confession, friendship, gratitude, journey, letter

For H…

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I’m going to post a little bit about my roommate, and there’s a pretty good reason…

I share an apartment, as platonically as humanly possible, with my high school best friend Will. I’ve mentioned before that I lived in a group home, as a teen. Will was there with me, consistently, for what felt like a life time. Because of that, the duress of our situation and similar abandonment issues as children, we developed a fairly strong connection. We were never involvedย beyond ย this deep way.

Awhile back Will came to me, via the world wide web, with a confession about the negative direction his life had turned. I was in an ultra crappy place in my own life, and though desperately wanting to sustain my marriage, knew I had to help him. This guy was the epitome of my “roots”. I warned him as he came, broken, into my home that I wasn’t sure how long my marriage would be standing…

Will has an ex-girlfriend that I have a bit of a negative history with… And she’s apparently started reading my blog. She’s even used parts of it as ammunition towards him. I’m going to take a minute to talk to her…

H,

There was a time, several years back, when I genuinely wanted to be your friend. You couldn’t see past your jealousy to recognize that I was devoted to my husband and as much as I valued Will as my lifelong friend, I had fully expected to value you the same. I tried explaining that to you, then. I even attempted, again several months later, to look past the horrible way you had treated me because I truly valued the both of you. I BELIEVE in relationships. I value them. While he may have given you many reasons not to trust him, I could have given you a hundred references to affirm to you that I would never tear your relationship apart or hurt you.

Though it’s hard to imagine right now, Chw and I had a great marriage. Circumstances have a way of changing things. At that time we often helped couples save their marriages and turn from divorce. I was proud of that. Our marriage had survived a lot. I’d go so far as to say, if you could have gotten over your resentment and jealousy enough to connect with us- your relationship with Will might even be different today. Not just because of us, but because of you.

Again, I could have a hundred different people affirm this to you, but your ex did not destroy my marriage. He had no part in it, whatsoever. He stood by, in the sidelines, while my marriage silently fell apart. He was a great friend to me when I really needed someone, and he became a friend to my husband. My daughters, who are 16 & 25, adore him. None of those things would be the case if he had been the reason for such things.

We are NOT together, in that way, now either. I am not, was not, nor will I ever be a cheating whore. While I’m not sure what will happen with my marriage, I do know that even if we divorce, I will never be with someone else. Not even Will. I have no desire to be with anyone but my husband.

H, I understand so well how hard it is to spend your life (the best years of your life) with someone, only for them to walk away. I understand how unhealthy cycles, patterns and cheating can all affect your views on everything. I truly wish you’d had a little faith and taken a chance to be my friend, then, instead of just hating me. Even if the two of you still hadn’t worked out, this whole situation would look completely different now. We are made, by God, with a need for community. We NEED friendships… I can honestly say that I am a really great friend, and you really missed out because i would have been a KICK ASS friend to you. Will is a great guy who is working so hard at becoming a better one. Sure, I might get frustrated with him but I won’t ever tear him apart because of that. I’m sure you are an equally great person, but unfortunately you’ve never let me see that side of you.

Ironically, even after he was in Michigan, Will was trying to convince me to reach out to you. He knew you loved him and cared about his recovery and growth and he was convinced that you would be happy that I was helping him. He also believed you really needed a good friend who would really love you for you. Obviously, he was wrong, BUT I tell you this so you know and understand the kind of faith he had in you. I don’t care if you read my blog, or stalk my Instagram feed or talk crap about the cheating whore you believe I am. Do you know what you deserve? You DESERVE a life filled with peace, confidence and love. One where you feel value, and worth because you have both. These things will never come if you continue to be so focussed on negativity. It’s a hard pattern to break, but dear girl, YOU are worth it, for you. One day your kids will have major accomplishments, children of their own or something else that will cause you both to be there supporting and loving them. Maybe your journey TOGETHER isn’t meant to be right now, but you still owe it to yourself to support him and build an amicable relationship ย for the sake of not only your children but for yourself. To know you rose above and did that… I’m super hurt by my husband right now, but I would never tear him down to my children. I won’t even tear him down to him. Or Will, for that matter. Will knows that I believe Chw is a really great guy. When we love someone and share a portion of our lives with them, we need to try and see the best in them always, otherwise it will eat at us and tear us apart. We need to learn from our mistakes and try better… You have 4 reasons to try really hard to rise above, but the most important one is you. Don’t waste your life on resentment and bitterness, you deserve a much more beautiful life than that.

Again, I wish we could have been friends because I would have made sure to remind you of your worth and value every time you doubted it.

<3.

M

letter, parenting, rant

Dear Neighbor…

Dear Neighbor lady,

We haven’t met. I don’t know what you look like, what your voice sounds like or exactly where in this beautiful neighborhood that you live. Even so, I already feel like I know more about you than i care to.

You are a mean spirited person and after hours of anger and frustration over you, I have to thank the Lord that I don’t know you. As for you, wherever your standings are with God and heaven- you should be abundantly grateful that you don’t know me.

What is it that I supposedly know about you? Well, I know that you take great pride and pleasure in insulting a fourteen year old girl, who was only trying to show you some courtesy and kindness. I also know that my sweet dog, (who is still adjusting to this townhome way of living, verses the large fenced yard she had just one month ago) exhibited more manners through her excitement to meet you and your daughter than you showed in the first fifteen seconds after you opened your mouth- and it just got more ugly from there.

You like to be mean? You like to bully girls younger than you?

Have fun with that, and in the meantime you can tuck yourself in at night with the realization that this isn’t a big neighborhood and we are more than likely going to cross paths again. Trust me, it will be equally as memorable as your moment with my daughter was for her, tears and all.

xoxoxo,

M

gratitude, letter

A love letter…

Dear You, 
I had to write this letter, to thank you. 
Yes, you. 
This has been the hardest year in my 36 years of life. It hasn’t been the easiest to maintain a blog. Even those of you, with your quiet love and support- i appreciate you. 
Over the past 10 month, specifically, we have received beautiful gifts and cards. The spirit I have seen, in my readers, has reminded me over and over again, why blogging is such a powerful tool. 
It isn’t about the comments. 
It’s about the emails, and the stories you tell me. It’s about the touchable ways that so many of you have reached out to me. 
I am continually honored to be told that myself and my words matter so much to so many. Honestly, you matter to me too, more than you’ll ever know. 
So thank you. 
I love each and every one of you. 
Have a happy new year, may it be beautifully blessed and rich with love, 
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confession, holiday, journey, letter

An apology…

I became a wife in April, shortly after I turned 18. While other girls my age were in (or about to be in) college, going to parties and finding themselves, I was getting excited about things like grocery shopping and learning to cook. 
Seriously, for me, this was fun. 
We had negative amounts of money. I am not kidding. We were 18 and 20, and when we rented our own place (a crazy, dumpy trailer on an Ostrich farm) I had to grocery shop in a way that left us with something to eat every other day, and the majority of those days was Ramen. 
As Christmas rolled around, no amount of debt or utility disconnection notices* could dampen my spirits. This was my first Christmas, as a wife. My first Christmas as an adult. 
I was still discovering things, in the supermarket that made adulthood all the more exciting. My husband loved Double Stuff Oreos and so when I came across these white fudge Oreos, at the start of the Christmas season, I bought them to surprise him. While i had never been a big Oreo fan, we both felt like these amazing pieces of white chocolate heaven were THE Christmas treat. 
We skipped a power bill payment to purchase 5 $5 cookie jars from a dollar store* and put a box of these cookies* in each one. 
We honestly felt like we had created the most incredible $7 gift and were absolute geniuses! Each family, in our families, received a “classy” puppy or cow shaped cookie jar, complete with a package of white chocolate Oreos. 
The underwhelmed response we received from parents, aunts and uncles caught us totally off guard. 
Last week we made it to Target to choose a new coat for Genny. (crazy kid just won’t stop growing. Inconsiderate.) While there, hubby gasped with excitement over our stumbling into an endcap of these white fudge Oreos. They are such a nostalgia for us, and reminders of that horribly hard time when a box of silly cookies held true magic. 
I forgot about them until last night when we were watching TiVo and Chw brought them out with a glass of milk. He bit into one, and handed me a second. 
That damn cookie was one of the most unpleasant things my mouth has had to chew in years*. What was it exactly? 
Gross… 
And to those of you who received ugly cookie jars and nasty cardboard and crisco covered cookies those 18 years ago- from the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry…  
*We do pride ourselves on never having had a utility disconnected. Ever. Not that this is a bad thing, it’s a complete miracle, especially in those days. We have made some dumb mistakes, (yes, dumber than NOT paying our power bill to buy some cheap, lead paint cookie jars) we are blessed it was never worse. 
*I haven’t set foot in a “dollar” store (of any type) in well over a decade.** 
* There were seriously about 20-24 cookies in the package. It was 1994 and we paid $1.98 a package. Last week we paid $4 for a package of 12. 
** I am totally not a snob. I don’t go to dollar stores because I am super anal about quality and i don’t buy a lot of excessive stuff. I have loads of awesome friends whom I respect that frequent dollar stores- I just don’t go. Please don’t hate me. I’m sorry. Here, Have a cookie. Wait. Nevermind… 
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holiday, letter, rant

Dear Starbucks… and Society.

Dear Starbucks, 
After a ridiculously quick trip to the supermarket, my daughter and I ran through your drive through. Being that we are Americans, we appreciate the occasional trip to one of your coffee bars like the good treat it should be. While there though, I have to admit you disappointed me. 
Well, no, it wasn’t my chai latte or the drink my teenage daughter chose.
It was, instead, your holiday plans. Thanksgiving? Christmas? Is it REALLY a vital necessity that you insist your stores are open for BOTH holidays? Really? 
REALLY??? 
Let’s be honest, our society has moved ourselves so far off the mark that it’s ridiculous. What was once a reclusive act of a select number of stores opening early on the Friday after Thanksgiving, to jumpstart the holiday shopping, has become a ridiculous and out of control obsession. Every store in the world participates, and people eat it up like candy flavored crack snack cakes that are about to be pulled from the shelves… 
{Sidenote for the people… Two weeks ago, did you put ANY Hostess snack cakes on your must-have, grocery staple list? No? Then why the flip were you pushing aside young children to get the last box of ho ho’s not even a week ago?} 
We, as a society, sicken me, Starbucks. Our consumer driven obsessions are out of control and driving our economy straight to the crapper. Spending money we don’t have on cheap-ass garbage made exclusively FOR black friday shoppers will NOT bring back jobs and stability. Why? Because said cheap-ass garbage wasn’t even made here, and more than likely half of the work force would rather NOT deal with: 
A) being forced to work holidays where they’d rather be spending time with their family; 
B) having to cook a Thanksgiving meal in between shifts; 
C) having to go to work at midnight, on black Friday  and stay til God knows when, witnessing the out of control gorging of complete strangers. 
Starbucks, YOU are responsible for furthering the chaos. 
Granted, it isn’t all your fault, but when a company like you- known for bringing jobs, supporting fair trade and being an all around fairly (I said fairly, critics) stand up company- you manipulate a weak minded and influential society to corporate worship you. Other companies do it too, so don’t get your knickers all twisted because I am singling you out. 
I am singling you out because I really thought you were better than this. 
Who will finally ignore the bottom line and put an end to the madness? To the camping out for cheaply manufactured electronics and rushed dinners so that you can be the first in line at the biggest sale? 
Remind me why we bother with Thanksgiving at all? 
Where is the gratitude? 
As we start the holiday season, where is the good will? The Peace to all? 
Because all I see is America’s disgusting corporate motto: Make another buck, make them spend another buck… 
And I am so sad that we still fall for it…
I did ask our Starbucks why in the world they were open, and in a very sad voice the manager told us that you corporately polled a variety of customers and they unanimously “voted” for you to be open both Thanksgiving and Christmas. 
It is sad that you even took the poll in the first place, but far sadder that anyone was selfish enough to expect a Starbucks to be open both days. It’s not like it’s a place of shelter and refuge, or a place for groceries or water. It’s a place for $5, high calorie coffee drinks and pastries. 
Disappointed and finding your lattes less, and less delicious, 
Misty Wagner