lifers too.)

confession, holiday, home, journey, rant

December uglies…

This has been a rough week, I am not going to lie. Monday was brutal in that I just couldn’t seem to be enough. Have you ever felt that? I have been doing a seasonal part-time job that I really enjoy, but Monday was off. The holiday crazy of customers did not really help or hinder the day, it just felt rough. Towards the end of the day I completed, what I believed to be, a task and it turned out I’d done it incorrectly. This sat with me in a not-so-great way. I had to rush home, grab Gen and take her right back to the same area of town for her work shift, and I simply could not shake that awful feeling that weighs you down when you have screwed up. I offered to come in, off the clock, and do the task right but my manager said it wasn’t that big of a deal. Still, it bothered me.

Psychologically, I don’t think it was that big of a deal. My manager is genuinely kind and did not seem to be upset. Whether it is a seasonal job or not, I try to give 100% at whatever I do and take pride in it. I felt like I failed. Talking to a friend, later that evening, I had to admit that this heavy feeling was being filtered through the perspective of a lot of December uglies right now. I get it… And so when Tuesday found me stiff and achy, with a migraine, I simply had grace for myself and acknowledged that the December uglies were probably affecting me and my fibromyalgia was flaring up. Wednesday became a tough day in this parental journey, coupled with still feeling stiff and achy, with a headache. There is NO COUNT to how many times I told my family yesterday, I really need to feel better because I work tomorrow.

Well, tomorrow is now today, and I am bundled in yoga pants and my Boise State sweatshirt, in front of my fireplace instead of being at work. After a fitful night of sleep, I woke around 6 with a 10-ton weight on my chest, complete sinus pressure and temple/mastoid throbbing to boot. My achyness had become an almost inability to move. My husband commented on how i didn’t seem well and maybe I shouldn’t go to work. I told him that I WAS going, and he offered up coffee as an aid. Coffee and a shower (I had really banked on the shower being my saving grace) did nothing but wear me out the final bit and make me want to die. (yes, I am sure we all know that feeling.) Turned out my temp was 101.2. No wonder the hot shower depleted me…

It’s the worst timing, really. Christmas wise, work wise, travel wise. I’m going to see my mother in her nursing home tomorrow and can’t go if I’m contagious. I’m spending the weekend with Amanda’s family and hate to spread sickness to them. My fibro makes car trips painful, but coupled with whatever achy nonsense I’ve got happening, it seems a cruel twist of holiday fate. Beyond all of that though, (because why stress about the things that haven’t happened yet? I’ll either be deathly ill or I won’t) It is how I was treated upon trying to openly communicate with my employer that seems the worst. That’s the part I can’t get over. I value, above all things, genuine kindness and love for others. I have always gone out of my way to make the lives (or days, or moments) for others, just a little bit brighter. I was treated like a piece of crap, pretty much told that I was selfish and manipulative and talked down to in a way which caught me off guard. I understand the holidays are stressful, management is exhausting, underpaid, overwhelming and that frustrations are high. I also understand that people are people. When one person treats another in such a way, it is dehumanizing and arrogant.

It is 6 hours later and I am still so bothered by it. Isn’t it enough that we simply do the best we can? Thankfully my temp is down, and maybe it is just that I’m sick and it made me feel more sensitive. I don’t know. I do not know this woman outside of work and while her personal opinion of me is of no value to me, professionally it bothers me far more than I would have expected. I find myself feeling crippled regarding ever stepping foot in there again, which I have to do. Tomorrow. Nearly a year of experiences within a company, that I love and felt such happiness from, is now an issue of disgusting conflict and that makes me angry. I am angry at this woman because, who does she think she is? Perhaps it is not fear of conflict that scares me… The past year has been complete and utter hell for me. I have somehow maintained dignity, grace and attempted to stay present and grow forward. I am afraid, within this hurt, appalled and angry place, that I would not be able to hold my tongue and would take out so much on her… And that, would be exactly what she did to me, which didn’t solve anything. Kindness and love… So I will steer clear of her, and that place, other than the 2 visits I have to make. Deep breaths and realizing it was just a seasonal job that would have been over today anyway, and that I don’t have any respect for her (after this morning) and don’t care what she thinks of me.

If I do ever cross paths with her I will simply smile and move on because people are people and it is on each of our consciences the type of people we choose to be…

confession, family, journey, rant

Goodbye, for now…

photo-1452827073306-6e6e661baf57I’m parting ways with Facebook tomorrow, at least in the personal sense… I’m still found there professionally, and honestly there is a Facebook Group that I am not wanting to lose contact with and I cannot quite figure out how to do that and quit the social media site altogether. For now, step one, I’ve deleted it from my phone.

It’s funny when you tell a cluster of friends that you were crying, or you are tired, the majority of them will quip about their own sadness or exhaustion; you tell a few people about your plans to abandon Facebook though, it’s interesting how many people feel you’ve shared some apocalyptic revelation. Facebook? Why? What did Facebook ever do to you? Are you ok? Are you dying? Are you dead? Are you ______?

So, allow me to clear things up… Nope, not dying, dead or the facing any other tragedies… I am a little tired of being inundated with so much opinion and so little personal interaction. I am a little weary of cute video after cute video but little to no relational substance. Even so, those reasons aren’t really enough (for me) to leave the platform all together. My husband has Facebook relationships I’m not in agreement with and he has (multiple times) insisted that my Facebook page is justification for the lies and rumors spread by others… STILL not necessarily reason enough. To put it simply, I’m tired. I’m tired of the two sides of people who appear in the wake of every controversial issue or tragedy, and how behind the confines of social media they find “courage” to attack one another, thus provoking more senselessness… And on a more personal level, I’m tired of a lack of intentional interaction between “friends”. What has happened to relationships? What has happened to intentional, sacrificial and sometimes uncomfortable effort and presence in each other’s lives?

I will not change anything by no longer showing up in people’s feeds… But for the life I live, and the relationships I have, I can change the world. That’s all I’m after… Today is all I’ve got, and I don’t want precious moments-turned-hours to be sucked up in a life less “social” experience chalk full of short videos and political rants.

I once felt like I had to have a personal Facebook to maintain relationships I didn’t really have outside of that platform any longer, but today I’m thinking that I’d rather pour my effort into the relationships I value most.